Searching81

Dear A,

I have spent the last few days really thinking about what to write and how to write it. I tried to use pen and paper but I don’t know if I write fast enough to keep up with my brain…so, you get this tangential carping typed up, all legible and easy to read, if not easy to stomach.

I decided to take this job partly because of how things have been with us. I had begun to feel so far away from you. The conversations we were having had become so abusive, on both our parts. When I was flying to Iowa, I was reading a book called “Codepenent No More”. It was this eye opening book about how badly I had lost my mind. How manipulative I had become. This was the trip that we were screaming and crying. I was standing in Detroit’s airport and I was banging the phone against a wall. People were watching me scream and cry. I realized how badly I was losing my mind.

This conversation had stemmed from so many before them. Us yelling, me yelling, you yelling. Both of us just falling apart.

I really am in love with you. I have spent years dreaming about what our life would be like together. Years imagining what good we could be together. When you moved to Philadelphia, I thought that it would be the “answer” to making us be together. But pretty quickly, I realized how angry I was and how dependent I had made you be on me. I had painted myself into a corner that allowed for me to be your only friend here, your only support. And that was too much for me. You didn’t make that happen. I did. And I liked it for a while. I wanted to be able to save you. I wanted to be able to bring happiness and love and life into your life. I really thought I was going to be able to do that.

I never dealt with a lot of feelings I had about what had happened. I have been realizing that over the past few months. Thinking back onto some of the terrible things I said in fits of rage, I realized that this thing that I thought I had forgiven you for was actually something that was still eating away at parts of me, eating away at my trust. I was angry because I couldn’t tell my mom or anyone for that matter, how we had started or why things were like they were. My mom questioned why I was so angry and I blamed it all on your drinking. I wanted to be able to be honest and I couldn’t be because the honesty would make everyone judge my sanity. Hell, I judged my sanity. You judged my sanity.

During your time here, I have done a lot of things wrong. I should have been more honest about how I was feeling. I should have sucked up my **** with my family. I should have made you a part of my life. I tried to introduce you to my friends but even that was awkward. And I am sorry. I am sorry that I was so afraid of someone finding out. So afraid of what it meant to have people know that we started in such a ****** up way. I don’t know why this thing weighed so heavy on me when you got here…maybe it made it more real. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve always thought you were beautiful. And I have always been attracted to you but I did not show you that. I became weirdly in a shell of feeling so very un-sexual. I talked to my doctor about it. He said it was my medicine. And I used that as a crutch. And I gained weight. And I felt gross. And instead of sharing that with you, I became an *******.

The list of what I should have done, things I have done wrong, could go on. I should never have ever yelled at you like I did. I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said. I wish I would have responded to you when you relapsed, in a completely different way. I wish I would have held you instead of berated you. Or I should have walked away, calmed down, waited til we could actually talked. I should never have gotten into your face, thrown anything. I cannot believe that I did those things. I cannot believe that I scared you. I mean, I understand that you were scared but I cannot believe I got to that level.

I wish I would have told you what was going on inside my brain. I should have insisted that we got counseling, instead of just sometimes nonchalantly bringing it up.

I know that you are angry at me for all of these things and probably so much more. I know that. I understand that. I wish that I felt like there was some way to repair this right now. I wish I could have or would have done something sooner. But things have gotten out of hand. I have gotten out of hand. I reacted too many times. I let my anger get the best of me. This is very serious to me. I went to a level way too scary for me. And I cannot promise it wouldn’t happen again.

You have every right to live your life the way that you want. And although I wish you wanted to live it the way that I want you to live it, I have no right to yell and scream and tirade and rage at you about how wrong I think you are. There are parts of me that just wishes I could be less crazy about it and more accepting but I have seen myself react and I have not done well. I know you said that we should have tried but A, I did. I know it does not seem like it but I swear, I tried to be less crazy. I tried to not ask questions or get uptight. I really, really tried and I am sorry that it doesn’t seem like it.

I have done a lot of thinking lately about my own wants and needs. And I wish I could be okay with it but I’m not. And I am very sorry for that. I love you but I cannot pretend I am okay with it. I don’t want to spend my life or your life or our life fretting over whether or not you are drinking or whether or not you are smoking weed. And maybe it is “just weed” but this has gotten out of hand. The way we talk to each other, the things we say. I’ve kept every text message you’ve sent me so I can remember how unhealthy we’ve gotten so I don’t beg you to just take me back and forget this ever happened.

I want a life that is full of happiness and joy and I want a healthy relationship that includes giving and taking. I don’t feel like we’ve had that. I think a lot of that is because neither of us know who we are or what we want. I know that I feel like I am lost. I know you feel similarly. And although for a long time, I swore you were going to help me feel discovered, instead, I started feeling responsible for your happiness, responsible for your feelings all of the time. This became too much for me. Too hard on my already ****** up, already fragile spirit.

I know it is hard to believe but I swear that I think this is the right thing, at least for now. I, at least, need this opportunity to learn a lot more about who I am. And my god, I am so scared to find out that this is who I am. That I am just what you’ve said. Someone who is too judgmental. Too high and mighty. I am scared I am going to go and I am going to fail and that these kids, kids I want to do right by, no matter what you may think, are going to hate me. I am scared that I will not make friends. Hell, I can almost guarantee that I will not make friends. But I have to go. I have to put myself first. I know you think I have put myself first a lot of times but I have put so many other peoples needs, XXX, XXX, my mom’s, my works, yours, my dead fathers…I have thought about everyone else’s feelings in every stupid action or inaction I have done, in every word. I have finally run into a place that everything is conflicting. Every one cannot be happy because I have created a world that has too many layers. You may call them lies. Hell, maybe I should call them lies. But regardless, I have come to a place where I cannot keep fulfilling everyone else’s prophecy because I have left myself unfulfilled for a really long time.

And god, I must sound like a whining, sniveling brat. I must sound pathetic and as if I believe I am a victim. I don’t. I have made my life this way. I have built my world this way. I have allowed things to go unsettled for far too long. And I cannot keep living this way. Because I will not ever, ever be happy if I do.

I am in love with you. I have been since you first said my name. And you make my heart soar in a million ways. But in the same waves, the way I have begun to interact with you, is going to kill me. And I refuse to let that happen. Staying here would be the easy thing. Staying here and going on with this same fight and having days that are okay and some that are even good, would be easy but I cannot do this because it is not the way either of us should live. I realize it looks like I am running. And ****, maybe I am. Regional sobriety or whatever. Unlike you, I have never done anything that requires courage like this. I have never left home because I am a coward. I have always stuck so closely to my family. And there is nothing wrong with me for it but now is time for a change. You said some pretty mean things about taking all these people attached to my tit and well, despite how crass it was, it hit home. I am going by myself because I need to make a new world.

I realize that I may be losing everything that I have built for myself here. I am leaving the city that I love and I am leaving the world I have built. I am leaving you. But I need to do this because I need a chance to be myself. Even if that means that I am losing what I have been for the last 29 years.

I am so sorry for all of the hurt that I have caused you. I am sorry that I brought you here and was not 100% with you. I am sorry if you do not believe that I truly had intentions of raising babies, building cabins, having you cook me dinner, sleeping with you, being a darling, little lesbian with you. The time we spent in Maine, in Vermont…those were the best times of my life. And I hate that our entire time together was not more like those times. I am sorry I let you down. That I didn’t live up to either of our fantasies of creating a wonderful world where you and I could just be so, so happy together. I am so, so very sorry. So sorry it makes my mouth water like I am going to vomit. So sorry that I did this to you. So sorry I didn’t stop this from spinning more out of control.

Finding you has been one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. I swear to you that I think this is the best thing for us. Maybe this will release me from all of the feelings of anger and sadness and depression and guilt and distrust that I have built up in myself.

I want you to live a truly good life. I want you to figure out what you want to do. How you want to live. If we both do this, I think remarkable things can and will happen for us, either individually or more. I just know that there is a world I have not been fully living in or experiencing because I have been paralyzed by who I am.

****, A, I know you are pulling this letter apart, probably cursing me at every turn. Saying that I am a coward. Saying that I am a jerk. Saying I am a liar. And there is nothing I can do to prove you wrong. And the fact that neither of us take each other at face value anymore, that’s obviously not okay. But I love you. Have loved you. Wanted to forgive you and build a life with you. I thought I could and would and was on that track. And then, I fell off that track for whatever number of reasons.

You have a beautiful spirit. You’ve taught me a lot. You’ve made me laugh. You know me in the most intimate of ways. You know I am blindly trusting and then, sometimes terribly unforgiving. You know the best me and the worst me. You know me more than I’ve let anyone else know me.

Please know in your heart that I wanted the best for us and I am so disappointed in me for not having a better imagination to make us work. For not being more in control of my anger. For letting the ugliest parts of me, come out and take over. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. For ever hurting you, scaring you, saying less than loving or respectful things to you. For not being a better advocate or supporter. I let you down in so many ways. But I tried to do a good job. I tried to be loving and healthy and supportive and in reality, I just mostly did kind of a half ass job. But please, please know that was never my intention.

I don’t only blame me for this. I know it takes two to do all of the things that it takes two to do…but I wanted you to know that I’ve not ignored my failings. I have not, for one second, thought this was just your fault. I know that I’ve played a huge role in our creation and our demise.

I love you more than you will ever know or understand or comprehend. You truly have brought me so many complex experiences and emotions, mostly good. I love you. I love you. Your skin. Your smell. Your neck. Your hands. Your voice. Everything. I love your feet. I love your mouth. I love your smile. Your laugh. The way you say my name. Your coffee. The food you make. The way you always go for exact change.

God, I feel like I could go on and on. I could keep saying the same things over and over, in different ways. ****. I am sorry for that too. I know that is a quality that is ugly and annoys people. I know I talk forever.

Another reason I took this job…is because honestly, honestly I have not been even called back by a job here in Philadelphia. And because this job could be really great for me because it is doing work I really want to do. I’m sad that you don’t think I should work with people or kids. Those things aren’t true so I guess there are parts of me that you don’t know as fully as I want you to.

I love you. I want to talk with you. I want to be healthy with you. I want to be honest with you. and yes, I know I am making these proclamations a few weeks before I move away to start a new life but I do want these things. I hope you will consider this.

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to search for those things. South Dakota just happened to be the place that was willing to have me, willing to welcome me with open arms. I am sorry it is so far away. And that I’ve contributed to the chasm that lies between us. I am so sorry.

zrx1200R

Sometimes we write these things thinking they are for them. When in reality it is really just for ourselves.

kittykitty

Just my opinion here. Take what you like and leave the rest...

I would burn it.


You sure are hard on yourself in this letter. You are taking the blame for everything that went wrong in your relationship, at least that what it looks like to me. You call yourself names, and put yourself down the entire letter, all the while putting your A on a pedastal. You apologize 18 times. You repeatedly say how disappointed and disgusted you are in yourself, and justify/almost approve your A's potential disappointment of you. . You even take the blame for all your A's faults, too. I had to read it twice to realize that you weren't begging your A to take you back ~ i really thought you were asking for another chance, for forgiveness, the first time I read it. Why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you hate yourself so much?

I wrote at least two of these to my Exabf, the two other times that I tried to break things off with him, (third time was the charm, when I was finally ready. No letter or explanation the third time). I felt like I needed to explain, I had to share myself so he would understand why I was doing what I was doing. All he did was use the things I put in there against me. He jumped on the idea that since I had been reading Melody Beatty, perhaps I was the one with the problem and not him. He jumped on my codependancy and used it to his advantage. Convinced me that he needed me and my help to get better, knowing that those words are like crack to a codie. When I admitted a fault to him, in an effort to make it about me, and my realization that I am not perfect, he used that information as a weakness, another button to push, another way to justify why he was better than me. When I told him I thought we were soul mates, he used the phrase in every conversation we ever had since, reminding me that i needed to work harder because it was fate. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. He used everything I said to get me to stay one more time. I made it easier for him to manipulate me, because I gave him instructions on how to do it. Bottom line, it prolonged my misery ~ sucked me right back in. And your giving your A weeks to do just that.

But when I examined my motives (after the fact), I realized that those letters were just another way of me trying to make him "see what he did to me". It was me trying to manipulate him into feeling guilt about what I had become, and who I turned into trying to help him. Trying to get him to understand me, and see things from my point of view, and feel pity for me. It was me trying to change him.

When I left the third and final time, there was no note. No talk. Just me saying, "this isn't working. I'm moving on." That was it. After months of trying to communicate with him, share my recovery insights, discuss my feelings, etc, i realized it was just a waste of time. If he cared, he would have listened the first time. Anytime after that was a waste of breath on my part.

Imo, think long and hard before handing this over. You could be opening the door to a whole nother world of hurt.

Hugs to you.

FindingPeace1

thanks for sharing.

GettingBy

I'm with kitty kitty on this...

When exposed vulnerabilities and my flaws to AH... He used them against me and hurt me more. I suddenly became the reason for all the wrongs. I was trying to be compassionate and get him to work with me... And I ended up getting it shoved right up my arse.

Keep the letter, for you. Learn from it by working on you. Nothing you say to him with get him to see it. Nothing.

Linkmeister

I'm also with kittykitty. I left my EXABF is the same way she did - no words, no responses to the emails he kept sending, ranging from "I'm Sorry" to "Goodbye."

Anytime I opened up to my ex whether on paper or trying to talk to him, I got it all thrown back at me during drunken tirades. It was a weapon to be used against me,to blame me, to hurt me, to diminish my feelings. They're really good at that and know how to exploit weaknesses.

Keep the letter for yourself as a reminder of how things were. I have many of these tucked away in a safe place for those moments of weakness when I think that things may change this time around.

kittykitty

How are you doing today Searching? Has anyone told you how great you are today?


Link, I kept alot of them too, as a reminder. Same as my journal, when I feel those tinges of "did I do the right thing?", or "it wasn't that bad" I can go back and read the entries, and take myself back to how I was feeling and thinking when times were bad. Unfortunately, sometimes we need that wake up call, that slap in the face, to remember how bad it was, and how bad we got because of it.

I also have a God Box, something that was introduced to me at Alanon. It's actually in storage right now since I just got settled, but I need to go get it and put it on my temporary dresser. You write down something on a piece of paper, it could be as simple as a name, or even an entire letter, and then put it in the box. As i've said before, I am a big fan of tangible actions, actually doing something instead of just thinking it, and putting things in the box is my way of "handing it over" to God.
There are quite a few cards in there that simply have my ex's name on them... no other explanation was necessary, God new what I was giving him.

Searching, I also write things and read them to my sponsor, which is kind of what you did here. Just knowing that someone else can hear my thoughts makes me feel so much better. I used to think the only way to get closure/validation for my feelings was for HIM to hear those words, but eventually I realized I actually get more out of reading them to my sponsor than I do him, because he just doesn't get it, and never will.

Man I love Alanon!

Searching81

I tried to fight it but I taped this letter to my door as my A came to drop off a few things. It was stupid in a lot of ways but I havent talked to my A since. That doesnt mean I won't get some ridiculous and awful text messages and phone calls. I just havent yet and I am glad. I realized almost immediately that I was being manipulative though and that I was trying to control the situation. I hope my A doesnt throw my words back in my face but I must admit, your messages make me believe I have to keep my guard up!

Like I said, my A dropped off a few things, including some money that was owed and a few of my clothes. They reeked of marijuana. This made me so mad but then, I just threw the clothes in the wash basket and knew I was making the right choice, even if I had shown my soul much too easily.

Linkmeister

Kitty-Thanks for the reminder about the God Box.

I know several members of my Al-Anon group who have them and I am going to start mine tomorrow.

You're right-having something tangible in front of you, being able to "do something" as opposed to thinking of something is a concrete way of "Letting Go and Letting God.

GettingBy

Searching81,

So you taped it up for him, that's okay. Progress, not perfection. Maybe he'll respond, maybe he won't. Don't obsess over it. Let it go and move on.

Get the focus back on you, and what you are going to do for you. Today is new day!

So.... what do you want for YOU today?

kittykitty

Hey searching, you did what you had to do. Please don't beat yourself up about it. It may end up being the best decision that you ever made! And yes, keep your guard up. You know in your heart that you are a kind, compassionate, understanding and loving person, and no matter what your A says you don't deserve anything that you have gotten, and more importantly you shouldn't feel obligated to stick around and wait for them to change. Like others say on here, if you can't love and accept them as they are right now, then something's not right. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Glad to hear from you again, keep your chin up!

steve11694

Any logical coherent rational letter will not be understood or appreciated by an alcoholic unless they attain meaningful sobriety. You can write a thesis on your relationship with him, but all he really wants or understands is "another drink"