Should I stay or should I go
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
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I am in the same exact position and have finally decided to leave. My sanity depends on it. It is very hard but our futures depend on it. I so not want to live another 20 years on this rollercoaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
It will take a bit to figure this all out. I'll resume Al-Anon hang here and see. I'm fortunate that the only thing holding me back is the love for my wife. The financial and family part is not an issue. Kids are all grown and pretty much doing their own thing. Even though our youngest is in rehab for narcotics, he seems to be doing well right now.
Dealing with 2 sons and my wifes addictions have been interesting to say the least. However the oldest is doing great and has been clean and sober for 3 years. He is the one I never expected to make it but is doing the best right now.
Dealing with 2 sons and my wifes addictions have been interesting to say the least. However the oldest is doing great and has been clean and sober for 3 years. He is the one I never expected to make it but is doing the best right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Maybe the first step would be to set up some practical boundaries for yourself beyond threats of ending the marriage. I think it doesn't have to be stay or leave at this point because you seem more disappointed and disillusioned with her ability to commit to recovery. It may or may not happen. But that doesn't mean you can't really have boundaries that you adhere to.
Not sure how you handle things financially but that is always a good start when it comes to setting a practical boundaries (she is responsible to fund her legal fees and follow through -- if she can't then you have to resist the urge to step in).
Not helping her to get her license back or with any DMV issues. Maybe take the car away altogether (taking her off the insurance). These are just some suggestions of what I'd do if I were in your situation. It will also make you feel less like you are enabling.
If that doesn't work then the next step would be to leave if you feel you need to. Testing the waters with some pretty strict boundaries is a realistic start I think from what you've said. Real boundaries and let her face the consequences if she cannot follow through. Resist the urge to cover for her or make the reprecussions softer.
Not sure how you handle things financially but that is always a good start when it comes to setting a practical boundaries (she is responsible to fund her legal fees and follow through -- if she can't then you have to resist the urge to step in).
Not helping her to get her license back or with any DMV issues. Maybe take the car away altogether (taking her off the insurance). These are just some suggestions of what I'd do if I were in your situation. It will also make you feel less like you are enabling.
If that doesn't work then the next step would be to leave if you feel you need to. Testing the waters with some pretty strict boundaries is a realistic start I think from what you've said. Real boundaries and let her face the consequences if she cannot follow through. Resist the urge to cover for her or make the reprecussions softer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
At this point strict boundaries are moot. I've tried and they all fail. It's a matter of acceptance or moving on. The car is not going to be an issue, the state is taking care of that. She won't be on the road for a minimum of 2 years possibly up to 10 depending on how things roll. I am confident she won't drive since prison is not something she is ready for. Even though after this incident she may spend time there.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Oh ok.. so you are at a crossroads then.
Sometimes asking questions like to stay or leave almost is the answer itself.
Meaning asking the question is our way of trying to start to accept the inevitible.
Sometimes asking questions like to stay or leave almost is the answer itself.
Meaning asking the question is our way of trying to start to accept the inevitible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Babyblue 
Oh ok.. so you are at a crossroads then.
Sometimes asking questions like to stay or leave almost is the answer itself.
Meaning asking the question is our way of trying to start to accept the inevitible.
Sometimes asking questions like to stay or leave almost is the answer itself.
Meaning asking the question is our way of trying to start to accept the inevitible.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Fixer - You have taken a big step in at least having courage to look at the issue honestly. Nothing has to be decided today, next week or even this year. You'll know when you know. Half the battle is won when the walls of denial come down. For me, once that is done there is no building them back up again and I hope the same for you.
As 'they' say, more will be revealed.
As 'they' say, more will be revealed.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi fixer, and welcome!
Lots of great thoughts already posted.
Here's my story... I've been with my husband for 10 yrs, married for 7. Drinking was an issue from the very beginning, but I stayed because I hoped. I hoped that marriage would settle him down... I hoped the a mortgage would make him be more fiscally responsible... I hope kids would magically turn him into the sober family man that I so desperately wanted.
I joined al-anon back in 2005 (and SR too, so you can go read my old posts and see my recovery progress!!). I joined al-anon because I wanted to do my part. I wanted to make sure that if the marriage fell apart... It wasn't going to be the lack of effort on part. I focused on me, I detached from the drinking. I was an ace at being happy joyous and free, no matter what husband did.
And life was good, really good. We have two amazing children, whom we both work very hard on being good parents for. But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it crept up on me, and flourished out of control over the last 6 months.
A major boundary was crossed and the pain of staying far outweighed the pain of leaving. So, as much as it hurts me, for me, the right thing to do is divorce. I've initiated the process, and am taking in one step at a time.
I still love my husband, and respect him as the father of my children... But who he is today, is not what I want for a husband. It's not healthy for me, and I deserve better for my life.
Take what you like, and leave the rest!
Shannon
Lots of great thoughts already posted.
Here's my story... I've been with my husband for 10 yrs, married for 7. Drinking was an issue from the very beginning, but I stayed because I hoped. I hoped that marriage would settle him down... I hoped the a mortgage would make him be more fiscally responsible... I hope kids would magically turn him into the sober family man that I so desperately wanted.
I joined al-anon back in 2005 (and SR too, so you can go read my old posts and see my recovery progress!!). I joined al-anon because I wanted to do my part. I wanted to make sure that if the marriage fell apart... It wasn't going to be the lack of effort on part. I focused on me, I detached from the drinking. I was an ace at being happy joyous and free, no matter what husband did.
And life was good, really good. We have two amazing children, whom we both work very hard on being good parents for. But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it crept up on me, and flourished out of control over the last 6 months.
A major boundary was crossed and the pain of staying far outweighed the pain of leaving. So, as much as it hurts me, for me, the right thing to do is divorce. I've initiated the process, and am taking in one step at a time.
I still love my husband, and respect him as the father of my children... But who he is today, is not what I want for a husband. It's not healthy for me, and I deserve better for my life.
Take what you like, and leave the rest!
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
Thanks for everyone's responses so far. This has been extremely helpful for me to start getting my thoughts and plans in order (and I do mean plans, one for staying and one for going). There is enough going on right now a decision can wait a bit. Just keep in a good frame of mind and dare I say take one day at a time. Keep the comments coming and I'll keep you all up to date. Not sure if I can offer any real advice since I'm so new here but I will offer encouragement. Nice to have an emotional/non computer/automotive/motorcycle/home improvement forum to through ideas around.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
A tool that I have found extremely helpful to me when making a life changing decision is the "Pro/Con" list.
In your case I would do two of them. One list on "Staying" and one list on "Leaving."
Two separate pieces of paper that you will probably work on for weeks or maybe months.
I have just found it very helpful to calm my brain by making a 'pro/con' list so that I could see in black and white the good and bad of a particular situation.
I hope this might help you in your ongoing struggles about what is going on in your life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
In your case I would do two of them. One list on "Staying" and one list on "Leaving."
Two separate pieces of paper that you will probably work on for weeks or maybe months.
I have just found it very helpful to calm my brain by making a 'pro/con' list so that I could see in black and white the good and bad of a particular situation.
I hope this might help you in your ongoing struggles about what is going on in your life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by fixer
I just don't think I can fix this..
Your wife is the only person with a chance to "fix" this. And it's not something you fix - it's something to which you adjust. I am and always will be an alcoholic, nothing will change that, not wishful thinking, not supportive mates, not therapy and not AA. If your wife has been in AA for a significant period of time, maybe she still harbors that hope against hope that she can drink normally again. I don't know her so it's a waste of our collective time to guess, but you do see folks in the rooms who just don't seem to get it. Being an alcoholic hurts their pride, takes away their escape hatch, doesn't mesh with their view of themselves, or whatever. But in some people, the only way they get sober is to keep hitting bottom that those rationalizations fall away because it is no longer possible to whistle past the graveyard and think that the disease will go away.
And, unfortunately, for whatever reason some people can't or won't stop drinking. They die active alcoholics, and of that I can speak - my mother died that way. I love and miss her, but don't miss the person she became towards the end of her life.
We each have a limited amount of time here, and we are responsible for how we spend our lives and the decisions we make that define how that short time turns out. I don't know how you explain this to your wife, or even if you should if you have decided you must move on. But this is your life and your decision. Kicking the can down the road is an option, and if nothing changes, well - nothing changes, and that was your choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
You can't.
Your wife is the only person with a chance to "fix" this. And it's not something you fix - it's something to which you adjust. I am and always will be an alcoholic, nothing will change that, not wishful thinking, not supportive mates, not therapy and not AA. If your wife has been in AA for a significant period of time, maybe she still harbors that hope against hope that she can drink normally again. I don't know her so it's a waste of our collective time to guess, but you do see folks in the rooms who just don't seem to get it. Being an alcoholic hurts their pride, takes away their escape hatch, doesn't mesh with their view of themselves, or whatever. But in some people, the only way they get sober is to keep hitting bottom that those rationalizations fall away because it is no longer possible to whistle past the graveyard and think that the disease will go away.
And, unfortunately, for whatever reason some people can't or won't stop drinking. They die active alcoholics, and of that I can speak - my mother died that way. I love and miss her, but don't miss the person she became towards the end of her life.
We each have a limited amount of time here, and we are responsible for how we spend our lives and the decisions we make that define how that short time turns out. I don't know how you explain this to your wife, or even if you should if you have decided you must move on. But this is your life and your decision. Kicking the can down the road is an option, and if nothing changes, well - nothing changes, and that was your choice.
Your wife is the only person with a chance to "fix" this. And it's not something you fix - it's something to which you adjust. I am and always will be an alcoholic, nothing will change that, not wishful thinking, not supportive mates, not therapy and not AA. If your wife has been in AA for a significant period of time, maybe she still harbors that hope against hope that she can drink normally again. I don't know her so it's a waste of our collective time to guess, but you do see folks in the rooms who just don't seem to get it. Being an alcoholic hurts their pride, takes away their escape hatch, doesn't mesh with their view of themselves, or whatever. But in some people, the only way they get sober is to keep hitting bottom that those rationalizations fall away because it is no longer possible to whistle past the graveyard and think that the disease will go away.
And, unfortunately, for whatever reason some people can't or won't stop drinking. They die active alcoholics, and of that I can speak - my mother died that way. I love and miss her, but don't miss the person she became towards the end of her life.
We each have a limited amount of time here, and we are responsible for how we spend our lives and the decisions we make that define how that short time turns out. I don't know how you explain this to your wife, or even if you should if you have decided you must move on. But this is your life and your decision. Kicking the can down the road is an option, and if nothing changes, well - nothing changes, and that was your choice.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by fixer
Thanks for this prospective and I have to agree with what you are saying. On the surface she accepts her condition, deep down inside I don't think so. This incident is another wake up call for both of us. Is it the one that leads to a "one day at a time" commitment, and do I want to stay around to find out is the question I'm grappling with. It's a tough one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
My wife is understanding to the situation and the conversation is on going. I'm not worried financially. All our children are grown, and we have plenty of equity to split, our 401ks are in good shape. If everything is halved, which is what I would expect neither of us will have to worry.
The only issue will be if she can keep her job, and that is dependent on the courts. It's either going to be 14 days (not an issue with her boss) or 150 days (could be an issue) away from work. If she loses her job, it will be tough for her in this economy. But that is something she has to deal with. She made her bed..
The only issue will be if she can keep her job, and that is dependent on the courts. It's either going to be 14 days (not an issue with her boss) or 150 days (could be an issue) away from work. If she loses her job, it will be tough for her in this economy. But that is something she has to deal with. She made her bed..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Surrey
Posts: 3
I hope this is of some help
Here is something I wrote I thought I would share it with others. It is true what is said about recovery. It is a "We" program because we are all in this together and when things get tough it is a good thing to share that toughness with another. The ego used to get in my way and say, "What will people think if you let them know how you really feel?", but I found that if I am to overcome hardships in recovery sharing it with another is very helpful. There is an old saying that goes like this, "Together we stand and divided we fall". There is safety and strength in groups. So thank the ego for sharing and let someone know when you are struggling.
January 1, 2009
To break the curse of my past read this upon my being found.
This is me Richard I have been found. I remember my past, but now it is time to live in the present. Now that I am here I will make use of what I learn from the people that found me. If I should ever become lost again, I will reach out to the ones that found me and ask them to embrace me. For those who have touched me I will hold them forever in my heart.
January 1, 2009
To break the curse of my past read this upon my being found.
This is me Richard I have been found. I remember my past, but now it is time to live in the present. Now that I am here I will make use of what I learn from the people that found me. If I should ever become lost again, I will reach out to the ones that found me and ask them to embrace me. For those who have touched me I will hold them forever in my heart.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
been there done that...
...there are a lot of really good posts on this thread and it's clear you are open minded and a thinker.
I'll tell you your situation with your wife is very resonant for me with me wife. I feel like I've been where you are now in our 13 year journey with alcoholism. I did a lot of enabling for a long, long time, and ultimately found myself feeling like I had to do something to save myself no matter how much I loved my wife.
So, I divorced her and moved out. I missed her, despite her drama, alcohol, and all that other ******** for the next two years. But, she had to live without me, the chief and master enabler, for that entire time.
She mustered up sobriety but not recovery for several months, and came to me and asked if I'd take her back. Foolishly, I did. She relapsed shortly thereafter and the roller coaster was running again. This time, to my credit, I continued working my Alanon program and really applied the principals in all of my affairs. This made it so I could live with wife while she was still drinking.
Fast forward to last year. She get's so drunk she almost dies and is hospitalized. $2,000 for the ambulance and the detox. Not enough to change her. Then she get's drunk and drives with our daughter and some friends in the car, gets pissed, and does something stupid. Jail this time, and felony charges. This was what it took for her to seek sobriety on her own. I didn't intervene or help in any of it. I protected my daughter and myself, but as wife was drowning I just watched.
It turns out she can swim if nobody helps her. Eight months later, after self-admitting to treatment and working AA as hard as she worked to drink, I find myself learning what it's like to have a sober wife. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's way better than drunk wife.
Guarantees? Nope. She could be getting drunk right now. Probably isn't, but could be. I don't really obsess about it much anymore, but I aspire to not obsessing at all.
Time for an Alanon meeting for me so I'll stop right here.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
I'll tell you your situation with your wife is very resonant for me with me wife. I feel like I've been where you are now in our 13 year journey with alcoholism. I did a lot of enabling for a long, long time, and ultimately found myself feeling like I had to do something to save myself no matter how much I loved my wife.
So, I divorced her and moved out. I missed her, despite her drama, alcohol, and all that other ******** for the next two years. But, she had to live without me, the chief and master enabler, for that entire time.
She mustered up sobriety but not recovery for several months, and came to me and asked if I'd take her back. Foolishly, I did. She relapsed shortly thereafter and the roller coaster was running again. This time, to my credit, I continued working my Alanon program and really applied the principals in all of my affairs. This made it so I could live with wife while she was still drinking.
Fast forward to last year. She get's so drunk she almost dies and is hospitalized. $2,000 for the ambulance and the detox. Not enough to change her. Then she get's drunk and drives with our daughter and some friends in the car, gets pissed, and does something stupid. Jail this time, and felony charges. This was what it took for her to seek sobriety on her own. I didn't intervene or help in any of it. I protected my daughter and myself, but as wife was drowning I just watched.
It turns out she can swim if nobody helps her. Eight months later, after self-admitting to treatment and working AA as hard as she worked to drink, I find myself learning what it's like to have a sober wife. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's way better than drunk wife.
Guarantees? Nope. She could be getting drunk right now. Probably isn't, but could be. I don't really obsess about it much anymore, but I aspire to not obsessing at all.
Time for an Alanon meeting for me so I'll stop right here.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 6
Fixer, I so know where you are. I have been married to my AH for 38+ years. There are so many things that he has done and so many times I gave him ultimatums that it would take a book to tell them all. For the past 19 years he has binge drank for a week twice a year. He got a DUI in that time. I left him 19 yrs ago and moved to another state but let him back in when he promised to do anything. He was sober for 6 yrs that time but then started relapsing as mentioned above. Five years ago I started legal separation proceedings but once again he begged and promised and I caved in. Well in Jan I filed for a legal separation and told him he had to leave because I wouldn't do this anymore. He moved down south to be by his brother who is a recovering A for 25+ yrs. I thought that was good. Well I think he is drinking again and it is the hardest thing I can do to realize that our marriage is over. When you still love someone it is so hard but as many have said "THEY CHOOSE". It is hard to realize that he doesn't choose to stay sober. Staying with him for all these years has just enabled him and hurt me. How can "taking care of myself" hurt me so much? But it does.
Good luck. It is very hard to really leave but in the end I know it is worth it for us.
Good luck. It is very hard to really leave but in the end I know it is worth it for us.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
Oh my do I feel your pain. Mine is just like it. 3 months ago I was on here with the same question. After her stay in detox and a very short seperation I let her come back home. Things have been going quite well until today. She has been completely sober. She is visiting one of the kids at school and I got the dreaded phone call this evening that she got drunk while our daughter was at class. When we seperated 3 months ago I flatly told her I was never living with a drunk again. I was mentally preparing for divorce. This evening I sent her a text telling he I have drawn my line in the sand. If she chooses to drink we are divorcing. What scares me is that she will recieve enough money in the divorce to remain unemployeed and get drunk if she chooses. I have to move on though. The kids are all grown and when she was drinking hard they all told me to leave her. Divorce is a really hard decision but I have been pushed over the line. The only way for her to stop it now would be to prove to me that she is not drinking again.
After a 3 month vacation from SR because the AW was sober it looks like I am back.
After a 3 month vacation from SR because the AW was sober it looks like I am back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 26
Hayfmr,
I sorry to read this. I know how tough it is and have been in the same situation. I keep thinking about divorce and how much work it is. If I go that route I could care less what my wife does with her half of the $$$$ time for me to move on and be free. Control what you can I guess.
Good luck.
I sorry to read this. I know how tough it is and have been in the same situation. I keep thinking about divorce and how much work it is. If I go that route I could care less what my wife does with her half of the $$$$ time for me to move on and be free. Control what you can I guess.
Good luck.
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