Testing boundaries...testing my own resolve
Chaotically Peaceful
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Testing boundaries...testing my own resolve
Following up from my last post and, I guess, looking for encouragement. After the horrible evening on Wednesday, I didn't see ABF for two days. We talked Friday night. He was full of promises about sobriety and his grand plan. Said he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me.
I told him that this has all made me realize that I need to get my head out of my proverbial backside and start looking out for me and my children. I have spent FAR too much time and energy on him and his drama and I need to get it together and focus the people who NEED my time and energy. I told him that I have made decisions for my life and what I want it to be. If his decisions guide his life toward something that fits with mine, I would be ecstatic. If not, we were done. So, the following were my boundaries:
1. He was not to be in my house while I wasn't there. He was no longer going to use my house as a place to get tanked. If he was serious about sobriety, as time would prove, we could discuss a change.
2. He could only be at the house when I was home, if he was not drinking. I told him...I'm not talking DRUNK...I'm talking just drinking. Period.
I changed the code on the garage door but let him keep his opener. I told him that I had considered taking it but that if he uses it to get into the house without my consent, it would tell me all I needed to know.
He went to the local community counseling center today (totally missed that first meeting he was going to). He called me around noon to tell me that he was having a really good day and he was going to a meeting tonight and he'd call me later.
I drove home with my children at 5:00. His van was parked in front of my house. Walked in to my bedroom, the room smelled like smoke (he was SMOKING in my HOUSE!) and he was wasted. I calmly took his keys, got my opener (and two empty half-pint bottles) out of his van, took his phone (the reason I couldn't block it before was because it is MY phone on MY plan) and told him to leave.
He cussed at me and threw out insults (I mean MAJORLY insulting comments about my body and the only reason that any man would like me anyway). I stayed calm and didn't fight back. Told him again that he had to leave. He said "Then give me my keys". And this is the part I have am having a hard time with...I did.
I have never handed his keys over before, but I needed this man to be gone. My children were home. He was spewing raunchy stuff at me. I had to have my youngest to a t-ball game in 30 minutes. So I let him leave. I feel sick about the driving thing. I hope I made a good decision - I hope he doesn't kill someone. I just wanted him gone as quickly as possible.
I told him that this has all made me realize that I need to get my head out of my proverbial backside and start looking out for me and my children. I have spent FAR too much time and energy on him and his drama and I need to get it together and focus the people who NEED my time and energy. I told him that I have made decisions for my life and what I want it to be. If his decisions guide his life toward something that fits with mine, I would be ecstatic. If not, we were done. So, the following were my boundaries:
1. He was not to be in my house while I wasn't there. He was no longer going to use my house as a place to get tanked. If he was serious about sobriety, as time would prove, we could discuss a change.
2. He could only be at the house when I was home, if he was not drinking. I told him...I'm not talking DRUNK...I'm talking just drinking. Period.
I changed the code on the garage door but let him keep his opener. I told him that I had considered taking it but that if he uses it to get into the house without my consent, it would tell me all I needed to know.
He went to the local community counseling center today (totally missed that first meeting he was going to). He called me around noon to tell me that he was having a really good day and he was going to a meeting tonight and he'd call me later.
I drove home with my children at 5:00. His van was parked in front of my house. Walked in to my bedroom, the room smelled like smoke (he was SMOKING in my HOUSE!) and he was wasted. I calmly took his keys, got my opener (and two empty half-pint bottles) out of his van, took his phone (the reason I couldn't block it before was because it is MY phone on MY plan) and told him to leave.
He cussed at me and threw out insults (I mean MAJORLY insulting comments about my body and the only reason that any man would like me anyway). I stayed calm and didn't fight back. Told him again that he had to leave. He said "Then give me my keys". And this is the part I have am having a hard time with...I did.
I have never handed his keys over before, but I needed this man to be gone. My children were home. He was spewing raunchy stuff at me. I had to have my youngest to a t-ball game in 30 minutes. So I let him leave. I feel sick about the driving thing. I hope I made a good decision - I hope he doesn't kill someone. I just wanted him gone as quickly as possible.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like you have reached your bottom. This is a positive for your children, they should not be exposed to his toxic behavior.
Everything will be ok, keep your resolve.
If you need to vent, you know where we are.
Everything will be ok, keep your resolve.
If you need to vent, you know where we are.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I'm so sorry that things went south so quickly. It's so disappointing when they can't even try to make things work, try to get better. You handled yourself so well, staying calm in front of your children, and getting him out as soon as possible. You did the best you could, and there was nothing more you could do.
The horrible things he was spewing at you, the name calling and digging, is just an illustration of his pent up resentment and disgust for himself. Please don't believe any of it.
Keep us posted, i can't help but think he will be back. Stay strong, now more than ever you know you made the right choice.
The horrible things he was spewing at you, the name calling and digging, is just an illustration of his pent up resentment and disgust for himself. Please don't believe any of it.
Keep us posted, i can't help but think he will be back. Stay strong, now more than ever you know you made the right choice.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You done good. If you'd tried to keep the keys from him at that point, who knows what he might have done to get them. Don't feel guilty. HE is responsible for driving drunk--you don't have to put yourself in harm's way to stop him.
It should be a moot point now, because he and his keys won't be darkening your door for awhile.
Hugs,
It should be a moot point now, because he and his keys won't be darkening your door for awhile.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Wow I guess he showed you everything you needed to know about how serious he was. Crazy how they can talk out of one side of their mouths and then do something completely different with their actions. I'm not sure what I would have done either with giving him the keys... that is a hard one. I agree with Lexie... if something happens it is on him, not you! You needed him gone for your sanity and to protect your kids. Stay strong.
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