? to those with recovering A's
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
? to those with recovering A's
Is he or isn't he? That is my questions I have before me now.
So a little back history, I've been with my AH for nearly 13 years. 3 kids. He got his 4th DUI back in May 2010, quit drinking, only did his court appointed counseling which he seemed to really embrace. Has tries quitting pretty much on his own. I told him right off the bat I could not and would not be a support to him for his recovery.
We have not had a close relationship in years, more or less I learned to detach. Since his sobriety have we ever had a serious and meaningful conversation involving feelings and etc... Now I will say I have not initiated the conversation either.
He drank 3 weeks ago and I did not see any restraint as holding back (now he would of had a year in on May 7th this year)
did not drink for 2 weeks
Drank this past friday night like 8 beers in 2 1/2 hours and then the following saturday drank.
Is it all starting over, do I get out now, should I talk to him, or just let him go his own way?
Thanks All!
So a little back history, I've been with my AH for nearly 13 years. 3 kids. He got his 4th DUI back in May 2010, quit drinking, only did his court appointed counseling which he seemed to really embrace. Has tries quitting pretty much on his own. I told him right off the bat I could not and would not be a support to him for his recovery.
We have not had a close relationship in years, more or less I learned to detach. Since his sobriety have we ever had a serious and meaningful conversation involving feelings and etc... Now I will say I have not initiated the conversation either.
He drank 3 weeks ago and I did not see any restraint as holding back (now he would of had a year in on May 7th this year)
did not drink for 2 weeks
Drank this past friday night like 8 beers in 2 1/2 hours and then the following saturday drank.
Is it all starting over, do I get out now, should I talk to him, or just let him go his own way?
Thanks All!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I'm not a stellar ex in my own life of letting go and letting my AH go his own way...
That said, is he still going to counseling?
He never went to AA I take it? Have you been to al anon?
I know what you mean about not having had a close r/s in years and regardless of what your H does or mine for that matter, I guess the question is: "what do you want in your life and is AH it?"
Maybe they will recover, maybe not. I am not sure I want to wait around, being married but not really having a spouse, living life like I'm single and not be single. I don't know how long we "wait" or how many "chances" we give...
I'd say this- don't talk to him about the drinking bc it will just get twisted and he'll tell you you're wrong/bad and the cause and it'll be another reason for him to drink.
Decide (if you know) what you can and can't live with and tell him that and then follow through.
That's all I can think of for now... and I need to follow my own advice better a lot of the time!
That said, is he still going to counseling?
He never went to AA I take it? Have you been to al anon?
I know what you mean about not having had a close r/s in years and regardless of what your H does or mine for that matter, I guess the question is: "what do you want in your life and is AH it?"
Maybe they will recover, maybe not. I am not sure I want to wait around, being married but not really having a spouse, living life like I'm single and not be single. I don't know how long we "wait" or how many "chances" we give...
I'd say this- don't talk to him about the drinking bc it will just get twisted and he'll tell you you're wrong/bad and the cause and it'll be another reason for him to drink.
Decide (if you know) what you can and can't live with and tell him that and then follow through.
That's all I can think of for now... and I need to follow my own advice better a lot of the time!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Do a lot of reading and posting. We're here to support you.
To be honest, it doesn't sound to me like your husband has any intention of quitting drinking. After 4 DUIs, it should be obvious that he doesn't learn lessons easily. The thing about it is, you cannot change him and if he wants to drink, he's going to drink. You don't have to live with it though. You have the right to raise your children in a non-alcoholic home and they will be much better off for it.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will receive great face-to-face support from others who are dealing with the same issues.
Again, welcome to SR. Hope you'll stick around and absorb the wisdom you will find here.
To be honest, it doesn't sound to me like your husband has any intention of quitting drinking. After 4 DUIs, it should be obvious that he doesn't learn lessons easily. The thing about it is, you cannot change him and if he wants to drink, he's going to drink. You don't have to live with it though. You have the right to raise your children in a non-alcoholic home and they will be much better off for it.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You will receive great face-to-face support from others who are dealing with the same issues.
Again, welcome to SR. Hope you'll stick around and absorb the wisdom you will find here.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by married10 
Is it all starting over, do I get out now, should I talk to him, or just let him go his own way?
Thanks All!
Thanks All!
Yes, up to you, do some reading first, he's going to do what he wants to.
There's a lot of reading in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum, good place to start.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi and Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting here. SR has so much support and wisdom to share. The stickies at the top are really great.
Is it all starting over,
It sure seems like it.
do I get out now
That is only for you to decide. I would suggest reading here, attending al-anon, and there is a book called 'Co-Dependent No More' that I also found really helpful when I was making this decision.
should I talk to him
Would it get you anywhere? It never got me anywhere. It was way more productive to just work on figuring out what my own needs and boundaries were.
or just let him go his own way?
He'll go his own way no matter what you do. Save yourself the drama/trauma of trying to steer his train and focus on yourself.
I forgot I had my own train to steer and my life was going off the rails. Once I took my hands off his train and put them back on mine, things began to get better.
Is it all starting over,
It sure seems like it.
do I get out now
That is only for you to decide. I would suggest reading here, attending al-anon, and there is a book called 'Co-Dependent No More' that I also found really helpful when I was making this decision.
should I talk to him
Would it get you anywhere? It never got me anywhere. It was way more productive to just work on figuring out what my own needs and boundaries were.
or just let him go his own way?
He'll go his own way no matter what you do. Save yourself the drama/trauma of trying to steer his train and focus on yourself.
I forgot I had my own train to steer and my life was going off the rails. Once I took my hands off his train and put them back on mine, things began to get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
When you set boundaries do you tell them about them or at times the unspoken should be known. I almost divorced him, I had the papers, I had them signed and then backed out at the very last minute.
I would of thought he knew that if he ever drank again I would leave him * I never said it to him though.
Now I feel that he has made the choice just with these last couple of times he choose to drink.
Do I move on?
I would of thought he knew that if he ever drank again I would leave him * I never said it to him though.
Now I feel that he has made the choice just with these last couple of times he choose to drink.
Do I move on?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Instead of trying to decide whether or not to divorce him, why not just separate for a while and give yourself time to look at things with a clear head. You don't have to jump right into divorce. Taking some time and putting some distance between you and the chaos will allow your head to clear. It's almost impossible to make these decisions while in the midst of the madness.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It's impossible to make a decision you're comfortable with when you're stuck in the madness.
I agree with suki. Get some space for yourself, physically, and that will allow you to get some space for yourself, emotionally.
Then you can think from there, and decide what you are comfortable doing, and you can find the answer for yourself.
It doesn't even have to be a long time - a week is amazing when you're used to rushing from catastrophe to catastrophe.
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