Positives becoming negatives
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Positives becoming negatives
I am one of those on SR who continues to stay in a marriage with active alcoholism but I am finding it increasingly difficult, almost impossible.
I often talk about my AH on SR and how he is a hard worker, very rarely taking time off work at all. I dont know how he manages to get up for work at 5am everyday, as he drinks everyday!
Being a hard worker has been one of his admirable qualities but following a couple of incidents over Christmas when we discussed him having a day off to spend some time with me and he chose to work, it has led me to feel as though I am now coming a poor 3rd behind alcohol and work. Working hard has become a negative!
It is only the two of us, we both work full time and earn more that enough to live comfortably and have no mouths to feed, so there is no need for him to work the hours that he does.
I do believe that he suffers from anxiety and when he works he believes that he is controlling his life and cant possibly be an alcoholic (part of his denial).
Maybe its another addiction - workaholic!
I was coming to terms with being 2nd in his life to alcohol but now 3rd!
I often talk about my AH on SR and how he is a hard worker, very rarely taking time off work at all. I dont know how he manages to get up for work at 5am everyday, as he drinks everyday!
Being a hard worker has been one of his admirable qualities but following a couple of incidents over Christmas when we discussed him having a day off to spend some time with me and he chose to work, it has led me to feel as though I am now coming a poor 3rd behind alcohol and work. Working hard has become a negative!
It is only the two of us, we both work full time and earn more that enough to live comfortably and have no mouths to feed, so there is no need for him to work the hours that he does.
I do believe that he suffers from anxiety and when he works he believes that he is controlling his life and cant possibly be an alcoholic (part of his denial).
Maybe its another addiction - workaholic!
I was coming to terms with being 2nd in his life to alcohol but now 3rd!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Please keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better unless they get help. While you may be able to hang in there for a while, things will become progressively worse, as you are seeing now.
Have you considered finding an al-anon meeting in your area? You will meet others dealing with the same issues you are and learn how to detach from whatever your alcoholic might choose to do.
Have you considered finding an al-anon meeting in your area? You will meet others dealing with the same issues you are and learn how to detach from whatever your alcoholic might choose to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My xah was allergic to work 
but I will share that when things were becoming more difficult at home - I went back into the office after the kids were in bed more and more. Work was like an Oasis where I didn't have think about home, didn't have to be around my xah. Not that you are hard to be around just illustrating that work, like alcohol and the internet and other things, can become an escape when reality is hard to handle.
but I will share that when things were becoming more difficult at home - I went back into the office after the kids were in bed more and more. Work was like an Oasis where I didn't have think about home, didn't have to be around my xah. Not that you are hard to be around just illustrating that work, like alcohol and the internet and other things, can become an escape when reality is hard to handle.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I was married to an alcoholic and have been divorced 3 years. I am also an adult child of two alcoholics. I read in a book over the weekend that" ACOA's marry alcoholics or other compulsive types (workaholics) to fulfill our need for abandonment." Trying to wrap myself around that one........
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I have just read a bit about the term 'workaholic' on the net and it is generally a good term as being hard working is a good thing but if it negatively impacts on your family members then it becomes a negative thing, so I guess that its similar to alcohol in that respect - another ism!
My workaholic/alcoholic can spin too and doesn't see it as a negative thing, just a wife who is a nag. Get rid of the wife, get rid of the problem, then carry on drinking, working etc.
I am coming to the realization that my AH of 23 years has lost all abilities to be compassionate, caring and to empathize with me and my feelings.
BTW - I didn't marry an alcoholic as we were only 15 yrs old (now 45) when we first met. I do have codependent traits but my codependency has developed too, I believe as a result of living with an alcoholic who has progressed.
My workaholic/alcoholic can spin too and doesn't see it as a negative thing, just a wife who is a nag. Get rid of the wife, get rid of the problem, then carry on drinking, working etc.
I am coming to the realization that my AH of 23 years has lost all abilities to be compassionate, caring and to empathize with me and my feelings.
BTW - I didn't marry an alcoholic as we were only 15 yrs old (now 45) when we first met. I do have codependent traits but my codependency has developed too, I believe as a result of living with an alcoholic who has progressed.
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