KerBearz

I stayed home from work today to let my AH know that TODAY is the day that he either
A.) Leave for treatment at a facility of his choosing -or-
B.) Leave

either way he's got to go... and I am terrified that he will completely unravel. I need to let go... I need to let go... I need to let go...I need to put this in God's hands now. If you are the praying type, I would really appreciate it.

KerBearz

kittykitty

Way to go! Remember, keep it simple!

Please keep us posted on what happens. Just breathe, and know that we and God are with you.



PS When you say terrified, are you fearing for your safety? Does anyone know that this is going on, that could be around if you need them? Please stay out of harms way.

catlovermi

Taking the leap is very terrifying, but remember, you are responsible to stand on your own two feet, and he is responsible to stand on his own two feet. It's up to him whether he unravels, and up to you whether you unravel!

Sending support! Breathe!

CLMI

lillamy

Praying.

And keep us posted. When you've reached that point, you just have.

Cat123

Good Luck!

If you have time, make a short list of possible places he can go to.

The waiting list for rehabs are long at times, and it is not as easy to say you want to go and then just pack and bag and arrive somewhere. Also, some places do not admit over the weekend or after say 5pm.

And it stinks to have someone agree and have no were to send them.

However, one thing that could be done is he could go to the hospital ER for a medical detox (if they think it is necessary which for an alcoholic it is) that buys at least 4 days to get into a place to go from there to. (Also, many places will not take someone that hasn't been thru detox or been clean a certain amount of days) And you will also have more resources for the next step and how to proceed.

Buffalo66

You are choosing to love someone from a distance, because you will not stay with them at any cost to you.

that is self care.

PurpleWilder

Lighting a candle and thinking of you today....

wanttobehealthy

Wow thinking of you... I set the same exact boundary with my AH in January. It did not go well. After weeks of dragging his feet and making excuses he opted, instead of leaving for in patient rehab, to assault me. I called the police, he was arrested, and now is not living at home but also still has not chosen to get treatment.

I hope that your H will make a wise, healthy choice, but I want to prepare you that if he does not, it's not unique to you and probably not unusual. I didn't think about this back in Jan or know this and I took his decision on the day he was to leave, to smirk and say "see ya" to my daughters and I (his daughters too for that matter) as being about me and when I followed him outside that's when things got bad.

I am saying a prayer for you that your H makes a healthy choice and a prayer that if he doesn't, that you have the strength to do what is best for you even though I know first hand how much it will hurt like hell.

If he doesn't have to leave if he chooses not to go to treatment he will see that you don't mean what you say and your boundaries are meant to and can be broken.

Thinking of you and there with you in spirit!

Ladybug0130

Cat123 is right, call some places in advance if you can. My family got my AH to go and then we had to spend an unbearable five days trying to get him a bed because the nearby place I thought would be perfect had a month-long waiting list. We ultimately ended up having to drive him 12+ hours to Minnesota, which wasn't a real fun car ride. Good luck with all this!!!

GettingBy

Here's my 2 cents... take what you like...

To me, your actions border on an ultimatum, which rarely if ever produces the results we hope for. You may get him into rehab, but it wasn't by his own free will - it's because you forced him.

I said something very similar to my AH about 3-4 weeks ago - "If you don't stop drinking, I will leave you." It's a boundary, yes... but when I look back - it was also somewhat of an ultimatum. Did he stop drinking? Yes. Did it bring recovery? No. He was very resentful to me. Called me the "worden", said I made him stop drinking, I'm controlling him, making him change... blah-blah-blah. But, he was right.

I think there can sometimes be a fine line between boundaries and ultimatums... and that's why I'm always working on being honest with myself... "WHat are my intentions by doing this?" "Am I trying to make him do x or y?" "Am I manipulating or controlling the outcome?"

I'm divorcing my AH... not because I want him to change, or get it. I'm doing it because being with him is unhealthy for me. That's it. Period. What he choses to do or not do is his perogative.

So that's 2 cents... from a person who's broken and imperfect :-)

Cyranoak

...you use boundaries when boundaries are appropriate, and you use ultimatums when ultimatums are appropriate. In this case, he has two choices. It is an ultimatum, and it's an appropriate one in my opinion. I forced my wife into treatment against her will (or was it? she could have said no and moved out). She relapsed immediately upon release, but it is where she was introduced to the concepts of recovery and the 12 steps. Years later, after many relapses and putting herself in treatment for her second stay, she is sober for the first time in ten years (eight months and counting). I attribute this to her first stay in treatment.

Will it last? We'll see.

Ultimatums aren't in and of themselves wrong. The trick is, and I don't know that it's ever easy, is to use each appropriately. Using a boundary when it's actually an ultimatum in wrong. Using an ultimatum when it's actually a boundary is also wrong. Alanon helps me to know the difference.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

KerBearz

Thanks for the prayers, support and replies. I see what you are saying about the ultimatum and I sort of agree with that, but I am looking at things a little differently right now.

My husband has said over and over that he really wants to stop drinking and thinks he needs help with it. I printed off a list of treatment facilities that accept our insurance and gave it to him - the rest is up to him entirely. I am not making any phone calls for him and I am not bending over backwards to convince him he needs to go. The decision is his. I just wanted him to know that the free ride here at home is over. I think (and the kids think) that his leaving home and entering a treatment facility to receive the help (that he says he wants) would be a wise decision, but again the decision is his to make!

We've been down this road quite a few times and his treatments have always been in response to legal problems. If he decides to go this time, it will be of his own free will. I know treatment is not a magic pill or anything, but it will sober him up temporarily (and it will get him out of here). I don't have any delusions about the future... I have been there and done that! We live in the land of 10,000 treatment centers, so maybe the next one will help and maybe not.

In response to Kittykitty - I am afraid FOR him, but not OF him. And my two young adult sons are home with me for support. Thanks though.

Ladybug0130

Isn't an ultimatum kind of what they do in an intervention? It does work out sometimes...