theuncertainty

I've been reading on identifying feelings and thoughts. I've come across a section with which I'm having a harder time than usual and could use some input.

The gist of the current chapter is: When your thoughts are negative, they trigger negative feelings, and then your resulting actions are negative, which results in the next action (by the other party) being negative. Alternatively, if your thoughts are positive, they trigger positive feelings, which lead to positive actions, which leads to the next action (by the other party) being positive.

I get the first part. I completely see that by reacting in the same negative way that I have for the past 10 years, I'm inviting XAH to behave as he always did.

I can even accept that if I change my thinking to positive, positive feelings will result, and my actions will be more positive. I do not, however, think that just because I behave in a more positive manner, that XAH will too.

This isn't to say that I'm not going to try to do better. I just don't see it affecting him in a positive manner. In fact, I kind of expect the opposite hold true. (He'll ramp up his manipulation.) Or am I being too literal with the reading?

Or maybe since the book is meant for the relatively-normies, it would work in relationships with non-abusive, non-alcoholics?

JenT1968

we can't control other people's behaviour, thoughts, feelings or actions. that goes for both negative and positive reactions.

There are ways of dealing with people that make it more likely that a percentage of them will respond in a more positive or negative manner: management techniques, psychology, counselling, all have strategies that rely on this. BUT it's no guarantee, just makes it more likely for a percentage of people: on an individual scale this can be even more wobbly: all the positive thinking in the world won't make someone else respect you, treat you well, interact accordingly if that is not in their modus operandi. positive thinking cannot overcome addiction, abuse etc, if it could there would be no addiction or abuse.

Trust your gut. You know the dynamic of his behaviours better than anyone, and pop or even proper, well resear ched psychology books/methods, don't apply in this situation. If you want to find a way of dealing with an abusive addict becaue you have to interact with him on some level, find a book/programme/counsellor that can deal with that, I had to ditch all the regular books on how to get through marriage difficulties, co-parent, relate to another etc, because they were based on a premise that was false in my situation.

Positve thinking can be good for me; if I think people will treat me well, then I don't worry about them not, and work myself into an anxious mess waiting for it to happen, the flip-side is that I have to accept that people will sometimes treat me badly and not be surprised when they do: it's a difficult balance and I haven't cracked it at all. The best strategy for me is to limit the opportunity for any interaction with ex because it is so difficult. I hope one day it will all wash over me, good or bad.

StarCat

I would say that in general, if you go into a situation and act positively, the reaction you get in return will be more positive than if you hadn't, and if you go and act negatively, the reaction you get in return will be more negative in most situations.
Some people just want to be negative, so no matter how positive you are, you'll never get a positive reaction from them. (There are some positive people who are not affected that well by negativity, as well.)
But even then, it's not always. I know my ABF blew up at me the last time (as in, the last time I was ever alone with him, the last time he was ever in my apartment) because I wasn't being negative and he wanted me to be negative.

The thing I'd take away from that part of the book is that if you go into a situation with a positive attitude, and you do your best to remain the positive person that negativity doesn't affect, you'll come out of the situation feeling better, and at the bare minimum you'll feel as if whatever decision you made was based more on logic, not frustration and other emotions.

The book is basically telling you to be positive even if the other person is negative, so that direction alone should be clear enough to say that the other person could also choose to be unphased by your actions and behavior.

I just do my best not to give anyone an excuse to try and blame it on me. The better I behave (as in, "more positive and cheerful," not the "codependent and enabling" type), the more insane any complaints to the opposite will appear.

Learn2Live

Negative people are toxic to me and I have to avoid them like the plague.
Some people, no matter how happy, upbeat, or positive you are, are going to be negative, nasty, miserable, complaining, ugh! no matter what you do. Moods ARE infectious-just put people in a room with a laughing baby or toddler.

You do realize you seem more concerned with affecting HIM than yourself?

Tuffgirl

I wholeheartedly agree with this post! My first read is why care about how he feels? If being a positive person with positive actions makes you feel good, then that's all that matters.

I also think this is more about the energy we put out to the world, and how people in general naturally respond to our energy. If you are thinking positive thoughts and having positive actions, people will respond positively MOST of the time. Some people are just so darn negative that they will always try to rain on a happy person's parade, regardless of the situation. Run, Forest, Run from those people and don't look back. They are good energy vampires and will leave you empty.

JenT1968

to be fair though, someone who is all-continuously-pollyanna about everything no matter what can be bloody draining too; life is not a bowl of cherries, serious stuff happens. Feeling a bit negative from time to time isn't a character flaw. Pretending to feel positive isn't the same as working through negative feelings and coming to a positive state of mind: I'm probably a positive energy vampire

theuncertainty

Not until you pointed it out, L2L

Ok. I've procrastinated all day. How is it I can take an exercise on figuring out my thoughts and feelings and make it about him? Man....

Well. Ok. I'm really not beating myself up. It's an eye opener, for sure.

Phoenixthebird

The World is Mine

Today upon a bus I saw a girl with golden hair;
She seemed so gay, I envied her, and wished that I were half so fair;
I watched her as she rose to leave, and saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch, but as she passed--a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two legs--the world is mine.

Later on I bought some sweets. The boy who sold them had such charm,
I thought I'd stop and talk awhile. If I were late, t'would do no harm.
And as we talked he said, "thank you, sir, you've really been so kind .
It's nice to talk to folks like you because, you see, I'm blind."
Oh, God , forgive me when I whine;
I have two eyes--the world is mine.

Later, walking down the street, I met a boy with eyes so blue.
But he stood and watched the others play, it seemed he knew not what to do.
I paused, and then I said," Why don't you join the others, dear?"
But he looked straight ahead without a word, and then I knew, he couldn't hear.

Oh, God forgive me when I whine;
I have two ears--the world is mine.
Two legs to take me where I go,
Two eyes to see the sunset's glow,
Two ears to hear all I should know,
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I'm blest, indeed, the world is mine.

Dr. Tennyson Guyer