Seeking Guidance and Support Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4
Seeking Guidance and Support Please
I am in great need of support and guidance. My mother-in-law-to-be is an alcoholic and has been struggling for many, many years, but in the past 5 years has been going downhill and the past 6 months it has gotten down right ugly. She is a wonderful, sweet-loving wife, sister, mother and friend to those who have stuck beside her.
In 3 months, she has been through 5 hospital-assisted detoxes and has done a community-funded treatment program that all go through for up to 5 days after a hospital detox. She has also been through a court-appointed DUI program for 2 years as well as inpatient/outpatient programs in the past 5 years. She attends AA on a somewhat regular basis.
Recently after her last detox, myself and boyfriend had her come live with us in my condo. It is small, but we made it work. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before, so this was all new to me.
We took her in to "keep her safe" a.k.a. away from her home where a neighbor supplied her alcohol. I had extensive conversations with her and felt we were making some breakthroughs. We were looking into sending her out of state for an inpatient program, but she adamantly refused stating she needed to do this herself, knew all the coping strategies and wanted to do it on her own (yes, I know many who read this agree, this was the addict talking). Slowly we starting weaning her back into her home life including AA meetings and getting her a cellphone to call us, her family, should an urge to drink arise. On day 29 of sobriety, she drank "a beer." I was devastated.
That night we went to their house, sat down and I assertively voiced my thoughts and opinions with her and told her the next stop was either an inpatient treatment program for 30 days or a women's shelter. She once again adamantly denied the offer, so we left on that note.
She remained sober again for another 30 days. Then on day 30, she went to the neighbor's house and had "a 24-oz malt beer with 12% alcohol." She was almost bragging it felt like when she told me what she did. She claimed to be at an AA meeting, but I was a step ahead and had the Family Locator on her cellphone and tracked her to the neighbor's house. She refused and to this day denies being at his house, but we know the truth.
So once again we are faced with another slip up. Unfortunately, her husband who HAS been involved in this situation, I feel, greatly, but you can tell he's tired of being kicked in the teeth, is having surgery tomorrow and will need assistance at home for 3 months to take care of their 3 large-sized dogs. Myself and boyfriend, of course, are going to help, but we have daytime jobs and can't take time off to be more of help.
This is the first time I've ever written a blog or reached out for help using the internet, I apologize for being so long-winded.
I want help for Donna. I want her to be happy with life, live to watch her son and I get married, be there in the delivery room when her first grandchild is born and most importantly be sober and happy!! I love this woman as if she was my own mother.
She adamantly refuses inpatient or outpatient programs. She goes to AA meetings, though not as often as I feel she should, which is Monday-Friday and church on Sunday.
What can I do? My biggest fear, which I am sure many people who have alcoholics as siblings, parents, husbands, wives or the dearest of friends, is she die from this disease. I've told myself since day 1 of becoming involved in this situation I want to give Donna every opportunity we can, that way if something did happen to her, I can lie my head down on my pillow at night and know I tried everything I could.
If anyone can take the time to give me feedback, tell me your story, give advice and/or guidance, it would truly from the bottom of my broken heart be appreciated.
Thank you all.
In 3 months, she has been through 5 hospital-assisted detoxes and has done a community-funded treatment program that all go through for up to 5 days after a hospital detox. She has also been through a court-appointed DUI program for 2 years as well as inpatient/outpatient programs in the past 5 years. She attends AA on a somewhat regular basis.
Recently after her last detox, myself and boyfriend had her come live with us in my condo. It is small, but we made it work. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before, so this was all new to me.
We took her in to "keep her safe" a.k.a. away from her home where a neighbor supplied her alcohol. I had extensive conversations with her and felt we were making some breakthroughs. We were looking into sending her out of state for an inpatient program, but she adamantly refused stating she needed to do this herself, knew all the coping strategies and wanted to do it on her own (yes, I know many who read this agree, this was the addict talking). Slowly we starting weaning her back into her home life including AA meetings and getting her a cellphone to call us, her family, should an urge to drink arise. On day 29 of sobriety, she drank "a beer." I was devastated.
That night we went to their house, sat down and I assertively voiced my thoughts and opinions with her and told her the next stop was either an inpatient treatment program for 30 days or a women's shelter. She once again adamantly denied the offer, so we left on that note.
She remained sober again for another 30 days. Then on day 30, she went to the neighbor's house and had "a 24-oz malt beer with 12% alcohol." She was almost bragging it felt like when she told me what she did. She claimed to be at an AA meeting, but I was a step ahead and had the Family Locator on her cellphone and tracked her to the neighbor's house. She refused and to this day denies being at his house, but we know the truth.
So once again we are faced with another slip up. Unfortunately, her husband who HAS been involved in this situation, I feel, greatly, but you can tell he's tired of being kicked in the teeth, is having surgery tomorrow and will need assistance at home for 3 months to take care of their 3 large-sized dogs. Myself and boyfriend, of course, are going to help, but we have daytime jobs and can't take time off to be more of help.
This is the first time I've ever written a blog or reached out for help using the internet, I apologize for being so long-winded.
I want help for Donna. I want her to be happy with life, live to watch her son and I get married, be there in the delivery room when her first grandchild is born and most importantly be sober and happy!! I love this woman as if she was my own mother.
She adamantly refuses inpatient or outpatient programs. She goes to AA meetings, though not as often as I feel she should, which is Monday-Friday and church on Sunday.
What can I do? My biggest fear, which I am sure many people who have alcoholics as siblings, parents, husbands, wives or the dearest of friends, is she die from this disease. I've told myself since day 1 of becoming involved in this situation I want to give Donna every opportunity we can, that way if something did happen to her, I can lie my head down on my pillow at night and know I tried everything I could.
If anyone can take the time to give me feedback, tell me your story, give advice and/or guidance, it would truly from the bottom of my broken heart be appreciated.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Read the stickies at the top of this page. And, note how enmeshed you've gotten yourself in her and her drinking (clear sign of codependency and passive/aggressive controlling). You were devastated because she drank? You are tracking her physical location? You're tracking her sobriety? She's an adult woman! Good God.
Please consider getting yourself to an Alanon meeting and quickly. This is an emergency.
Wow.
Please consider getting yourself to an Alanon meeting and quickly. This is an emergency.
Wow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My advice is to start going to Al-Anon meetings. One of the first concepts are the 3 C's.
We didn’t Cause someone else’s alcoholism,
We cannot Control someone else’s alcoholism,
We cannot Cure Alcoholism.
Move your focus off of her (whom you have zero control over) and onto yourself (whom you have complete control over).
If there was something we could do about a loved one's alcoholism we'd have all done it. You can lie your head down every night and know that you have done all you could and Al-Anon will help you get there.
I also read (and re-read and still read) the stickies at the top. There is so much good information up there.
'Co-Dependent No More' is also a very good book.
Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. I have found it really helps.
ETA: The stories are all very similar. We try everything to change our alcoholics. We keep trying and trying until we become lost, confused, angry, afraid, and exhausted.. Then, if we are lucky, we figure out that the person we need to change is ourselves. That is the path to acceptance, peace, serenity, and how we become the person we, and our loved ones, need and deserve.
We didn’t Cause someone else’s alcoholism,
We cannot Control someone else’s alcoholism,
We cannot Cure Alcoholism.
Move your focus off of her (whom you have zero control over) and onto yourself (whom you have complete control over).
If there was something we could do about a loved one's alcoholism we'd have all done it. You can lie your head down every night and know that you have done all you could and Al-Anon will help you get there.
I also read (and re-read and still read) the stickies at the top. There is so much good information up there.
'Co-Dependent No More' is also a very good book.
Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. I have found it really helps.
ETA: The stories are all very similar. We try everything to change our alcoholics. We keep trying and trying until we become lost, confused, angry, afraid, and exhausted.. Then, if we are lucky, we figure out that the person we need to change is ourselves. That is the path to acceptance, peace, serenity, and how we become the person we, and our loved ones, need and deserve.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"What can I do?"
Welcome! You can read and educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.
You've already dipped your toe into the insanity of trying to help an addict. The longer you try to help them the crazier it will get.
I also suggest you attend a AlAnon meeting. This board as well as AlAnon were lifesavers for me.
Welcome! You can read and educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.
You've already dipped your toe into the insanity of trying to help an addict. The longer you try to help them the crazier it will get.
I also suggest you attend a AlAnon meeting. This board as well as AlAnon were lifesavers for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
We tend to start here wanting to help and fix.
Unfortunately, we can't control them, darn it!
Really, we can't.
Melody Beattie has a great section in her book about how we THINK we know what is best for our alcoholic whomever-it-is, but who are we to play god? Who are we to think we know what is best for another human? We don't. And it disrespects them to assume so. They get to make their OWN choices in life as adults. If they want to drink or drug or abuse or gamble or whatever they choose, they get to. To try to force/guilt/control/manage/help them do otherwise is to take away their right to their own choices and own life.
For me, that new perspective was very helpful. Because OBVIOUSLY if he is lying and drinking, it is terrible and if he would STOP we could go back to a happy, family life. But who am I to say what is terrible for him?
Alanon talks about recognizing we are powerless over this issue/other person. The work (for us) is to hand the person we are fussing over back over to our Higher Power (whatever that is for us) and TRUST that the universe will play out as it should without us trying to control it.
The great thing about that is we can LET GO. We can relax. We can breathe again. We can go on vacation. We can stop worrying. We can take care of our own life.
It requires a great amount of willpower to stop. It requires a great amount of trust that it is okay for life to do what it will.
What we know is that we have power over ourselves to make choices.
We don't have power over others. When we force them to do what WE think is best, it very often backfires.
So let go. Let go. Let go some more. Take care of you.
Try some Alanon meetings. They are wonderfully supportive. And read Melody Beattie.
Stick around and lots of hugs.
peace
We tend to start here wanting to help and fix.
Unfortunately, we can't control them, darn it!
Really, we can't.
Melody Beattie has a great section in her book about how we THINK we know what is best for our alcoholic whomever-it-is, but who are we to play god? Who are we to think we know what is best for another human? We don't. And it disrespects them to assume so. They get to make their OWN choices in life as adults. If they want to drink or drug or abuse or gamble or whatever they choose, they get to. To try to force/guilt/control/manage/help them do otherwise is to take away their right to their own choices and own life.
For me, that new perspective was very helpful. Because OBVIOUSLY if he is lying and drinking, it is terrible and if he would STOP we could go back to a happy, family life. But who am I to say what is terrible for him?
Alanon talks about recognizing we are powerless over this issue/other person. The work (for us) is to hand the person we are fussing over back over to our Higher Power (whatever that is for us) and TRUST that the universe will play out as it should without us trying to control it.
The great thing about that is we can LET GO. We can relax. We can breathe again. We can go on vacation. We can stop worrying. We can take care of our own life.
It requires a great amount of willpower to stop. It requires a great amount of trust that it is okay for life to do what it will.
What we know is that we have power over ourselves to make choices.
We don't have power over others. When we force them to do what WE think is best, it very often backfires.
So let go. Let go. Let go some more. Take care of you.
Try some Alanon meetings. They are wonderfully supportive. And read Melody Beattie.
Stick around and lots of hugs.
peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi and welcome.
I hope you keep coming back to SR again and again. Don't feel bad about posting ad nauseum; we've all done it at one time or another. Though you may have come to SR to talk about Donna, SR will slowly become about *you*, the most important person in your life.
Please find some Al-Anon meetings and attend a few...or more than a few. You need real time support to deal with this situation.
I hope you keep coming back to SR again and again. Don't feel bad about posting ad nauseum; we've all done it at one time or another. Though you may have come to SR to talk about Donna, SR will slowly become about *you*, the most important person in your life.
Please find some Al-Anon meetings and attend a few...or more than a few. You need real time support to deal with this situation.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Hope, and Welcome to SR!!!
I'm really so sorry to hear about what brings you here, but you have found a wonderful place! Please stick around, read as much as you can, educate yourself as much as you can about this horrible disease of addiction.
I can only just imagine how exhausted you and your BF are trying to protect this woman from herself. But as you have discovered, there is really nothing you can do because you are simply not that powerful. If love could cure addiction, not one single person would be here.
One of the primary things we learn about in the rooms of Al-Anon meetings as well as here......the 3 C's that Thumper mentioned in her post. For those of use who care about someone in active addiction these are both extraordinarily frustrating....and extraordinarily freeing as well. Guess what? It's not your fault and not your responsibility!!!!
I hope that you will consider returning your focus to yourself and your life. Plan your life with your BF and the future you two want. Your future MIL must decide for herself that she is done with drinking. Can you allow her the dignity to be an adult? Can you allow her to make her own decision and live with the consequences of those decisions? You certainly can encourage her to do the "next right thing" without trying to control the outcome.
I hope you will stick around! Hugs, HG
I'm really so sorry to hear about what brings you here, but you have found a wonderful place! Please stick around, read as much as you can, educate yourself as much as you can about this horrible disease of addiction.
I can only just imagine how exhausted you and your BF are trying to protect this woman from herself. But as you have discovered, there is really nothing you can do because you are simply not that powerful. If love could cure addiction, not one single person would be here.
One of the primary things we learn about in the rooms of Al-Anon meetings as well as here......the 3 C's that Thumper mentioned in her post. For those of use who care about someone in active addiction these are both extraordinarily frustrating....and extraordinarily freeing as well. Guess what? It's not your fault and not your responsibility!!!!
I hope that you will consider returning your focus to yourself and your life. Plan your life with your BF and the future you two want. Your future MIL must decide for herself that she is done with drinking. Can you allow her the dignity to be an adult? Can you allow her to make her own decision and live with the consequences of those decisions? You certainly can encourage her to do the "next right thing" without trying to control the outcome.
I hope you will stick around! Hugs, HG
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome,
There's little I can add to the great words already here. Love just ain't enough to beat this disease. What it requires is wholehearted commitment from the alcoholic for his/her own sake.
Tracking, confonting, pleading, giving ultimatums doesn't get anyone sober. But it can put YOU in the nuthouse.
Stick around, glad you're here.
There's little I can add to the great words already here. Love just ain't enough to beat this disease. What it requires is wholehearted commitment from the alcoholic for his/her own sake.
Tracking, confonting, pleading, giving ultimatums doesn't get anyone sober. But it can put YOU in the nuthouse.
Stick around, glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4
Seeking The "How"
First off, I'd like to say thank you for thoughts, advice and most importantly, the truth.
Yes, I agree with those that I am in need of Al-Anon and have taken drastic, to some unnecessary steps (i.e., Family Locator, which has a story behind itself, I'll explain below) and yes, I will wind up in the "nut" house.
I want to clear up the Family Locator to those who commented about it. Donna has been known to blackout and disappear, sometimes on foot and sometimes driving (which she no longer does). We have spent nights looking for her to find her in a ditch (on foot) or even in a deserted driveway (passed out behind the wheel). We, the family, knowing if this were to happen again have a tool to use to find her. Yes, drastic and to some unnecessary, but that is our decision and it helps us, my boyfriend, his father and I while we are at work bring us "some" peace.
I also wanted to explain another comment someone made about me being "devastated" because "she" drank. I was devastated not so much because she drank cause I knew the truth.. It was bound to happen (but I was holding out a smidgen of hope).. But devastated by the look on her husband and son's faces was heartbreaking. They are tired. They are tired of being lied to, kicked in their teeth, betrayed, etc., etc. My love and my willingness to get in this situation wasn't all for Donna (truth be told), but more for her family, which has brought myself, his dad and my boyfriend the closest I could have ever imagined.
I have never in my life dealt with any situation even remotely similar to what I have immersed myself in. I am a very compassionate person, one who would give not only the shirt off my back, but my coat to someone in greater need than myself.
The one thing I heard by reading your comments is "let go." "I didn't cause her to drink." "It's her decision." This hit me like a ton of bricks, the truth. You are absolutely right. I cannot and should not "control" the situation. My question to those who have had to or are doing "how do we let go?" These are our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers or even our own flesh-and-blood. "How?"
I have made a few appointments myself to speak with a certified therapist as well as my pastor at church to help "me" get through this.
You are right, Donna is going to do what she wants, I can't stop her, I can't control her. I am repeating this over and over in the hopes of it sinking in to my thick head and I hope by reaching out to this website, Al-Anon, my pastor and my certified counselor, I can help myself as well as boyfriend and his father find peace and understanding spiritually and physically.
Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read this and have taken the time to comment. It is truly from the bottom of my heart appreciated.
Yes, I agree with those that I am in need of Al-Anon and have taken drastic, to some unnecessary steps (i.e., Family Locator, which has a story behind itself, I'll explain below) and yes, I will wind up in the "nut" house.
I want to clear up the Family Locator to those who commented about it. Donna has been known to blackout and disappear, sometimes on foot and sometimes driving (which she no longer does). We have spent nights looking for her to find her in a ditch (on foot) or even in a deserted driveway (passed out behind the wheel). We, the family, knowing if this were to happen again have a tool to use to find her. Yes, drastic and to some unnecessary, but that is our decision and it helps us, my boyfriend, his father and I while we are at work bring us "some" peace.
I also wanted to explain another comment someone made about me being "devastated" because "she" drank. I was devastated not so much because she drank cause I knew the truth.. It was bound to happen (but I was holding out a smidgen of hope).. But devastated by the look on her husband and son's faces was heartbreaking. They are tired. They are tired of being lied to, kicked in their teeth, betrayed, etc., etc. My love and my willingness to get in this situation wasn't all for Donna (truth be told), but more for her family, which has brought myself, his dad and my boyfriend the closest I could have ever imagined.
I have never in my life dealt with any situation even remotely similar to what I have immersed myself in. I am a very compassionate person, one who would give not only the shirt off my back, but my coat to someone in greater need than myself.
The one thing I heard by reading your comments is "let go." "I didn't cause her to drink." "It's her decision." This hit me like a ton of bricks, the truth. You are absolutely right. I cannot and should not "control" the situation. My question to those who have had to or are doing "how do we let go?" These are our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers or even our own flesh-and-blood. "How?"
I have made a few appointments myself to speak with a certified therapist as well as my pastor at church to help "me" get through this.
You are right, Donna is going to do what she wants, I can't stop her, I can't control her. I am repeating this over and over in the hopes of it sinking in to my thick head and I hope by reaching out to this website, Al-Anon, my pastor and my certified counselor, I can help myself as well as boyfriend and his father find peace and understanding spiritually and physically.
Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read this and have taken the time to comment. It is truly from the bottom of my heart appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by HopeForDonna 
You are right, Donna is going to do what she wants, I can't stop her, I can't control her. I am repeating this over and over in the hopes of it sinking in to my thick head and I hope by reaching out to this website, Al-Anon, my pastor and my certified counselor, I can help myself as well as boyfriend and his father find peace and understanding spiritually and physically.
That is exactly what will work!
Your boyfriend and his father have to get their on their own. It is an inside job. You can be a shining example.
Keep posting and reading!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"I have never in my life dealt with any situation even remotely similar to what I have immersed myself in."
Here you described me exactly. I had to absorbe the truth in stages. First I realized the extent of his problem and how much I had been lied to, etc. Then I had to accept that NOTHING I could do would change it. I could only control myself and my attempts to help him were actually enabling and keeping him from finding his bottom. I have also come to accept that alcoholism may kill him. And I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. So I have decided to "let go and let God" and it feels very freeing.
"My question to those who have had to or are doing "how do we let go?" These are our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers or even our own flesh-and-blood. "How?""
Because it is the right thing to do and because we have no control over the situation. AlAnon helped me come to grips with this. When you read all of the books on the subject that you can find and talk to everyone that has been in the same situation and read everything on this board that you can you will see that your old ways of doing things (rescuing, helping...) are not helping at all and may actually be keeping her from finding her "bottom". I understand it now but I didn't for a long time.
If she wakes up in a ditch by herself it just might be what caues her to seek sobriety.
Here you described me exactly. I had to absorbe the truth in stages. First I realized the extent of his problem and how much I had been lied to, etc. Then I had to accept that NOTHING I could do would change it. I could only control myself and my attempts to help him were actually enabling and keeping him from finding his bottom. I have also come to accept that alcoholism may kill him. And I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. So I have decided to "let go and let God" and it feels very freeing.
"My question to those who have had to or are doing "how do we let go?" These are our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers or even our own flesh-and-blood. "How?""
Because it is the right thing to do and because we have no control over the situation. AlAnon helped me come to grips with this. When you read all of the books on the subject that you can find and talk to everyone that has been in the same situation and read everything on this board that you can you will see that your old ways of doing things (rescuing, helping...) are not helping at all and may actually be keeping her from finding her "bottom". I understand it now but I didn't for a long time.
If she wakes up in a ditch by herself it just might be what caues her to seek sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4
MY Goals
Today, I did a lot of positive research, made phone calls and even called Silent Unity for an over-the-phone prayer, which will be prayed for 30 days.
I called Al-Anon and got valuable information and guidance regarding the program, got on their website and printed off the county we live in meetings. I am very much open to changing myself for the positive and get out of this depression, sadness and hopelessness feeling I've carried for months. Again, as my earlier post stated, I can't control Donna. I cannot control the situation. The only problem I can control is myself and I need to be healthy emotionally and physically and let go
Tomorrow is a new day. I am looking forward to speaking with my pastor and gaining spiritual guidance into this difficult process of letting go.
Thanks again all!
I called Al-Anon and got valuable information and guidance regarding the program, got on their website and printed off the county we live in meetings. I am very much open to changing myself for the positive and get out of this depression, sadness and hopelessness feeling I've carried for months. Again, as my earlier post stated, I can't control Donna. I cannot control the situation. The only problem I can control is myself and I need to be healthy emotionally and physically and let go
Tomorrow is a new day. I am looking forward to speaking with my pastor and gaining spiritual guidance into this difficult process of letting go.
Thanks again all!
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