JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Just thought I start a thread for those of us going through the difficult time of splitting from our A's. I know for me I am finding this to be the most challenging thing I have ever gone through emotionally. One minute I feel strong and on top of the world and the next I am .

My sister is divorced and a few of her friends. We were at a jewelry party and talking about divorce. They say it takes a good year or more to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and even still it can hurt at times. Somedays I do not know if I have it in me but I have no choice but to go through the emotions. I cry when I need to cry but feel like lately I am just going through the motiions. I want to start living again. Anyone else get like this and what are you doing to help yourself cope?

XXXXXXXXXX

This morning I woke up, took dd to school and then sat on the couch and felt sorry for myself. I am trying to hang in there, see friends, and stay busy. It would help if I had a job right now.

I am holding it together for the most part. I have moved back to my hometown though, so any time I go anywhere I run the risk of someone asking what happened. He is also from here. I am trying to keep my head up and not fall apart.

For me it's about not letting myself get caught up in the what if s.

And reading here helps. Focusing on me and my daughter. Seeing true blue friends, basically keeping busy.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

XXXXXX - Thanks! How long have you been apart from your A? I am trying to do the keep buzy thing and go out with friends alot but some how my mind drifts back to the situation. I think my trigger right now might be that my youngest is graduating school and our anniversary (23 yrs) is coming up.

Tuffgirl

Yes! And thank you for this - am recovering from a bad night of confrontation and then acceptance that I really don't want to be married to this guy anymore.

I took the day off. My head feels like its going to split open anyway...but taking the day off acknowledges I can't maintain the facade for the office today. And I need to get the rest of my things from the house anyway. So today, I am putting myself first and taking care of me.

I've been divorced before. Under different circumstances, but it did take a good solid year to feel like my reality had settled into something manageable. Now it is a distant memory and my ex and I actually get along pretty well. But that first year was tough. The disappointment was crushing. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough to deserve to be treated better. Like I was unlovable. All the things I have tried to talk my daughter out of feeling after this recent break up of hers, and yet I have felt them before and underneath the tuffgirl facade feel them now.

Intellectually I know its a normal part of the grieving process, but my heart hurts. I am working on just going through the motions right now. Just keeping everything together as best I can even though I have lost all enthusiasm for living right now. I do know this too shall pass. But it feels horrible and some days I just want to crawl into bed and never leave again.

Up...and down...and up....and down...no wonder I am tired all the time.

It's easy for me to write this, but far harder to put it into practice. All I can say is time does heal. Hang in there.

Nena

Thanks so much for this because I've been going through what you are describing for the past 10 months It does get easier but like you I have my good days and my bad. I got divorced from my A in Augsut 2010 who is now living with a married couple and their children. .we live in the same town which is very small so I run into them quite often. I struggle with feeling like my ex the A is doing better now living in this dysfunctional relationship then when we were married because my ex seems to be so much more together now with no limits. .I know that my ex struggled with the limits that I set and because I refused to pay all the bills. I put my faith in my higher power and continue to be strict on my no contact policy. I also attend my weekly 12 step program (Emotions Anonymous) which is an amazing support. .For me the only way to even begin to heal was to cut my ex off completely. It's not easy and at times I struggle with it but in the end I know that it will only end up bad for me if I have contact. I don't truely know how my ex is doing and a lot of times I allow my thoughts to get the best of me. All I know is it's a process and I couldn't heal until I started taking care of me and that meant cutting my ex off to start healing.

XXXXXXXXXX

It has only been a couple of weeks. The distance helps. Last weekend I visited him, which in some ways helped but in some ways was a step backward. I know how you feel about a wondering mind. A friend of mine wants to try on and possibly buy my wedding gown. I was ok when I agreed to this but now I can't imagine letting it go or seeing someone else in it.

Know that you aren't alone.

GettingBy

Hey there JRG!!

You know I'm right there with you!!! It's so freakin' hard.. that emotional rollercoaster can be HELL. The thing that I have become overly aware of is how important it is to surround myself with people who support me and lift my spirit up. When I'm around "toxic" personalities (ie. AH, MIL, FIL, etc)... I'm quickly sucked into the blame/shame game, and off the concrete pad of truth. When I get in those situations, I am being manipulated for their own personal intents... and it's confusing, and gives me unnecessary aggravation.

So, I honor myself by only spending my PRECIOUS time with people who honor and respect me back. Time with me is a privilege, not a right. When I'm in a funk, I've been reaching out to all sorts of good and healthy friends. People who exemplify the spirit/attitude I want to have and how I want to live... and when I do that...

The truth shines through. I am calm and at peace with my decision to divorce and move on. I know that this IS the best decision for me, and the kids... and for my AH, even if he can't see that just yet.

TakingCharge999

TakingCharge999

Jackrussel, I don't have references right now, but I know there is a theory about how the pressure to be happy makes us miserable.... life develops organically, there can't be joy without pain, there can't be fulfillment without emptiness (guess who has read Zen books lately!)

On Pain
Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

TakingCharge999

(BTW I don't get the last part

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

What tears?? what Potter?? is God the Potter?? why would he have any tears??)

jamaicamecrazy

I sometimes feel I am doing so well and then all of a sudden I hit a brick wall. Usually I know I need to feel the pain, ride it out, go to meetings, do some readings, be around some positive people and know that the feeling will not last and better days are coming.
I have been separated from my AH for a little over a year. It has been a rollercoaster for sure. I moved out and it was a new experience living alone. not being anyone's wife or mother after so many years. I thought the feelings were from being away from my home. Then I moved back to my house and there are so many memories and taking care of everything can sometimes overwhelm me.
I also know I am not in the healthiest of places right now. I am holding on to hope and cannot move forward. I can't sleep on his side of the bed or use his drawers or closet. So in a way it feels like I am just waiting for him to come back.

I am trying to be patient with myself and realize that I am right where I am supposed to be.
I keep going through the motions of my life and then have some amazing surprises along the way.
The bad days come but I know I can handle it.

Sylvie66

There's a line from a movie I just saw, with two friends talking:
"Darling, if I was the boyfriend, and you were the wife, neither one of us has existed for quite some time."

So it's Friday night, .... I'm doing my laundry. I'm not making dinner for three, staying quiet, taking care of the chickens, waking up ABF to get to the gig on time, or planning my big house project. I'm just. doing. the. laundry.

I'm kind of forcing myself to sit still and be okay with the weirdness of this. Maybe I'll go all crazy and wash my hair....!

Sigh. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

- Sylvie

duqld1717

Sometimes when I'm alone and I start thinking, I get this sudden rush of anger that comes over me. Why am I the one that is sad and has to go see a therapist and go to al anon and do all the work and he gets to skip around and laugh and drink and party with his new gf!!!!??? Doesn't seem fair does it. I go from being sad to angry to sad back to furious. I am praying that my work pays off and my HP lifts me out of this madness that I'm in right now. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life! Do the sick to the stomach feelings ever go away???

MayaandMe

For a long time (almost 2 years) after the split, I was fantasizing that my exabf was happy and I was making myself miserable about it.
I would be angry thinking he was enjoying himself after losing our daughter and myself from his life.
Just recently I went to visit. He is EXACTLY the same. I am not sure if he is happy. If he is, I don't want that sick form of happiness in my life. Too much quacking, too many problems. Quiet, calm and peaceful sounds just about right to me.
The more I focus on myself, the easier it seems to be to make good decisions and move in the right direction.

FindingPeace1

On Pain
Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within (your own wisdom) you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician (yourself), and drink his remedy (your own sadness) in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand (the feelings of sadness), though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen (I take this to be the Universe, which is taking care of you, if you let it - your HP - whatever that is),And the cup (your sadness) he (your wise self) brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears. (your sadness that comes from your wisdom, is actually God's/your HP/the Universe's gift, and while your HP has made this situation this way, your HP hurts with you, believing you will heal.)
...at least that's the way I read it.

I have gone NC and put all the reminders of my AH away. I do much better when I move on and don't look backward so much (in misery).

zrx1200R

Easier said than done, and I have no experience on implementation. But I suggest a "Eff em and drive on" approach.

They cause so much heartache with us. It is in our nature to be nice and kind. And we genuinely feel bad for them. Since they were a part of our life, we want the closure to know they are going to be OK. So we keep in touch. We then start questioning if we're doing the right thing. Maybe, just maybe this was the time it was all going to come together for the alcoholic and we could live in wedded bliss. Nope. Not going to happen.

I am reminded of the tumor I had removed from my neck in Feb. I'd had this apple sized thing on the back of my neck for 11-12 years. Didn't really hurt. I was able to do the things I want to do. It caused me no mobility or physical issues. In other words, I'd learned to live with this tumor. However, I knew it needed to go. Finally I'd had enough. I made the call. I talked to the professionals. Put a date on the calendar. And I had the tumor removed.

And I don't care to know what they did with the darn thing. It is out of my life, and I try not to think about it. Sure, I have a scar. I'll never forget this lump I had to carry around. I'm not better for it. Not really worse. It was just a part of my life. Now it's gone. Next chapter. Eff it. Drive on.

Sound familiar?

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Sounds so familiar. Just noticed the word Familiar has the word LIAR at the end. Ok I cracking up a little bit! The lying part is really bothering me and he still acts like he is telling the truth and I am the crazy one! OH give me a friggin break, I'd have more respect for you if you manned up and just told the truth.

I know I will get through this and hopefully look back and learn my lessons but for right NOW it is so HARD but I will keep plugging away and try to FOCUS on ME!

PS If you don't have trust in a relationship, what is the point and what do you really have? There have to be people out there that believe that TRUST and HONESTY are the foundation of a relationship.

Ok I am done venting (for now)!

Thanks for helping me through this sucking time of my life. You are ALL a lifesaver to me!

Mightyqueen801

When I finally threw my (drunk-ass, cocaine-snorting, employment-avoiding, gambling) husband out in 1999, I went through all those awful emotional moments, too. A friend of mine who had been through it told me to hang on--she said, "You will get to that light at the end of the tunnel, and when you do, the light never goes out."

You are mourning your marriage. You are also sad about missing something you never really had. The truth is that there is no way to go over, under, or around this period in your life, you just have to go THROUGH it. But through it you will go, and you will come out the other side a stronger person than you ever were before.

As to what helps you cope--for me it was writing. Journal, or type up whatever you are feeling and just get it OUT. It's very cathartic. You can say whatever the hell you want on paper, and no one else has to read it (unless of course you want someone to). I used to actually sit down and write things like, "Dear God, I do not understand why you don't just KILL him for me..."

I wish you the best.

Mightyqueen801

Some great advice on these posts from The Experienced Ones!

I'm glad I read this. Next week I have to sit in a car for two hours with my EXAH and go to pick up our daughter from college, and I've been dreading the trip, basically because I still just can't stand him. After reading the OP and remembering what those early days were like, I feel better. I got through THAT--I can deal with a two-hour ride with the mofo.

*****
TakingCharge999 - Thank you for this:

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. - Khalil Gibran

I needed that one (for reasons separate from the discussion).

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

MightyQueen- You just made me LMAO!!!!

:rotfxko:rotfxko

THANKS for that, because I REALLY needed it!! Please come post on my threads and make me laugh!! I love posters like you! You give the laughter part of recovery and I definitely have not been doing enough of that lately!!