outonalimb

I've done a GREAT job of detaching from my exah.

The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital...after having wandered around a very dangerous city while hallucinating with no shoes for four days after he was beaten and robbed at a homeless shelter. (DTs probably)

After just one day in the hospital, they were going to just release him although when he was admitted, they said he was on death's door and just hours away from complete kidney failure and death.

My exah's brother and I went up to the hospital and told exah that he could check himself into rehab or leave the hospital...it was his choice...but we told him he had no place in our life if he didn't get long-term care for himself.

And I've done a great job of leaving him alone. Hell, I dont' want anything to do with him anyway so its been easy to maintain NC.

But we do have a 12 year old son together so I can't realistically stay NC forever.

Exah called today. He said he's checking himself into long-term treatment on Wednesday and he would like to see our son.

Well...our son doesn't want to see him.

Our son is very angry about my exah's drinking and the effect it has had on him and our family.

I'm not going to force the issue. Maybe someday if he gets out of treatment and he can actually think of someone else's needs besides his own, perhaps THEN...and ONLY THEN...I will try to facilitate some communication and possible healing between the two of them.

If my exah wants to take me to court to challenge custody in the meantime (I have sole physical custody), he can. He won't have a leg to stand on.

But ya know...

When I told my exah that our son didn't want to see him...he actually asked me WHY? He could only guess it had to do with our fighting before he was kicked out.

This man has put drugs, gambling and alcohol ahead of his family for YEARS now and yet he labors under a false belief that his drinking and drugging had no effect on our son and his daughter from a previous marriage.

It just drives me insane!!

Is he REALLY that clueless?
REALLY?
Or is he living in denial?
Will he ever understand how much his decisions/behavior have hurt our son?
I just wonder because it doesn't seem likely that there can ever be any healing between my exah and son if my exah can't admit or acknowledge the harm he has done!

It just drives me insane!!

kittykitty

Sounds like you are detaching well, i'm so glad you didn't attempt to help him when he was at that shelter. I remember how torn you were about it.

I agree with you , denial is just so strong in some of them. And you're probably right, he doesn't see how he has a part in any of it, it's easier to blame you, the fighting, whatever. That's the beauty of my recovery, was finally realizing that I have to own alot of my misery, and what I've done to others, and eventually I will be able to make amends to those I have hurt. Maybe if he finds recovery, he will someday be able to do the same with you and your son.

Until then, I wouldn't hold my breath. It sounds like your son isn't holding his either.

I think it is great that your son feels comfortable enough to be honest with you about not wanting to see his father, instead of going through with it and resenting you later. You've got a great kid there, obviously didn't fall far from your tree.

outonalimb

Thanks (((((kitty))))).

He really IS a great kid.

I know I have amends to make to him too. After all, I stayed in the relationship...it takes two to tango. I've got him in Alateen and I'm attending alanon meetings. I know I have amends to make to my son and I'm working on it as best I know how.

But if you can't even admit that you harmed someone with your behavior, there really isn't much hope, is there?

I guess time will tell if my exah finds true recovery.
In the meantime, I just have to continue doing what I"m doing.

Thanks for letting me vent!!

LexieCat

Hugs,

I think you are doing AWESOMELY. Grace under fire. We should make up some medals or something for "above and beyond".

There's plenty of time for him to mend his relationship with his son (and even a civil one, with you) when and if he recovers. Meantime, good job with the kiddo. He will thank you someday.

DesertEyes

Hey there outie

Yup, sounds to me like you're doing _fantastic_

It's the same thing. Denial = clueless

I know this because there were times when _I_ was in denial. A long time ago when I was the one drinking my life away and living in a dumpster. And then there was the time when my ex-wife was addicted to pain pills and I refused to admit that. And more recently when I fell madly in love with a lady who has a nasty food addiction.

Been there, done that.

Not while his brain is fogged with the leftovers of alcohol. If he quits _today_ his brain will still be pickled for awhile. And if he gives up the booze and cleans up his acts he will still have to overcome the denial. In the AA program they don't get started on making ammends way until step 9, because the first 8 steps deal with "un-pickling" the brain and breaking thru denial.

Correct.

But maybe you want to do a little editing and just say that _today_ there won't be any healing. Maybe a few months in the future, or a few years. And even if your ex doesn't do anything, your son can still heal himself entirely on his own

Yeah well that will be your step 9, and you have the first 8 to get done before that

Like I said earlier, not much hope _today_. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Yup, that's what we all do. Works great for us, and it looks like it's working real good for you too.

You betcha, that's what we're here for

Mike

wywriter

Yep, back to the A's reading from the same script. My AH has a 16-year-old son from a previous marriage, and before last summer he hadn't seen him in four years. Now I know it was because his mom was afraid to send him before that because of AH's drinking. As soon as son's mom heard AH was remarried, she offered to pay for a plane ticket for him to come visit us. He got to be here for an entire month. AH was drunk for 28 out of the 30 days. On the way to the airport he made a comment about how fast the month had flown, and his son and I just stared at each other in disbelief. This year he has told AH that he has an online class and a job, so he can't come to visit -- he says maybe next year -- but to me he has mentioned that he could have easily gotten a job here, or transferred it for a while during the summer. AH has absolutely no inkling that his son doesn't want to come, thought it was a great visit last summer, and has no idea that his son is extremely upset at him (and tells all of his friends that his stepdad is his bio-dad). If he did say anything, AH would no doubt try to blame me for the bad visit (his son and I get along great, but he really wanted to see his dad), or say his other parents are trying to poison him against him or something. There's always SOMETHING to blame that's not alcohol.