Is My Boyfriend an Alcoholic? Or is it just me blowing things out of proportion?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1
Is My Boyfriend an Alcoholic? Or is it just me blowing things out of proportion?
I was reading round these boards after a pretty bad fight with my boyfriend and it looks like a lot of you are going through a similar thing, and really I was just wondering if anyone could offer any advice.
Well I'll start off with me. I'm 20 and since I was in my young-mid teens I suffered from some sort of alcohol addiction, but I've not drunk anything for nearly a year now. I've also suffered with some anger management problems and depression for a few years now. These facts may link a bit more with the story.
I've been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years now and, as I've seen a lot of other people say, when he is sober he's a really really great person and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else, but once he's had a few drinks he turns really vile. It's generally the same story over and over. Firstly he drinks a few, say three beers, then I ask "how many beers have you had," which I know he doesn't like me doing and I personally don't like doing it, but it's got to a point where I'm so aware now that if he has too much it can just become really bad. This is a vicious circle, as, when I mention his drinking, he drinks more. If I leave it (as in don't mention it anymore) he just carries on drinking and becomes an idiot, just doing and saying really dumb things, not really know what he's saying, dropping and breaking things by accident etc. But if I do ask again he goes pretty beserk and shouts things like "you're really selfish" "you're a spoiled only child" "you're a control freak." Typing this now it doesn't really sound very bad, but it does feel like it at the time. At first I try to diffuse the situation, but it always ends up that he keeps going on, then threatens to leave. At this point the fight escalates. I don't really want him to leave because I don't really know what he'll do when he does leave. He's come back covered in blood before, and sometimes I don't know if he is safe enough to not get into any accidents. Then it becomes a fight of I want to leave/please don't leave/you don't care if I leave, you don't care about this relationship/yes I do and so on. Sometimes, like tonight, it gets too much for me and I throw stuff, at which point he calls me 'crazy' and 'violent' and, again a 'selfish control freak.' Tonight I slapped him in the face, which, on reflection, I know was wrong, but I was so frustrated I didn't really know what to do. He just makes me really frustrated, angry and sad when he's drunk, and I just become a person that I don't like. On with the story.. He then started screaming, and storming around, again threatening to leave. I tried to stop him, and he kept throwing me (though not physically hitting me or anything) around the flat to get me out of the way. I tried to stop him again, which I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I was just scared he was going to leave for good. It went on in this manner for a while, then he punched through a wall, which he has never done before. He also ripped a load of his clothes. When I looked into his eyes he just didn't seem like the same person at all, and he definitely wasn't a person I felt safe around. He left, and is still out. I don't know when he'll be back, but I'm sure he will be back.
It has been the same, or a similar story pretty regularly now. I've tried different things. I tried ignoring him and letting him get on with it whilst I did something else. He then, unprovoked (unless my ignoring him was provocation enough) brought up a load of problems he had with our relationship that he had never mentioned before, even if I had addressed it, and made unreasonable requests such as that I should give up my friends as it's the 'same thing' as cutting down on drinking. Again, he left for a while. I texted him a few times when it got quite late to check if he was okay, and again he called me controlling. When he finally got back, he was that sort of pale when you know someone has been drinking a lot. He then fell in the bath and couldn't get out, couldn't walk in a straight line, kept falling down. I tried to sober him up a bit with black coffee but he just threw it. He was just talking nonsense, not being aware of what he was saying or doing. I just wanted him to get to bed so that I knew he was safe, but he kept stomping round the apartment, shouting about something or other, throwing coffee everywhere. By about 4am or 5am he finally went to sleep, this was three or so hours after he got in. But yeah, a pretty similar story every time.
He is always really sorry when he has sobered up, and he goes really into himself, self blame etc. Thinking about it, he's like it sometimes when he's drunk as well. He's punched himself in the face a few times, and once cried about his childhood for the best part of four hours. But yes, he is always sorry the next day, and at some point he tends to admit that he has a problem. As soon as he has a drink, though, he 'doesn't' have a problem anymore, and it was just something I put in his head when he was really drunk. He also knows now how much it upsets me, and has taken to lying about how much he drinks (and smokes. He quit smoking over a year ago but has been smoking occasionally, and when I find out it turns into a fight about him not lying and me being controlling) in order to 'protect my feelings.' By that point I'm pretty pissed as I don't like being lied to, and he drinks more so he can 'live his own life.' I am aware that some of the things that I say, or want him to do e.g. quit smoking (though this was a mutual decision at the time) and cutting down on drinking may be controlling, but really I do think they are reasonable requests, especially as his drinking is damaging our relationship so much. He's 26, six years older than me, and he has a social anxiety disorder meaning that he has to take citalopram, which may also be adding to the adverse behaviour.
When he's drinking, I don't know why I'm with him. When he's sober I do. His drinking has become much more of a problem now, and after tonight's fight it really does seem like too much. I don't know if a lot of it is my problem, and me blowing things out of proportion and escalating it, but I just don't know what to do and any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
Well I'll start off with me. I'm 20 and since I was in my young-mid teens I suffered from some sort of alcohol addiction, but I've not drunk anything for nearly a year now. I've also suffered with some anger management problems and depression for a few years now. These facts may link a bit more with the story.
I've been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years now and, as I've seen a lot of other people say, when he is sober he's a really really great person and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else, but once he's had a few drinks he turns really vile. It's generally the same story over and over. Firstly he drinks a few, say three beers, then I ask "how many beers have you had," which I know he doesn't like me doing and I personally don't like doing it, but it's got to a point where I'm so aware now that if he has too much it can just become really bad. This is a vicious circle, as, when I mention his drinking, he drinks more. If I leave it (as in don't mention it anymore) he just carries on drinking and becomes an idiot, just doing and saying really dumb things, not really know what he's saying, dropping and breaking things by accident etc. But if I do ask again he goes pretty beserk and shouts things like "you're really selfish" "you're a spoiled only child" "you're a control freak." Typing this now it doesn't really sound very bad, but it does feel like it at the time. At first I try to diffuse the situation, but it always ends up that he keeps going on, then threatens to leave. At this point the fight escalates. I don't really want him to leave because I don't really know what he'll do when he does leave. He's come back covered in blood before, and sometimes I don't know if he is safe enough to not get into any accidents. Then it becomes a fight of I want to leave/please don't leave/you don't care if I leave, you don't care about this relationship/yes I do and so on. Sometimes, like tonight, it gets too much for me and I throw stuff, at which point he calls me 'crazy' and 'violent' and, again a 'selfish control freak.' Tonight I slapped him in the face, which, on reflection, I know was wrong, but I was so frustrated I didn't really know what to do. He just makes me really frustrated, angry and sad when he's drunk, and I just become a person that I don't like. On with the story.. He then started screaming, and storming around, again threatening to leave. I tried to stop him, and he kept throwing me (though not physically hitting me or anything) around the flat to get me out of the way. I tried to stop him again, which I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I was just scared he was going to leave for good. It went on in this manner for a while, then he punched through a wall, which he has never done before. He also ripped a load of his clothes. When I looked into his eyes he just didn't seem like the same person at all, and he definitely wasn't a person I felt safe around. He left, and is still out. I don't know when he'll be back, but I'm sure he will be back.
It has been the same, or a similar story pretty regularly now. I've tried different things. I tried ignoring him and letting him get on with it whilst I did something else. He then, unprovoked (unless my ignoring him was provocation enough) brought up a load of problems he had with our relationship that he had never mentioned before, even if I had addressed it, and made unreasonable requests such as that I should give up my friends as it's the 'same thing' as cutting down on drinking. Again, he left for a while. I texted him a few times when it got quite late to check if he was okay, and again he called me controlling. When he finally got back, he was that sort of pale when you know someone has been drinking a lot. He then fell in the bath and couldn't get out, couldn't walk in a straight line, kept falling down. I tried to sober him up a bit with black coffee but he just threw it. He was just talking nonsense, not being aware of what he was saying or doing. I just wanted him to get to bed so that I knew he was safe, but he kept stomping round the apartment, shouting about something or other, throwing coffee everywhere. By about 4am or 5am he finally went to sleep, this was three or so hours after he got in. But yeah, a pretty similar story every time.
He is always really sorry when he has sobered up, and he goes really into himself, self blame etc. Thinking about it, he's like it sometimes when he's drunk as well. He's punched himself in the face a few times, and once cried about his childhood for the best part of four hours. But yes, he is always sorry the next day, and at some point he tends to admit that he has a problem. As soon as he has a drink, though, he 'doesn't' have a problem anymore, and it was just something I put in his head when he was really drunk. He also knows now how much it upsets me, and has taken to lying about how much he drinks (and smokes. He quit smoking over a year ago but has been smoking occasionally, and when I find out it turns into a fight about him not lying and me being controlling) in order to 'protect my feelings.' By that point I'm pretty pissed as I don't like being lied to, and he drinks more so he can 'live his own life.' I am aware that some of the things that I say, or want him to do e.g. quit smoking (though this was a mutual decision at the time) and cutting down on drinking may be controlling, but really I do think they are reasonable requests, especially as his drinking is damaging our relationship so much. He's 26, six years older than me, and he has a social anxiety disorder meaning that he has to take citalopram, which may also be adding to the adverse behaviour.
When he's drinking, I don't know why I'm with him. When he's sober I do. His drinking has become much more of a problem now, and after tonight's fight it really does seem like too much. I don't know if a lot of it is my problem, and me blowing things out of proportion and escalating it, but I just don't know what to do and any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
It seems like you have a rather violent relationship there and while alcohol is certainly an issue, the violence from you and the drinking from him isn't going to get any better. I'd think very seriously about whether you should leave, drinking or not.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
uh boy.....I think you might be in denial as to how seriously alcohol affects your boyfriend, how inappropriately you respond to his verbal and physical attacks and just how toxic you are together.
As a recovered alcoholic, I would proffer that your boyfriend needs to get help with his drinking problem first, therapy to deal with childhood issues and anger management and maybe you need to split up for the time being. Perhaps you can revisit the relationship potential if and when he gets help in all areas.
I think when we are in a toxic relationship for a fair amount of time as you have been, we can underestimate the seriousness of what you have described. I wish you strength and hope you do what will be best for yourself.
As a recovered alcoholic, I would proffer that your boyfriend needs to get help with his drinking problem first, therapy to deal with childhood issues and anger management and maybe you need to split up for the time being. Perhaps you can revisit the relationship potential if and when he gets help in all areas.
I think when we are in a toxic relationship for a fair amount of time as you have been, we can underestimate the seriousness of what you have described. I wish you strength and hope you do what will be best for yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welome!
You are so very young, is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse, not better, unless he embraces recovery, works a program. This is a life long struggle, to stay sober, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not. Relapses are very common, the shoe can drop at any time.
To me, this is a toxic relationship, you both are feeding off each other. This is not a healthy situation for either one of you.
Why are you so afraid about him leaving? You don't have to live together to be in a relationship, not that I am recommending that you two stay together.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, I would see about attending some meetings in your area and reading Codependent No More.
Read other posts, it will help you.
You are so very young, is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse, not better, unless he embraces recovery, works a program. This is a life long struggle, to stay sober, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not. Relapses are very common, the shoe can drop at any time.
To me, this is a toxic relationship, you both are feeding off each other. This is not a healthy situation for either one of you.
Why are you so afraid about him leaving? You don't have to live together to be in a relationship, not that I am recommending that you two stay together.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, I would see about attending some meetings in your area and reading Codependent No More.
Read other posts, it will help you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found us!!!
I too had a boyfriend that I could only love 50% of the time. The other 50% was spent arguing, worrying, stressing, crying, bargaining, wondering, pacing, ignoring, begging, etc. Wasn't a very healthy relationship for me.
It's not a matter of him having a drinking problem or not. It sounds like YOU have a problem with his drinking, which is all that really matters. You can now decide whether you want to spend your time dealing with this, as well as whatever's to come... it always gets worse before it gets better, and if you read alot of the stories on here, it rarely gets better. Most people never recover from the disease of addiction, especially if they won't admit they are suffering. And that includes you and your addiction to him, and the "relationship" you are in. Your boyfriend needs help, but in my opinion, so do you. I gather you know that, and that's why you're here asking for it.
I'm more concerned about you. He has shown violent tendencies, even if only towards a wall or cup of coffee. Eventually your head will get in the way (literally). Trust me on this.
I recommend the stickies at the top of the forum, there are alot of great stories up there, and different ideas to take into consideration. Many of us are here for similar reasons. Our stories aren't the same, but they all have a similar tone: we've all loved/love someone who is addicted to alcohol and doesn't want help. There is much to learn here if you keep your mind and heart open.
Oh, also, if you can find an Al Anon group in your area, get yourself to a meeting. It's a fellowship of those affected by someone else's drinking. Lots of support there as well!
I too had a boyfriend that I could only love 50% of the time. The other 50% was spent arguing, worrying, stressing, crying, bargaining, wondering, pacing, ignoring, begging, etc. Wasn't a very healthy relationship for me.
It's not a matter of him having a drinking problem or not. It sounds like YOU have a problem with his drinking, which is all that really matters. You can now decide whether you want to spend your time dealing with this, as well as whatever's to come... it always gets worse before it gets better, and if you read alot of the stories on here, it rarely gets better. Most people never recover from the disease of addiction, especially if they won't admit they are suffering. And that includes you and your addiction to him, and the "relationship" you are in. Your boyfriend needs help, but in my opinion, so do you. I gather you know that, and that's why you're here asking for it.
I'm more concerned about you. He has shown violent tendencies, even if only towards a wall or cup of coffee. Eventually your head will get in the way (literally). Trust me on this.
I recommend the stickies at the top of the forum, there are alot of great stories up there, and different ideas to take into consideration. Many of us are here for similar reasons. Our stories aren't the same, but they all have a similar tone: we've all loved/love someone who is addicted to alcohol and doesn't want help. There is much to learn here if you keep your mind and heart open.
Oh, also, if you can find an Al Anon group in your area, get yourself to a meeting. It's a fellowship of those affected by someone else's drinking. Lots of support there as well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
So sorry you are going through this!
It's really hard to let go, but it's true...things won't get better. They will only get worse. Even if he does see the light, and decides to get help (which you can't influence, and may only happen when he hits rock bottom, which may only happen once you are gone and there is nobody and nothing left to hold him up), chances are he will relapse again.
Reading your post reminded me so much of fights with XABF. Mine only got worse and more abusive over time, despite trying everything to make them stop so we could just have a happy life (delusion). I too hated the way I acted during those times, hated what I had become. I finally realized it had to stop when I lost control of my car in a rage reacting to drunk XABF's verbal abuse from the passengers seat, and had the worst accident of my life. I almost killed us both!!! The car was demolished, we spun and flipped numerous times. It's a miracle we are alive today. It's the saddest thing that all of this happened AFTER XABF's recovery. He'd completed a six month sober living stint and was SO happy and 100% into recovery. And just when I started to have real hope, to see real change and happiness, he picked up a drink. And it started all over again, only this time it was worse. I'd imagine it would be each time, you just have that much more invested and your heart is just that much more broken each time they relapse and all of the old demons come back to haunt you.
You are in a dangerous situation! You may not fully realize how dangerous it is yet, but addiction is powerful for all parties involved. You don't realize the lengths you'll go to on either end of this disease until you're in the ER on a perfectly normal Tuesday night marveling at the fact that you're still alive. If you're that lucky...
Stay strong and follow your instincts!
It's really hard to let go, but it's true...things won't get better. They will only get worse. Even if he does see the light, and decides to get help (which you can't influence, and may only happen when he hits rock bottom, which may only happen once you are gone and there is nobody and nothing left to hold him up), chances are he will relapse again.
Reading your post reminded me so much of fights with XABF. Mine only got worse and more abusive over time, despite trying everything to make them stop so we could just have a happy life (delusion). I too hated the way I acted during those times, hated what I had become. I finally realized it had to stop when I lost control of my car in a rage reacting to drunk XABF's verbal abuse from the passengers seat, and had the worst accident of my life. I almost killed us both!!! The car was demolished, we spun and flipped numerous times. It's a miracle we are alive today. It's the saddest thing that all of this happened AFTER XABF's recovery. He'd completed a six month sober living stint and was SO happy and 100% into recovery. And just when I started to have real hope, to see real change and happiness, he picked up a drink. And it started all over again, only this time it was worse. I'd imagine it would be each time, you just have that much more invested and your heart is just that much more broken each time they relapse and all of the old demons come back to haunt you.
You are in a dangerous situation! You may not fully realize how dangerous it is yet, but addiction is powerful for all parties involved. You don't realize the lengths you'll go to on either end of this disease until you're in the ER on a perfectly normal Tuesday night marveling at the fact that you're still alive. If you're that lucky...
Stay strong and follow your instincts!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear rararasputin,
I am glad you found this site.
If he has punched the wall, you are next.
If he has been covered in blood, you will be the next one covered in blood.
I am sorry if I missed this, but do you live with him? where is your family/close friends?
This is from the DV webpage:
·················································· ·············
Am I Being Abused?
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
·················································· ·················································· ··
Please call the hotline. You are so young! I am 29. I lived with an abusive XABF. I had to leave him, he insulted me, then cried for hours and apologized, then disrespected me again. Once on a trip to the beach he made me cry so much I couldn´t believe words could be so painful. Then he cried all night saying it would never happen again. And it happened again and again, until my gut told me to LEAVE, and I did. Gut feelings are never wrong. Its our instinct at work.
Addicts will always let you down.
That was more than 2 years ago. Today he drinks the same or more and doesn´t admit any problem. So, if you are under the illusion he will change, I can tell you: he won´t change. He might never change. You can´t control him, you can´t cure him, and your very life is at stake here.
Call the DV line when he is away, explain the situation, keep posting here, always carry a mobile - if you were my little sister I would be very worried about you.
You need real life support. Who can you trust?
Hugs and thoughts going your way.
I am glad you found this site.
If he has punched the wall, you are next.
If he has been covered in blood, you will be the next one covered in blood.
I am sorry if I missed this, but do you live with him? where is your family/close friends?
This is from the DV webpage:
·················································· ·············
Am I Being Abused?
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
·················································· ·················································· ··
Please call the hotline. You are so young! I am 29. I lived with an abusive XABF. I had to leave him, he insulted me, then cried for hours and apologized, then disrespected me again. Once on a trip to the beach he made me cry so much I couldn´t believe words could be so painful. Then he cried all night saying it would never happen again. And it happened again and again, until my gut told me to LEAVE, and I did. Gut feelings are never wrong. Its our instinct at work.
Addicts will always let you down.
That was more than 2 years ago. Today he drinks the same or more and doesn´t admit any problem. So, if you are under the illusion he will change, I can tell you: he won´t change. He might never change. You can´t control him, you can´t cure him, and your very life is at stake here.
Call the DV line when he is away, explain the situation, keep posting here, always carry a mobile - if you were my little sister I would be very worried about you.
You need real life support. Who can you trust?
Hugs and thoughts going your way.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From Addiction, Lies and Relationships
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. Youll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again à and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. Youll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again à and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Rarasputin. There are so many things that are running through my head and I'm trying to figure out what to say - what would I have listened to when I was still with XAH... I don't know... I was so sure that our relationship was "normal"; that if I just tried a little harder, he wouldn't drink and get sullen or angry; if I could just learn what I was doing that p-ssed him off, I'd stop it; if I just learned how to communicate with him, he'd understand all the things I said that he took as criticism and a reason to drink and get angry.... If I'd just dump out all the alcohol in our house, he couldn't drink... If I could just make him stop drinking, he'd be the same great guy he was at the start of our relationship.
I thought that everything was normal or at least normal-ish. After all, he never hit ME; he never pointed his gun at ME; he never hit me with the metal bat he brought home; he never brandished a knife at ME. He just broke my belongings; he just brought a gun home to leave out on the desk; he just told me stories about beating the sh-t out of a guy with a bat.
I thought it was because he drank. Then I thought it was because he drank SO much. I was his girlfriend/wife. A boyfriend/husband wouldn’t do anything harmful or hurtful to the woman he loved. (Yes, I married him - I ignored a lot of redflags.)
I made excuses for why XAH got angry or sullen or why he intimidated, threatened, or r-d me or broke my stuff: he was stressed out because of work; his boss was an a— and ‘disrespected’ him; he’d had a ‘few’ drinks; I was not clear when I spoke and he didn’t understand what I was trying to say; he was depressed because of his mother’s death; I was his.
The few things I’ve posted here about life with XAH and the excuses, etc, may sound insignificant or unimportant when taken alone or in small doses. But it was an ongoing pattern that left life with him a hollow shell of darkness, uncertainty, pain and fear. Your post was so reminiscent of my life with XAH. I do not think that it sounds like you are blowing it out of proportion. If anything, you may be downplaying his part in it too much and attributing it to alcohol or your own fault too much.
I don't know you, but I know:
You did not Cause it
You can not Cure it
You can not Control it
Please keep reading and posting here. We’re here to support you. There is great information available in the stickies at the top of the forum too.
I thought that everything was normal or at least normal-ish. After all, he never hit ME; he never pointed his gun at ME; he never hit me with the metal bat he brought home; he never brandished a knife at ME. He just broke my belongings; he just brought a gun home to leave out on the desk; he just told me stories about beating the sh-t out of a guy with a bat.
I thought it was because he drank. Then I thought it was because he drank SO much. I was his girlfriend/wife. A boyfriend/husband wouldn’t do anything harmful or hurtful to the woman he loved. (Yes, I married him - I ignored a lot of redflags.)
I made excuses for why XAH got angry or sullen or why he intimidated, threatened, or r-d me or broke my stuff: he was stressed out because of work; his boss was an a— and ‘disrespected’ him; he’d had a ‘few’ drinks; I was not clear when I spoke and he didn’t understand what I was trying to say; he was depressed because of his mother’s death; I was his.
The few things I’ve posted here about life with XAH and the excuses, etc, may sound insignificant or unimportant when taken alone or in small doses. But it was an ongoing pattern that left life with him a hollow shell of darkness, uncertainty, pain and fear. Your post was so reminiscent of my life with XAH. I do not think that it sounds like you are blowing it out of proportion. If anything, you may be downplaying his part in it too much and attributing it to alcohol or your own fault too much.
I don't know you, but I know:
- You deserve so much more than a part-time boyfriend. Even if it's only to the point where he's 'good' 98% of the time, you deserve to be with some one who can give you more than that, especially when the other time is full of his remorse and/or your fear: fear for him, for yourself, for the public.
- You deserve so much more than the waiting period spent looking for the other shoe to drop.
- You deserve so much more than having to become some one you don't like when you have to deal with his drinking.
You did not Cause it
You can not Cure it
You can not Control it
Please keep reading and posting here. We’re here to support you. There is great information available in the stickies at the top of the forum too.
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