Not making any progress
Dazed and confused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 14
Not making any progress
I see a lot of posts from people who had the courage to walk away from their significant other due to the other's drinking. But what about the other way around? Does anyone have any experience with the drinking partner suddenly saying goodbye and don't contact me?
My XGF relapsed twice in the last few weeks of our relationship. (She is bipolar as well and her behavior got pretty erratic). As far as I know, she had been sober the entire time I knew her. And I knew she might relapse someday, but had no idea it was coming. She probably didn't either.
She flew out of town on a brief vacation and did her drinking there. After coming back she admitted she had planned on drinking while being away. That is, her disease planned on her drinking. What happens in ..... stays in ..... kind of thing. She dropped into a depressive state and then decided she might as well drink. I felt so sad for her. She had worked so hard on her sobriety. She had several years under her belt.
When she returned she was placed in a lockdown facility for a few days. It was hard to see her there. After being released, she was drinking again within a few days.
I told her I needed some space to process all of the things that had happened in the past couple of weeks. Within a week of this, she broke up with me. After trying some e-mail communication for a few days she suddenly said don't contact me anymore.
I was stunned. Hurt. Angry. Confused. You name it.
I feel guilty for not letting her know how much I cared about her and then letting her resolve her issues. I feel like I acted out of fear - - fear of watching her spiral downward. I feel bad that I took some things personally. Telling me she planned on drinking in secret felt like betrayal.
Anyway - - we have now been in "no contact" mode for a month. And I feel like S**t. I didn't cover up her conditions or enable her conditions and recognized long ago about the 3 c's. But I do love her and I have no idea if she is well, or sober, or anything really. I am respecting her wish of NC. And it is killing me.
In the past month I have read 2 Melodie Beattie books, Codependent No more, 4 books on loving people with bipolar conditions, 2 on addiction ( one is James Frey - - a tough read), and now am reading Love is a Choice. I have begun therapy for my grief and my own abandonment issues. Seems like all relationships have a bit of codependency in them. But I feel alone.
A lot of people here left their partner due to their partner's drinking. My partner suddenly starting drinking and quickly said goodbye. I am lost. Can anyone relate to this?
My XGF relapsed twice in the last few weeks of our relationship. (She is bipolar as well and her behavior got pretty erratic). As far as I know, she had been sober the entire time I knew her. And I knew she might relapse someday, but had no idea it was coming. She probably didn't either.
She flew out of town on a brief vacation and did her drinking there. After coming back she admitted she had planned on drinking while being away. That is, her disease planned on her drinking. What happens in ..... stays in ..... kind of thing. She dropped into a depressive state and then decided she might as well drink. I felt so sad for her. She had worked so hard on her sobriety. She had several years under her belt.
When she returned she was placed in a lockdown facility for a few days. It was hard to see her there. After being released, she was drinking again within a few days.
I told her I needed some space to process all of the things that had happened in the past couple of weeks. Within a week of this, she broke up with me. After trying some e-mail communication for a few days she suddenly said don't contact me anymore.
I was stunned. Hurt. Angry. Confused. You name it.
I feel guilty for not letting her know how much I cared about her and then letting her resolve her issues. I feel like I acted out of fear - - fear of watching her spiral downward. I feel bad that I took some things personally. Telling me she planned on drinking in secret felt like betrayal.
Anyway - - we have now been in "no contact" mode for a month. And I feel like S**t. I didn't cover up her conditions or enable her conditions and recognized long ago about the 3 c's. But I do love her and I have no idea if she is well, or sober, or anything really. I am respecting her wish of NC. And it is killing me.
In the past month I have read 2 Melodie Beattie books, Codependent No more, 4 books on loving people with bipolar conditions, 2 on addiction ( one is James Frey - - a tough read), and now am reading Love is a Choice. I have begun therapy for my grief and my own abandonment issues. Seems like all relationships have a bit of codependency in them. But I feel alone.
A lot of people here left their partner due to their partner's drinking. My partner suddenly starting drinking and quickly said goodbye. I am lost. Can anyone relate to this?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I think it is pretty common when someone relapses that they isolate or 'disappear'. There is a lot of shame associated with relapsing for them. And given her history of depression, she probably is not in a state to be in a relationship until she sorts herself out.
Most likely you will hear from her when she is in a clearer state of mind. But you are left feeling a type of rejection (I've been there!) but it has NOTHING to do with you or anything you said or did or did not do. She is having an emotional crisis of sorts and using booze to numb herself.
As hard as it is to be apart, she is doing you a favor. To see her in a bad state would be more painful probably. Let her be and take care of yourself. It is heart breaking but this is when detaching with love really works.
Most likely you will hear from her when she is in a clearer state of mind. But you are left feeling a type of rejection (I've been there!) but it has NOTHING to do with you or anything you said or did or did not do. She is having an emotional crisis of sorts and using booze to numb herself.
As hard as it is to be apart, she is doing you a favor. To see her in a bad state would be more painful probably. Let her be and take care of yourself. It is heart breaking but this is when detaching with love really works.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
I am not sure everyone's posts are about them walking away--in a way, yes--because we are recovering... but if you read through, you'll find that many endings were chaotic and basically the courage to walk away was because we were facing a brick wall where the only thing we could do was to walk away from the brick wall.
in many ways our As all left us. I know that yours just disappeared physically, but basically--if she hadn't done that, she'd have disappeared anyway. they ALL isolate. This way, she's at least sparing you the verbal attacks to PUSH you away.
i felt like you too when i first started looking at forums... like, "why does everyone talk about the courage to walk away?" for me, it was like... i didn't get a CHOICE to walk away... i was left too (physically many times, but emotionally mostly). when people TRULY CHOOSE to leave something then they are strong and independent and not cowardly or wavering in their choice (think of when YOU make life decisions). those that abandon aren't choosing to leave us, they just have no other option but to leave us because that is what alcholics do (isolate... do anything to keep their delusions that they aren't destroying their lives intact... etc)
the no contact thing SUCKS... im in the midst of it... and i, like you, wonder if it's going to be lifelong. mine was suffering from depression too. you are in month one. i am in month four. im not exactly sure if i'm "much better" than i was in month one, but i can say that im glad im at least at month four? so... just keep going... right now, with it being so fresh for you--distraction is definitely the thing to do. it may not be healthy or maybe it is... but i know that i had to distract myself for a VERY long time because my brain wasn't able to handle all of the emotions just yet... they have to come to me in small spurts, because when they were coming all at once (when i wasn't FOCUSING on being distracted) i was "going insane" and i was physically drained from all of the mental energy.
im truly sorry for your pain... after suffering through it, i don't wish this even on my worst enemy. when you feel lonely, remember all of us here from SR
in many ways our As all left us. I know that yours just disappeared physically, but basically--if she hadn't done that, she'd have disappeared anyway. they ALL isolate. This way, she's at least sparing you the verbal attacks to PUSH you away.
i felt like you too when i first started looking at forums... like, "why does everyone talk about the courage to walk away?" for me, it was like... i didn't get a CHOICE to walk away... i was left too (physically many times, but emotionally mostly). when people TRULY CHOOSE to leave something then they are strong and independent and not cowardly or wavering in their choice (think of when YOU make life decisions). those that abandon aren't choosing to leave us, they just have no other option but to leave us because that is what alcholics do (isolate... do anything to keep their delusions that they aren't destroying their lives intact... etc)
the no contact thing SUCKS... im in the midst of it... and i, like you, wonder if it's going to be lifelong. mine was suffering from depression too. you are in month one. i am in month four. im not exactly sure if i'm "much better" than i was in month one, but i can say that im glad im at least at month four? so... just keep going... right now, with it being so fresh for you--distraction is definitely the thing to do. it may not be healthy or maybe it is... but i know that i had to distract myself for a VERY long time because my brain wasn't able to handle all of the emotions just yet... they have to come to me in small spurts, because when they were coming all at once (when i wasn't FOCUSING on being distracted) i was "going insane" and i was physically drained from all of the mental energy.
im truly sorry for your pain... after suffering through it, i don't wish this even on my worst enemy. when you feel lonely, remember all of us here from SR
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
i just wanted to add... that i think i can relate because there are so many stories of people's As "begging" to come back or "making [false] promises" or people "getting to choose" if they want their A in their life or not...
and reading those make me feel a tinge of not jealousy, but just wondering if there must be something wrong with me since im not even getting a choice... so, it makes me feel alone.
however, like i said--once you continue to keep seeing the similarities in our situations, that feeling of being alone in not getting to "choose" to walk away but really just being abandoned will be shed. a light shines that shows we really do get a choice to walk away too.
deep down, you must know that if you engaged in some sort of conversation--it would all come flooding back...the chaos of it all.
and reading those make me feel a tinge of not jealousy, but just wondering if there must be something wrong with me since im not even getting a choice... so, it makes me feel alone.
however, like i said--once you continue to keep seeing the similarities in our situations, that feeling of being alone in not getting to "choose" to walk away but really just being abandoned will be shed. a light shines that shows we really do get a choice to walk away too.
deep down, you must know that if you engaged in some sort of conversation--it would all come flooding back...the chaos of it all.
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