nodaybut2day

A few days ago, I received a large package from XAH's mother. She and I are still on excellent terms and I try my best to send her pictures and videos of DD, as well as long letters (the women refuses to step into the computer age and still sends me handwritten letters!). Inside the package she sent, there was an envelope stuffed to the brim with old paper. When I read her letter, I realized that she had sent me practically ALL of XAH's report cards, from kindergarden to grade 8, after which he dropped out of school.

Obviously, I never asked her for this stuff. She just sent me the report cards in response to my comment that DD will not be allowed to attend English schools unless I obtain proof that her father attended English school (stupid Quebec law). I never expected her to send me ALL his report cards.

I read all the comments, written by practically ever teacher XAH ever had. It was quite a revelation. Though there are the usual encouraging comments, such as "C is a very creative child, especially in the visual arts", A LOT of detrimental comments repeated themselves over the years.
"C is still unable to grasp a pencil and form letters properly"
"C experiences great difficulty concentrating for more than a few seconds at a time"
"C has made no progress in this class seeing as he has made no effort whatsoever"
"C's repeated absences impede his progress"
"C needs to change his attitude in this class"

As a teacher, I read all this and begin to understand that XAH's personality problems started at a very young age, probably with some ADD, fine motor skill issues, and subsequently with some motivation issues. It occurred to me that perhaps all these comments are the result of a bunch of teachers ganging up on a child and ostracizing him....but then I see that he attended 4 different schools in 3 different boards. They can't have all plotted against him. There really was a problem and it was never addressed.

I feel sad for him. I also understand a lot better where he started out and why he lied to cover it up. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing to do with the man. I just find it interesting that HP continues to grant me understanding of certain things in my past.

And what about you? What things have been revealed to you as time has passed by and as you've detached?

lillamy

That RAXH probably has undiagnosed mental illness, or at least disorder, that his parents neglected to confront because it interfered with their idea of keeping The Perfect Family Front up at all times.

There's bipolar disorder in his past, but based on the people I know with different disorders, I would guess it's more borderline personality disorder. But he's old school, where mental disorder means "crazy" and there's not a thing he'll do about it, ever. Which makes me really sad.

Bolina

Wow, what a gift. In a sense.... Very sad, though.

I too learned some stuff "after the event", though not as great an insight as yours. My ex was a liar and I learned after we split that it didn't start with me and didn't end with me. One in particular is the same lie (to do with the military) and it makes me sad, tbh. What made me more sad on a selfish level was that it turned out that his family knew it was a lie and kept schtum when we were together and, in fact, played along with it.

I know my ex didn't start off a monster. He was shaped into one by his screwed up family. That doesn't mean that what he did to me hurts any less, however I can gind some compassion and forgiveness in there whilst still holding him responsible for his behavior as an adult.

Like lillamy, I don't see how he will ever address it. Not that it would make any difference to us and hasn't for a long time. He will just drink himself to an early grave and be another lost soul. That's why I am so passionate about protecting the kids from dysfunctional environments. He was one of those once. The time for someone else to save him and give him the best chance was when he was little. It's up to him now.

LucyA

Apart from 'grasping a pencil' and 'repeated absences' that could be Joe.
I'm so pleased that I keep in touch with school and have recently been to a parents evening where I hared the same old stuff, he could do so well but just doesn't make the effort, is disruptive in class etc. I'm on it, but not sure what to do. Teachers just seem to think he's going through a phase of being the class joker, but I really do know different!

Buffalo66

Like I posted last week, the interaction I had with As mom led me to understand quite a bit.

She is suspicious, cynical, harsh, and judgemental. He often told me when he was young, woth four boys in the house and a deliquent father(who she is still involved with)...That they were not allowed to cry, they were not sick enough unless they were vomiting, they were ploying and tricking if they were sad.

I now see, that many of his strange and extreme processes are learned behaviors. I have no doubt there is a personality disorder there, also, but, I can see now that she really did a number on them all. They are all very suspicious, cynical people. If someone is on TV talking about an experience, they almost all will immediately take the devils advocate stance, challenge it, argue it. It is so weird. HE is coming out of some of that, now. ANd since she and I had our little episode, he has not been in contact with her. He is so much more clear when he stays clear of her.
I know it s not all that simple, but...It is really a revelation to me.

I still hope to find some operational means of dealing with her, for my son to see his grandma, but, I know now, that it will never be the same. She is pretty toxic, and his sobriety and approach to treu healing is really challenging her. She even tried to deter him from seeing a psychiatrist, he finally admitted to me, because she does not like the idea that he will be airing his "dirty laundry" to a stranger....

It helps, but he is still a sick person. He is improving, but, man it is hard to see the source so harshly.