Falling Out of Love during Recovery w/ Non
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lake Worth, FL 33467
Posts: 4
Falling Out of Love during Recovery w/ Non
Hello,
I am new here and this is my first post.
I am 4 months shy of one year sober and am ready to completely detach from my husband. I don't love him in an intimate way and want to move on with my life without him. A family councilor said that i don't feel intimate toward him because we have moved into brother/sister mode, since all of my "stuffed" stuff has come up. Frankly, I just don't seem to be attracted to him in the least now. And, yes, I love him like a brother or platonic friend.
I thought it was only me who felt this way, but recently I was told by a guy in a sober chat room that he too was very much not in love with his partner of 7 years. He was in love with her when he was drunk but not now and can't understand why?
I'm posting this question in hopes that many others out there can give me some insight.
I have two boys a 4 and a 5 year old. For their sake, my husband and I are starting marriage counseling, hopefully within a couple of weeks. He has finally, also agreed to go to an alanon meeting with me and since i asked him for a divorce/separation, he is trying to become more involved in my life, sober. He has been resistant to counseling and avoiding my issues with alcoholism, denied I was an alkie, and until now has encouraged me to drink with him (1 or 2 a night or every couple/three days), but I have managed to isolate myself and stay sober.
He is not an alcoholic, but some friends think he is codependent and an enabler. I'm still not clear on that, but i'm sure counseling will clarify it.
I just want to know if there is a common thread where people fall out of love with their NON-Alcoholic spouses and WHY? And what I can expect from here on out. There has to be a basic trend, don't u think?
Thank you. I am grateful for any direct feedback you can offer.
All my best to you.~Jane
I am new here and this is my first post.
I am 4 months shy of one year sober and am ready to completely detach from my husband. I don't love him in an intimate way and want to move on with my life without him. A family councilor said that i don't feel intimate toward him because we have moved into brother/sister mode, since all of my "stuffed" stuff has come up. Frankly, I just don't seem to be attracted to him in the least now. And, yes, I love him like a brother or platonic friend.
I thought it was only me who felt this way, but recently I was told by a guy in a sober chat room that he too was very much not in love with his partner of 7 years. He was in love with her when he was drunk but not now and can't understand why?
I'm posting this question in hopes that many others out there can give me some insight.
I have two boys a 4 and a 5 year old. For their sake, my husband and I are starting marriage counseling, hopefully within a couple of weeks. He has finally, also agreed to go to an alanon meeting with me and since i asked him for a divorce/separation, he is trying to become more involved in my life, sober. He has been resistant to counseling and avoiding my issues with alcoholism, denied I was an alkie, and until now has encouraged me to drink with him (1 or 2 a night or every couple/three days), but I have managed to isolate myself and stay sober.
He is not an alcoholic, but some friends think he is codependent and an enabler. I'm still not clear on that, but i'm sure counseling will clarify it.
I just want to know if there is a common thread where people fall out of love with their NON-Alcoholic spouses and WHY? And what I can expect from here on out. There has to be a basic trend, don't u think?
Thank you. I am grateful for any direct feedback you can offer.
All my best to you.~Jane
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lake Worth, FL 33467
Posts: 4
Thank you ngaire for your reply. I do understand that we are not to make any major changes in the first year of sobriety. We are going to counceling, not getting a divorce. Have you experienced a smilar situation? Thank you for your time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jane
I agree, go to counselling and give it some time. HOWEVER, if his drinking threatens your sobriety you might want to move your decision forward a bit, or put yourself somewhere else while you think it over.
Your sobreity means more than anything and your life may depend on what you do to maintain it.
Sending hugs and prayers
Ann
I agree, go to counselling and give it some time. HOWEVER, if his drinking threatens your sobriety you might want to move your decision forward a bit, or put yourself somewhere else while you think it over.
Your sobreity means more than anything and your life may depend on what you do to maintain it.
Sending hugs and prayers
Ann
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Jane,
I'd love to tell you that marrages made in sickness will always survive recovery but that just isn't so.....
I only know that when I started the Al-Anon program I realized that in order for me to stay in the marrage I had to learn more about me, boundries, and just what I was able,& willing to do to stay in the marrage...then I had to find out what he wanted out of it....
I had detached to the point that I really didn't know myself or him any longer....
Today, I am in the marrage one day at a time....I do a graditude list when I don't know if I'll stay tomorrow...As long as the good parts out weight the things I don't like. I'll stay; praying for knowledge of what my HP wants me to do.
I was told long time ago that marrage is a commitment that keeps two people together til they can be friends....The older I get it seems that is true..
You have time on your side....It took a while for you to get to where you are today....it will probably take a while for you to move forward....by all means try to get him to an Al-Anon meeting but just as the A's can't be forced I don't believe "Codies" can either...Hopefully between counsiling and you continuing to work your program your husband will want to join you....
Love and prayers coming your way.
I'd love to tell you that marrages made in sickness will always survive recovery but that just isn't so.....
I only know that when I started the Al-Anon program I realized that in order for me to stay in the marrage I had to learn more about me, boundries, and just what I was able,& willing to do to stay in the marrage...then I had to find out what he wanted out of it....
I had detached to the point that I really didn't know myself or him any longer....
Today, I am in the marrage one day at a time....I do a graditude list when I don't know if I'll stay tomorrow...As long as the good parts out weight the things I don't like. I'll stay; praying for knowledge of what my HP wants me to do.
I was told long time ago that marrage is a commitment that keeps two people together til they can be friends....The older I get it seems that is true..
You have time on your side....It took a while for you to get to where you are today....it will probably take a while for you to move forward....by all means try to get him to an Al-Anon meeting but just as the A's can't be forced I don't believe "Codies" can either...Hopefully between counsiling and you continuing to work your program your husband will want to join you....
Love and prayers coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
If he is
encouraging you to drink with him, he doesn't understand your problem. Only you can figure out why you "aren't in love with him anymore." That is a pretty deep question and it only gets answered within your heart.
I think you owe it to yourself to figure out where this relationship went wrong before you call it quits. I don't think anyone can move onto another life until they figure out what didn't work in the previous one.
Peace,
Gabe
I think you owe it to yourself to figure out where this relationship went wrong before you call it quits. I don't think anyone can move onto another life until they figure out what didn't work in the previous one.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi Jane,
On second thought if he's encouraging you to drink with him maybe it would be best to think about making your sobriety your first priority and making a decision on that. Maybe it's best to make a decision now at least temporarily.
Ngaire
On second thought if he's encouraging you to drink with him maybe it would be best to think about making your sobriety your first priority and making a decision on that. Maybe it's best to make a decision now at least temporarily.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Right away, I spot a serious issue....and that's his untreated Al-Anonism, if you will. I'd be spitting mad if I was near 1 year of sobriety and my loving partner was encouraging me to drink.
I sponsor lots of new Al-Anons.....and I always forget how I was when I first arrived. They remind me.
Here's the best thing I heard to help me with tough relationships:
Treat him like a newcomer.
That will change your actions and attitudes until you can sort it all out.
My experience is that my idea of a healthy relationship changed a lot after I got into recovery. My ideas about what love is changed a lot. My ex. wasn't an *A*......but he liked my over-responsibility problem. He wasn't nearly so fond of my recovery. :p
Nevertheless, I'm happier now. I felt completely hurt that I wasn't "loved" in the sense that someone would be happy for me that I was finally learning I was OK, no need for that horrible self-doubt stuff. When I got it that he preferred me to be insecure......
freaked me out.
*happily single now*
Good luck!
I sponsor lots of new Al-Anons.....and I always forget how I was when I first arrived. They remind me.
Here's the best thing I heard to help me with tough relationships:
Treat him like a newcomer.
That will change your actions and attitudes until you can sort it all out.
My experience is that my idea of a healthy relationship changed a lot after I got into recovery. My ideas about what love is changed a lot. My ex. wasn't an *A*......but he liked my over-responsibility problem. He wasn't nearly so fond of my recovery. :p
Nevertheless, I'm happier now. I felt completely hurt that I wasn't "loved" in the sense that someone would be happy for me that I was finally learning I was OK, no need for that horrible self-doubt stuff. When I got it that he preferred me to be insecure......
freaked me out.
*happily single now*
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lake Worth, FL 33467
Posts: 4
Thank you 12Step.
A couple of people that I have befriended believe that the reason he liked me better when i was drinking was because I was easier to control and manipulate. He came to a meeting and was told this, the night before last, so he has actually heard it for himself. How he will use this information is questionable. He has not wavered from telling me that he loves me now, has always and will always love me and constantly asks what it is that will make me happy. He tries very hard to do what it is that he thinks that i want. It however seems unnatural and like he is checking it off of a list as he promptly brings it to my attention. (i.e. I took a shower today, look, I shaved etc.) I told him that it took several years for us to grow apart, it's not going to fix overnight and that all these things he needs to do for himself, not for me and that it feels unnatural when constantly brought to my attention.
Clearly, he is making an effort. It has been 3 years, since I came to the discovery that I wasn't in true love with him and only until I quit drinking in February have I had the clarity and courage to try to understand what's happening.
What I'm dealing with are intimacy issues. I just don't want anything to do with him, intimately, and I was wondering if this is a normal part of recovery, a phase that people go through that I just have to ride out. It seems i loved him in that way when i was drinking but not now that i'm sober.
Thank you all for your supportive feedback. ~Jane
A couple of people that I have befriended believe that the reason he liked me better when i was drinking was because I was easier to control and manipulate. He came to a meeting and was told this, the night before last, so he has actually heard it for himself. How he will use this information is questionable. He has not wavered from telling me that he loves me now, has always and will always love me and constantly asks what it is that will make me happy. He tries very hard to do what it is that he thinks that i want. It however seems unnatural and like he is checking it off of a list as he promptly brings it to my attention. (i.e. I took a shower today, look, I shaved etc.) I told him that it took several years for us to grow apart, it's not going to fix overnight and that all these things he needs to do for himself, not for me and that it feels unnatural when constantly brought to my attention.
Clearly, he is making an effort. It has been 3 years, since I came to the discovery that I wasn't in true love with him and only until I quit drinking in February have I had the clarity and courage to try to understand what's happening.
What I'm dealing with are intimacy issues. I just don't want anything to do with him, intimately, and I was wondering if this is a normal part of recovery, a phase that people go through that I just have to ride out. It seems i loved him in that way when i was drinking but not now that i'm sober.
Thank you all for your supportive feedback. ~Jane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
This is an interesting topic. I know I love my husband but in love with him? I don't think so. I think the in love stage is very temporary and is more a function of reproductive urges than anything else. Today I love my husband, sometimes. Is it even possible to maintain that intense in love feeling? I just went to see a new movie over the weekend: Love Actually. I enjoyed it very much. It explores many different types of love and different love situations. It was funny and light but meaningful I thought.
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