need some advice! please!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
need some advice! please!
my bf likes to go out to the bar as much as he can... sometimes he even misses work because of it. when he goes to the bar his friends encourage him and he cannot just casually drink a couple drinks, he must get really drunk. he says that it is fun and he needs to do it.
this only started a year ago when we hit a rough spot in our relationship and broke up. he has suffered from depression for years as well as anxiety and a gambling addiction. me leaving pushed him over the edge and he turned to drinking with his buddies. i thought when we got back together it would stop.
he tells me he needs alcohol and when i ask him to not go out as much he gets defensive and says i am trying to control him. he is in his early 20s, but i don't think its a phase. he knows he is self-medicating for his depression and anxiety but says he "has it under control".
I feel like his gambling addiction has transferred into an alochol addiction. i also think that losing me was a lot because you could say he was "addicted" to me...
i am just afraid that this will turn into an alcoholism (if its not already) and won't end until he hits rock bottom like he had with his gambling addiction when he lost everything.
he thinks its not a big deal and that he has it under control. mostly because his friends do it, but they don't suffer from depression, anxiety, and a gambling addiction. and they do it for fun, not because they feel they have to...
is there anything i can do? he also doesn't have insurance so he cant go to therapy or medication to get the proper help for his depression and anxiety... please help. i love him and want a future for us. i dont want to lose him to alcohol...
this only started a year ago when we hit a rough spot in our relationship and broke up. he has suffered from depression for years as well as anxiety and a gambling addiction. me leaving pushed him over the edge and he turned to drinking with his buddies. i thought when we got back together it would stop.
he tells me he needs alcohol and when i ask him to not go out as much he gets defensive and says i am trying to control him. he is in his early 20s, but i don't think its a phase. he knows he is self-medicating for his depression and anxiety but says he "has it under control".
I feel like his gambling addiction has transferred into an alochol addiction. i also think that losing me was a lot because you could say he was "addicted" to me...
i am just afraid that this will turn into an alcoholism (if its not already) and won't end until he hits rock bottom like he had with his gambling addiction when he lost everything.
he thinks its not a big deal and that he has it under control. mostly because his friends do it, but they don't suffer from depression, anxiety, and a gambling addiction. and they do it for fun, not because they feel they have to...
is there anything i can do? he also doesn't have insurance so he cant go to therapy or medication to get the proper help for his depression and anxiety... please help. i love him and want a future for us. i dont want to lose him to alcohol...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
oh and also...
i know everyone says the person must want help... but is this early enough to still talk some sense into him? i dont think he is physically addicted... the only mental addiction he has is that he needs it to help with depression and anxiety.
also, the scariest part is that he IS actually a lot happier now that he drinks... when he is drunk and sober he is just all around more relaxed, less stressed and happier... so what do i do? i feel like i am taking away his happiness. even though it is really unhealthy...
i know everyone says the person must want help... but is this early enough to still talk some sense into him? i dont think he is physically addicted... the only mental addiction he has is that he needs it to help with depression and anxiety.
also, the scariest part is that he IS actually a lot happier now that he drinks... when he is drunk and sober he is just all around more relaxed, less stressed and happier... so what do i do? i feel like i am taking away his happiness. even though it is really unhealthy...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
To answer your question, he's a grown man, and it's not your job to talk some sense into him. He is going to do (and it sounds like he already does) whatever he wants to do. Saying that it is too late would imply that you could have done it earlier. Which you couldn't have.
The only thing you can do is decide if you want to be a part of the life he is living. That's pretty much where you're ability to change anything ends... your part in it. Like you said, he's happier this way. But what about you? Can you accept living the way you are? Some people can, some people can't.
Also,
you can't Control it
you didn't Cause it
you can't Cure it
Many addicts will blame their Significant Other for their drinking/using. Truth is, when we leave, it's almost like they go back to being who they want to be, instead of trying to be who they thought they needed to be to keep us around. Does that make sense?
If he's telling you that he 'needs it', that's what I like to call a red flag.
Please keep reading here, you'll find lots of support, and many similar stories to yours.
There's stickies at the top of the forum, good threads that have been saved for easy viewing, there's alot of stuff in there that helped me alot.
The only thing you can do is decide if you want to be a part of the life he is living. That's pretty much where you're ability to change anything ends... your part in it. Like you said, he's happier this way. But what about you? Can you accept living the way you are? Some people can, some people can't.
Also,
you can't Control it
you didn't Cause it
you can't Cure it
Many addicts will blame their Significant Other for their drinking/using. Truth is, when we leave, it's almost like they go back to being who they want to be, instead of trying to be who they thought they needed to be to keep us around. Does that make sense?
If he's telling you that he 'needs it', that's what I like to call a red flag.
Please keep reading here, you'll find lots of support, and many similar stories to yours.
There's stickies at the top of the forum, good threads that have been saved for easy viewing, there's alot of stuff in there that helped me alot.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi mini
This is a great article:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction.
This is a great article:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Taking charge,
Just wanted to say a quick thankyou for that link!
It is very helpful. It validates not only what I'm going through now, but my feeings about my childhood as well!
Mini,
Definitley read that link. I think it will help. And please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for his drinking. Listen to the people here. It's all in his control, not yours.
Just wanted to say a quick thankyou for that link!
It is very helpful. It validates not only what I'm going through now, but my feeings about my childhood as well!
Mini,
Definitley read that link. I think it will help. And please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for his drinking. Listen to the people here. It's all in his control, not yours.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A lot of people believe they were alcoholics from their very first drink. It isn't physical addiction (in the sense of getting withdrawal symptoms) that makes someone an alcoholic. Your bf is showing the classic signs.
It isn't relationship problems, and it isn't his friends that is the problem.
I suggest you find yourself an Al-Anon meeting and start going.
It isn't relationship problems, and it isn't his friends that is the problem.
I suggest you find yourself an Al-Anon meeting and start going.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
You are SOOOO lucky to be asking these questions now, in your early 20s. Get as educated as possible about addiction. This site, that link that Taking Charge put up. The thing to remember is you are not his mother, and even if you were, you still would not be able to influence his decisions. You just gotta keep yourself respected. Think about your dream relationship. How does he treat you? Compare that to how your actual boyfriend treats you and tell me if it's acceptable. Keep yourself strong and have an exit (do you have money to get your own place? If you don't start saving for it). On the nights he's at a bar, make plans with your friends. They'll talk sense into you when you need it most. Keep your family close, too. Tell them about it. Just keep talking!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
thank you all so much for the replies (esp to takingcharge for the link) and i am thankful that others found this thread useful.
REDF - to answer your question, i do have the means and resources to leave him if it comes down to that. i hope it never will, and i honestly can say that i do not know if i could bring myself to do it though.
i have been reading up a lot lately on how to not enable him and about detachment that have been very helpful as well.
i approached him last night while he was sober and reminded him that no one is condoning his behavior. i also reminded him of his supporters that love and care about him and we will not let him be to destroy his life. i think what hit him the hardest was me bringing up that we all stood by and watched him spiral down with the gambling addiction and it would really hurt us all to seem him repeat that with drinking. i think i may have got to him a little, but i know it will most likely not be enough. i think i will let it go with that for a while and see if any of it really sinks in.
although i did find out today that if he gets a dui he cannot work at his job anymore unless he gets couselling and his job's own version of AA. i am shocked he hasnt gotten one so far but i can forsee it happening in the near future. i am just wondering if this couselling could be the answer? i know he will need to want to get help, and with this job i know he will want to go so he can get back to work. is that enough?
i guess all i can do now is hope that either what i said really has an affect or he gets a dui before he kills himself or someone else.
Thanks again
REDF - to answer your question, i do have the means and resources to leave him if it comes down to that. i hope it never will, and i honestly can say that i do not know if i could bring myself to do it though.
i have been reading up a lot lately on how to not enable him and about detachment that have been very helpful as well.
i approached him last night while he was sober and reminded him that no one is condoning his behavior. i also reminded him of his supporters that love and care about him and we will not let him be to destroy his life. i think what hit him the hardest was me bringing up that we all stood by and watched him spiral down with the gambling addiction and it would really hurt us all to seem him repeat that with drinking. i think i may have got to him a little, but i know it will most likely not be enough. i think i will let it go with that for a while and see if any of it really sinks in.
although i did find out today that if he gets a dui he cannot work at his job anymore unless he gets couselling and his job's own version of AA. i am shocked he hasnt gotten one so far but i can forsee it happening in the near future. i am just wondering if this couselling could be the answer? i know he will need to want to get help, and with this job i know he will want to go so he can get back to work. is that enough?
i guess all i can do now is hope that either what i said really has an affect or he gets a dui before he kills himself or someone else.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Mini44, the answer for you is to stop focusing on him and start living your life for you. There is no answer to "fix" his situation that anyone of us have to offer you. If we did have that - believe me - we'd be on Oprah with bestsellers, not on SR trying to piece our lives back together.
You sound young - does what you have today the vision of your ideal future? Or are you banking on the potential of what you THINK he can be, if only he's stop (fill in the blank).
Al-Anon is very helpful, as is this forum, and many, many books on the subject. Educate yourself, because staying in this kind of destructive relationship is your choice, and you will need all the tools you can gather to not drown in his addictions.
You sound young - does what you have today the vision of your ideal future? Or are you banking on the potential of what you THINK he can be, if only he's stop (fill in the blank).
Al-Anon is very helpful, as is this forum, and many, many books on the subject. Educate yourself, because staying in this kind of destructive relationship is your choice, and you will need all the tools you can gather to not drown in his addictions.
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