Checking in-keeping my boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Checking in-keeping my boundaries
I have missed being here. Life has been beyond busy and it seems by the time I get home I am nowhere near the computer.
I love my new job but holy cow, I'm lucky if I can make it to the bathroom some days. I am not complaining. Not only do I have a job. I have a job that gives me purpose and I love. Thank you HP.
It is much less flexible than my other job so that makes getting back to pick up the kids on time a bit hard--but I am getting it done.
xah continues to be the arse he has always been-no big surpirse there. Not sure when the man will just give up trying to be a thorn in my side and move on but whenever he tries-even when it bugs me to death-I just ignore him. Now I have to get to the point where it does not bug me to death. It's who he is-I need to remember that.
I am involved in a new relationship and the boundary setting skills I have learned from everyone here is rolling over into that relationship in a very healthy way. I see no signs of addiction and have stopped looking. We have been seeing each other for close to 4 months now-if something comes out I think I will notice it now
I have had some frank discussions with the new man a couple of times about things and they have been resolved in an adult way-free from insanity and histrionics (now there's something new for me). I need to talk to him about something tonight because I want him to slow down the pace a bit. He has met the kids and has suddenly decided he really wants to be around more. A month after the honesty talk he told me he has never met anyone he has considered spending a lifetime with but that lately he was thinking I am that person-I told him to put on the brakes as I was not ready for any lifetime commitments right now. He said OK.
He was over last night (unannounced for the first time--did not like that) and before he left he asked what we were doing tomorrow. Maybe because I have been sick all week and was tired--or maybe because my boudaries were feeling pushed I told him that I thought it was great he wanted to get to know my kids but he needed to slow down. I also told him that the last few times he has come to the house he has spent more time with the kids than me and we needed to talk-but not last night. I was tired and wanted to go to bed.
I know he is trying to help out and also trying to get to know my kids (because I was brutally honest about them too since they have many not so pleasant post-institutional mental health issues) but right now I get the impression he is trying to "fix" my kids. Maybe fix is not the right word. I think his intentions are good--I think he needs the s-l-o-w d-o-w-n talk again. He likes the kids and thinks, even with the issues they have, they are incredible kids. Of course I agree, I'm their mom.
But he needs to understand that the reason my kids are incredible is because of all the hard work THEY have done and because of ME---5 years of daily really hard therapeutic parenting, lots of therapy and doctors, hours and hours of time with the people at school, being part of support groups-both online and in the flesh, being a mentor to other parents along with many other things. There is no quick fix.
The other thing that made the boundary button go on red alert was he told me last night he thinks my oldest son should go off his meds. I just flat out said--you know what, not your call. It is not even his dad's call. You have been around my kids for a little over a month. You have no idea why he is even taking the meds he is taking. You need to back way off of that. He was a little taken by surprise.
Anyway, not to beat a dead horse (where is that dead horse smilie. . .)
I am happy that all I have learned here is helping me have healthy relationships with everyone and is keeping me honest about myself and that my work on myself if far from finished. I am happy that co-dependent me did not say "gee, well maybe DS could go off his meds if you think so". Nope, that person is gone and I am happy to see her out the door.
I love my new job but holy cow, I'm lucky if I can make it to the bathroom some days. I am not complaining. Not only do I have a job. I have a job that gives me purpose and I love. Thank you HP.
It is much less flexible than my other job so that makes getting back to pick up the kids on time a bit hard--but I am getting it done.
xah continues to be the arse he has always been-no big surpirse there. Not sure when the man will just give up trying to be a thorn in my side and move on but whenever he tries-even when it bugs me to death-I just ignore him. Now I have to get to the point where it does not bug me to death. It's who he is-I need to remember that.
I am involved in a new relationship and the boundary setting skills I have learned from everyone here is rolling over into that relationship in a very healthy way. I see no signs of addiction and have stopped looking. We have been seeing each other for close to 4 months now-if something comes out I think I will notice it now
I have had some frank discussions with the new man a couple of times about things and they have been resolved in an adult way-free from insanity and histrionics (now there's something new for me). I need to talk to him about something tonight because I want him to slow down the pace a bit. He has met the kids and has suddenly decided he really wants to be around more. A month after the honesty talk he told me he has never met anyone he has considered spending a lifetime with but that lately he was thinking I am that person-I told him to put on the brakes as I was not ready for any lifetime commitments right now. He said OK.
He was over last night (unannounced for the first time--did not like that) and before he left he asked what we were doing tomorrow. Maybe because I have been sick all week and was tired--or maybe because my boudaries were feeling pushed I told him that I thought it was great he wanted to get to know my kids but he needed to slow down. I also told him that the last few times he has come to the house he has spent more time with the kids than me and we needed to talk-but not last night. I was tired and wanted to go to bed.
I know he is trying to help out and also trying to get to know my kids (because I was brutally honest about them too since they have many not so pleasant post-institutional mental health issues) but right now I get the impression he is trying to "fix" my kids. Maybe fix is not the right word. I think his intentions are good--I think he needs the s-l-o-w d-o-w-n talk again. He likes the kids and thinks, even with the issues they have, they are incredible kids. Of course I agree, I'm their mom.
But he needs to understand that the reason my kids are incredible is because of all the hard work THEY have done and because of ME---5 years of daily really hard therapeutic parenting, lots of therapy and doctors, hours and hours of time with the people at school, being part of support groups-both online and in the flesh, being a mentor to other parents along with many other things. There is no quick fix.The other thing that made the boundary button go on red alert was he told me last night he thinks my oldest son should go off his meds. I just flat out said--you know what, not your call. It is not even his dad's call. You have been around my kids for a little over a month. You have no idea why he is even taking the meds he is taking. You need to back way off of that. He was a little taken by surprise.
Anyway, not to beat a dead horse (where is that dead horse smilie. . .)
I am happy that all I have learned here is helping me have healthy relationships with everyone and is keeping me honest about myself and that my work on myself if far from finished. I am happy that co-dependent me did not say "gee, well maybe DS could go off his meds if you think so". Nope, that person is gone and I am happy to see her out the door.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You need to back way off of that. He was a little taken by surprise.
Glad to hear you are holding your ground.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Great work!
I am afraid to even think about getting close to someone new.
You are my hero for doing it and remaining detached.
Remember what Caroline myss says,
"we know whether we will be able to work in a relationship with someone early on, as there is a voice inside that says, ever subtly,'hmm I don't know if I can live with this aspect of you', or ,' hmm I can accept this because I am clear in myself'."
She says that millions of marriages and decades of bad relationships could be avoided if we just honor that subtle voice, do not become frightened that we will be alone if we don't settle for good enough, or be afraid to make a boundary that honors ourselves more than preserving anothers ego or their feelings.
It sounds like you are holding your own
I am afraid to even think about getting close to someone new.
You are my hero for doing it and remaining detached.
Remember what Caroline myss says,
"we know whether we will be able to work in a relationship with someone early on, as there is a voice inside that says, ever subtly,'hmm I don't know if I can live with this aspect of you', or ,' hmm I can accept this because I am clear in myself'."
She says that millions of marriages and decades of bad relationships could be avoided if we just honor that subtle voice, do not become frightened that we will be alone if we don't settle for good enough, or be afraid to make a boundary that honors ourselves more than preserving anothers ego or their feelings.
It sounds like you are holding your own
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Right now, my decision about continuing the relationship is all about honestly and very open discussions.
Like I said, I get that he wants to get to know my kids and I also find it admirable that he is not running away given their mental health issues. I know where he is coming from because of things he has talked about. He was fairly severely injured about 5 years ago and was told he would never walk again and would never do his job again. He told the doctor that was not the doctor's choice to make and he would decide what he could do. Well, it took awhile but he learned to walk and he is still doing the same job. That is what is driving this. I get that he wants my older son in particular to overcome some of the things my older son does have control over--but it is a slow process. I pointed that out to him last night-that he did not jump up after surgery and walk.
We talked a lot last night and then I sent him home to think about what we talked about.
Buffalo so far there is no little voice because I have been honest. Like I said, I am not looking for that voice but I am fairly certain I will hear it This man is unlike any man I have ever gotten involved with. But I can say in all honesty if he will not slow down then things will come to a screeching halt.
Like I said, I get that he wants to get to know my kids and I also find it admirable that he is not running away given their mental health issues. I know where he is coming from because of things he has talked about. He was fairly severely injured about 5 years ago and was told he would never walk again and would never do his job again. He told the doctor that was not the doctor's choice to make and he would decide what he could do. Well, it took awhile but he learned to walk and he is still doing the same job. That is what is driving this. I get that he wants my older son in particular to overcome some of the things my older son does have control over--but it is a slow process. I pointed that out to him last night-that he did not jump up after surgery and walk.
We talked a lot last night and then I sent him home to think about what we talked about.
Buffalo so far there is no little voice because I have been honest. Like I said, I am not looking for that voice but I am fairly certain I will hear it
This man is unlike any man I have ever gotten involved with. But I can say in all honesty if he will not slow down then things will come to a screeching halt.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
After my first marriage I dated a very nice lady and we would see each other once or twice a week. We both had kids, jobs, busy schedules, our own stuff to take care of and our own personal time as well. When I think back that was probably the best relationship I think I've ever been in! LOL!! Too bad it didn't last. She started pushing me for more...
You sound great hoop! Keep in touch!
You sound great hoop! Keep in touch!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I think it's awesome that you are SLOWLY getting into a new relationship.
and I know you aren't hearing any warning bells...but I am.
I'll be the odd man out. I don't like that he spends more time w/ the kids than with you sometimes OR that he totally didn't think it was even alittle inappropriate to tell you your son should be off his meds.
the approach...just don't like it. I got that 'nigley' feeling in the back of my throat when I read your post...and that my friend is my red flag.
Be cautious okay?
I know your moving slow...but maybe a time out is in order because he clearly doesn't know your boundaries or what is appropriate at all.
Good luck and I DO hope I'm wrong.
and I know you aren't hearing any warning bells...but I am.
I'll be the odd man out. I don't like that he spends more time w/ the kids than with you sometimes OR that he totally didn't think it was even alittle inappropriate to tell you your son should be off his meds.
the approach...just don't like it. I got that 'nigley' feeling in the back of my throat when I read your post...and that my friend is my red flag.
Be cautious okay?
I know your moving slow...but maybe a time out is in order because he clearly doesn't know your boundaries or what is appropriate at all.
Good luck and I DO hope I'm wrong.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I don't like people that arrive to my home out of the blue.
Anyway, Hoop, I am glad you are holding your boundaries. I believe it takes practice.. a lot of practice! its wonderful that you are no longer the old Hoop double guessing herself.
I have a feeling he may have some Codie traits... anyway I hope he respects your boundaries/requests... and if he doesn't I trust you are now more than able to handle things & take care of yourself...
Hugs!!
Anyway, Hoop, I am glad you are holding your boundaries. I believe it takes practice.. a lot of practice! its wonderful that you are no longer the old Hoop double guessing herself.
I have a feeling he may have some Codie traits... anyway I hope he respects your boundaries/requests... and if he doesn't I trust you are now more than able to handle things & take care of yourself...
Hugs!!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Coming from an abusive relationship, the impression I got about wanting to spend more times with the kids than with you?
"I'm going to bond with her kids, so that if she tries to break up with me, her kids will convince her she's crazy, and she'll come back."
I may be a little paranoid, of course. Being emotionally abused by a boyfriend, and gaslighted by your mother, have a tendency to do that to a person.
You need to do what you feel is best for you.
Enjoy the slowness, there's no need to label this guy as "the one" - he is who he is, and things will happen as they happen.
"I'm going to bond with her kids, so that if she tries to break up with me, her kids will convince her she's crazy, and she'll come back."
I may be a little paranoid, of course. Being emotionally abused by a boyfriend, and gaslighted by your mother, have a tendency to do that to a person.
You need to do what you feel is best for you.
Enjoy the slowness, there's no need to label this guy as "the one" - he is who he is, and things will happen as they happen.
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