Eight Ball

So its been three weeks since I left my AH and moved out into my own place. My anxiety levels have increased dramatically and I have my stress cough back! (trouble breathing, irritated chest that triggers coughing). I am still not got internet, so my SR sessions have become sporadic and this isnt helping either.

I am struggling with the thoughts that the man I met at 15yrs old and was married to for 23yrs chose alcohol above me and our marriage. He couldnt live without alcohol for the rest of his life but could live without me, love and companionship. I just cant make sense of it at all. I know that he is not thinking rationally but it doesnt help with my feelings of feeling let down and hurt. I have made an appointment with my therapist to work through this.

I have been going nc since I left and this is helping but I am still finding triggers.

I had an email from our DD23 (who lives overseas) saying that she is struggling for money. I emailed back explaining that I couldnt help her at the moment as I was living on my own and trying to manage my money. She emailed her dad. I then had an email from AH saying that our DD23 needed some financial help and would I go 50/50 with him. I ignored that email until I got a txt message repeating himself, so responded saying that I had no intention of being drawn into any type of 50/50 with regards to our daughters. I felt as though it was co-dependant behaviour to gift money to our daughters only if I did the same. I ended by saying that our DD23 had emailed me, requesting help and I have given her my answer. You are a big boy, you do the same.

I am trying to keep it together and not bother my DD20 with how I am coping etc because I dont want her to have to deal with that. I have told her that I know that she loves her dad unconditionally and that I wont discuss her dad with her so that we can keep the conversation about us.

Last night I called into my DD20 house to have dinner with her. After I left I cried all the way home and late into the evening too.

She told me that her dad is calling her when he is lonely for 'chats' and that she feels like she doesnt want to answer his calls but eventually does as she feels sorry for him. He is also asking her how her mum is and about things that he has contacted me about like our DD23 request for money. It seriously triggered me!

I ended up txting her to say to try not to talk to me at all about her dad when I see her, as I find it too distressing and it hurt me to know that she was feeling sorry for him! I dont want to know that he is lonely as he only has himself to blame. I dont want to know that she is feeling sorry for him when he only has himself to blame. I dont want to know that he is bothering her with all his issues, because he is sucking her in as my replacement/substitute for his loneliness!

He is never going to get it - is he?

Anyway, I was thinking today of sending my DDs a letter about being in their dads life but protecting themselves from his alcoholsm and not enabling. I have written it but will sit on it for a while until I have seen my therapist and discussed it.

Anyone - any thoughts or suggestions?

LexieCat

I think your girls will have to work out their own relationship with their dad. You can share what has worked for you, but you really don't have the right to tell them what to do.

I don't know that you can insist they not discuss you with him, either. They shouldn't have to monitor what they say to him unless, for example, he is a stalker or intends to do you harm. I know you don't like it, and you CAN tell them you would rather not hear about their conversations with their dad. That's a boundary you can put in place because it affects YOU.

Just my thoughts. I think you might want to avoid putting them in the middle, but you can't really control what goes on between them and their dad.

I'm sorry things are sucky right now. I hope you can get your internet back so you can post here more often. I always loved reading your posts.

skippernlilg

I know this is extremely hard for you. I know your daughters are adults, but aren't they ACOA's too? They have some of their own issues to deal with. There isn't a way you could manage their relationship with their dad or their relationship with each other. You have every right to determine and keep boundaries for yourself. They probably didn't realize how much it affects you when they're also dealing with an AF.

((((HUGS))))

Cyranoak

You are their mother. Saying something once can be, and often is, love and concern. If that's where you are coming from and if you think they'll be receptive I would tell them once and then leave it to them.

Just don't repeat it because then it becomes nagging and controlling.

Even now, at 45, I appreciate my mom's perspective on things. Not in a mommy/son kind of way, but in a she's my mom and has known me since I was a zygote kind of a way and now we're both adults, but one of us has 66 years of life experience. Frankly, 95 percent of the time she's right, and the other 5 percent of the time she's helpful.

Good luck. Remember, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others and participate fully in your own life and the lives of others. You have taken the right steps, and good on you for holding to your boundaries.

Cyranoak