JW123

I have been gone from this forum for a while. Working on me. I admit I do keep slipping on occassion. I finally called it off with my XABH who I saw was just always disrespecting me and I called for no contact. He said he understood when he sent me an e-mail but said that he will always love me and that I will always hold a special place in his life. He is in recovery now (2 months) and says that he cant be in a relationship as he needs to focus on his getting healthy again. He said I must believe him when he says that he is really hurting too.

Ok question. WHY, if someone really loves you and you are that special to them could they not be interested in investing in a relationship. He says he just wanted something casual as there are no guarantee's in life and he can only take it one step at a time.

At risk of being told I am obsessing!!!! I just dont understand why he as a recovering addict could not want to MAKE IT WORK. Why say how much he loves me and I am so special?????

Translation please!

stella27

he only has a limited amount of energy (as we all do) and he needs to put that energy into building a strong foundation for his recovery. He just doesn't have what it takes to make it work right now.

jmo. sorry you are hurting.

LexieCat

Um,

Aren't you the one who "called it off" and wanted no contact? So what, exactly, is the problem, from your perspective?

He's not supposed to believe you, or what?

tallulah

He's doing what you asked of him (?). You called it off and wanted no contact.. what's he supposed to do, how can he 'make it work' when you've asked for those two things and is respecting your wishes? Calling it off and going no contact does not send a 'lets work on this' signal.

It's good he's working on his recovery and good that he is being honest about where he is regarding the relationship right now.

Tx

Babyblue

If you were here I'd invite you to lunch

.

NOTHING makes sense in recovery. It is upside down loony world to those of us who have no direct experience with it.

What it means (and this is from my direct experience in a similar situation) is that they do not have the capacity to give back. It is just a one way street of giving when you are involved with someone in recovery.

Relationships are about give and take. They are great for taking but giving back is a foreign language early in recovery.

You can't invest emotionally if you are still sorting through your own emotions.
Hence, they cannot be in a relationship.. what it means is I can't be in a relationship where I have to give back.

Forget these guys, lets go get a root beer float!

blwninthewind

Okay but don't forget you asked!
Translation: I'm manipulating you and the situation so that when I'm bored, lonely, tired, angry or just feeling like I wanna piece (sorry to be graphic)...I can still say the 3 magic words and worm my way back to get what I want before falling off the planet again...til the next time I'm bored, lonely, tired.....

Remember ...he is an addict. A, NA, whatever... there is ALWAYS a part of manipulation in the mix.

I say...be thankful. Go to Alnon or talk to a therapist who specialized in addiction.... so you don't end up w/ another one. ...and you will, w/out therapy or other help you most definitely will.
Good luck!

Buffalo66

Trust him on this. There is a reason AA suggests no relationship for 6 months or more.
It is that way for a reason.
Many recovering addicts have to spend time building on the steps, learning or re learning basic reality stuff that you and I take for granted.

My A came home to my son and me right out of rehab.
It was a big mistake.
He needs time to learn those things.
Now I feel things are unsalvageable.

He left last week, his recovery is not going swimmingly.

He should have been alone, earned time w me and our son. He should have wanted that.

Trust him onvthis.