What to do about my alcooholic Dad
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
What to do about my alcooholic Dad
My father is an alcoholic. He is 65. He was never abusive in any way. I suppose he is somewhat of a "functional" alcoholic, although I realize that term is pretty close to an oxymoron. By functional I mean, he doesn't get violent, his drinking doesn't interfere with employment, doesn't get super sloppy, etc. But that being said, all the other traits are there. He spends his money on booze when he doesn't have any. Drinks about a fifth of vodka a day currently. Repeats himself a lot. Drinks to medicate. Only socializes with other drinkers. He seems extremely bitter at the world. Constantly complains about one thing or another and in the face of offered solutions, just chooses to complain instead. His ego has become much more sensitive over time. He can remember everyone that has ever wronged him. He carried a lot of remorse over anyone he has ever wronged. And pretty much seems to alternately loathe himself and seem very self-righteous all at once. It makes for hanging out with him very difficult, which I just did for one full week. You see, we used to be very close and now only see each other about once a year and talk once or twice a month. During these conversations he mostly talks at me. As his alcoholism has progressed over the years, our relationship has cooled greatly in the process. The long talks we shared years ago about deep and personal issues are now nonexistent and he would rather rail at me about the government and paying taxes instead. He does not really inquire much about my job, my relationship, or really hardly any details about my life. It's not because he doesn't care. I know he cares very much. I probably am not very easy to talk to anyway because I can be pretty adept at putting distance between us when I want to. And I do so because talking around the huge white elephant in the room is just so much work. I voiced my opinion about his drinking fifteen years ago and now I am terrified to repeat the experience. Plus, that was when we were living together and were very close. He was 100% unsympathetic when I mentioned it then and pretty much declared that drinking is a part of who he is and if I don't like it, well too bad. I was shocked at the time of the animosity behind this statement and did not expect that kind of verbal force as a reaction to my seemingly gentle admonishment.
He is having major surgery in two weeks to remove almost all of his colon. He had colon cancer ten years ago. He also smokes a pack a day, has been unemployed for two years, has unpaid debts, and doesn't really have any retirement that I know of other than Social Security. So I worry a lot and then add to that equal doses of anger and resentment. The immediate concern is how he will do faced with a 7-10 day hospital stay and intense recuperation and no alcohol for the first time in many, many years. He has already asked his girlfriend and her mom to sneak some booze in for him. How do they carry out such major surgery on people so chemically dependent? His girlfriend says he has been very honest with the doctors about his heavy drinking. I worry that he will get DTs.
My other concern is the effect that my relationship is having on me. It is harder and harder to spend time with him as his disease has progressed and exhausting for me to carry around that kind of resentment. It's not that bad when I'm not around him, but I do think of it often. I mean, I miss my Dad. I fear that he won't be around for much longer. And then I will spend a long time mourning the years we lost together because of his drinking. No one calls him out on his drinking because he no longer has anyone in his life to do so. Over the process of many years following my parents divorce, he no longer desired people in his life that didn't like to "have a good time" like he does. His girlfriend is codependent in every way and drinks as well (although she's probably not an alcoholic), and tolerates his behavior. Do you know how hard it was to hear him go on and on, boasting about how healthy he is?? I wanted to cry out, "Are you freaking kidding me??!" He thinks because he has low cholesterol that he is healthy. Well I got news for ya, they can't detect lung cancer that early, emphysema, or liver problems. One day you're just finally SCREWED. Your body can't take it anymore. I completely resent how he complains so much and acts so bitter when he is so LUCKY to have the life he does, considering how he treats his body. He has a companion. Lives on the beach. And wakes up to see every day and can walk around to enjoy it. But he is too busy smoking, drinking, and holding onto all the errors in his life to enjoy the opportunities in front of him. I go to some open AA meetings with my AH and read a lot of AA material. I've seen how the program can work. And it just makes it sad for me to think how much my Dad is missing out on. I want him to experience hope and transformation.
I am having a baby next fall. This is another thing that concerns me in my relationship with my father. As much as I would love for my child to know my father as I did when I was little, I do not want my child to be around him while he's drinking. Period. So what will this mean for our future?
How am I supposed to proceed? I would definitely seek therapy if I had insurance. So that option is out. I just don't know if I am supposed to write him a letter and be straightforward, or write him a letter and not send it, or accept that there's nothing I can do. I fantasize about what I would write in a letter to him. I've thought of sending him some AA reading material. Then I think, wait...that's totally being codependent. Or is it? I don't necessarily want to demand that he quit drinking because I know that doesn't work. But I also don't think I can just sit idly by anymore and pretend that there isn't a problem.
He is having major surgery in two weeks to remove almost all of his colon. He had colon cancer ten years ago. He also smokes a pack a day, has been unemployed for two years, has unpaid debts, and doesn't really have any retirement that I know of other than Social Security. So I worry a lot and then add to that equal doses of anger and resentment. The immediate concern is how he will do faced with a 7-10 day hospital stay and intense recuperation and no alcohol for the first time in many, many years. He has already asked his girlfriend and her mom to sneak some booze in for him. How do they carry out such major surgery on people so chemically dependent? His girlfriend says he has been very honest with the doctors about his heavy drinking. I worry that he will get DTs.
My other concern is the effect that my relationship is having on me. It is harder and harder to spend time with him as his disease has progressed and exhausting for me to carry around that kind of resentment. It's not that bad when I'm not around him, but I do think of it often. I mean, I miss my Dad. I fear that he won't be around for much longer. And then I will spend a long time mourning the years we lost together because of his drinking. No one calls him out on his drinking because he no longer has anyone in his life to do so. Over the process of many years following my parents divorce, he no longer desired people in his life that didn't like to "have a good time" like he does. His girlfriend is codependent in every way and drinks as well (although she's probably not an alcoholic), and tolerates his behavior. Do you know how hard it was to hear him go on and on, boasting about how healthy he is?? I wanted to cry out, "Are you freaking kidding me??!" He thinks because he has low cholesterol that he is healthy. Well I got news for ya, they can't detect lung cancer that early, emphysema, or liver problems. One day you're just finally SCREWED. Your body can't take it anymore. I completely resent how he complains so much and acts so bitter when he is so LUCKY to have the life he does, considering how he treats his body. He has a companion. Lives on the beach. And wakes up to see every day and can walk around to enjoy it. But he is too busy smoking, drinking, and holding onto all the errors in his life to enjoy the opportunities in front of him. I go to some open AA meetings with my AH and read a lot of AA material. I've seen how the program can work. And it just makes it sad for me to think how much my Dad is missing out on. I want him to experience hope and transformation.
I am having a baby next fall. This is another thing that concerns me in my relationship with my father. As much as I would love for my child to know my father as I did when I was little, I do not want my child to be around him while he's drinking. Period. So what will this mean for our future?
How am I supposed to proceed? I would definitely seek therapy if I had insurance. So that option is out. I just don't know if I am supposed to write him a letter and be straightforward, or write him a letter and not send it, or accept that there's nothing I can do. I fantasize about what I would write in a letter to him. I've thought of sending him some AA reading material. Then I think, wait...that's totally being codependent. Or is it? I don't necessarily want to demand that he quit drinking because I know that doesn't work. But I also don't think I can just sit idly by anymore and pretend that there isn't a problem.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Alanon is for us friends and family who go through the same questions and dilemmas. Do you know how to find a meeting in your area? I have not gone to Alanon but I have met people that go to Alanon in group therapy and its a huge relief to be able to talk to someone who understands you, in real life. I also used to go to AA meetings myself, trying to understand more about alcoholism, and I still don't get it but I am aware now of the power and the dimensions of it, and it convinced me: I cannot cure it period.
Dear RollerDerbyGirl, I am afraid he already knows AA exists, but chooses not to go. We all have options in life... if his presence gives you so many bad feelings, why not spend less time with him? it sounds harsh but many here have needed some space away from people that are (consciously and/or unconsciously) destroying themselves. Even if its our parents or family.
I am afraid accepting you can't cure him is the most realistic and healthier way for you to get past the confusion and bitterness.. well, at least it has been like that for me (I had an alcoholic boyfriend). You can write letters and not send them - and you do this for YOU not for him... I have written letters and burned them -in a safe place- and it is a huge relief.
I do not want my child to be around him while he's drinking. Period. So what will this mean for our future?
That is a very healthy boundary. What will this mean? well, that you will be a very good Mom! too bad for him though but its his loss if he can't be a good granddad and set a healthy example. I read you have an AH- are you going to have a similar boundary with him?
PS I recommend "Codependent no more" and "Language of letting go" both by Melody Beatty.
Excellent books.
Dear RollerDerbyGirl, I am afraid he already knows AA exists, but chooses not to go. We all have options in life... if his presence gives you so many bad feelings, why not spend less time with him? it sounds harsh but many here have needed some space away from people that are (consciously and/or unconsciously) destroying themselves. Even if its our parents or family.
I am afraid accepting you can't cure him is the most realistic and healthier way for you to get past the confusion and bitterness.. well, at least it has been like that for me (I had an alcoholic boyfriend). You can write letters and not send them - and you do this for YOU not for him... I have written letters and burned them -in a safe place- and it is a huge relief.
I do not want my child to be around him while he's drinking. Period. So what will this mean for our future?
That is a very healthy boundary. What will this mean? well, that you will be a very good Mom! too bad for him though but its his loss if he can't be a good granddad and set a healthy example. I read you have an AH- are you going to have a similar boundary with him?
PS I recommend "Codependent no more" and "Language of letting go" both by Melody Beatty.
Excellent books.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Taking charge999,
Your quote was exactly what I needed to start my day, and propel me forward on my journey to being co-depenant no more!
Roller-Derby girl,
It sounds as though you know what you need to do, and have already been doing it. You know that it is up to him to change, and you have been keeping yourdistance for your own sanity.
And as painful as the situation is (I have not spoken to my dad in 2 years)
at some point in time we have to let them go and take care of ourselves.
While I'm still w/ my AH, I'm planning to cut that tie soon as well. Its never easy, but its the only way for us to have any kind of healthy life.:ghug3
Best of luck with your upcoming motherhood!
Your quote was exactly what I needed to start my day, and propel me forward on my journey to being co-depenant no more!
Roller-Derby girl,
It sounds as though you know what you need to do, and have already been doing it. You know that it is up to him to change, and you have been keeping yourdistance for your own sanity.
And as painful as the situation is (I have not spoken to my dad in 2 years)
at some point in time we have to let them go and take care of ourselves.
While I'm still w/ my AH, I'm planning to cut that tie soon as well. Its never easy, but its the only way for us to have any kind of healthy life.:ghug3
Best of luck with your upcoming motherhood!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You are asking the difficult questions, and looking for honest answers.
You're working on things, that's great!
Al-Anon can help, as well, as others have said.
Just a reminder of the 3C's:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
As for sending him literature, I think it depends upon why you're sending it.
If you're sending it because you expect him to react to it and quit drinking because of it, then yes, that's co-dependent, and no, you shouldn't send it.
If you want to send it because it will make you feel better, and you have no expectations of his reaction to them (note: hope is different than expectations), then it's a healthy thing to do, and by all means send it.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Thanks
That was an excellent book excerpt. Thank you. It's good to know that me keeping my distance is a healthy boundary, because it doesn't always feel good. Sometimes it surprises me that he doesn't ever ask my why I seem so much more distant or make efforts at rekindling or relationship. But then I think, well, that's because deep down he already knows the answer.
I definitely need to find a good Al-Anon meeting and work on myself that way. I know I can't change him. As for the literature, I guess I wanted to send it to him because I thought he might find it inspiring. Would it lead to quitting drinking? I highly doubt it. But at least a seed would be planted that there is another life out there. I am inspired by it and wanted to share that with him I guess. It would probably be more like the DVDs of one of my favorite TV series I sent him for Christmas (all three seasons!), collecting dust. After all, he only does what HE wants to do. The more his disease has progressed, the more selfish he has become.
When you set boundaries, do you need to let people know why you are doing so? Sometimes I just wish he knew why I create distance so that he can't go on thinking it's because I'm too busy for him, think he's not important to me, or think he's stupid. All some of the things that I wonder he might think. "She's become such a little princess..."
I definitely need to find a good Al-Anon meeting and work on myself that way. I know I can't change him. As for the literature, I guess I wanted to send it to him because I thought he might find it inspiring. Would it lead to quitting drinking? I highly doubt it. But at least a seed would be planted that there is another life out there. I am inspired by it and wanted to share that with him I guess. It would probably be more like the DVDs of one of my favorite TV series I sent him for Christmas (all three seasons!), collecting dust. After all, he only does what HE wants to do. The more his disease has progressed, the more selfish he has become.
When you set boundaries, do you need to let people know why you are doing so? Sometimes I just wish he knew why I create distance so that he can't go on thinking it's because I'm too busy for him, think he's not important to me, or think he's stupid. All some of the things that I wonder he might think. "She's become such a little princess..."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by RollerDerbyGirl 
After all, he only does what HE wants to do.
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