FindingPeace1

My STBXAH and I have stopped communicating about anything other than divorce and taxes.

I find I am most sad about hurting him.

He has been a wonderful gift in my life.
He has been generous and kind and funny.
He was a great partner. He took great care of me.
He always encouraged me to do what I loved.
He never judged my interests or pursuits.
He helped with cooking and cleaning and laundry.
He remembered all the birthdays and holidays and always did something special for me.
He planned and dreamed with me.
He wanted a home and to raise babies with me.
He would have been (might still be) incredible as a dad (and sometimes, he'd be yuck)
He changed my oil and kept me flossing.
He got me out to ski or hike or backpack.
He appreciated my gifts and talents.
He didn't judge me.
He was very responsible, never missed work or a bill, always took care of the details.

And I'm not saying he didn't hide alcohol and lie or that he couldn't get defensive and grumpy and snotty.
He did. Most of last year was a trainwreck.
Denial. Minimizing. Avoidance. Lying.

But he was also so great.

And right now he's just hurting, and I can't fix it. I can't tell him all these things and have him hear it. All my appreciation of him doesn't fix this hurt or make it feel like it makes sense.

I remember one boyfriend who broke up with me and kept insisting the toughest part was the loss of my friendship. My response was that he could take his friendship and shove it! How dare he leave me and then wish we could still be friends? F that. I couldn't hear him.

My AH hasn't kept friendships with any x. I don't expect I'll be any different. The funny thing is, I am less upset about the loss of him in my life as a friend than knowing I am hurting him.

More codependency, I guess. And the little whisper that says, "sure is a lot of good to let go of"

I think he is in acceptance. He is being super reasonable. Emotionally detached and reasonable. That kills me. He has it in him. That doesn't mean he is any more willing to deal with his issues, but he has a lot of strengths!

It's a mindf**k, I tell you. This.
He's not physically abusive in any way. He is not directly verbally abusive. He is passive agressive abusive, but then, so am I. He's probably worse. He's done the dealbreakers.

It's just...he's so much good.
It doesn't take away the yuck, but it can make the whole thing feel really muddled.

I am still plugging away at divorcing. I, myself, said last week that I recognize it doesn't feel good, but I have to trust it is an act of self care.

I just am acknowldeging today, right now, it doesn't feel good.
It feels sad and hurtful and stupid to leave someone that loves me and gifted me in so many ways. It feels AWFUL to hurt him like this. It feels awful I couldn't make it work. It feels awful to let go of all the good and hope and dreams.

I am using you all to process. (sheepish grin)
Thanks.

bookwyrm

I remember the grief. It was like mourning a death to let go of all the dreams. One step in front of the other and one day at a time. You can do this!

suki44883

In my way of thinking, you are actually lucky that it doesn't feel good. If it did, it would mean that you had stayed too long, put up with too much, and had no desire to take anything good from the marriage. As it is, you realize that there was good and bad, but that the bad, in the end, outweighed the good. You can still look back on the past and the good times, and that is a good thing. It isn't good enough to waste the rest of your life on, but it was good at times. Hang in there. It's normal to grieve a lost relationship. You don't know what the future holds, and anything is possible. But at this point, right now, you have to take care of yourself.

bookwyrm

Just wanted to add, it wasn't all on your shoulders to make it work. Don't take all the blame on your shoulders. Be kind to yourself.

FindingPeace1

Thanks.
When you said I was grieving, I was surprised. I thought I was just mixed up!

Oh, yea. I'm grieving. Totally normal.

Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm grieving.

You know, maybe we get far enough away from the drama that we forget. And the good stuff looks awfully good.
Maybe that's why people stay so long.

Cyranoak

You aren't hurting him. He's hurting him. You didn't hurt him. He hurt him.

All due respect.

Take care,

Cyranoak

wanttobehealthy

I just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I am feeling very similarly -- It is 100% over with my AH and I and even though I know it's the right thing, I feel so so sad-- the grieving analogy really makes sense.

I think it's good (even though it hurts) that you can remember what was good and still see that even though there was good, it wasn't enough to make up for what was bad... At least that's what I am trying to soothe myself with and remind myself of

RollTide

I ran across a pair of sunglasses today that belonged to my XAH. He wore them when we went fishing. I just sat and cried. I miss those good times so very much. But then I have to remember the rest of the story and the insanity of living with an alcoholic.

Seren

My XH (not an A) divorced me.....took the process right up until the judge was supposed to sign the paperwork. Then hemmed and hawed about changing his mind (he was having an affair). I told him to get the judge to sign it or I would. That's when the roller coaster started for me. When it was MY decision.

One day I wanted nothing to do with him, the next day I thought it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Now, looking back after 10 years, I know it was the right decision.....for both of us.

Hugs as you move forward!! HG

threewishes

FindingPeace - your post brought tears to my eyes. That is exactly how I've felt today and tonight I cried harder than I ever thought I could. Our AH's sound very similar and I'm grieving as well....remembering all the good times and wonderful, sweet, generous things he's done for me. I'm incredibly sad and you're right, all that good can make everything seem very muddled. It's almost impossible at times to see through the mud and remember that we are doing the right thing.

Thank you for writing...I don't have it in me to write much more tonight, just wanted you to know you're not alone. ((((big hugs to you)))

Tuffgirl

Its normal to feel this way - I feel it as I step further and further away. We had a lot of good times, but when I feel myself getting super sad or confused and doubting myself, I just remember the one image of him curled around the toilet at 8:00 pm, passed out, with vomit on his chin. Then I remember why I chose this road instead. Oh yeah - cause he is an alcoholic and I don't have to live like this.

Someone posted in another thread that we have "this one life". I love that...so true.

Hang in there - time will heal this wound. And chocolate, if that's your thing!

FindingPeace1

i think it was me that said we have this one life!

thanks for all your support. it helps.

lillamy

I've started going through family photos to make sure we both have some. That was a hard process. Seeing there, in color, the history I've walked away from. The years when the children were little. Places we've lived. Remember that old blanket that the cat peed on?

The thing is, there are hardly any pictures of RAXH without a glass or a bottle. And that keeps it real for me. I can feel the pain, but it's the pain of "what could have been had he made other choices" and nothing else.

LexieCat

I think it's good to recognize (if it's true, that is) that the alcoholics are not monsters. They are sick human beings who have a lot of good qualities, but those good qualities are outweighed by the stress of living with the disease.

I left for my own good. I know the divorce hurt my husband, but his own disease was hurting him a lot more than the divorce itself did.

I think being in any kind of relationship helps feed the denial (it can't be that bad if she's still here). Um, sorry, it IS that bad. Not that we have to divorce someone to "wake them up" (that isn't our job), but it does help me to know that even though the divorce caused him pain, the marriage wasn't helping him, either.

Hugs, I still have wistful feelings sometimes when I think about my second husband. I still hope, for his own sake, that he someday gets well.

jamaicamecrazy

I could have written your post myself.
Especially the list of all the good things about my partner.
And I struggle with his hurt and with mine. I always feel when I put myself first and do what is best for me, that I am hurting him.
BUT-he does not consider this when he keeps putting himself first. When he keeps choosing to drink, pushing me away and deciding to live a life separate from his family.
As much as I know how wonderful he WAS, he is not that wonderful person anymore and as long as he keeps drinking, the chances of him being that wonderful again grow slimmer and slimmer.
He is making choices.
You are making choices based on what is best for you. It is hard to walk forward when your partner refuses to follow you. It does hurt and it messes with your head.
Something that someone said to me that has helped is this-there are not many decisions in this life that are truly irreversible. Keep moving forward and if circumstances change down the line then maybe you can choose differently-or maybe YOU will have changed and be more clear about what you are willing to accept or not accept in this one life!
Hoping you can find peace.