PurpleWilder

My daughter is ADD and is 10 years old.

I got a call from her teacher this morning. She had forged my signature on a reading log and on a social studies test. When I asked her why she said, "I don't know."

WTH? Why would she even do that? I always look over and sign everything she does. And while I do think she could do better in school, I am not all that unhappy about her grades. She really struggles with her ADD (even though she is on meds) and has trouble socializing. But she is certainly not flunking anything.

It is more of her attitude that bugs me. That certain ornery slyness - that kind of almost <gulp> alcoholic tendency to do something sneaky just to see if she can get away with it. I realize that me working nights and being tired sometimes when she comes home from school might have something to do with all of this and I am eating myself up with guilt right now. I am doing the best I can but I feel like I am failing her.

I don't live an immoral life. I don't run around, cheat, lie, steal, go to wild parties, hang around with unsavory people. Why is this happening? I realize her dad is no angel but to the best of my knowledge he isn't modeling this to her either. Oh sure, he is an a$$ but I'm pretty sure he isn't doing that kind of crap.

So is this nature? Nurture? What can I do? It is like it goes in one ear and out the other. They say addiction has a genetic factor - I am not trying to project but the whole "I'll be different - the rules don't apply to me - I'll do it just because I want to and can" sound eerily familiar.

I am feeling really bad right now. How do I react? I don't want to blow up at her but I don't want to underreact to this either. I don't know what I want.

Help, please?

MyBetterWorld

That's a tough one. Maybe she is just testing you...you know, seeing where the boundaries are. Hopefully this will be an isolated incident!

sillysquirrel

I spoke with my therapist yesterday regarding our 10 yo. She feels that just the inconsistency and uncertainty that occurs in the home of an alcoholic can lead to a lot of behavioral problems in the children, even if you think you are doing a good job of protecting them. They pick up on way more than you realize. It was a real eyeopener for me.

Thumper

No real advice. I have a soon to be 10yo I'm really worried about too. The mouth on that child. My xah did not speak to me that way, I don't know why the 10yo does but it is going to be a loooooooooooong 9 more years if I don't figure it out.

I also have another son with ADD. I know that is a tough one too. I actually think the almost 10yo is probably ADHD - hyper. He can focus and is organized though so it is not real obvious in school - yet. He was eating cereal last night - standing up, rocking back and forth, tipping the chair around, walking from one room to another, jumping..and cranky with a capitol C. The entire world was irritating him last night. I wanted to tape him to a chair.

TakingCharge999

:ghug3 PurpleSquirrel

PurpleWilder

More than anything, I am disappointed.

She just got home from school. She said what happened was that she forgot to write in her daily planner that she was supposed to write a paragraph or 2 on a reading selection from her social studies book. When she didn't have it to hand in, she forged my signature on the slip that said I knew about the incident.

I told her that yes, sometimes people forget to write things down - that's understandable. But it is not acceptable to lie about it once the consequence occurs. She knew exactly what the essay was supposed to be about - Governor Hutchinson, colonial New England - but just forgot to write it down. For ADD kids, there is no such thing as, "I'll write it down later". It'll be gone by then.

I also reminded her that I work very hard at a tough job so she can stay in a district with kids that she likes. When she lies about things, it shows disrespect for her teachers and for me.

She said she was afraid I would be angry. I am - about the forgery. Not about the forgetfullness. That is classic ADD and I have come to terms with that.

Sigh - I admit I have overreacted so much in the past that she probably was scared of my reaction. I had to tell her dad, and he already has his overreaction plan in place. Chores, chores, chores for her at his place all weekend. I warned him to take a day and calm down before he decides how to react but of course, that will be ignored. (She already has a project due on Monday and 2 due on Friday that will take up a large amount of her weekend time.) I will once again have to act as an ambassador for sane thinking.

For now, she has lost all her PM PowWows for next week (aka Show and Tell), is cleaning her room alone, can't play with her friend that is over today, and is going to write apology letters to her homeroom and social studies teacher.

What I am most worried about his her dad's overreaction. He was like this as a kid too and thinks if his parents had been harder on him he wouldn't have done it.

StarCat

PurpleSquirrel

This may be the first time she's done it, but it's not the first time anyone has done it.
One of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes:



You can't control her father's reaction.
You can be her safe refuge to talk about what is bothering her, and her reminder that mistakes are mistakes.

PurpleWilder

She loves Calvin and Hobbes - I think I see a lot of her in Calvin. But he and she have some good qualities too - playfulness, tenacity, strong feelings. DD is a wonderful girl - so smart, playful, funny, offbeat, curious. I know she is only 10, but she is undermining herself with this kind of stuff and just doesn't get it. I have a hard time knowing if this is normal behavior because I was raised in such a crappy household, I often don't have the slightest idea what "normal" is. I certainly wasn't normal. In our house, I was the invisible one. I did everything I could to fly under the radar - I was happier doing my schoolwork, participating in extracurrilculars to stay away from home, and doing whatever was required to keep my mom out of my hair. I think that is why this is so scary for me. I don't know exactly how to react so that this doesn't continue to happen.

wicked

Yep, me too. When my daughter started telling my MIL "no" about some clothes she did not want to wear, I was aghast!
Then, I remembered she is her and I am me.
It is scary, and you might need some help with this, keeping your memories separate from her reality.
You are aware though, and that is most of the battle.

Beth

LaTeeDa

Maybe use the cartoon to start a conversation about this. A little laugh is a great conversation starter.

Explain your concerns to her. Let her know you don't think she is a bad person. That you care about her and her future and it pains you to see her doing things that aren't best for her.

It may happen again. And your response should remain consistent.

I had some trouble with my daughter skipping school and lying to me about it when her dad and I were divorcing. Luckily, we were all in therapy at that time, so I had the opportunity to discuss it with my therapist. She told me children lie because they are afraid. (You knew that already because you said she must have been afraid of your reaction--very intuitive )

I explained to my daughter that I knew she wanted to go to college, and I knew she wanted to be successful in school. This was true. I told her it was her life and her future she was messing with. It was no skin off my nose--I already graduated high school. I already went to college. I shared that if I get upset, it's only because I want the best for her and that maybe from where I sit, I have a better view of the big picture.

I know it sounds like I'm a pushover, and maybe I am. But going through divorce was hard enough on my kids, I didn't want to make things harder. I wanted to be there and support them, and I wanted them to know that.

And yes, she did skip school some more after that, and she did lie some more after that. But it decreased rather than increased, until eventually it stopped altogether. And today she is a fine, confident, together 18yo with plans to start college in September.

*Side note: Starcat, you are very wise for someone who doesn't have children. You will make a great mom someday.

L

Ladybug0130

Just to make you feel better, when I was seven I forged a note from my mom that said I could go home on the school bus with a friend and I of course got caught by my seven year old handwriting! That was the end of my life of crime, this may be just an isolated incident.

I am also a law abiding college graduate who has no addictions, (okay, so I married an AH but I don't think that makes me a terrible person)!

suki44883

You've gotten some good feedback already and you sound like a very caring and concerned mom. The only thing I can add is...maybe it isn't necessary to tell her dad about everything, especially if he is prone to over-react. I know she needs to face the consequences of her bad choices, but sometimes maybe it could just be something between the two of you. I'm not saying to keep everything from her dad, but if it's something that you feel you can handle on your own, then maybe it's not all that important that he punish her in addition to the punishment you feel is appropriate. Just a thought, take it or leave it.

Cyranoak

Put your seatbelt on, it might be a bumpy ride. 10 is about when my 15 year old started up. Lot's of "why did you do that?" "I don't know." in the interim. For awhile I thought she was actually ********, but now I know she's just very self-destructive as a result of her engagements with the disease of alcoholism.

For two reasons I think. The first is that stupid crap like that got her more attention than positive acts, as most attention from me was directed towards dealing with her alcoholic mom. The second is that I believe when things are going well all she can think about is when it all goes to hell. To make it so she doesn't have to think about it and obsess about it, she just ***** it up in advance so she doesn't have to worry anymore.

That's what she learned from alcoholism, and that's what she learned from me as I tried to control it.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

wicked

I think so too Starcat.

I agree with Suki too. My ex was prone to over react, drunk or sober.
He would overblow the problem and make my daughter feel like crap.
She made mistakes for sure, and she was working hard at getting attention.
For this kind of stuff, I had a counselor to help me, and my ex did not have the ability to make or keep appointmentst with the counselor.
It all comes down to action.
It takes guts to be a parent, and even more when addiction has effected the kids.
If you think her father will be unable to act like a responsible father, then let this one go.
Consider if he can bring anything positive to this situation.

Beth

fixer

I know how difficult this is. As I have written before we have 3 children, 1 girl(oldest) and 2 boys. Our daughter went through typical teenage girl stuff which was not fun. The middle was a hand full and the youngest very easy going. Both boys are addicts, the oldest boy not surprising but the youngest was. All three are great people, everyone loves them. They are engaging, smart and funny. Teach them the basic traits honesty, caring, remorse, etc , give reasonable and consistent boundaries, don't smother, then cross your fingers. It's the best any parent can do. (FYI current children's ages are mid 30's, early 30's and early 20's).. I have no regrets on how we raised our children. Some things you have no control over. No house is perfect..

posiesperson

Hi PurpleSquirrel,

I was just talking to my therapist this week about this sort of thing also, regarding my almost-13 yr old DD who has ADD tendencies. My children's Dad, while not an alcoholic (to my knowledge) has lots of dry drunk behaviors which include looking for ways to convince others that they are responsible for his feelings. Really messed up stuff, and I'm sad to say that my kids have been catching a whole lot of that since he and I split up almost 5 years ago.

There's lots of good feedback here. The only thing I'll add is that my therapist has suggested I find something that my DD can really be successful at, some hobby, sport or activity that she can excel at, and therefore work through any difficulties with that to discover she can be empowered and build a core sense of self-esteem as a result of her own actions and choices. It's kind of like finding a likely successful outcome so that she finds out she can work through difficult aspects of things that are "good" in her mind. So I'm not sure but I wonder if that might also apply to your DDs situation also...? My DD is also in counseling and that has been essential to her feeling like she has allies/advocates in the world other than me.

The manipulation tendencies are really scary when they start to show up. Bottom line: she has her own HP, you're doing your best, and that's really d*mn good!

Hugs,
posie