Anti- Al-Anon = fear of unknown?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
Good god.... That is almost identical to AHs response, particularly when I mentioned the impact of my childhood (dry drunk father and codependent mother). He said, "yeah, but your dad didn't drink. They just had marital problems... not alcoholism!"
It's a combination of ignorance and denial. I tried to explain the whole terminally un-uniqueness of our situation, and my childhood... and why I benefited from al-anon.
His response? "going to al-anon for marriage problems is like going to a foot doctor for a back ache."
My next and last comment was, "I go for me, not our marriage."
It's a combination of ignorance and denial. I tried to explain the whole terminally un-uniqueness of our situation, and my childhood... and why I benefited from al-anon.
His response? "going to al-anon for marriage problems is like going to a foot doctor for a back ache."
My next and last comment was, "I go for me, not our marriage."
We went to counseling together and the first thing she asked me if I was going to Al-Anon and if he was going to AA. Stony silence from him. A smirk from me. Things went downhill after that session (last summer) because I chose to find recovery while he is still stuck in neutral.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by GettingBy
His response? "going to al-anon for marriage problems is like going to a foot doctor for a back ache."
I have an extra bone in each foot, so one of my muscles or tendons or something or other has to go around it, which means it doesn't pull straight like it's supposed to so my arches collapse.
I discovered this after a trip to the foot doctor, after my first track meet in elementary school (I was in pain and limping after a 100 meter sprint of all things), and it was easily corrected with the use of insoles to support my arches.
The insoles also fixed the back aches I'd been having that nobody could figure out and my parents didn't believe existed.
So yes, I did fix my back ache by going to a foot doctor.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
When my marriage was first hitting the rocks I asked my ex pill-head wife to go to marriage counseling with me. She suggested I go by myself cuz there was nothing wrong with her. So I did.
Shrink gave me a ton of tests to fill out, had me interviewed first by a social worker, then by his assistant. After several hours of this I got to sit in his office and watch him slowly go thru my file page by page. He was your stereo-typical shrink, big bushy beard, reading spectacles, tons of books gathering dust on the shelves. He would have been smoking a cigar had it not been a hugehospital building.
After reading my file end to end he looked up at me and asked "Have you ever heard of al-anon?"
Wifey did _not_ like it when I told her that, so she sent me to a different shrink.
Shrink #2 just sat in his big overstuffed chair in his tiny, cramped office and let me vent. He asked a few pointed, and today I realize, very insightful questions. After the standard 50 minutes he reached into a drawer, rummaged around a bit and pulled out a schedule of meetings of al-anon.
Wifey did _not_ care for that either, so she sent me to _her_ shrink.
Wifey's shrink looked like a grandma right out of a TV cookie commercial. Victorian furniture, lace curtains, deep pile carpet, cases of toys in the corner for clients with toddlers. Moment I walk in the door she comes up to me and, grandma like, holds my cheeks in her hands. Looks me straight in the eyes and says "I have _so_ been hoping to meet you. Have you ever heard of al-anon?"
I dunno if wifey ever want back to that shrink, but I started going to al-anon and my life has just kept getting better and better.
Mike
* and no, I don't get golf either. If I'm going to hit a ball as far as I can.... I'm sure not going to go out there and _fetch_ it !!!! that's what dogs are for
*
Shrink gave me a ton of tests to fill out, had me interviewed first by a social worker, then by his assistant. After several hours of this I got to sit in his office and watch him slowly go thru my file page by page. He was your stereo-typical shrink, big bushy beard, reading spectacles, tons of books gathering dust on the shelves. He would have been smoking a cigar had it not been a hugehospital building.
After reading my file end to end he looked up at me and asked "Have you ever heard of al-anon?"
Wifey did _not_ like it when I told her that, so she sent me to a different shrink.
Shrink #2 just sat in his big overstuffed chair in his tiny, cramped office and let me vent. He asked a few pointed, and today I realize, very insightful questions. After the standard 50 minutes he reached into a drawer, rummaged around a bit and pulled out a schedule of meetings of al-anon.
Wifey did _not_ care for that either, so she sent me to _her_ shrink.
Wifey's shrink looked like a grandma right out of a TV cookie commercial. Victorian furniture, lace curtains, deep pile carpet, cases of toys in the corner for clients with toddlers. Moment I walk in the door she comes up to me and, grandma like, holds my cheeks in her hands. Looks me straight in the eyes and says "I have _so_ been hoping to meet you. Have you ever heard of al-anon?"
I dunno if wifey ever want back to that shrink, but I started going to al-anon and my life has just kept getting better and better.
Mike
* and no, I don't get golf either. If I'm going to hit a ball as far as I can.... I'm sure not going to go out there and _fetch_ it !!!! that's what dogs are for
*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks Mike!
It's funny (not in a ha-ha way, but an ironic way) that I "see" what my AH is doing right now. He realizes there's a problem. Our marriage is a mess.... and in his mind - the solution is for me to change. And I am. But it's not the change he wants. Kind of like your ex-wife. He wants the "counseling" to be the guy he picks... but I suspect that no matter who we go to - they are going to say just like you said, "Go to al-anon".
So anways, back to the irony... it's a control thing with us. Always has been. I wanted things to get better - if only he'd do X, Y, and Z... life = good. It was all about him, him, him. Now, it's all about me (for me... and him). He's latched onto the fact that I'm focusing on me... in his mind, "Aha! She IS the problem!" Ah, it's so tempting for me to want to take the bait and argue with him...say, "it's not just me! It's YOU too!"... but I don't. Doesn't matter what he thinks or feels, or who he blames... that's HIS stuff. Not mine.
The hard part for me, right now, is the urge to just run away. To drop everything and run. Like as if... poof... I will emerge in a new setting and all will be good. But, ah.... no. I'm taking me with me.
I want to be completely done with this marriage and him. But, ah... no. Not going to ever really be "done" with him... gotta co-parent... for a LONG time. So, as bad as I want to... running away isn't going to solve that. Darn it.
Doesn't mean I have to stay in the current situation, or keep putting up with him... but does mean, I have to put in some hard work. And it's hard stuff. It really is one day, sometimes one minute at a time. Gotta stay focused on moving forward. And fight the urge to just slip back into that old 'comfy jacket... you know, the one with all the holes, that doesn't really keep me warm anymore (probably never did!), but it was so shiny and pretty that I had to have it?!?! And now... the thought of getting rid of it?!?! Gasp! Even though the coat doesn't keep me warm or do me any good... the thought of dropping in off at Goodwill is something I have to work on accepting.
It's funny (not in a ha-ha way, but an ironic way) that I "see" what my AH is doing right now. He realizes there's a problem. Our marriage is a mess.... and in his mind - the solution is for me to change. And I am. But it's not the change he wants. Kind of like your ex-wife. He wants the "counseling" to be the guy he picks... but I suspect that no matter who we go to - they are going to say just like you said, "Go to al-anon".
So anways, back to the irony... it's a control thing with us. Always has been. I wanted things to get better - if only he'd do X, Y, and Z... life = good. It was all about him, him, him. Now, it's all about me (for me... and him). He's latched onto the fact that I'm focusing on me... in his mind, "Aha! She IS the problem!" Ah, it's so tempting for me to want to take the bait and argue with him...say, "it's not just me! It's YOU too!"... but I don't. Doesn't matter what he thinks or feels, or who he blames... that's HIS stuff. Not mine.
The hard part for me, right now, is the urge to just run away. To drop everything and run. Like as if... poof... I will emerge in a new setting and all will be good. But, ah.... no. I'm taking me with me.
I want to be completely done with this marriage and him. But, ah... no. Not going to ever really be "done" with him... gotta co-parent... for a LONG time. So, as bad as I want to... running away isn't going to solve that. Darn it.
Doesn't mean I have to stay in the current situation, or keep putting up with him... but does mean, I have to put in some hard work. And it's hard stuff. It really is one day, sometimes one minute at a time. Gotta stay focused on moving forward. And fight the urge to just slip back into that old 'comfy jacket... you know, the one with all the holes, that doesn't really keep me warm anymore (probably never did!), but it was so shiny and pretty that I had to have it?!?! And now... the thought of getting rid of it?!?! Gasp! Even though the coat doesn't keep me warm or do me any good... the thought of dropping in off at Goodwill is something I have to work on accepting.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Late to this thread-- Sorry.
**** both those guys. Seriously Shannon, WTH with the F**k-face in Law? Tell that guy to mind his ******* business. As for your husband.... Good ******* God. Tell him to get his manipulative mind-******* ass on a bike and try that for awhile. He'll drop after ten miles. ******* p***y.
Cyranoak
**** both those guys. Seriously Shannon, WTH with the F**k-face in Law? Tell that guy to mind his ******* business. As for your husband.... Good ******* God. Tell him to get his manipulative mind-******* ass on a bike and try that for awhile. He'll drop after ten miles. ******* p***y.
Cyranoak
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