Early recovery and hope
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Early recovery and hope
I went through 5 relapses with my RAXBF. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself and disgusted that I was so weak. I'm an ACOA and AlAnon-y. Right now, I'm very emotional and in my own recovery very early stages. Last big break up, I just moved and said I was fed up and "bounced right back"- meaning I just was strong and went on with life, work, didn't delve into the emotions much. One week of crying then, boing! All Better! I don't think I dealt with my stuff. (maybe? haha)
Luckily we don’t live together and haven’t since August (three month trial period, not so good) so I have lots of space and autonomy. He’s less than a month clean (3/17). Not even close to enough time. He’s asked me to be his friend platonically for 6 months and see each other only occasionally and then in September (6 months since he quit) maybe see if we want to get back “together”. I haven’t answered yet. (I’m even suspicious of that- of his being patient and laying off.)
I have gotten so cynical about him and it kind of feels sad that he’s trying so hard because I’m so skeptical and cautious. I’m emotionally okay most of the time until I feel hopeful about him, or rather, us. The caring and warmth creeps in, and then I hope, and bam! I’m crying. What the heck is that??!! It’s painful and sad and I don’t remember EVER being sad about being hopeful ever before. Is it about hope? Or something else?
Anyone have some advice or insights? Am I missing a scam here? Is this normal (funny word to use in such a situation, but you know what I mean, I hope)? How much do you let them in during recovery (ours as oppose to theirs- although they might be simultaneous)?
He does seem to get that my recovery is as necessary and urgent as his. And he's being very nice and very sane, measured, but wants to see me and I want to see him. Some.
After spending so much energy seeing and thiking how big his problems were/are, I am gobsmacked at how hard this is for me. It's hard, energy consuming, for me. I’m trying really hard to be honest about who I am and what I think and feel and want and do—mindful-- and not just spout off platitudes or laugh things off- my typical way of being inauthentic and not dealing with reality. That alone is really hard for me, trying to change a lifetime habit feels like turning the Titanic with an oar.
Anyway… Help? Clarity? And thanks for listening. It felt good to think this through and type it out.
Luckily we don’t live together and haven’t since August (three month trial period, not so good) so I have lots of space and autonomy. He’s less than a month clean (3/17). Not even close to enough time. He’s asked me to be his friend platonically for 6 months and see each other only occasionally and then in September (6 months since he quit) maybe see if we want to get back “together”. I haven’t answered yet. (I’m even suspicious of that- of his being patient and laying off.)
I have gotten so cynical about him and it kind of feels sad that he’s trying so hard because I’m so skeptical and cautious. I’m emotionally okay most of the time until I feel hopeful about him, or rather, us. The caring and warmth creeps in, and then I hope, and bam! I’m crying. What the heck is that??!! It’s painful and sad and I don’t remember EVER being sad about being hopeful ever before. Is it about hope? Or something else?
Anyone have some advice or insights? Am I missing a scam here? Is this normal (funny word to use in such a situation, but you know what I mean, I hope)? How much do you let them in during recovery (ours as oppose to theirs- although they might be simultaneous)?
He does seem to get that my recovery is as necessary and urgent as his. And he's being very nice and very sane, measured, but wants to see me and I want to see him. Some.
After spending so much energy seeing and thiking how big his problems were/are, I am gobsmacked at how hard this is for me. It's hard, energy consuming, for me. I’m trying really hard to be honest about who I am and what I think and feel and want and do—mindful-- and not just spout off platitudes or laugh things off- my typical way of being inauthentic and not dealing with reality. That alone is really hard for me, trying to change a lifetime habit feels like turning the Titanic with an oar.
Anyway… Help? Clarity? And thanks for listening. It felt good to think this through and type it out.
Last edited by blueblooms14; 04-12-2011 at 06:04 PM. Reason: unclear
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I am at that point too. Not liking the shift in feelings and hope with a person in recovery. I am slowly trying to take the pieces and put them in perspective now that I am in a fairly calm mode.
What I realize is that loving someone in recovery means giving yourself the space to breathe. The skepticism and caution is good, that is your boundary actually. It is prevents you from jumping right in and out of his fluctuations.
My situation has the added bonus of being a long distance. I basically live my life and from a distance I see how he is doing in terms of his ability to be there for me. Right now, his ability is zero because he is IN rehab. If you have expectations, forget it. You will keep falling apart over and over.
The way I look at is, a relationship is whatever the two people want it to be. He is my friend, bf, lover, buddy, whatever I have no clue.. but we connect on a deeper level and I love that connection. I'd love it to take us places but he has so much work to do. It is not an easy situation and what helps me is keeping MY life intact regardless of where he is.
My RABF really hates his disease. He makes no excuses for it, he has lots of shame and self esteem issues because of where drinking took his life. Yet the only way for us to succeed is if he puts down a foundation for his own life first, not leap into mine. I don't take strays
I won't live with him until he has many months of sobriety, a job, etc.
I want him in my life but am realistic about his capacity to be in a give/take relationship. Its lots of giving on my part and when I find myself doing that, I retreat because I have to. So it is this crazy dance we do but I am also cautious. I am trying to keep my eyes WIDE opan and reading this forum/al-anon helps me when I feel all swooped up in his intensity. I try to stay grounded and let him fluctuate all over the place. While he does that I step aside and focus on myself.
I can only see the person and I try not to see the fantasy or feed off expectations or hope.
What I realize is that loving someone in recovery means giving yourself the space to breathe. The skepticism and caution is good, that is your boundary actually. It is prevents you from jumping right in and out of his fluctuations.
My situation has the added bonus of being a long distance. I basically live my life and from a distance I see how he is doing in terms of his ability to be there for me. Right now, his ability is zero because he is IN rehab. If you have expectations, forget it. You will keep falling apart over and over.
The way I look at is, a relationship is whatever the two people want it to be. He is my friend, bf, lover, buddy, whatever I have no clue.. but we connect on a deeper level and I love that connection. I'd love it to take us places but he has so much work to do. It is not an easy situation and what helps me is keeping MY life intact regardless of where he is.
My RABF really hates his disease. He makes no excuses for it, he has lots of shame and self esteem issues because of where drinking took his life. Yet the only way for us to succeed is if he puts down a foundation for his own life first, not leap into mine. I don't take strays
I won't live with him until he has many months of sobriety, a job, etc. I want him in my life but am realistic about his capacity to be in a give/take relationship. Its lots of giving on my part and when I find myself doing that, I retreat because I have to. So it is this crazy dance we do but I am also cautious. I am trying to keep my eyes WIDE opan and reading this forum/al-anon helps me when I feel all swooped up in his intensity. I try to stay grounded and let him fluctuate all over the place. While he does that I step aside and focus on myself.
I can only see the person and I try not to see the fantasy or feed off expectations or hope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Well, it lasted only 9 days.
Thursday morning the pouting, sulking, clipped speech, “nothing’s wrong” drama began and by last night he was in full rip, emotional drama mode, ramped up and angry about nothing. He is now demanding that I commit to either we are 100% on or 100% off, he can’t stand the uncertainty (a confession in my view). Can't even make it 10 days without a tantrum, and off he goes! The ride inside that head of his begins again.
Doesn’t have the emotional control to think things through, talk about it, listen, think again, take some time, consider other paths- to make things work. I would listen to the tantrum and then say I didn't understand why he was so upset about what happened. And he just blasts off again. No control.
This is what he claims to be mad about (I think he's just nuts- ahem- mentally unstable). We saw each other Wednesday night. He was going to sleep over. Neither one of us (he admits) put the moves on the other person. So we did not have sex. And THAT is it. He is in day 2 of a sputtering tantrum because of that. He is 48. It's mind-boggling.
I listen to, or watch, this pursed- lipped, interrupting, raised-voice, blaming fury and think, blurble, blurble, blurble. Is this a joke? And then the gap between us gets wider and wider and wider by the minute. I can feel it grow. Like watching a movie.
Less than ten days. And he had said 6 months. I guess it’s probably good it didn’t last longer.
Thinking it would be a nice calming thing to do to make peace and hit reset, I asked him if he wanted to go to Good Friday service at noon today- a service I always find very humbling and cathartic. He said yes and attended and then got upset there! We went for lunch and he was furious then too. I think it makes him angrier when I just sit and listen and watch. He hasn't let me string three sentences together in the past two days, so why bother? He just wants to dump that inner whack-rage on me. He started to get louder and more emphatic at the restaurant, so I walked out.
That's no way to live. Only 9 days. Too bad.
PS- he said he is NOT ANGRY!!!!!
Thursday morning the pouting, sulking, clipped speech, “nothing’s wrong” drama began and by last night he was in full rip, emotional drama mode, ramped up and angry about nothing. He is now demanding that I commit to either we are 100% on or 100% off, he can’t stand the uncertainty (a confession in my view). Can't even make it 10 days without a tantrum, and off he goes! The ride inside that head of his begins again.
Doesn’t have the emotional control to think things through, talk about it, listen, think again, take some time, consider other paths- to make things work. I would listen to the tantrum and then say I didn't understand why he was so upset about what happened. And he just blasts off again. No control.
This is what he claims to be mad about (I think he's just nuts- ahem- mentally unstable). We saw each other Wednesday night. He was going to sleep over. Neither one of us (he admits) put the moves on the other person. So we did not have sex. And THAT is it. He is in day 2 of a sputtering tantrum because of that. He is 48. It's mind-boggling.
I listen to, or watch, this pursed- lipped, interrupting, raised-voice, blaming fury and think, blurble, blurble, blurble. Is this a joke? And then the gap between us gets wider and wider and wider by the minute. I can feel it grow. Like watching a movie.
Less than ten days. And he had said 6 months. I guess it’s probably good it didn’t last longer.
Thinking it would be a nice calming thing to do to make peace and hit reset, I asked him if he wanted to go to Good Friday service at noon today- a service I always find very humbling and cathartic. He said yes and attended and then got upset there! We went for lunch and he was furious then too. I think it makes him angrier when I just sit and listen and watch. He hasn't let me string three sentences together in the past two days, so why bother? He just wants to dump that inner whack-rage on me. He started to get louder and more emphatic at the restaurant, so I walked out.
That's no way to live. Only 9 days. Too bad.
PS- he said he is NOT ANGRY!!!!!
Last edited by blueblooms14; 04-22-2011 at 02:37 PM. Reason: to add the "PS"
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Well, there you go. Now you know recovery doesn't happen on a clock. Until you are well into your own recovery with ACOA and/or Alanon I'd encourage you not to enter into any deals with him, nor with anybody else. Especially if there's a clock on it.
Plus, it has to be clear to you now you are broken up or you're not. He is correct that you are waffling. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. And not for him! For you!
Putting a clock on it is just another way to control. And, in my opinion, his way of keeping you off the market so to speak. God forbid you should meet and date a healthy person. Then you wouldn't want him back for sure.
He's your Ex. Period. He has no right to expect anything from you. Do what is best for you and your recovery. Do nothing else. Period.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Plus, it has to be clear to you now you are broken up or you're not. He is correct that you are waffling. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. And not for him! For you!
Putting a clock on it is just another way to control. And, in my opinion, his way of keeping you off the market so to speak. God forbid you should meet and date a healthy person. Then you wouldn't want him back for sure.
He's your Ex. Period. He has no right to expect anything from you. Do what is best for you and your recovery. Do nothing else. Period.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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