The Goodbye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
The Goodbye
This is to those of us that have finally split from our A. I am not there yet but well on my way. Just curious of how your goodbye went?
He is so quiet around the house and barely talks to me. I guess I am wondering how the goodbye will be when it happens.
He is so quiet around the house and barely talks to me. I guess I am wondering how the goodbye will be when it happens.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
If I recall, you have kids together... so there might never really be a "good bye"... at least that's what I'm figuring on in my situation. It's just going to be, "See ya later!"
It's wierd to sit and "see" our relationship die/evolve into just co-parents. It's sad, but it is what it is.
It's wierd to sit and "see" our relationship die/evolve into just co-parents. It's sad, but it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Man oh man - my exit was a total DRAMA FEST! There was a lot of swearing, most of it began with the letter F. Then my program kicked in and my parting words were "I am now going to go find my self respect again, because I do not like who I have become".
He only said he was sorry. Twice.
I can only imagine now what I must have looked like - total psycho - hair standing on end, eyes wide, screaming obscenities while throwing suitcases in the car.
Not one of my finer moments. I can be a hothead sometimes.
I am working on that...by the way...!
He only said he was sorry. Twice.
I can only imagine now what I must have looked like - total psycho - hair standing on end, eyes wide, screaming obscenities while throwing suitcases in the car.
Not one of my finer moments. I can be a hothead sometimes.
I am working on that...by the way...!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I left mine a message on his cell phone while he was in rehab, saying I was going "no contact" and blocking his phone from calling me. I was not 100% certain I wanted everything over at that point, though, so I was not as forceful as I could have been.
When he came by my desk at work in March to talk about how everything was my fault but he'd give me another chance (ha!), I made it very clear that it was over. He started yelling at me that of course it wasn't over because I had to go back to him, so I walked away. He followed me, so I kept calmly walking until I was out of sight, sprinted through a different door, and ended up by a window (tinted, can't see in from the outside) and waited until his car left my parking lot.
He still doesn't understand the meaning of the word "no" or the phrases "It's over" and "I'm done."
When he came by my desk at work in March to talk about how everything was my fault but he'd give me another chance (ha!), I made it very clear that it was over. He started yelling at me that of course it wasn't over because I had to go back to him, so I walked away. He followed me, so I kept calmly walking until I was out of sight, sprinted through a different door, and ended up by a window (tinted, can't see in from the outside) and waited until his car left my parking lot.
He still doesn't understand the meaning of the word "no" or the phrases "It's over" and "I'm done."
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I sat down and told him that I wasn't going on vacation as a family. That I had gotten an apartment and I would be moving all my stuff out while he and our daughter were on vacation with his family. He told me he wasn't ready for it to be over. He asked me not to leave. He tried a few more things, mostly what I felt were selfish and manipulative moves to get me to stay. He asked me to change my mind right up to him packing the car and driving away. I stood my ground. I used most of the week to cry, I finished packing and I moved out. He didn't really want me or my daughter to stay. He made it quite clear many time that he wanted us out. What he wanted was to hold on to our daughter.
P.S. there weren't any tears except for the ones shed because he felt sorry for himself.
Peace,
Jen
P.S. there weren't any tears except for the ones shed because he felt sorry for himself.
Peace,
Jen
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
WOW! well, for me...he left me...cya la vie!! he left a note when i was at work(then angry emails on my computer after fact...that was just weird..maybe he wanted more of a fight from me)...it did tell me thou, it was not my fault and that he did not want to drag me down with him....hummm...that was my faith!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
He told me he started drinking again. I told him he wouldn't be able to do that here. I asked him to leave that night. He said he didn't have a place to go. I told him that would be his problem. He left.
He called in the middle of the night asking me to come get him. He was parked in front of his parents' house. His parents who had kicked him out the day before because they found bottles all over the place at their house.
I told him to stay there, that I couldn't come get him.
He emailed the next day that his stepdad offered to rent him one of their properties and he wanted to get his stuff. He said, "Sober or not, I'm not coming back this time. Do what you have to do for you and (child's name here)".
I emailed back, "Thank you for understanding about (child's name) and me. I will be glad to have your things packed up and in the garage after finals are over. I still love you, and I'm not sure how to get over you, but I guess this is the time to find out. Please forgive me for my part in this."
Since then, 11 days ago, the only communication has been him asking me access to the house to pick up a few necessities. I have left the key for him each of those times, and he has left the key on the counter when he's done. My neighbor keeps watch of things for me.
No other "good bye".
He called in the middle of the night asking me to come get him. He was parked in front of his parents' house. His parents who had kicked him out the day before because they found bottles all over the place at their house.
I told him to stay there, that I couldn't come get him.
He emailed the next day that his stepdad offered to rent him one of their properties and he wanted to get his stuff. He said, "Sober or not, I'm not coming back this time. Do what you have to do for you and (child's name here)".
I emailed back, "Thank you for understanding about (child's name) and me. I will be glad to have your things packed up and in the garage after finals are over. I still love you, and I'm not sure how to get over you, but I guess this is the time to find out. Please forgive me for my part in this."
Since then, 11 days ago, the only communication has been him asking me access to the house to pick up a few necessities. I have left the key for him each of those times, and he has left the key on the counter when he's done. My neighbor keeps watch of things for me.
No other "good bye".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
My Ex called me a quitter (he was pretty drunk at the time), told me my smoking and being overweight was killing his sexual desire. Instead of screaming, yelling, cursing and crying, my Al-Anon principles kicked in - as I said "I'm sorry your feel that way..." I hung up the phone and have not spoken to him in close to 2 months.
Since then, I have received several emails ranging from "I'm sorry" to "karma will bite you in the ass" and after 2 weeks of NC, he hit the dating websites. On to the next enabler.......
Since then, I have received several emails ranging from "I'm sorry" to "karma will bite you in the ass" and after 2 weeks of NC, he hit the dating websites. On to the next enabler.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Ok, I started to click on individual post, so this is for everyone!
I feel happy for myself that I have gotten to this point and know I am DONE, but then feel sad sometimes and the goodbye is bothering me all of a sudden. How do you say goodbye after 25 years? Yes, we have kids but they are adults now so I really do not have to see him ever again if I choose. Just feels weird I guess.
That is why I love SR and all you awesome people. I can post anything that is bothering me along my journey with my A and you always support me and give the best advise. There really is no other place like SR for a codie to be!!
AGAIN, From the bottom of my Heart, Thank you ALL!!
ps and to think I was very leary of posting on any forum. That is why I lerked around for few years before joining. Thank God I did because I never would have made it through with you guys.
I feel happy for myself that I have gotten to this point and know I am DONE, but then feel sad sometimes and the goodbye is bothering me all of a sudden. How do you say goodbye after 25 years? Yes, we have kids but they are adults now so I really do not have to see him ever again if I choose. Just feels weird I guess.
That is why I love SR and all you awesome people. I can post anything that is bothering me along my journey with my A and you always support me and give the best advise. There really is no other place like SR for a codie to be!!
AGAIN, From the bottom of my Heart, Thank you ALL!!
ps and to think I was very leary of posting on any forum. That is why I lerked around for few years before joining. Thank God I did because I never would have made it through with you guys.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
I moved out of our apartment while he was working; I'd told him I was leaving that day but apparently he didn't believe me. He did only after getting home that night and finding the house basically empty!
...As for the last good bye, hasn't happened yet, he keeps contacting me and I keep being there. Everyone around me keeps telling me I shouldn't talk to him, and I know it is true, but some things are easier said than done.
...As for the last good bye, hasn't happened yet, he keeps contacting me and I keep being there. Everyone around me keeps telling me I shouldn't talk to him, and I know it is true, but some things are easier said than done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
lots of quacking, and some genuine crying. He keeps saying he misses me, but it's hard to feel the authenticity of that when I can smell the day-old wine on him, ya know? Cohabiting was incredibly painful for me, and I left as soon as I could... 4 days, 5? I was miserable.
- Sylvie
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Me and my exabf weren't co habitating and he had taken the last of his stuff out a few months ago. He broke up with me in December because we got into a fight about him running off to the bar with an old high school friend who'd just come back into town who is clearly an alcoholic.
We didn't cut ties, tho. We still kind of worked together..slept together once in January. 3 days after we slept together, he went to a bar social, got wasted, and we argued over the phone. That was the night he threatened suicide with his gun in his mouth.
I pulled away. Started seeing the therapist heavy duty and back to al-anon. He was sending me pleading, begging, sad, emails. On Valentine's Day, sent me this long one that suggested he knew what he was doing was unhealthy and he wanted to change.
I stupidly went back to contacting him and 4 days later, he was sending me drunk text messages. I agreed to let him work a photo shoot I'd organized on March 5th, because I'd made a commitment to him to do it MONTHs ago and didn't want to reneg..he showed up smelling like booze. I was done.
Then it was a couple more weeks of "what do I need to do to get you back" and me going "STOP DRINKING" over and over.
March 15th, we had to talk about a camera that belonged to both of us. He told me how much he missed me and thought about me. I called my therapist -he said "tell him he either gets sober or you walk." I did. He decided to walk. He went straight back to his pothead drunky ex, the one he'd talked smack about and who writes how much she loves Jack Daniels all over her facebook...back into the bed of another enabler.
We didn't cut ties, tho. We still kind of worked together..slept together once in January. 3 days after we slept together, he went to a bar social, got wasted, and we argued over the phone. That was the night he threatened suicide with his gun in his mouth.
I pulled away. Started seeing the therapist heavy duty and back to al-anon. He was sending me pleading, begging, sad, emails. On Valentine's Day, sent me this long one that suggested he knew what he was doing was unhealthy and he wanted to change.
I stupidly went back to contacting him and 4 days later, he was sending me drunk text messages. I agreed to let him work a photo shoot I'd organized on March 5th, because I'd made a commitment to him to do it MONTHs ago and didn't want to reneg..he showed up smelling like booze. I was done.
Then it was a couple more weeks of "what do I need to do to get you back" and me going "STOP DRINKING" over and over.
March 15th, we had to talk about a camera that belonged to both of us. He told me how much he missed me and thought about me. I called my therapist -he said "tell him he either gets sober or you walk." I did. He decided to walk. He went straight back to his pothead drunky ex, the one he'd talked smack about and who writes how much she loves Jack Daniels all over her facebook...back into the bed of another enabler.
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