CXR

I've been going to meetings (a lot) very regularly. All is good. I've been feeling in a very good place. There's a couple of things in my life that might not work out the way I want, but that's OK. I am OK with that. The one or two things will not consume me, make my entire life unhappy, etc. I feel great about that and I am grateful.

So I've had to deal with my wife these past two weeks, more than normal. In dealing with her, I've notices some "slips" so to speak. I've said for quite some time that I've mastered detachment. Her drinking doesn't impact me, not to any significant extent. It doesn't have an impact on my life. I've been really good at this. But, the past two weeks, I've seen some things. A couple of times, during or while it's going on, other times, after the fact.

I did not confront her about her drinking or when she was drunk. I never used the world alcohol, drunk, or drinking. But when we were talking and I knew she was drunk, I tried to interrogate her. I tried to "prove" to her that she was incoherent without saying so, by asking questions, asking for clarifications because she wasn't making sense, etc. I was being passive aggressive in trying to "show" her what condition she was in, how she was being.

Another time, she was going through her pocketbook looking for her keys -- and she turned away to hide the contents of her pocketbook (she keeps a small bottle in there). I started to question her -- why was she turning away, why are you doing that, it makes no sense, why not look over here, etc.

On another occasion, I observed her going to the master bathroom (upstairs) a lot, even when we were downstairs. So I knew she was hiding alcohol there. After she left, I went and looked for it. Found it. I put it back. I looked in her other spots.

Sometimes I see it during. Other times after it's over. I feel bad. I am afraid this is "not good" for me. I don't want to regress, I want to keep making progress.

What do you do about your "slips"? Thank you.

1undone

I was that wife. I'm sorry for her behavior first of all. And thank you for sticking by her and detaching with love. She will eventually get tired of the game and come to her own reality - that this isn't working for her or you, the game will get old and she will get tired. The day will come trust me!

My husband used to do all the things you describe above and with good reason BUT (yep there is a but) it did him only harm. You have to take care of yourself. The more you pull away and detach the qicker she will get to the place where she is ready to live a sober life. The more you do the above the more she will rebell and won't get where she needs to be because she will (in her alcoholic mind) think you are trying to control her and are getting in her business.

I can't guarentee she will get sober but the odds increase as you get healthy. My husband is why I'm sober today. By going to Al-Anon he showed me he cared and that I was worth fighting for. I never thought I was worth much so that was a clear sign that I had to reward him. I already was desperate but this action on his part pushed me over the edge to AA.

I don't know your full story and I'm coming from the Alcoholic side but I have to say that the more you pull away and get healthy the better off you both will be. I know it's hard, this is the hardest thing my husband and I have been through and are going through but it does get better. Hugs!

smacked

I hate that word.. 'slip'. She's not slipping on anything, she's actively drinking. What you do, is decide if you're willing to live with an active alcoholic.. she has every right to drink if she wants to, ya know?

wywriter

I'm afraid I do the same thing, but I'm trying to catch myself -- my AH hides his bottles, I take them out of hiding and set them in plain sight on the counter. Just last night I had this conversation with him: H, "You're treating me like a ******." Me, "Howso?" "You know how." "Is this referring to my previous comment that you're incoherent?" "No, I'm not." "You're not referring to the comment?" "I'm not incoherent." "So how am I treating you like a ******?" "I never said that, you're going to hell for lying." "You're not making any sense." "You just called me a ******." "I called you incoherent." "I'm not incoherent." (if this isn't sounding incoherent yet....the loop went around several times almost verbatim)

There have been a lot of times that I feel like I just can't resist needling him a little bit, and eventually he does say, "You know, I'm really really drunk and I can't talk right now." Maybe that's why I keep doing it. As far as trying to stop...I'm to the point now that when he's drunk I try very hard to interrogate myself about everything I'm going to say -- does it serve a purpose? Is it constructive? Is it completely unrelated to alcohol or its effects? If any of the answers are no, I don't say it. I slip a lot too, but I guess it's a process from both sides of the fence.

1undone -- thank you so much for posting that . I've resisted going to Al-Anon because I was afraid my husband would be mad at me for going, and only recently decided that I don't care what he thinks. It never crossed my mind that the reaction could possibly be something other than anger.

Brae

First off I want to say....I certainly understand how you are feeling. It has taken me alot of practice to detach with love, lots and lots. ..and I do regress at times... But with that practice I get to remember that I love my partner regardless of whether or not hes loaded. I also get to practice boundaries and loving myself, so as some may see this as a negative experience I dont necessarily. I know that the universe is giving me the opportunity to help this person I love by doing just that, and only that, loving them. It takes "minding my own business" to a whole other level in my life. The fact that you are healthy enough to notice your behavior around this is wonderful, AND the fact that you are willing to talk with others about it is even more wonderful. I get to love my partner and then turn my attention to what I am doing about MY experiences, go to a meeting, do the dishes, do some yoga.
On the other side...I am a double winner... and I can say there is absolutely nothing my partner could have done to get me to stop before I was ready. NOTHING. No amount of getting me to notice my drunkenness would have made any difference.

Thanks for sharing part of your story here. It really helps others, and gives them an opportunity to give back.

CXR

Thanks. Keep going back to meetings!!!

CXR

Yes, I am needling. I do that. I don't want to confront and call her out, and I know that's not healthy. But, I am angry and frustrated, so my needling, questioning, trying to show without saying, is my release. It's my way of getting it out. I don't know if I am explaining myself well -- but I am using needling and remarks. I am frustrated.

I don't want to be that way. Let her drink and good for her. I only hope she hits rock bottom sooner and hard.

CXR

Agreed. They are my slips. LOL. Slips from me being healthy and detaching, not enabling, not getting sucked in, and so on. I've not stopped her from drinking, but my behavior has certainly tried to show her how pathetic she is. She doesn't care. She almost falls down, can't find words and speak, can't focus, passes out, and so on. She eats like an animal, mixes all different foods up in the same bowl, eats with her hands, right out of pots and pans, drops food all over the floor, and passes out with food all over herself. I don't do a thing.

When she drove off the road, I confronted her the next day. She said she was sick. That was the last time I did so and even then I let it go. I made it clear that she is on her own if something goes wrong. I will not let her drive with my nieces and nephews in the car -- and she knows that. That's my rule. She wants to drive with her friend's kids in the car, that's her decision.

Sometimes I just want to say "screw her" and I guess I have. Divorce is eminent. We are living separate lives. We are separated in the same house. I am sooooo ready to move on.

1undone

If leaving is the only way to detach then you really should, I'm glad mine didn't but we are all different. Right when my DH told me he was going to Alanon that night I went to AA. All relationships are so different so do what will keep you healthy.

You have to protect yourself because this disease is contagious but not like in the classical sense. You can get just as sick as the alcoholic. Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this.

CXR

Thank you. I am detaching and truly doing very well. I don't enable her, don't get sucked into the fights, arguments, etc. It was just these last two weeks or so, I noticed that I was "frustrated" and was acting out a bit. I shared about it at the last few meetings I went to. My sponsor reminded me "progress, not perfection" and that is true. I was also reminded that you can never be truly immune to it. I think I was also confused that I caught myself during, and a few times after the fact. I think part of it is that maybe I want her to know she's not fooling me. Who knows.

The good news is that it happened again last night. I easily could have started quizzing her, trying to get to her to better explain things, pointed out she wasn't making sense (in an alleged "innocent" way, and without even bringing up alcohol), and so on. But instead I just said "OK, I didn't want to intrude, just go ahead and finish your game/time with your friends" -- and that was it. I wasn't angry or anything. As a matter of fact, she said thank you and that was very nice of me.

Thanks everyone.

CXR

We've been married 8 years. The last 3 have been "peaceful" but not happy, fun, etc. She started drinking, heavier and heavier. We grew apart. Started different interests, different things. I reconnected with friends and started doing things. She spent more and more time holed up in the house, talking online, spending time on facebook, drinking, texting, etc. She quit working and looking for a new job. Doesn't want to work. We live and want different lives. It became easy. But I want more out of life of course.

We may have some love for each other. I can only speak for me. I am not in love with her any longer. At times she's OK. Other times she's pathetic. I am preparing for divorce. It's OK. It's a good thing.

Thanks.

1undone

Yeah, sounds like she is making her world smaller and smaller doesn't mean you have to. Hang in there!!!!!

CXR

Thanks. I am back on-board so to speak. Went to my meetings, shared, identified what I was doing, got some wisdom and experiences from others. One of the best things is that there is a brand-new men's meeting here. Slips, seeing them, what you do about them, etc. -- was the topic the other night. So I got a lot of first-hand insight from men -- those who are dealing with spouses, ex-spouses, children, etc. Doesn't matter. Detachment is detachment so to speak. Enabling is enabling. Sure, there are differences, nuances and so on.

So I made the decision to go back to where I was. The healthy and great place I was. The calls, texts, inquiries, all of that still came, but I chose not to dance with her. Whatever she was doing, wanted to do, and so on -- I didn't intrude, look to discuss, get passive aggressive, or have any involvement whatsoever. This is where I can be and will be healthy.

So, thank you everyone.