lillamy

After X years of marriage to an abusive A, you finally leave, divorce, leave him behind you mentally and emotionally, and you move on.

You meet a sane, normal man and begin a relationship. He patiently points out to you that it's OK for you to have opinions on what you'd like for dinner or where you'd like to go on a vacation trip. He patiently lets you figure out that you don't have to walk on eggshells around him.

And then you wake up one morning and realize that because he was grumpy at the breakfast table, your entire day is ruined. Because clearly, it couldn't be that the weather's bad or his boss is being a jerk or his back hurts or he would have liked to sleep for another hour -- clearly, it's your fault...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but I know I'll keep working on my recovery...

GettingBy

This is going to be one that will haunt me for a long time... I have been so programmed that having an opinion on ANYTHING is BAD. That it makes me controlling, and dominating... and oppressive and no fun. That being intelligent and ambitious is wrong and crushes a man's ego and self-worth.

I am *almost* convinced (based on AH's rants) that I am unsuitable for ANYONE to love because I'm so damn head strong and opinionated.

The reality is that I *know* I'm completely loveable, and that having opinions and my own thoughts is not a bad thing... but in the relationship I'm in now, those traits have gotten completely out of whack due to our power struggle. I've gone to my extreme of "rightness" and so has he.



Anyways... thanks for letting me share!

Eddiebuckle

In a way, for me it was bumping into those less than comfortable observations that offered the greatest opportunities for growth. It's incovenient to see that I had a role in these things - not in causing them, but in how I responded to them. I didn't like coming to the conclusion that I was choosing to see things from a viewpoint that ruined my day. I especially didn't appreciate seeing that maybe I was occassionally coming from a self-centered place, that my mates moods are independent of mine and often have nothing to do with me or us.

I can't say I do it frequently, but every once in awhile I catch myself and choose to have a good day despite whatever else is happening around me.

Shellcrusher

I'm praying for awareness.

Sounds like you already got it. Good on you. I better get back to the salt mines.

stella27

still hoping to meet a nice, sane, normal man. Becoming aware that when I do, I will certainly analyze him to death.

lillamy

Always.
That's why I reach for my revolver when I hear the word "Learning Experience" -- because it usually means "miserable pissmire of an experience that you'd much rather avoid when you're in the middle of it but that proves oh so useful afterwards, when you've finally managed to scrape the mud and the dirt off and licked your wounds."

LaPinturaBella

I think his ego and self-worth were crushed loooooooong before you ever met him. You're just a convenient scapegoat because then he doesn't have to a) look at himself and b) DO anything to fix himself.

But, you already knew this. :-D

sandrawg

Oh man. I know what you mean. I have just started KIND OF seeing this other guy...we are taking it very very slow. We got to know each other for over a month before even kissing.

It's great, because he's mature, he doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs..

But yeah I have to check myself a lot already. He lives a little far away. We had made plans to get together, but he bailed on me, and although I did not show this to him (which is maybe a sign of my progress), I took it TOTALLY personally, and had a little crying jag and a brief period of throwing things at my pillow lol

Then I found out, he was playing hockey and a guy on the other team basically tried to kill him with the puck...had nothing to do with me...

Yeah, it's just a sign of more work I have to do!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Stella - Love the analyze him to death part!!:rotfxko

But seriously, I wonder about future relationships too. I do not want the baggage from living with an A to poison any future relationships. I hope, by the time that happens, that I am healthy enough that my picker will not be off and I can have a satisfying relationship. Although men say that us women can be confusing but I am thinking they are pretty confusing themselves. What exactly are they looking for in a relationship. Maybe the men on the board can help us with cracking the code of MEN.

wanttobehealthy

I'm so far from even thinking about future r/s which probably is a good thing for me since I am nearly certain that if I jumped into something new once we are divorced, it would probably be a wash, rinse, repeat of my past relationships.

Put me in a room of 100 healthy men and 1 with issues, aloof, bad boy, troubled etc... and I will find him like a magnet! It's quite a talent! I imagine many of us share that talent

LaPinturaBella

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

Buffalo66

The fact that you are writing this here is testament to your recovery, lilamy

A more unrecovered woman would still be stuck, but you see this, and that is the first step in this little rippling wave that is aftermath of an abusive and oppressive relationship.

Carry on!

eaglette

I don't really feel like getting into it right now, just glad to hear I am not the only one who is in this boat!

Linkmeister

That's how I got involved with myEXABF. For now, the only man sharing my bed has 4 legs, hogs the bed, demands lots of attention, and dinner in his bowl at 5pm.

wholeheartedly. Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt (and scars) to prove it.

lillamy

The only way I could possibly be involved is with a person like the one I'm involved with: We've got 30 years of friendship under our belt and there's nothing we don't know about each other. Including the sh*tty marriages we've both survived.

SheCanRun

Oh wow, needed this thread tonight. Especially after what I considered a beautiful, connected embrace with new BF ended in ugly words. Me horrified, hand over my mouth in shock (how does one jump from one to the other in 2.5 seconds?) door slam, stomping out.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
Put me in a room of 100 healthy men and 1 with issues, aloof, bad boy, troubled etc... and I will find him like a magnet! It's quite a talent! I imagine many of us share that talent

How on earth did I choose an other just like STBEXAH minus the drinking but worse attitude and controlling behavior? Gotta get out now while I still can see the forest for the trees. Back to the drawing board.

Alone22

All I can say is good for you to those of you who actually want to try out another relationship. If my marriage continues to crumble and I am ever single I can't even imagine wanting to date someone. If if I did, my luck I would pick the bad boy in the room too.

CatsPajamas

Not so much anymore...

but BOY there was a time when my GPS went off in a room like that and often so did his - in a group of 100 or 500 - we'd find each other in about 60 seconds. We instantly bonded, as though we'd known one another for a long time, like old friends. HA! It happened in my work, at conventions, social settings.

Put me in a job interview with one of them and *poof* I would get that job in a heartbeat. I was perfectly qualified and knew just how to handle the bad boy, impulsive and typically "A" boss.

Give me that guy as a client - the difficult one? And I'd go out of my way to make him happy and prove that I was the best person to handle that account because I had that special connection and could take the abuse.

It's no surprise that those encounters and relationships usually turned out to be less than healthy.

One of the most important and powerful lessons I learned in my recovery was just because something or someone feels comfortable and familiar to me does NOT mean it is healthy, beneficial or good for me.

Lately I've noticed that tingle a time or 2. You know the one... instead of thinking of it as being inexplicable drawn to someone, I consider it an early warning signal. Recently it happened with a potential business partner. It turns out the guy was less than honest in his business dealings and could have posed a big problem if we'd done business together.

My gut recognizes that kind of person, and I'm learning to listen to my gut when it tells me something is wrong.

tinabanina

Seriously!

Stalkers, recovering addicts, men with major emotional and psychological issues, emotionally unavailable men... I've been involved in so many dysfunctional relationships. Almost beginning to believe I seek them out... unknowingly, I probably do. Always been a sucker for a bad boy or underdog.