you don't have to accept the unacceptable
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
OMG - again? This was such a good post for those of us who NEED it. Please; stop arguing with our reality or trying to re-frame it to fit yours. This forum is not for people who want to ARGUE or DOMINATE. It is for people to support each other through some very rough and challenging times. You are not helping; you are hindering.
LexieCat, thank you thank you thank you! I couldn't agree more.
LexieCat, thank you thank you thank you! I couldn't agree more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I like to think that my personality is as organic as the molecules that make me. Ever open to change and growth. Similarly, everyone else is open to the same thing.
I feel that the difference between people that evolve and grow, treating every day until they die like a school day, and those that don't is that some people are fixed by their own limitations and inability to evolve.
As for opinions on when the personality is formed, how it is formed and whether it is fixed... be they by academics or lay perople.. are like a**holes, everyone has one. They are theories: only with empirical evidence do they become fact.
Tx
I feel that the difference between people that evolve and grow, treating every day until they die like a school day, and those that don't is that some people are fixed by their own limitations and inability to evolve.
As for opinions on when the personality is formed, how it is formed and whether it is fixed... be they by academics or lay perople.. are like a**holes, everyone has one. They are theories: only with empirical evidence do they become fact.
Tx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Tuffgirl, I'm sorry. I can be argumentative at times, and I do try to work on that.
All I'm saying, and I hope it's a help to someone, is that when a person is grown, what you see is what you get. They can modify some behaviors, sure, but the A Type personality is not going to stop being controlling and the mama's boy is not going to be more than what he is. It's something to consider when choosing a mate or deciding to end a marriage or relationship that is not working.
Sure alcohol abuse will change a personality for the worse, but when the alcoholic stops drinking, who he always was will still be there. The evidence is there.
All I'm saying, and I hope it's a help to someone, is that when a person is grown, what you see is what you get. They can modify some behaviors, sure, but the A Type personality is not going to stop being controlling and the mama's boy is not going to be more than what he is. It's something to consider when choosing a mate or deciding to end a marriage or relationship that is not working.
Sure alcohol abuse will change a personality for the worse, but when the alcoholic stops drinking, who he always was will still be there. The evidence is there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Attention FFA members, please read this. Right now.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I have neither the time nor the patience to go thru a dozen threads and ask those who need to be told to stop flaming, defending, arguing, debating etc.
Use the ignore button. Go take a walk. Go to another thread where you can offer your own experience strength and hope.
This is a place for those who want help to get some help.
Thanks for your understanding.
Cats
Forum Mod
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I have neither the time nor the patience to go thru a dozen threads and ask those who need to be told to stop flaming, defending, arguing, debating etc.
Use the ignore button. Go take a walk. Go to another thread where you can offer your own experience strength and hope.
This is a place for those who want help to get some help.
Thanks for your understanding.
Cats
Forum Mod
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
OMG - again? This was such a good post for those of us who NEED it. Please; stop arguing with our reality or trying to re-frame it to fit yours. This forum is not for people who want to ARGUE or DOMINATE. It is for people to support each other through some very rough and challenging times. You are not helping; you are hindering.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
alcoholism "freezes" them at the level of maturity where they were when they started drinking.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I just want to share and say thank you to FindingPeace and LexieCat and others for your shares. This thread has made me finally come to accept that I need to go to A.A. I posted on the Alcoholism side of SR today to try to get myself some help. Thank you.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
L2L, i had to go back and reread to figure out what I said! 
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
L2L, i had to go back and reread to figure out what I said!
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
you are strong and courageous.
thank you for being here and sharing.
Beth
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
L2L, i had to go back and reread to figure out what I said!
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
I don't know what it was; probably it is just that you are ready. Nonetheless, that is phenomenal. You are such a wise and wonderful soul L2L and when i see your avatar, I am always excited to see what wisdom you will share. i value you highly.
What makes you want to go to AA?
Hugs, peace
I'm sick of it. And there's only so much a physician can do to help me. The rest is up to me. I've been told many times that I need to go to AA, and I have avoided it entirely until now. It's time for a change.
Thank you for your compliment. It truly warms my heart. For many reasons. Beth and I were just PMing earlier how difficult it can be to accept compliments sometimes because I just don't believe what the other person is saying about my self. I think my alcoholism and resultant behavior plays a key role in that. That's what makes me want to go to AA, because I know I have been horrible and I need to get control of the only thing I can control: Me.
Sorry, I did not mean to hijack your thread.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
My list:
Manipulation: they may not MEAN to do it. I do believe it's part of their "all about me" aspect of the disease but that doens't discount the fact it still is part of who they are whether it's while in recovery or still actively drinking.
Disrespect: It can be the fact that they conviently don't listen to what you say, as in really don't hear it. Or the fact that they know that leaving their clothes on the floor everyday makes you have to work harder to take care of your family. They expect the kids to pick them up, but yet they think you should pick up theirs. And don't see anything wrong w/ telling the kids ...your disrespecting your mom. twisted.
No doing what they say they are going to do: Don't say it if you don't mean it. Period. If you say your going to be home to watch the kids so I can do something I need to, whether it be something for ME or grocery shopping. Nothing should stand in the way, not even your AA friends who want you to do something more fun.
Inability to prioritize: Recovery programs are important but your family is too. So if you need to go to a meeting go. But don't turn it into a 4 hour event that involves going out to dinner, or coffee and returning long afterward and expect me to be okay with it. then I get accused of interfering with their recovery?! Seriously? Give me a break. Grow the $%^& up!
It's all about ME! : Nope...it's not. It's not about you or me...it's about our family and what is best for them. So work your program. Stop making unnecessary drama that just muddy's the water of that recovery to avoid doing the work.
Gratitude: HAVE some. Be grateful that I've stuck by you. Don't try to blame me for your issues. don't act like your kids are a burden that you HAVE to deal with ...when you can find the time.
ANGER: control it. My friends are naturally going to be there for me and repeatedly tell me to put you to the curb w/ your stuff in a hefty bag when they hear you've hurt me (emotionally). Get over that. Your friends are the ones telling you to leave..and I don't hold it against them (h$%% they are a bunch of alcoholics...they live in your distorted reality too...of course they will say that! recovery or not!). Besides...it's not all about you and what YOU want.
Manipulation: they may not MEAN to do it. I do believe it's part of their "all about me" aspect of the disease but that doens't discount the fact it still is part of who they are whether it's while in recovery or still actively drinking.
Disrespect: It can be the fact that they conviently don't listen to what you say, as in really don't hear it. Or the fact that they know that leaving their clothes on the floor everyday makes you have to work harder to take care of your family. They expect the kids to pick them up, but yet they think you should pick up theirs. And don't see anything wrong w/ telling the kids ...your disrespecting your mom. twisted.
No doing what they say they are going to do: Don't say it if you don't mean it. Period. If you say your going to be home to watch the kids so I can do something I need to, whether it be something for ME or grocery shopping. Nothing should stand in the way, not even your AA friends who want you to do something more fun.
Inability to prioritize: Recovery programs are important but your family is too. So if you need to go to a meeting go. But don't turn it into a 4 hour event that involves going out to dinner, or coffee and returning long afterward and expect me to be okay with it. then I get accused of interfering with their recovery?! Seriously? Give me a break. Grow the $%^& up!
It's all about ME! : Nope...it's not. It's not about you or me...it's about our family and what is best for them. So work your program. Stop making unnecessary drama that just muddy's the water of that recovery to avoid doing the work.
Gratitude: HAVE some. Be grateful that I've stuck by you. Don't try to blame me for your issues. don't act like your kids are a burden that you HAVE to deal with ...when you can find the time.
ANGER: control it. My friends are naturally going to be there for me and repeatedly tell me to put you to the curb w/ your stuff in a hefty bag when they hear you've hurt me (emotionally). Get over that. Your friends are the ones telling you to leave..and I don't hold it against them (h$%% they are a bunch of alcoholics...they live in your distorted reality too...of course they will say that! recovery or not!). Besides...it's not all about you and what YOU want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
blwn - it sounds like you might be accepting your list. I know I am still hanging on, although nothing has changed. Are you and why?
I find it interesting that we both can make pretty darn clear lists, and yet...
the next step is killing me. How about you?
I find it interesting that we both can make pretty darn clear lists, and yet...
the next step is killing me. How about you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
blwn - it sounds like you might be accepting your list. I know I am still hanging on, although nothing has changed. Are you and why?
I find it interesting that we both can make pretty darn clear lists, and yet...
the next step is killing me. How about you?
I find it interesting that we both can make pretty darn clear lists, and yet...
the next step is killing me. How about you?
The step after that IS to put him out. No not w/ just a hefty bag..that wouldn't be good for my kids to see. But to ensure my own emotional health and welfare...and theirs...he has to go. If he doesn't want to get better, doesn't see that there is anything wrong w/ his behavior, whether he's in R or not...well I do, and he gotta go.
My oldest son who is an adult told me the other day "how many more times are you going to let him do this to you?"
really made me realize how damaging this relationship is to my kids. I don't want my younger 2 to grow up w/ this and seeing me accept it.
I want to respect myself and have THEM respect me....and I can't do that if I'm letting RAH manipulate me and constantly discount everything I say or do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Abuse and lies.
Empty promises.
I never believed i would take any of this from anyone,especially someone who was supposed to love me,but while i was in the thick of it it was hard to see that any of it was really that bad,but having time away i realise that i was being manipulated and abused physically and emotionally,this is something that i will never take off of any man,no matter how messed up they are.
Ghirl xx
Empty promises.
I never believed i would take any of this from anyone,especially someone who was supposed to love me,but while i was in the thick of it it was hard to see that any of it was really that bad,but having time away i realise that i was being manipulated and abused physically and emotionally,this is something that i will never take off of any man,no matter how messed up they are.
Ghirl xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
I've heard that too--"Most alcoholics stop maturing around the time they started drinking."
However, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I stopped maturing long before I ever thought of drinking.
However, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I stopped maturing long before I ever thought of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: kentucky
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
Lying (especially repeatedly and with little or forced acknowledgement and apology)
Unwillingness to own his behavior
Unwillingness to acknowldege the seriousness of his behaviour
Shut downs, silent treatment, meanness, sarcasm, fatalism (especially on a regular basis)
Hiding alcohol or other secret things.
Unwillingness to own his behavior
Unwillingness to acknowldege the seriousness of his behaviour
Shut downs, silent treatment, meanness, sarcasm, fatalism (especially on a regular basis)
Hiding alcohol or other secret things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by kudzujean
I've heard that too--"Most alcoholics stop maturing around the time they started drinking."
However, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I stopped maturing long before I ever thought of drinking.
However, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I stopped maturing long before I ever thought of drinking.
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