bracing myself, because here come the doubts and sadness over what might have been...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
bracing myself, because here come the doubts and sadness over what might have been...
He is not at his brothers house. says they had some type of disagreement, not my business he says. possible that the brother backed up my reactions, possible he laid out the same boundaries for staying with him.
He stayed with a friend in a questionable part of town. Has no plan, is still being kind of rude to me.
He says I crushed his dream of having happiness.
He says I got my period and everything went south.
He says I sh8t on all his good work.
He says he did not drink, and he plans to stay sober.
I do not know if i did the right thing.
He was not working his program.
he would not talk to me about it.
he blew off 2nd psych appnt, no meds...
he panics all day, sleeps all night..
But, he wasnt screwing around on me, wasnt just mean or terrible.
did i toss him out after a month of sobriety as a pre emptive strike?
should i have been more patient?
dammit dammit dammit
I am going to have to trust that I knew what i was doing.
I hate this part. this is the beginning of the phase where i historically cave and get sad instead of staying mad. This is the beginning of the phase where my mind releases some kind of pain killing hormone, which makes me forget why I do what I do...and just leads me straight into nostalgia.
Historically that nostalgia was almost entirely fabricated, since i had 99% bad memories.
This time I am actually going to feel a loss of some real, good, progressive stuff.
He stayed with a friend in a questionable part of town. Has no plan, is still being kind of rude to me.
He says I crushed his dream of having happiness.
He says I got my period and everything went south.
He says I sh8t on all his good work.
He says he did not drink, and he plans to stay sober.
I do not know if i did the right thing.
He was not working his program.
he would not talk to me about it.
he blew off 2nd psych appnt, no meds...
he panics all day, sleeps all night..
But, he wasnt screwing around on me, wasnt just mean or terrible.
did i toss him out after a month of sobriety as a pre emptive strike?
should i have been more patient?
dammit dammit dammit
I am going to have to trust that I knew what i was doing.
I hate this part. this is the beginning of the phase where i historically cave and get sad instead of staying mad. This is the beginning of the phase where my mind releases some kind of pain killing hormone, which makes me forget why I do what I do...and just leads me straight into nostalgia.
Historically that nostalgia was almost entirely fabricated, since i had 99% bad memories.
This time I am actually going to feel a loss of some real, good, progressive stuff.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
You can take this decision to be separated day by day. Write down everything about why you did this so you can remember when your mind starts conspiring against you. Just breathe in and out and take care of yourself - warm bath, good book, early bedtime.
You can re-visit the issue tomorrow. Just give yourself the night off. His quacking is not helpful to your resolve, is it? I had the same problem.
You can re-visit the issue tomorrow. Just give yourself the night off. His quacking is not helpful to your resolve, is it? I had the same problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 36
I am still at that point of longing for the old days and what might have been. I still love him, but I can't be with him. I can't fall for the lies and manipulations that accompany this disease. I have to stay strong for my kids. I have given in soooo many times and let him back in the house in hopes that things would be different. They just got worse. Right now I'm setting boundaries of exactly what type of relationship that I want with him. The first step if and when he becomes sober will be some type of co-parenting and visitation with the kids. But I will never be sucked back in again until he is REALLY working a program, minimum a year, probably more. Keeping reading, you will get stronger.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
As was said here on another thread -
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
I do the SAME thing as you are doing. I spin in my head:
Did I make the right choice?
Am I being unfair?
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am being harsh...
on and on.
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
Blaming you, being cruel, b.s.ing are NOT signs of recovery.
So, here is an opportunity to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
Try to start noticing what your brain is doing. Catch yourself in your thoughts. If you can, you can say, "Oh, look! There I am doubting myself again. Oops. I am going to quit that now."
You are worth peace. You are worth kindness. You are worth honesty. You are worth communication.
You are getting a regular ride to crazytown with him holding the reins.
Stay off the horse.
Hugs
peace
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
I do the SAME thing as you are doing. I spin in my head:
Did I make the right choice?
Am I being unfair?
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am being harsh...
on and on.
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
Blaming you, being cruel, b.s.ing are NOT signs of recovery.
So, here is an opportunity to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
Try to start noticing what your brain is doing. Catch yourself in your thoughts. If you can, you can say, "Oh, look! There I am doubting myself again. Oops. I am going to quit that now."
You are worth peace. You are worth kindness. You are worth honesty. You are worth communication.
You are getting a regular ride to crazytown with him holding the reins.
Stay off the horse.
Hugs
peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 
As was said here on another thread -
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
I do the SAME thing as you are doing. I spin in my head:
Did I make the right choice?
Am I being unfair?
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am being harsh...
on and on.
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
Blaming you, being cruel, b.s.ing are NOT signs of recovery.
So, here is an opportunity to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
Try to start noticing what your brain is doing. Catch yourself in your thoughts. If you can, you can say, "Oh, look! There I am doubting myself again. Oops. I am going to quit that now."
You are worth peace. You are worth kindness. You are worth honesty. You are worth communication.
You are getting a regular ride to crazytown with him holding the reins.
Stay off the horse.
Hugs
peace
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
I do the SAME thing as you are doing. I spin in my head:
Did I make the right choice?
Am I being unfair?
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am being harsh...
on and on.
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
Blaming you, being cruel, b.s.ing are NOT signs of recovery.
So, here is an opportunity to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
Try to start noticing what your brain is doing. Catch yourself in your thoughts. If you can, you can say, "Oh, look! There I am doubting myself again. Oops. I am going to quit that now."
You are worth peace. You are worth kindness. You are worth honesty. You are worth communication.
You are getting a regular ride to crazytown with him holding the reins.
Stay off the horse.
Hugs
peace
Trust yourself, Buffalo ~ as so many others point out on a regular basis - play the tape to the end.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
He stayed with a friend in a questionable part of town. Has no plan, is still being kind of rude to me.
He says I crushed his dream of having happiness.
He says I got my period and everything went south.
He says I sh8t on all his good work.
He says I crushed his dream of having happiness.
He says I got my period and everything went south.
He says I sh8t on all his good work.
These are not the words or the actions of someone in recovery. If he wanted recovery, he would be owning his part. He would be keeping his side of the street clean. He wouldn't be blaming, shaming, and trying to guilt you into doing things his way. He wouldn't be rude to you, but genuinely concerned over what is troubling you.
You deserve better. Just sayin.
L
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Have you tried going No Contact yet Buffalo? Because whenever I would try to speak to the alcoholic or addict in my life, I would get drawn back into the self doubt, etc such as you describe. If you don't talk to them, they can't make you doubt yourself. Maybe think about no contact?
It also helps me to write out everything every day. That way, I can refer back to my words and remember just what hell I have been living.
You will feel better soon. Your job right now is to keep breathing. (((hugs)))
It also helps me to write out everything every day. That way, I can refer back to my words and remember just what hell I have been living.
You will feel better soon. Your job right now is to keep breathing. (((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks, Everyone
L2L,
we have a young child. I have done no contact over the years. right now, we had been emotionally better than ever, i terms of consistency.
he just left a day ago. I am just trying to hold onto my sense of sanity.
i will probably have to go no contact.
he was calling today under the guise of concern over our son who has a stomach flu in the extreme.
I am going to have to greive for what truly might have been, because this was the closest we have ever got since he started drinking.
I was held, heard, looked at by someone who was behind his eyes. I had not had that for years. and i love him. I have been hopelessly in love with him from the moment i met him.
The treatment was like a miracle, he really did do some wrok, because he did change..It just did not stick, and now he is slipping back, and it is tragic.
its ok. i will be ok. I just do really hate this part the most.
I have a lot going on, i am self fulfilled, I am writing a book, painting, i am spiritually awake. Thats better tha ive been for a while, and that happened BEFORE he made his change.
I am excited to get back to all of that full time, without having to worry over him being a teenager in a 32 y.o. body.
just the hardest part right now...well, so far, anyway.
Thanks
L2L,
we have a young child. I have done no contact over the years. right now, we had been emotionally better than ever, i terms of consistency.
he just left a day ago. I am just trying to hold onto my sense of sanity.
i will probably have to go no contact.
he was calling today under the guise of concern over our son who has a stomach flu in the extreme.
I am going to have to greive for what truly might have been, because this was the closest we have ever got since he started drinking.
I was held, heard, looked at by someone who was behind his eyes. I had not had that for years. and i love him. I have been hopelessly in love with him from the moment i met him.
The treatment was like a miracle, he really did do some wrok, because he did change..It just did not stick, and now he is slipping back, and it is tragic.
its ok. i will be ok. I just do really hate this part the most.
I have a lot going on, i am self fulfilled, I am writing a book, painting, i am spiritually awake. Thats better tha ive been for a while, and that happened BEFORE he made his change.
I am excited to get back to all of that full time, without having to worry over him being a teenager in a 32 y.o. body.
just the hardest part right now...well, so far, anyway.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by anvilhead
except you wanted more than a weight that kept the couch from floating away. you outlined the conditions upon his return to the home, and he didn't even come close to meeting or exceeding them.
TRUE recovery is ACTION.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have been hopelessly in love with him from the moment i met him.
And I believe there was a very important lesson for me to learn when he came back into my life a few years ago. For me, that was to see that it is unhealthy and WRONG for me to place other people on pedestals. It is WRONG for me to make another human being my Higher Power. Maybe your lesson is something similar.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Aww the pain is so very fresh. I agree with the above poster, going NC is a life saver for many, doesn't mean it has to be for good. Going NC is a daily/constant decision too...
What kind of paintings do you do?? have you thought on drawing and painting how you feel? I did this really sad drawing and we are going to burn it in a ceremony with my therapist and the group. Art can be a great outlet for all these feelings...
Keep moving forward and the payoffs for these decisions you are making now will come back to you... your sadness will be nothing compared to the joys and gifts life will give you.
What kind of paintings do you do?? have you thought on drawing and painting how you feel? I did this really sad drawing and we are going to burn it in a ceremony with my therapist and the group. Art can be a great outlet for all these feelings...
Keep moving forward and the payoffs for these decisions you are making now will come back to you... your sadness will be nothing compared to the joys and gifts life will give you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
