tryingtoparent

Hi, I have a 23 yr old daughter that I need to get into treatment. I am willing to send her away...she needs to get away from like "friends" and use 4-5 weeks to address drinking, anxiety, depression. Anybody have any experience with a good treatment center? They all start to look the same to me. Any suggestions on picking one? Help.

Dee74

Hi tryingtoparent

I have no experience with rehabs but this is a nationwide directory of treatment centres - enter your location and you'll get some hits - each of them has a brief description of what they do and what their mission is...

do a detailed search and you can limit the results to various factors if that helps

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

D

BHF

I would suggest that you start by looking at locations. There are numerous treatment centers with excellent reputations throughout the country. Then you have to consider the program costs, including airfare. Some will request that you, as the parent, participate during a weekend, requiring additional airfare. Also, is a traditional 28-30 day treatment sufficient for your daughter? There are alot of variables to consider. There are 2 very reputable treatment centers in middle TN where I am located and I will be happy to give you the contact information if you think this is a possibility.

Best Wishes.

justjo

Hi TTP

Im not sure where you live, but in Australia I wasnt able to send my son into a rehab unit as he was over 18 and refused to go (because He didnt have a problem - he said). Im hoping that you can where you are.
I believe when they are young, their peers and friends have alot to do with their environment & if they are using. I was so fed up with people portraying to me that the 'parents' were responsible. Sure, to a point but once they are adults you cant control what they do or who they are with.
Heres hoping that you can help your daughter onto a good path.
JJ

laurie6781

Sorry to be a 'bubble burster' but, you may feel like you NEED to get her into treatment, but unless she has stated she wants to quit, to change, that she is ready then you are just wasting your time, energy and money and will cause a big resentment in her that she can use to continue to drink and use.

Instead, how about trying some AlAnon for yourself? Sad to say, just because we would like our children, siblings, parents, or spouses to get clean and sober it does not work that way.

I know from personal experience, both as an alcoholic and also as a family member of an A that I have no control over them and my family had no control over me.

When my family was finally at their limits with me, and said NO MORE I was 33 1/2. I was told if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, if I called on the phone they would hang up, and if I attempted to steal from them they would call the police. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years of that was living on the street. That will be 30 years come the 7th of next month.

I am what is called a 'double winner' and we have several of them around here, lol

I have said many times over the years that, that was the very BEST thing my parents ever did for me. They allowed me to face up to ALL the consequences of ALL my actions. What a beautiful gift that was, although I didn't think so at the time, lol

As your daughter is an adult, maybe try some AlAnon, trying at least 6 different meetings to see which ones you feel might fit you the best.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Dee74

sorry tryingtoparent if I misread your initial post - I've read some of your previous posts now and I absolutely agree with Laurie: this has to to be your daughters idea.

The motivation to clean up has to be internal, it can't be external...the recovery journey can't be taken by someone else IMO.

If your daughters not interested in helping herself right now, I hope you'll look at AlAnon for yourself.

D

Taking5

What Laurie said. If she is ready, she should be posting on SR, looking for rehab places, etc.

Also, an alcoholic or addict WILL find their high - those friends, while they may not be healthy influences - make zero difference in the recovery process, unless your daughter is really ready.

tryingtoparent

Thanks for input....hmmm didn't get any good names though...my prob is there are so many I am not sure which is right. I talked to four. I think one with her age group would be better than not. Money is not the issue, getting her to go is the issue. But should getting her to go be resolved I need to be ready.

Her PO and the head of Probation Admin said they made inquiries about me contacting the judge. It was my idea to do so because of the circumstances and they tell me yes, they agree. They said the judge will likely go with my suggestion. She will order inpatient treatment. Her DUI happened months ago. She received an eval before going to court. The probation people tell me now the court approved provider failed to follow the eval standards required by the state which was to include the family's and specifically her parents, input into the eval. Screw ups or favors? We'l soon find out. But, can the court "force" her? If she is ordered to go to inpatient treatment now or go to jail which will she choose? Probably jail.

If I or any of the immediate family should let her "hit bottom" as most people suggest, what does that look like? She didn't tell anybody but her judge dad, she did get sentenced, she did get the "routine" court punishment which included this eval. Her eval says she has no problem with alcohol. she believes she is just unlucky when she drinks and drives. And nobody but me, my parents and her brothers believes she has a problem.
(so of course we are wrong)

We believe she has a problem....unfortunately that eval is what she's using to tell us we are wrong. We can't just shut her out without making one effort at rehab offer. A court order will require a new eval. She needs a new eval with family input. So for us to just tell her now we are done with you.....wouldn't make sense.

If this goes as planned.... and her eval again says she has no problem...or it does say she has a prob and she plain refuses.... then I am done. I pray alot she doesn't kill herself or someone else and what will happen will happen. Hope nobody I love is in her path at that time to make it doubly tragic (I think this thinking is ridiculous, I've read it here , understand why people say it but its like saying any victim of hers is just her path to admitting a problem. Great. Tell that to a victim's family. )

I am going to address this as a mom should and then I am done. But again, if anyone has a name of a treatment center I'd appreciate their opinion.
THANKS for all posts.

Justfor1

If she chooses jail over going to treatment it really doesn't sound like she is ready. If it is her first DUI it is doubtful she will be put in jail though.

tryingtoparent

Second one, 3 years. Twice the legal limit. And, the reason she'd get the judge to either let her do rehab or go to jail.... she drove on a suspended license for weeks...I am fairly certain judge isn't going to like that.

laurie6781

You have your answer, she is still in DENIAL!!!! Big Time.

As to what her bottom will look like is anybodys guess. She may end up living the streets like I did for a 1 1/2 years before it finally sinks in, and she may have an 'awakening' before she has to live on the streets.

I have to tell you this and let you decide as you will anyway how much more you do for her. I will be sober and clean 30 years the 7th of next month.

Now in that time I have seen an awful lot of folks 'sentenced' to rehab and/or AA by the Courts. Of all that I have seen come in that way, I have only seen 3 that stayed sober. Now that is not to say that some more made it back later after more experimenting, but on initial sentence only 3.

If I were her parents I would step out. It is HER PROBLEM, not yours. It is HER CONQUENCES for her ACTIONS.

No you don't stop loving her, but you step back, allow her to suffer the consequences of all her actions, and in order for you to do that, you attend AlAnon and/or get some one on one counseling with a therapist that specializes in addictions, and get yourself a copy of Melodie Beattie's "Co Dependent No More." It is an excellent book and is available many book stores and Amazon at a very reasonable price.

I had a real hard time 'letting go' of the A's in my life and to stop trying to 'fix' them. After all if I found recovery why couldn't they? lol But AlAnon helped me tremendously with that. Yes, I attend both AA and AlAnon.

As much as you would like to get her into rehab and make her all better, you cannot save her. Only she can, and only she will do it in her time.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

tryingtoparent

Thanks...I guess I am just not buying this advice ....its appreciated and I see it all over this website but at this stage of the game...its very difficult to know what the right thing to do is. She has an eval that tells her shes fine. I have to try to clarify that. She has a judge dad who uses her as a pawn. If I am going to let her make her mistakes I am pretty sure she will survive as a high functional drinker. She has plenty of people to go to for money. For a few seconds yesterday, I thought whats the point of being the only voice of reason...its contradictory...punish the drinker by being the only person who'll not enable her....should she live as a functional alcoholic like most of her friends and ex husbands family...I'll be the one out of her life...I'll be the one losing. So, what do u do there? Me believing she has a problem is what will end our relationship. Really, how does a parent maintain the relationship with a drinker and let her make her own mistakes? And, what about that eval?

Dee74

Lauries advice is very good - I spent a lot of years tying to save people I love...I didn't save them.

I know from being an alcoholic myself that no external force ever works - if you don;t want to address the problem, you won't.

I understand - you want to do something - but it's not your job to do...it's really not.

Beating your head against the brick wall of your child's addiction like this will just ultimately wear you down.

Alanon is a really great suggestion and I hope you take it up.

D

tryingtoparent

No offense here....but no one gives me any advice that is helpful in practice. I think my daughter has a problem, she doesn't. So, do I just say ok, honey you're the adult....run your life as you will.

Ok...great....I can do that....and THEN......?

Dee74

It's not easy.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was let go - but I knew that was the best chance of my loved one day stepping up to the plate by her own volition.

Sorry my advice is not what you want to hear - I understand, believe me.

D

Impurrfect

Okay, you ask what then? What happens if she DOES go to rehab, gets out, goes back to drinking and you said that would be it...what will you do then?

FWIW, I'm also a recovering addict and codie. My family did the same as ((Laurie's)) - let me feel the consequences, dig myself into a really deep hole, and figure a way back out of it. I credit my 4+ years of recovery, in great part, to that and SR.

I have no idea about the eval. I do know, that when I got a DUI many, many years ago, I fudged a bit on my answers, downplayed my drinking and just had to take a DUI course, had my license suspended for 4 months, and was on probation until I paid off the fine. I hurt only myself. I went through the alcohol phase, quit; went to opiates, quit; then discovered crack and it took me down hard.

I, personally, don't know of any treatment centers other than the one I went to IOP at in Macon, GA.

If you feel she needs rehab, go for it. If nothing else, it will plant the seeds of recovery in her mind. Recovery isn't a cure...pretty easy to stay off any substances when you're in a protected environment. It's when they get OUT, that it's hard. Quitting stuff was never my problem....my problem was learning to live life without going back to it.

Another thing with rehabs, is there are often "rehab romances", where they meet someone SOOOO terrific, they make plans to have this wonderful life in recovery, and I've yet to hear of any that didn't turn out where one, if not both, go back to drinking/using.

I truly wish the best for both of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

laurie6781

When I was about 3 years sober my mom and I sat down and had a very intense discussion about what they had done. I wanted to hear her side of this whole mess. She was finally starting to 'trust' me again.

I was, after all 33 1/2 years old when she finally said enough. She told me that they had tried EVERYTHING with no results and if they did not cut all ties with me, as it really was MY PROBLEM she and dad both knew that they were going to end up in padded cells in a psych ward. She also said she had lost count of the number of pillows she had soaked so bad with her tears that she threw them out.

I, in turn, thanked her from the bottom of my heart. To this day, I believe this was the BEST THING that my parents ever did for me!

As to her being a 'functioning alcoholic' well that won't last long ..........................alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse never better until the individual totally gives it up.

Please just keep posting and let us know how you are doing because if you go ahead with your plan you are in for one he!! of a roller coaster ride.

Love and hugs,

Justfor1

I'm not sure that a "high functioning" alcoholic even exists. If she was TWICE over the legal limit there is a problem. Either the DUI evaluator is really inexperienced or your daughter was really good at lying about her drinking habits. A second DUI with a .16 BAC should of been a red flag for the evaluator.

skippernlilg

I've never really been a big fan of anyone else telling the Alcoholic they have a problem and then 'sending' them to rehab, whether it's a court or a family. The addict/alcoholic blocks their first step for much longer, it seems when it happens that way. What you can do is call the police when you know she's had a drink and gets behind the wheel of a car. That removes the drunk driver from the street, keeps innocents from getting hurt/killed, and lets the alcoholic feel the full consequences of their problem. I've never even thought 'interventions' were very helpful for anything but letting the alcoholic/addict know they are cared about.

I have a lifetime friend who had THREE DUIs. She finally hit her Three Strikes You're Out limit and was sentenced to four years hard prison time. She has served two, and out to serve the rest on probation. THE DAY she was released from prison, she went to a liquor store. She was then hospitalized for distended organs because her alcoholism was eating her alive. The day she was released from the hospital, she picked up a bottle of vodka on her way home. You would've thought any one of these things was her bottom.

She says today, over one year in AA and doing quite well, she can't really identify what her bottom was. But she found it, and she's been successful in her program and in rebuilding her life, One Day at a Time.

I'm telling you this story because you remind me of her mother.

skippernlilg

Have you looked into Al-Anon meetings for yourself? Mine is great and actually has more parents of adult alcoholics than the 'couples' kind of thing I go for. It's helped me learn my boundaries and to make boundaries.

I encourage you to check that out.