marie1960

This weekend a close friend is hosting a graduation party for her son. Was really looking forward to going. I am now realizing that a certain A. who I am in a NC situation with will also be attending.

I find myself rather pissed off, as i think it's best that I do not attend, but why do I have to stay on the porch???? Finding this to be a big pill to swallow.

We live in such a small community that eventually we are going to run into each other. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thanks

tjp613

I think it's strictly your call. It would depend on many factors.... is he just someone who is annoying to you...or is he violent and abusive? Or somewhere in between?

You have to examine what is most important to YOU? Staying No Contact or attending the party and trying to avoid him?

I am in a similar situation with my sister (not an A). I have chosen to go NC with her just because I find her to be toxic for me. It's my choice and I have to live with the consequences of that choice...which I thought long and hard about before going NC. I recently had to forego attending the 80th birthday part of my beloved aunt. There are many consequences of that decision, painful consequences! I have learned to live with it and still feel I made the right choice for me.

Hope that makes sense.

TakingCharge999

I have missed company events for the same reason. If I am going to be anxious about an A, to me, its not a party. I prefer to see the people I care about in another setting, perhaps invite them somewhere else. I don't know, being under so much constant stress... to me an event I am feeling anxious about for whatever reason, is not worth it.
I don't avoid things due to others, I avoid things that are stressful to ME.

An alternative would be going and if you feel to anxious or uncomfortable, leave early?

LexieCat

Is this a "legal" NC? Does one of you have a restraining order against the other? In that case, it's probably smart to stay away if the other party is going to be there.

Otherwise, it's completely up to you and your personal comfort level. Your friend has the right to invite anyone she wants to the party. You could stop by briefly, pay your respects to the guest of honor, and leave without making a big deal out of it. Or make your regrets and send a gift, and make it a point to see her soon.

If you think your going could result in an ugly scene, then I would pass. It would be awful to have something bad happen to ruin someone else's happy celebration. If the alcoholic ruins it solo, that's on him.

GettingBy

I recently went through this same conundrum... go - don't go... go, but leave early... ugh. What it boiled down to was what did I want and what would I realistically expect MYSELF to feel while I was there? I know for me, I would not have relaxed and enjoyed myself with that "other" person across the room. I would have (knowing me!!!) been keeping tabs on what he was doing, what is he drinking... blah, blah, blah. Nope, for me - better to just stay away!

It was a good solid decision - and I knew it when the night of the wedding... I didn't have one bit of remorse for not going. I sent them prayers, well wishes, thoughts of love, a card... and then handed them over to God! And to me, that was a perfect way to honor their new marriage!

As one of the previous posters said, my choice to start staying away from "trigger" environments means sitting out on events that are alcohol-fests. Initially it sucks to be on the porch - but after missing out on a few... I reallized, I'm not really missing out on much except alcohol induced drama! No thank you. I'm doing what I want with my time... building the life that honors me.

And that is all that matters.

m1k3

The only thing I could add to the above posts is that do you feel strong enough to go and still enjoy yourself? Based on the fact that you are even asking this question I'm willing to bet not yet.

barb dwyer

Maybe it's more like the alcoholic thing
about being around alcohol

"do I have a legitimate reason for being there'
or
"legitimate that I want to be there'

kind of thing.
I mean,
I had to look at did I 'want' to go
because I KNEW they were going to be there
or did I 'want' to go
to wish the person of the party
the best and be a part of that celebration?

And-
Was I invited because it was 'the thing to do'
or because the person tracked me down
and made it clear that my being there
meant something to them?

I know that the events
that I knew the 'other whomever' was going to attend
that I wound up 'having' to go to
usually worked out for the best.

At the same time-
if I 'dreaded' going
in my HEAD...
I'd try to go anyway.
If I 'dreaded' going
in my GUT ...
I usually...didn't.

Taking the 'dread' as a flag
that it was more than just my ego
that was talking to me.

LaPinturaBella

If it makes you uncomfortable, you could send your regrets with a card and perhaps invite your friend and her son out to lunch for a private celebration. I bet the son would like it because it prolongs the celebrations and he gets to be the center of attention for a second, special time.

skippernlilg

This is a good question!! I can't wait to see what everyone else has to say!!

So far in my situation, I'm on the porch because he got the friends in the split since "he needs friends more than I do" (yep, our 'friend' said that very thing to me).

I'm starting to thin the herd.

marie1960

Oh no Skippernlilg. THat is a terrible thing for a friend to say, guess you know where you stand with that friendship. Often I find people quite insensitive. What really aggravates me so, is i am not the alcoholic, why do i have to be the one to compromise, GRRRRRRRR, tired of the isolation, but i know in my heart that I will not be attending. Thought I could come up with some rationale that would allow me to attend. I just refuse to witness his little sh*t show any longer.

I am just thankful that our relationship never developed into more. I read some of these posts, and can't help feel so very sorry of what some have endured. Wow. Everyone that I have talked with here, on this site, is simply amazing, what a terrific sense of caring......... Bless you all