Sitting on the pity pot!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Sitting on the pity pot!
Not me... him! It's the cycle of our life (and probably just about everybody else's on here!)... he gets drunk, something bad happens, the consequences kick in, he promises it won't happen again, it does, and then he goes into pity-pot mode. The old "Woe is me" routine where he sulks around acting like nobody loves him, whining about how worthless he feels, he can't do no right by me... quack-quack-quack. 
The deal this time is he has this "terrible" cough... "it hurts me sooo bad, and can't you just once have some damn sympathy for me?!?!" My response - "Well, if it's that bad - do something about it. Call the doc, go to the hospital. Be an adult and take care of yourself."
I do not feel bad for him. I will not get sucked into the dance. He's trying his best to deflect from what really ails him - the reality that he has a drinking problem, and now a domestic violence problem... and that his wife doesn't trust him anymore, and doesn't want him anymore.
Meanwhile, back at the GettingBy camp... I'm making my plan, packing an emergency bag for the kids and I, stashing it someplace safe, getting my ducks in a row so that I won't get caught with my "pants down", so to speak.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other...
The deal this time is he has this "terrible" cough... "it hurts me sooo bad, and can't you just once have some damn sympathy for me?!?!" My response - "Well, if it's that bad - do something about it. Call the doc, go to the hospital. Be an adult and take care of yourself."
I do not feel bad for him. I will not get sucked into the dance. He's trying his best to deflect from what really ails him - the reality that he has a drinking problem, and now a domestic violence problem... and that his wife doesn't trust him anymore, and doesn't want him anymore.
Meanwhile, back at the GettingBy camp... I'm making my plan, packing an emergency bag for the kids and I, stashing it someplace safe, getting my ducks in a row so that I won't get caught with my "pants down", so to speak.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Yeh its the same old every time.
Same sh*t different day,used to do my head in when he used to be all sorry and all he wanted to do was stay in bed all day with me being his mother and then a few days maybe weeks later (if i was lucky) the cycle would begin again,but towards the end he actually stopped being sorry,thats wen the real trouble started.
You seem to be handling it well,im glad for you xx
Same sh*t different day,used to do my head in when he used to be all sorry and all he wanted to do was stay in bed all day with me being his mother and then a few days maybe weeks later (if i was lucky) the cycle would begin again,but towards the end he actually stopped being sorry,thats wen the real trouble started.
You seem to be handling it well,im glad for you xx
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
Good for you! Although I am sorry you have to go through this, it sounds like you are in the best possible place you could be, for you and your kids. Congratulations, and please don't hesitate to grab your emergency bag and run, as soon as the alarms go off in your head.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by courageouscrane 
Good for you! Although I am sorry you have to go through this, it sounds like you are in the best possible place you could be, for you and your kids. Congratulations, and please don't hesitate to grab your emergency bag and run, as soon as the alarms go off in your head.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Thank you... I'm struggling tonight. It was a rough weekend. He called Friday afternoon to let me know he was going to meet some clients for a few drinks... Uh oh. But I detached, picked up the kids went out for pizza and then took them out to a bounce house so they could blow off steam. It's hard, really hard... And I realized that I needed to stand up for me (just not that night when he had been drinking).
So Saturday, I asked if the kids could go visit his mom, he thought that was a great idea. So off they went to nana's house. We got home around 2:30, I was nervous, but I knew I had to make myself clear. I told him that the drinking and all that went with it was no longer acceptable to me. I mentioned the concerns I had about the consequences of his behavior.... His response? "wow, after 10 years, you suddenly care?" wow. No mention of the fact that he was irresponsible.. Just blaming me. So I mentioned that I could tolerate some of the shenanigans but he crossed a very big boundary when he got physical. His response, "well you made me mad, otherwise, I wouldn't have done all that.". Wow. Again, blaming me. And from there he went on to blame all of his drinking buddies for why he gets drunk. Everybody elses fault, but his.
Denial at it's finest. I didn't continue the discussion, no point. He's either going to get it, or not. It was clear he was not. So I very calmly said, "I'm done with the drinking. Get sober, or we divorce.". He said, "wow, just like that you're going to walk away.". "nope, not just like that. I've put ten years into trying to control, help you, stand by you... But I'm done being your doormat."
In typical alcoholic fashion, he ran off. The truth was more than he could bear. I grabbed my bag and left too... I wasn't going to sit around and wait for the angry drunk to come home.
So today? I came home this afternoon and he's giving me and the kids the silent treatment. While i put the kids to bed, he snuck off to our room and went to bed. I went in and said, " we need to finish yesterdays conversation.". "not today, maybe tomorrow. I'm tired and I don't feel good."
It's all manipulation. He won't talk... Hopes if he drags it out long enough, I'll just give up. He plays sick, so maybe I'll feel sorry for him.
If he's not going to work towards sobriety, i want out. I'm stuck though... I feel like I need to give him just one more chance. That's my sickness kicking in. I'm backsliding tonight.
Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
So Saturday, I asked if the kids could go visit his mom, he thought that was a great idea. So off they went to nana's house. We got home around 2:30, I was nervous, but I knew I had to make myself clear. I told him that the drinking and all that went with it was no longer acceptable to me. I mentioned the concerns I had about the consequences of his behavior.... His response? "wow, after 10 years, you suddenly care?" wow. No mention of the fact that he was irresponsible.. Just blaming me. So I mentioned that I could tolerate some of the shenanigans but he crossed a very big boundary when he got physical. His response, "well you made me mad, otherwise, I wouldn't have done all that.". Wow. Again, blaming me. And from there he went on to blame all of his drinking buddies for why he gets drunk. Everybody elses fault, but his.
Denial at it's finest. I didn't continue the discussion, no point. He's either going to get it, or not. It was clear he was not. So I very calmly said, "I'm done with the drinking. Get sober, or we divorce.". He said, "wow, just like that you're going to walk away.". "nope, not just like that. I've put ten years into trying to control, help you, stand by you... But I'm done being your doormat."
In typical alcoholic fashion, he ran off. The truth was more than he could bear. I grabbed my bag and left too... I wasn't going to sit around and wait for the angry drunk to come home.
So today? I came home this afternoon and he's giving me and the kids the silent treatment. While i put the kids to bed, he snuck off to our room and went to bed. I went in and said, " we need to finish yesterdays conversation.". "not today, maybe tomorrow. I'm tired and I don't feel good."
It's all manipulation. He won't talk... Hopes if he drags it out long enough, I'll just give up. He plays sick, so maybe I'll feel sorry for him.
If he's not going to work towards sobriety, i want out. I'm stuck though... I feel like I need to give him just one more chance. That's my sickness kicking in. I'm backsliding tonight.
Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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What would one more chance accomplish that this one didn't?
Besides, he has already dismissed your concerns--he's not even pretending he wants to stop drinking right now.
I think you need to be careful in how you do it, but is there really any likelihood that he has suddenly seen the light? Every time you make a pronouncement as you have, and you don't follow through with it, you lose a little more credibility. Even credibility with yourself.
It sounds like you've been giving him chances for ten years. Why does he need or deserve one more?
Besides, he has already dismissed your concerns--he's not even pretending he wants to stop drinking right now.
I think you need to be careful in how you do it, but is there really any likelihood that he has suddenly seen the light? Every time you make a pronouncement as you have, and you don't follow through with it, you lose a little more credibility. Even credibility with yourself.
It sounds like you've been giving him chances for ten years. Why does he need or deserve one more?
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He doesn't deserve anymore chances. I KNOW that, but the old guilt trip kicks in.
Lexicat, you're right...i lose credibility when I don't follow through. So, when I think about it that way, that means I let go of my expectations for his "awakening" and get on with MY next step.
He's not going to get sober, so I need to work towards a divorce. I spoke with a few divorce lawyers on Thursday and Friday. Time to pick one, sit down, and start the process. I'm not even going to talk with him about it. If I talk to him, I sense that would be me trying to (yet again) manipulate him into "getting it."
Lexicat, you're right...i lose credibility when I don't follow through. So, when I think about it that way, that means I let go of my expectations for his "awakening" and get on with MY next step.
He's not going to get sober, so I need to work towards a divorce. I spoke with a few divorce lawyers on Thursday and Friday. Time to pick one, sit down, and start the process. I'm not even going to talk with him about it. If I talk to him, I sense that would be me trying to (yet again) manipulate him into "getting it."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good, glad to hear you are taking some good actions to plan your exit. I know that when I followed through on my own ultimatum that I gave my second husband, it make me feel stronger. I was careful not to give that ultimatum until I was ready to follow through with it, but follow through with it I did. It gave me a feeling of inner integrity, if you know what I mean. I felt like a woman of my word.
You HAVE given him chance after chance, and it hasn't made any difference. You aren't being unfair. You are being realistic. You are done wasting your precious time listening to empty promises and manipulations.
Mega hugs and attagirls,
You HAVE given him chance after chance, and it hasn't made any difference. You aren't being unfair. You are being realistic. You are done wasting your precious time listening to empty promises and manipulations.
Mega hugs and attagirls,
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Mega hugs and attagirls,
I'm going to eat this elephant - one bite at a time.
I just called the divorce attorney to schedule a meeting and get the process started.
It feels good to take control of my future and be a woman of my words!
YEAH!! Time to reward yourself with something fun and/or yummy. This is a big step!
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