Jazzman

I remember one Sunday after a weekend at the boat my father and I were on the hour drive back home. I was around thirteen I think. Ten minutes into the drive the car is changing lanes ever so slowly, I look over at my father to see his eyes closed as he dozes off behind the wheel. I shouted, he was startled awake, and for the rest of that drive home I was panic stricken. Looking over at him every couple of seconds, trying to keep a conversation going when we had little to discuss in those days. We made it home but I never rode as a passenger with him again.

What I learned was that I could not depend on my father to keep me safe, contrary to what you think of your invincible parents growing up. My opinion of him forever changed and he was human.

I remember one Saturday night my mother came home drunk, no idea how she managed to drive that way cuz she was sh!tfaced. I was probobly around fourteen at the time. Before she made it to her room and passed out on the bed she was babbling something to me that she wasn't going to make it? And crying over some mistakes she made, exactly what mistakes wasn't clear to me.

What I learned was that I could not depend on my mother to keep me safe, contrary to what you think of your invincible parents growing up. My opinion of her forever changed and she was human.

But I was fortunate. These things happened to me when I was old enough to understand it was the alcohol that caused this behavior, not the person. Much better than happening when I was too young to understand the cause and effect aspect or I would have titled this "through childrens eyes". I made it a mission in life to never rip the carpet of security out from under my own kids like that.

Seeking Wisdom

I understand how you feel.

One the many tragedies of living with an alcoholic, is that you can never let your guard down ... because you can never count on this person to be dependable and consistent. It forever changes you.

As the child of an alcoholic, I can still remember all the chaos and insecurity associated with it. There was always a sense of doom and desperation in never knowing where we would be living or even if we would have the basic necessities of life. I felt such pain for my mother trying to support 2 children on her own making minimum wage ... with no financial support from my father. This insecurity is something that still feel today.

As an adult, I put so much effort into making sure I married someone so different than my own father, someone extremely responsible and dependable. Someone that would create stability in my life and for my future children. I would never have knowingly married anyone that abused alcohol ... however, none of my careful planning did any good. My sober hard working, dependable spouse secretly fell in love with alcohol approx. 7 years after we were married ... and my life again was forever changed. Nothing could change his journey towards self destruction.

Once our lives began to tumble out of control, I did everything I could to make sure my children would not have to endure the constant upheavals I had to endure as a child. I did everything within my power so they could stay in our home, in their schools, keep their friends. I also never let my AH drive or watch my young children alone once I realized how undependable he had become. Eventually, after much effort, I told him he had to live elsewhere to stop the insanity inside our home. I slept only 3 to 4 hours a night for years between working and taking care of my sons. I took on enormous challenges I didn’t even know I was capable of handling. Everyday I woke up to an endlessly impossible things to do ... just to maintain some stability in my children’s lives.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent gives us a special insight ... and even as we learn it is not within our power to stop another’s addiction, we come with special knowledge to try and to do our best to protect our own children from some of the nightmares we once endured.