Cyranoak

Just a quick note that female attorneys can suck too. While it is definitely worth learning more about these ladies, if you can get a referral from people you know who've been divorced I'd highly recommend it regardless of their gender.

That said, my attorney was a female. I felt like things would go better for me if I was represented by somebody the same gender as my wife.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

P.s. Your current attorney is a ****-face.

LexieCat

True. It isn't a gender thing, specifically, but the older men (those who grew up in the paleozoic era) tend more towards the patronizing and disrespectful attitudes toward women (their clients or the STBXs of their clients) in general.

But the overkill-at-all-cost (literal and figurative cost) attitude can afflict attorneys of either gender, as can sheer incompetence. Getting a female lawyer is no more of a guarantee of good representation than picking a lawyer because s/he is a spiffy dresser. Nor is it good to wind up with a lawyer who wants to be (or allows him/herself to be) your therapist. Real therapists are cheaper than lawyers.

My lawyer for my first (amicable) divorce was the former best friend of one of my friends. They had had a falling out, but my friend still thought she would do a good job for me, and she did. She told me all of rights we would both have if we let the court decide, and she was a hundred percent cooperative in putting together what my ex and I had agreed on. I thought she did great.

LexieCat

Incidentally, the other important thing is to have someone who knows how to draft an agreement that will hold up years down the line--especially when kids/child support are involved. You have to anticipate possible problems that could occur, and make sure there are provisions in there. There's always stuff you might not think of, like what happens if the kids are on Dad's insurance and then Dad loses his job. Who pays for the insurance then? See which parent gets the best deal, and split the cost evenly?

Good lawyers know the pitfalls that can come down the road, and make sure you are protected as much as possible, if something unexpected happens.

wicked

I have an A-dar!
Sometimes, like at the grocery store, I get that very slight odor.
Not the "I just had one on the way home" smell,
but the "alcohol is escaping my body from every pore" smell.
Other signs are there too.

Hah! I had to tell my outpatient group counselor that one of the group was drinking vodka from his water bottle.
He asked, "You sure?"
I said, "My fathers drink of choice, oh yeah, I am sure."
Vodka man was not back for the next session.

Beth

Ladybug0130

Just the fact that you had to write this tells you all you need to know. He makes you uncomfortable and you shouldn't have to put up with that. There are a lot of good lawyers out there who won't give you the creeps.

Jazzman

My first, (amicable) lawyer suggested we each maintain a 300k life insurance policy naming the other as beneficiary until the kids were over 18, just in case anything happened. I thought that was a great idea.

kudzujean

Also sounds like he might be kind of coming on to you.

Get rid of him!

Thumper

My ex does not believe in insurance but I did do this. I did not name him as beneficiary though. Good lord that would be a disaster. I named someone that I trust to handle the money. Social Security would also go directly to the kids, which their dad would get of course as long as he was raising them.

If he dies I'll get what I've always gotten - zip.

Jazzman

Yeah, my first had nothing to do with addiction, other than her addiction to credit cards! LOL!! Trying to depend on an exA that's active is ill advised.

GettingBy

That's a good point about the insurance! We have significant life insurance policies on each other now and I wasn't sure what to do about that. The policies were based on support for the kids (college, etc), marital support to get through the "grieving process" and the outrageous mortgage and taxes for our house... but if I have my way... that bill will be cut 1/3 and I'll be the sole party responsible It would be nice to have the money for the child support and education.

Good food for thought.

GettingBy

Slight update...

well firing scumbag lawyer is proving harder than I thought. This guy just doesn't like to take no for an answer!! I wrote him a professional letter seeking termination of our agreement. He kept pushing for more of an explanation so I gave him this...

I am terminating our contract because I don’t feel comfortable working with you. To be completely honest, I didn’t feel respected and I was uncomfortable with your repeated comments regarding previous client’s issues with you “coming on to her”, and your comments about how AH was going to react. Your actions seemed unprofessional to me and, with regards to AH, it seemed you were making issues where none existed. I have no doubts that you are a good litigator, but that is not how I want my divorce handle. I certainly have issues with AH, but I wanted to keep this divorce as amicable as possible. I got the impression that you would prefer to just litigate.

His response... was downright unprofessional. He went on to attack AH because he hasn't retained counsel yet and tomorrow he will be in default... and the attorney AH is talking to did our wills 7 years ago... so he says, "THAT'S more unprofessional than me. That's a blatant conflict of interest."

And well, maybe it is a conflict of interest... but his approach to informing me/working with me... well, it is downright sucky. I really hope things go well with my meeting with the new attorney this afternoon.

Jeep08

To preface this I am not a lawyer but I do work with divorce lawyers on a regular basis.

It is obvious that your last attorney and you did not have good communications or a good working relationship. He was not listening to you so good you are looking for a new one. You are paying the bill so you should get what you want. However, sometimes lawyers tell us things that we do not want to hear. It is also their job to advise us and we do not always like the advice they give us. That does not mean it was not good advise.

Collaborative family law is a great process and much less expensive then long court fight. That being said, is an A really going to be collaborative in this process? They must want to cooperate, share and be honest for collaborative law to work. They do not play that game well. You may find that if the collaborative process fails you still end up in court and then you do want a lawyer that is there to fight for you. It is safe to keep the option of court open when selecting a lawyer. If the other side drags their feet then often court is needed to move the process forward.

Just some observations I have made. Each situation is different.

StarCat

Why do you have to explain it at all?
You're the one paying him. It's not like you signed a contract with him, to stick by him until your divorce is finalized.

"This doesn't work for me."

That's all. You don't have to explain yourself if you don't want to. It is what it is, and he's not the lawyer for you.


Good luck with the new lawyer!
I hope your meeting goes great.


EDIT:
From reading some of her other posts, I do believe GettingBy is keeping that option open, yes. That's why she says "as amicable as possible," as well, because sometimes it isn't possible.

The problem is that this lawyer has been pushing since the divorce paperwork was filed, about how he'd take GettingBy's STBXAH for everything he was worth, and he'd never knew what hit him, and he was in for a big fight... he was instigating it before the STBXAH even did anything, and not listening to GettingBy when she said that she wanted the divorce to be as painless as possible, and that she didn't want to be the one to pick the fight.

Jeep08

I do not disagree the more amicable the better and often the cheaper. I work with lots of collaborative family lawyers. It is a much better way to the end result. I have just seen that process fail as well. Splitting things up does not always go well especially if one of the parties is not playing by the rules and trying to get to an amicable solution. Only GettingBy can make that call.

I agree she does not have to explain to the lawyer why she is firing him.

I hope your meeting with the new lawyer goes well and you find someone who will listen to what you really want.

GettingBy

Thanks for the comments/thoughts Jeep. I wanted to at least START amicably... if it got nasty, and negotiations failed, then we go the judicial intervention route. The problem with my former attorney was that he liked to START at Judicial Intervention - and rack up attorney fees in the process. He kept elluded to needing accountants to valuate AH.. and make sure we got all the alimony we could! I told him repeatedly, I'll save you the money... I run the books, all of them... I know more about his money than my AH does!! And I didn't WANT alimony... even IF the court says he should pay it, I didn't WANT it. Now child support... that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. I think I initially was going to give AH a "break"... but if the law says 25% of salary for two kids... well, that's it. It's more money than I would have asked for... but I'll take it.

I did meet with the new attorney. She was a sweet lady, and initially didn't seem to understand why we couldn't work things out. She kept saying, "It seems like you still really love him. Are you SURE?" Then I said, "I do still love him, with all my heart... but I think the paralegal didn't fill you in on the entire reason for the divorce action." I told her about the drinking over the past 10 years, and then the "final straw" of him getting drunk and grabbing me by my throat... and the fact that he's STILL drinking... and then she said, "Well, some problems just never go away, and you only have one life to live."

AH is retaining an attorney today (tomorrow he will be in default of the notice/complaint... so, as usual, he's the 11th hour kind of guy!)... and I'll have to wait to see what his answer is. I sued him on the grounds of "no fault", but my attorney did warn me that he could take the "It's not no fault, it's YOUR fault!" defense and make all sorts of claims on how I ruined the marriage. She said, "It doesn't mean he's challenging the divorce, it's just that he wants to blame you." Lovely... he may or may not get a final jab in there about how much he thinks I suck as a wife.

Oh well... he's going to do what he's going to do, and I deal with it when I get to that point. I did what I needed to do TODAY - make sure old attorney was fired, and hire a new attorney. Now I want to go to bed and cry.

StarCat

You can cry if you want to. It's difficult to let go. It's very hard to let go of someone you love, even if you're doing it for all the right reasons, even if that person doesn't really deserve your love.
Do what you need to do.

Maybe pull the TV into the bedroom (if you don't have on there already), watch a favorite movie in bed, and pig out on ice cream? Or whatever will help you feel better.