stella27

I have been separated from AH for about 1 1/2 years and divorced for a few months. And now a really nice man likes me and wants to date me. I have seen him twice - once at a party (he was invited to be a date for me) and this weekend on a double date with the couple who introduced us.

He lives in a town about 80 miles away. he is very nice. respectful. kind. attentive.

I have 3 children who go with their dad every other weekend. That was the case on this second date.

So this nice guy wanted to take me out to supper and hang out at my house talking, much later than I wanted. I started feeling very exposed.

I wanted to go to bed (ALONE!)
I wanted my quiet time in my own house.
I was afraid he would try to go to the grocery store with me or run my errands.

I really liked being with him for the period preceding dinner and for an hour or so after dinner, but beyond that, I got all anxious about sharing my life - even the small parts! with him.

My dogs liked him.

Can you please analyze my feelings and behavior? Thanks.

ladyhawk69

Maybe you're not quite ready to date? I know exactly how you feel. Be honest with this man and if he is worthy of you, he will understand and wait..... Be true to yourself and take care!
Kim

naive

i've discovered that many times, i don't express my needs or boundaries for fear of hurting someone's feelings. i'm taking steps to change this and everytime i communicate my boundaries or needs, i feel such relief that i know it is the right thing.

personally, i am done being polite when men are pushing me beyond my comfort zone.

recently, i've done the following:

if i'm in a bar and a man gets too close to me, i move or say "excuse me, but i need more personal space."

if i am going home and a man says "i'll walk you home, i say no thank you"

if i am going home and a man says "hey, i'm hungry, can i come in and we can have something to eat?" the answer is no.

if a man makes sexual comments that i am not comfortable with, i either leave the company or say, "hey, there are ladies in the company and i personally find your talk offensive."

i know what i want, and that is a bit of peace in my own home and yes, to go to bed alone. i am standing up for it these days and if they think i am rude, frigid or weird, i'm not bothered at all because i know i am none of those things.

i know that feeling is tiptoing around someone's feelings but really, i don't overstay my welcome in places, do you? if i am with a friend, i will ask is it time for me to go? do they have other things they need to do?

barb dwyer

Dinner and a movie doesn't buy you keys to the kingdom...
thanks for the fun, and goodnight!

There's nothing wrong with just owning that.

You weren't comfortable with him,
-lingering-
and that is as simple as that.

While I agree that it just may not be time yet
you could also have ben getting an inner flag
over something you're not even seeing yet.

Nothing wrong with his going home.

That's why it's called dating.

stella27

Y'all are so smart. It's all a boundary issue, isn't it?

My house is my sanctuary, chaotic as it is, and I do get to say who is there and for how long.

He never tried to stay over - he just overstayed chatting by at least an hour or two.

I like what you said about the early reaction to something as yet unrevealed, or maybe just as simple as the boundary issue.

He has been divorced far longer than I and wants a relationship. I am brand new to this and just dipping my toe in the water.

And trying not to beat myself up for my hesitation to jump in.

barb dwyer

this is our official permission slip

to just say goodnight and let/make them go home.

There's no excuses to be made.
It was a good night-now it's over.

Funny the ages we get to learning that, isn't it?

BuffaloGal

I think beating yourself up for not wanting to jump right in to dating again is definitely not a helpful thing to do. But considering why it is difficult to look at your watch and say, "Whoa! Look at the time! It's been great, but I have to get up at 5 a.m. to give my hamster a manicure. Good night!" might be worthwhile.

It really is okay to draw the line, even with people you like. I had a friend over on Christmas morning for breakfast, and he showed signs of settling in for the afternoon. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I finally took a deep breath and said, "I have a lot of work to do, and it will go better if I do it alone." He wasn't insulted or hurt by it (and if he had been, that reaction would have been his, not mine).

This prevented me from getting unnecessarily irritated with him. If I hadn't told him that I needed to be by myself, he probably would have sensed my tension but he would not have known what caused it.

lillamy

Not only is it OK to draw the line, it's necessary.
And it's hard.

I've reconnected with an old friend who has become much more. You could say that we're dating, except it's a long-distance relationship. And I've told him that no matter how much I checked out of my marriage emotionally years ago, I've been out of it practically and legally for less than six months, and I need to take as much time as I need to get sane and feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. I can't tell you if I'll need a year or two or five. And until I get there, I will need more space than most people, and have more hangups than most people. And the only thing I promise is to be utterly upfront about all of it.

He accepts this. And if he hadn't, he wouldn't be a man I was interested in pursuing a relationship with.

I think going into a new life and new relationships with completely open cards and utter honesty is terrifying. But I'd rather state my case upfront and have someone wash their hands of me than end up in a relationship that's not good for me.