New Here (A Long Story)....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
New Here (A Long Story)....
I am sad and embarrassed to be posting here.
Mainly because I am so confused as to how MY life has changed in a year after spending a majority of it loving an alcoholic.
I met a great guy.
He was fun and handsome, charming and polite, we had a lot of the same values and beliefs.
We enjoyed each other's company and went out often enough to learn that we were really compatible and obviously loads of chemistry. A few months in, I learned he was LIVING with another woman! (He had moved in with her a month before we had our first date and had only known her for 2-3 months only via online chat!)
(There were a lot of reasons he gave as to why he was living with her..which I actually believed at the time. As to whether he was lying about it at the time, I have no clue, but his story has always been the same since the beginning about it being simply convenience for both of them which had morphed into a pseudo-relationship that he hadn't wanted.)
I was shocked, sad and confused. Here we were... dating, nothing terribly serious, but enjoying spending time together and spending overnights with each other. I should have ended things right there, but I believed him (I've known people in the same situation).
Shortly thereafter he admitted to also being an alcoholic.
I would never have guessed at all because he never seemed drunk, he was highly functioning and had been drinking for years everyday...but I believe this was the worst it's been.
When you are dating, you don't right off the bat believe the person you are seeing is an alcoholic because drinks usually are involved in the dating process, although I did start being suspicious when ALL of our activity started to revolve around the bar.
He had lost his job and now could not move...(living with me was not an option, but it was discussed) unless he moved back to his home country and he didn't want to do that. She also knows I am a friend of his and that he has spent overnight times with me. (We've not had sex, but we've been terribly close multiple times and we both agree to wait until we are free to fully be with each other.) He tells me he cares about the roomie, but isn't passionate about her and that they are far too different for his liking.
Things continue on and he still has issues finding work. (My guess is that it's likely due to the alcoholism (and the really crappy economy)) He has complications from withdrawl and it lands him in the hospital over the holidays. Doctors tell him he'll never be able to quit cold turkey & that medical detox is required.
He decides eventually to go through a medical detox and get help for his alcoholism. I am proud, supportive and have never pushed. He tells me how scared he is and how thankful he is for my support. I wish him well knowing I won't hear from him for a week until he completes the detox process.
He leaves detox in late March and is supposed to complete a 21 day outpatient program after (which I am assuming would go until next week).
I have NO clue what's going on because I've not heard from him since the day before he enters the detox although I believe he was aiming to 'drink moderately' when he was finished the process.
I know it's highly impossible for him to do that considering he's been drinking between 6 & 10 drinks a day for ages, and I ask him if he thought it was something that was attainable. He is hopeful.
I know he has been in environments since leaving detox where alcohol is prevalent and likely a huge trigger for him because in the past, he's always be drinking in this situation. I suspect he may be drinking (possibly moderately, beats me...but I do know that his gf/roomie/whatever is around while he is drinking.) I don't blame her obviously for his decisions & choices. She is a victim possibly more than I, but she does see what is happening with him firsthand.
I don't really know what I am hoping to hear from posting here to be totally honest, but I am terribly upset that I've not heard from him. I'm hurt.
I am a very positive person, but I am trying to understand why I've not heard a peep from him at all!
I've only sent 3 text messages (all very upbeat and not nosy as to how treatment went) since he's been out in the last 3 weeks(and we'd not spoken for the week beforehand). (We used to text everyday, so not hearing from him is borderline weird since) and I'm trying to understand what is happening.
Could he have come clean to her about our relationship and she gave an ultimatum? Possibly. Could he just have decided to focus on making things work with her? Possibly. I can't guess anymore.
What I have remembered is that all throughout our relationship is that I have been the catch! The one worth fighting for...so I am no longer initiating any contact and will see what happens.
I guess I am posting this to find out the thought process of what actually happens in detox (re: counselling, advice re: relationships) and what happens in outpatient treatment. I've been searching everywhere, but can't seem to find any in depth information.
Thanks for reading through all that (and please don't throw things at a girl who fell in love).
Mainly because I am so confused as to how MY life has changed in a year after spending a majority of it loving an alcoholic.
I met a great guy.
He was fun and handsome, charming and polite, we had a lot of the same values and beliefs.
We enjoyed each other's company and went out often enough to learn that we were really compatible and obviously loads of chemistry. A few months in, I learned he was LIVING with another woman! (He had moved in with her a month before we had our first date and had only known her for 2-3 months only via online chat!)
(There were a lot of reasons he gave as to why he was living with her..which I actually believed at the time. As to whether he was lying about it at the time, I have no clue, but his story has always been the same since the beginning about it being simply convenience for both of them which had morphed into a pseudo-relationship that he hadn't wanted.)
I was shocked, sad and confused. Here we were... dating, nothing terribly serious, but enjoying spending time together and spending overnights with each other. I should have ended things right there, but I believed him (I've known people in the same situation).
Shortly thereafter he admitted to also being an alcoholic.
I would never have guessed at all because he never seemed drunk, he was highly functioning and had been drinking for years everyday...but I believe this was the worst it's been.
When you are dating, you don't right off the bat believe the person you are seeing is an alcoholic because drinks usually are involved in the dating process, although I did start being suspicious when ALL of our activity started to revolve around the bar.
He had lost his job and now could not move...(living with me was not an option, but it was discussed) unless he moved back to his home country and he didn't want to do that. She also knows I am a friend of his and that he has spent overnight times with me. (We've not had sex, but we've been terribly close multiple times and we both agree to wait until we are free to fully be with each other.) He tells me he cares about the roomie, but isn't passionate about her and that they are far too different for his liking.
Things continue on and he still has issues finding work. (My guess is that it's likely due to the alcoholism (and the really crappy economy)) He has complications from withdrawl and it lands him in the hospital over the holidays. Doctors tell him he'll never be able to quit cold turkey & that medical detox is required.
He decides eventually to go through a medical detox and get help for his alcoholism. I am proud, supportive and have never pushed. He tells me how scared he is and how thankful he is for my support. I wish him well knowing I won't hear from him for a week until he completes the detox process.
He leaves detox in late March and is supposed to complete a 21 day outpatient program after (which I am assuming would go until next week).
I have NO clue what's going on because I've not heard from him since the day before he enters the detox although I believe he was aiming to 'drink moderately' when he was finished the process.
I know it's highly impossible for him to do that considering he's been drinking between 6 & 10 drinks a day for ages, and I ask him if he thought it was something that was attainable. He is hopeful.
I know he has been in environments since leaving detox where alcohol is prevalent and likely a huge trigger for him because in the past, he's always be drinking in this situation. I suspect he may be drinking (possibly moderately, beats me...but I do know that his gf/roomie/whatever is around while he is drinking.) I don't blame her obviously for his decisions & choices. She is a victim possibly more than I, but she does see what is happening with him firsthand.
I don't really know what I am hoping to hear from posting here to be totally honest, but I am terribly upset that I've not heard from him. I'm hurt.
I am a very positive person, but I am trying to understand why I've not heard a peep from him at all!
I've only sent 3 text messages (all very upbeat and not nosy as to how treatment went) since he's been out in the last 3 weeks(and we'd not spoken for the week beforehand). (We used to text everyday, so not hearing from him is borderline weird since) and I'm trying to understand what is happening.
Could he have come clean to her about our relationship and she gave an ultimatum? Possibly. Could he just have decided to focus on making things work with her? Possibly. I can't guess anymore.
What I have remembered is that all throughout our relationship is that I have been the catch! The one worth fighting for...so I am no longer initiating any contact and will see what happens.
I guess I am posting this to find out the thought process of what actually happens in detox (re: counselling, advice re: relationships) and what happens in outpatient treatment. I've been searching everywhere, but can't seem to find any in depth information.
Thanks for reading through all that (and please don't throw things at a girl who fell in love).
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I haven't been to rehab, but my bet is to the extent there were any relationships focused on, it would be with the woman he's living with, not you.
If I were you, I think I'd be thinking of moving on...
If I were you, I think I'd be thinking of moving on...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks very much Lexie...I was very torn about posting this (still am) and may change it yet to simply reflect what happens in detox (and then recovery) about relationships..and yes, I am reminding myself to move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
When my husband went into a 28 rehab center.
The best way I an explain it is: Its kind of like bootcamp..
Mine had to get up at 6am, do chores, like kitchen duties
Then be in class for 8 to 5pm. They are working the steps,
learning what they have done, learning what alcohol does
and watching educational videos on the alcoholics & the loved ones.
Eat dinner and back into class at 7pm, then bed. Repeat the next day.
It is very intense for them.
We paid $10 Grand for his rehab. Most rehabs charge money or it
is state paid.
He is there to get better...
You need to worrying about "YOU" and getting YOU better before
he gets out!!! I say that from experiance. '
I didnt do it quick enough for ME and when mine got home..It didnt work!
Rehab programs their minds, mine somewhat changed, for the better.
But it only lasted 3 days.
So get yourself prepared, for the good or the bad!!!
Rehab is "NOT" a magic pill for them.
So exercise YOUR BRAIN, YOUR HEART,YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS,,,,before he gets out....
FIND A ALANON CLASS A.S.A.P - Do it for yourself, you can Thank me later!!!
The best way I an explain it is: Its kind of like bootcamp..
Mine had to get up at 6am, do chores, like kitchen duties
Then be in class for 8 to 5pm. They are working the steps,
learning what they have done, learning what alcohol does
and watching educational videos on the alcoholics & the loved ones.
Eat dinner and back into class at 7pm, then bed. Repeat the next day.
It is very intense for them.
We paid $10 Grand for his rehab. Most rehabs charge money or it
is state paid.
He is there to get better...
You need to worrying about "YOU" and getting YOU better before
he gets out!!! I say that from experiance. '
I didnt do it quick enough for ME and when mine got home..It didnt work!
Rehab programs their minds, mine somewhat changed, for the better.
But it only lasted 3 days.
So get yourself prepared, for the good or the bad!!!
Rehab is "NOT" a magic pill for them.
So exercise YOUR BRAIN, YOUR HEART,YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS,,,,before he gets out....
FIND A ALANON CLASS A.S.A.P - Do it for yourself, you can Thank me later!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks BobbyJ! 
He was going to outpatient treatment ...not inpatient, unfortunately.
So he is out.
My only concern was just to check in and see how he was..that's it and what they teach you because I know he is anti-aa and had told me he wasn't going to talk in group sessions. I encouraged him to participate once he was feeling it and to just 'go with the process'. Nothing to do with me or our immediate situation, just what sort of thing he was doing.
Ummmmm...how do I edit my original post??
He was going to outpatient treatment ...not inpatient, unfortunately.
So he is out.
My only concern was just to check in and see how he was..that's it and what they teach you because I know he is anti-aa and had told me he wasn't going to talk in group sessions. I encouraged him to participate once he was feeling it and to just 'go with the process'. Nothing to do with me or our immediate situation, just what sort of thing he was doing.
Ummmmm...how do I edit my original post??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
You wrote this while I was typing, sorry for the add...
happens in detox (and then recovery)
Read on this site, search, learn, listen. Even go to the AA side of this site.
There is a HUGE differance in DETOX and RECOVERY!!!
Detox is the MOMENT that their body is freshly exhausted of alcohol or drugs. Wheter
it is chemically induced or timely applied by the individual
Recovery is for LIFE...what is inside of the persons, heart, head, and desire to change. It is finding inner peace and facing your demons. Challenging yourself to be a better person and learning to love yourself and life as it is. Changing old habits and creating new. Learning & Claiming that you are an alcoholic. Working the program on a daily basis for the rest of your life....(not a moment..LIFE TIME)
Im not an alcoholic, but I am married to one, and that is only my opinion of detox and recovery...
happens in detox (and then recovery)
Read on this site, search, learn, listen. Even go to the AA side of this site.
There is a HUGE differance in DETOX and RECOVERY!!!
Detox is the MOMENT that their body is freshly exhausted of alcohol or drugs. Wheter
it is chemically induced or timely applied by the individual
Recovery is for LIFE...what is inside of the persons, heart, head, and desire to change. It is finding inner peace and facing your demons. Challenging yourself to be a better person and learning to love yourself and life as it is. Changing old habits and creating new. Learning & Claiming that you are an alcoholic. Working the program on a daily basis for the rest of your life....(not a moment..LIFE TIME)
Im not an alcoholic, but I am married to one, and that is only my opinion of detox and recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
Oh yes, I know the difference between the two.
He's been for the medical detox...and is 'supposed' to attend a 21 day outpatient program.
(I have no clue if he is actually going..which also may be why he hasn't said anything to me, in case I ask him about it.)
I am hoping that he is considering recovery...for him (obviously)
He's been for the medical detox...and is 'supposed' to attend a 21 day outpatient program.
(I have no clue if he is actually going..which also may be why he hasn't said anything to me, in case I ask him about it.)
I am hoping that he is considering recovery...for him (obviously)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
In patient or Out patient, doesnt matter...Its all the same principles
I Just read your reply: That is why YOU need to go to ALANON and continue
to read on this site...You have a very long road ahead of you, if he has
that attitude already. That is NOT a good sign, sorry, but Im being honest..
I know it sounds cold, and I dont mean it to be, but you will learn over time
being involved with an alcoholic and hopefully you remember my words...
It doesnt matter how he is doing
It matters HOW ARE YOU DOING???
And do yourself a favor early in the game. Understand that...
He is NO different than any other alcoholic..
Find yourself a class, read and educate yourself BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!!!!
I Just read your reply: That is why YOU need to go to ALANON and continue
to read on this site...You have a very long road ahead of you, if he has
that attitude already. That is NOT a good sign, sorry, but Im being honest..
I know it sounds cold, and I dont mean it to be, but you will learn over time
being involved with an alcoholic and hopefully you remember my words...
It doesnt matter how he is doing
It matters HOW ARE YOU DOING???
And do yourself a favor early in the game. Understand that...
He is NO different than any other alcoholic..
Find yourself a class, read and educate yourself BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks BobbyJ... I'm actually really good myself.
I read the boards (as well as boards about why I would attract this sort of man,etc.) and keep myself busy with work and activities, etc. It just hurts to stop getting messages from him when things were good with us and he was sounding really positive about the outcome of him getting help.
Just wondering where 'we' go from here... and what might've changed the dynamic of our relationship/friendship because I don't know if it's all alcohol related. That's all. *shrugs*
Selfish. Partially.
Curious. Definitely.
I read the boards (as well as boards about why I would attract this sort of man,etc.) and keep myself busy with work and activities, etc. It just hurts to stop getting messages from him when things were good with us and he was sounding really positive about the outcome of him getting help.
Just wondering where 'we' go from here... and what might've changed the dynamic of our relationship/friendship because I don't know if it's all alcohol related. That's all. *shrugs*
Selfish. Partially.
Curious. Definitely.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You haven't heard from him because he is an alcoholic.
They are not consistent. Even if he isn't drinking, he is still going to have those unhealthy patterns within relationships/communication until he really works on his recovery.
It is a simple answer to a painful question I know but trying to figure it out will drive you nuts (I know this from experience).
Just live your life wish him the best and keep posting. That's what I'm doing My guy has cut off contact, I was devastated. But all the wondering in the world won't change the situation so I let it go.
Trying to expect someone who drinks or in early recovery to be a responsible part of a relationship isn't realistic in my opinion.
Be good to yourself and Al-anon does help.
They are not consistent. Even if he isn't drinking, he is still going to have those unhealthy patterns within relationships/communication until he really works on his recovery.
It is a simple answer to a painful question I know but trying to figure it out will drive you nuts (I know this from experience).
Just live your life wish him the best and keep posting. That's what I'm doing
My guy has cut off contact, I was devastated. But all the wondering in the world won't change the situation so I let it go. Trying to expect someone who drinks or in early recovery to be a responsible part of a relationship isn't realistic in my opinion.
Be good to yourself and Al-anon does help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 74
We have all been there...desperately trying to figure out why they do what they do, what they are thinking, where this attempt at recovery will lead, etc., etc., infinity. None of this can be understood by a rational mind...empathized with, yes...understood/made sense of...no. While you think you are doing well, the fact that you are obsessing over all of this proves that you are not doing so well. We have all been there and/or are still living in it, so please know that is not a criticism, just something that is easier to see from the outside. And to get better, we have to recognize that something is wrong in the first place...it's easy to slip into denial...it's not a lie if you believe it, right? So, I would gently suggest rethinking your statement alluding to the time when your relationship was going well...try to reconcile that with the reality of the relationship you describe in your first post...wishing you peace on your journey...
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