seekingcalm

My rabf and I have been seeing each other again now for about 3 months. We usually see one another on the weekend, and have a wonderful time.

The other day, he asked if I would leave a key for him in case he arrived before I got home...I got the pit in my stomach...not ready to go there.
We talked about it, he is working a strong program of recovery, being sober for about 14 months, and I have been as well recovering from codependency. I honesty said that I do not trust him enough to leave a key or give him one, although I love him very much and am proud of him and how he is doing. I asked if he expected me to trust him completely at this point, and he said no, but he doesn't want to be reminded that I don't.

I understand that, but it made me uncomfortable for some reason. I also, since I moved out of his home before he got sober, have made a really wonderful and full life on my own. He has not done so to the extent that I have, and has lots of free time on his hands, so I feel like he would be with me as much as I would allow, which I am not comfortable with either.

He is a good man, and he loves me and I love him and enjoy being with him, but we are definitely not in the same place with regard to the state of this relationship. Once again, I feel he wants more than I can give or want to give, and he is just accepting what I offer although he wants more.

Why does this bother me so much?

suki44883

Because he wants more than you can or want to give right now. You answered your own question. You have every right to say no and should feel no guilt about it whatsoever. You want to take things much slower than he does and you have managed to make a wonderful full life on your own. All your answers are in your own post, hon.

seekingcalm

Thank you, you are right, I do feel guilty, and I should not.

During Passover and Easter holidays this week, I have been invited with my daughter to friends and family, and wanted to, and chose to go just with her. I don't feel at this point that he should come with us. I am not there.

We are planning a vacation together, and I am looking forward to that, but I like my life alone and I have no plans to change that.

Sometimes I feel a lack of respect for him because he seems to be willing to drop everything for me, and I honestly do not want him to. I want him to value his life alone as much as I value mine, but I have no control over that, now do I? I know. Well, as you've said here before, I can only do what I feel right about, and that's it. More will be revealed...

MyBetterWorld

Ummmmmmmm I would feel exactly the same way. Keep your boundary girl!

Cyranoak

..and that's OK. It doesn't necessarily need to be deconstructed, and recovery is not a race. It simply is what it is.

He asked which is OK. You said no which is OK too. It's what happened next that is telling.

• Did he honor the no?
• Does he have the maturity in his recovery to accept the no without making it about him?
• Did he get an attitude about the no?
• Were you "punished" for the no?
• Does he keep bringing the no up?

These are the questions that reveal what you need to know about where he is in his recovery, and how you feel about this reveals things for you to know about your recovery.

What true recovery looks like is this:

Him: Can I have a key to your place so I can go in and wait for you when I get there before you?

You: No, I'm not ready for that yet.

Him: Cool, I'll see you later then (normal tone).

Then you both simply move on with your days. That's pretty much it.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. It has taken my wife and I a very long, long, long time to be able to have conversations similar to what I outlined above. And, occasionally, we need to "remind" each other that this is how we want to communicate going forward in our relationship. Progress not perfection, right?

Francismcan

I agree with Cyranoak.

stacylove

And I'm sure you still love him and you don't want to hurt him but you need to focus on what you want and not what he wants. It is sad how relationships change, but this is how we grow

brokenheartfool

Geezus. I think my aexh feels this way...opposite side of the coin.
He says he wants reconciliation, but he won't even commit to a night out. Just how do you fix a relationship if you won't see them? Friend says it is because he is still too emotionally unavailable.
Ok, venting...has nothing to do with you needing secure space, OP, which I totally get.

seekingcalm

Thank you for your replies.

It was ok at the moment, but the next morning, I got a "dig" about it, presented in a "good-natured" way, of course. And that bothered me.

I want to believe him, but somewhere in here, I feel like he is doing what he needs to and saying what he needs to in order to make me happy.

And no one else but you folks here would understand why I don't want that.

brokenheartfool

That would be bad in any relationship--saying things just to make you happy.

He has to find his own happiness without alcohol, and so far it has eluded him? I can get that...especially after so many years drinking.
Have you suggested he pick up an old hobby? Did he have any interests outside of alcohol and you?
Maybe a book on one of his interests? Ok...I'm being codie now...back to my corner....

Just flat out call him out on those digs, no matter how good natured they seem. "Well I did offer to get you a ticket and you refused". Remind him that he made that choice.

Babyblue

I think you are doing the right thing. Him asking for the key is kind of presumptive on his part. If he were not in recovery, if a guy asked me this and we were still going at a slower pace, I'd be uncomfortable as well.

I dunno, I just think it is a huge boundary to jump over to ask someone for a house key. I thought the more appropriate thing in a relationship is to wait until the person offers a key to their place. But to ask for it? Hmm....

You are uncomfortalbe for reason. He kind of jumped the gun on the asking part IMHO.

seekingcalm

He wants more than I do at this point, and I guess the more I think about it, the more I feel that he is just waiting me out...waiting for me to be comfortable, or want to live together again...sometimes he says things about the future, together, and I am not comfortable.

I really love him, but I really really love living alone, and having my space, and not feeling crowded or pushed or pulled or any of it. Why is that so hard? Is it terrible that I'd like him to leave, to have someplace to go? Rather than leave because I have someplace to go?

wicked

This is the hard part.
His expectations are outrunning your emotions, and your emotions are what count the most.
Please do what is best for you.

Beth

Babyblue

Have you explained it to him? The way you put it here is excellent in terms of expressing where you are right now. It is hard because you want something different at this point and you are meeting some resistence on his part.

Sounds like he is scared of losing you but if he keeps pressing, that just may happen. Maybe explain to him why going slow is best for the both of you, him in terms of his recovery, and you in terms of building trust again.

Maybe there is a middle ground here?

seekingcalm

Very well put, Wicked and Babyblue...his expectations are outrunning my emotions, exactly.

We have talked, mostly before and just as we were starting to see each other. He says he is of the same mind, but his actions tell another story.

This is hard, especially since we did live together once, he is not enjoying living alone the way I am, and it comes through loud and clear. But I know what I want, and what I don't want, and my recovery has me in a place that I have never been before. I am no longer willing to do something I'd rather not just to keep him. If it works for us, wonderful, if not, I will be ok.

I have to learn not to worry about whether or not I am disappointing him. He is a big boy.

Thank you so much, I love this forum