I don't want to help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
I don't want to help!
Hi All,
As you know, I left AH about a month ago, and I am now living in my quiet, tranquil apartment with my kitties. I have previously posted about how to decide whether AH is recovered "enough," and how I will be able to tell. At this point, I have to be honest and admit that I'm not that interested in figuring it out, and I don't want to help AH with his recovery. To be clear, I do care about AH, and I do want him to be in recovery. I just don't want to help.
Last weekend, I went to see AH at the house, and we actually ended up having fun and hanging out. However, I feel like us having fun together makes the problem solved in his mind. Although it was fun, I couldn't help but feel like I don't want to go back to that life like nothing ever happened. AH was pretty upset when I told him that I am going to see my family--alone--for Thanksgiving. He said that we need to make our Christmas plans together because being apart for holidays is damaging to our marriage. Well, duh, but I think we're a bit beyond that.
On Monday, at his request, I went to an AA meeting with AH. I actually really liked the topic, which was excuses that alcoholics make to get themselves to believe that they aren't really alcoholics. I really wanted AH to hear that message, but he didn't have any comments about it. Or anything else. After the meeting, AH said that he didn't think there was much of a topic at this particular meeting. Oh, and he still hasn't gotten a sponsor, or started the steps.
So, the whole AA meeting was me being supportive of AH. But who is being supportive of me??? Why is it my job to "be supportive," and do everything I can to help AH with his recovery? Why is it my job to convince him that just saying you are in recovery doesn't actually make you in recovery? He claims he knows this, but I just don't see it. And I really don't want to go to another AA meeting anytime soon. While I think AA is awesome, and I'm glad it's there, I am not that interested in understanding what AH is going through at this point. Maybe that makes me selfish, but why is it ALWAYS about him and what he's going through???
AH told me that he got addicted to nicotine gum because he was trying to lose weight. He began drinking excessively to distract him from the gum, so he wouldn't chew it. He said that he was embarrassed by this, which is why he didn't tell me before. I said that this situation shows that he's prone to addiction because he trades one addiction for another, and he still needs to work recovery for both issues. But I think he told me about the gum to convince me that he had a benign reason as the root of his drinking. He didn't actually say that, but I think it's just another excuse as to why he believes that he's not REALLY an alcoholic.
Okay, so AH is "being good" right now. Not drinking, going to meetings, being nice to me. But I still don't want to go back. Someone tell me it's okay to not want to go back. Or tell me, gently, why I should go back anyway. I said that I would consider reconciling if he got into recovery. What if he is in recovery (which I still think is questionable), but I still don't want to reconcile?
As you know, I left AH about a month ago, and I am now living in my quiet, tranquil apartment with my kitties. I have previously posted about how to decide whether AH is recovered "enough," and how I will be able to tell. At this point, I have to be honest and admit that I'm not that interested in figuring it out, and I don't want to help AH with his recovery. To be clear, I do care about AH, and I do want him to be in recovery. I just don't want to help.
Last weekend, I went to see AH at the house, and we actually ended up having fun and hanging out. However, I feel like us having fun together makes the problem solved in his mind. Although it was fun, I couldn't help but feel like I don't want to go back to that life like nothing ever happened. AH was pretty upset when I told him that I am going to see my family--alone--for Thanksgiving. He said that we need to make our Christmas plans together because being apart for holidays is damaging to our marriage. Well, duh, but I think we're a bit beyond that.
On Monday, at his request, I went to an AA meeting with AH. I actually really liked the topic, which was excuses that alcoholics make to get themselves to believe that they aren't really alcoholics. I really wanted AH to hear that message, but he didn't have any comments about it. Or anything else. After the meeting, AH said that he didn't think there was much of a topic at this particular meeting. Oh, and he still hasn't gotten a sponsor, or started the steps.
So, the whole AA meeting was me being supportive of AH. But who is being supportive of me??? Why is it my job to "be supportive," and do everything I can to help AH with his recovery? Why is it my job to convince him that just saying you are in recovery doesn't actually make you in recovery? He claims he knows this, but I just don't see it. And I really don't want to go to another AA meeting anytime soon. While I think AA is awesome, and I'm glad it's there, I am not that interested in understanding what AH is going through at this point. Maybe that makes me selfish, but why is it ALWAYS about him and what he's going through???
AH told me that he got addicted to nicotine gum because he was trying to lose weight. He began drinking excessively to distract him from the gum, so he wouldn't chew it. He said that he was embarrassed by this, which is why he didn't tell me before. I said that this situation shows that he's prone to addiction because he trades one addiction for another, and he still needs to work recovery for both issues. But I think he told me about the gum to convince me that he had a benign reason as the root of his drinking. He didn't actually say that, but I think it's just another excuse as to why he believes that he's not REALLY an alcoholic.
Okay, so AH is "being good" right now. Not drinking, going to meetings, being nice to me. But I still don't want to go back. Someone tell me it's okay to not want to go back. Or tell me, gently, why I should go back anyway. I said that I would consider reconciling if he got into recovery. What if he is in recovery (which I still think is questionable), but I still don't want to reconcile?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
It's okay not to want to go back. But...if that's your final answer, I'd tell him sooner rather than later. You have every right to live your life however you want. If you truly believe you are happier without him, then you have that right.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
you matter...
...that's it.
Take care of you. Stop thinking about him. Stop helping him. Stop trying to be able to tell. Think about you. Help you. Good Lord Woman, help yourself. You cannot help him. The more you "help," the more you are hurting him. He's playing you like a fiddle and you are allowing it.
If you really want recovery for you, go to Al-Anon. If you really want him to have a chance in hell at recovery, you go to Al-Anon.
Leave him alone. Completely, totally, and utterly alone. You know what alcoholics do when they can't get help from other people? They give up and drink themselves to death, or they help themselves and find recovery. Either way you can't do a damn thing to sway it one way or another except to stop enabling them. It's all up to them. And you? You are up to you.
Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon.
Cyranoak
Take care of you. Stop thinking about him. Stop helping him. Stop trying to be able to tell. Think about you. Help you. Good Lord Woman, help yourself. You cannot help him. The more you "help," the more you are hurting him. He's playing you like a fiddle and you are allowing it.
If you really want recovery for you, go to Al-Anon. If you really want him to have a chance in hell at recovery, you go to Al-Anon.
Leave him alone. Completely, totally, and utterly alone. You know what alcoholics do when they can't get help from other people? They give up and drink themselves to death, or they help themselves and find recovery. Either way you can't do a damn thing to sway it one way or another except to stop enabling them. It's all up to them. And you? You are up to you.
Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
Hi All,
As you know, I left AH about a month ago, and I am now living in my quiet, tranquil apartment with my kitties. I have previously posted about how to decide whether AH is recovered "enough," and how I will be able to tell. At this point, I have to be honest and admit that I'm not that interested in figuring it out, and I don't want to help AH with his recovery. To be clear, I do care about AH, and I do want him to be in recovery. I just don't want to help.
Last weekend, I went to see AH at the house, and we actually ended up having fun and hanging out. However, I feel like us having fun together makes the problem solved in his mind. Although it was fun, I couldn't help but feel like I don't want to go back to that life like nothing ever happened. AH was pretty upset when I told him that I am going to see my family--alone--for Thanksgiving. He said that we need to make our Christmas plans together because being apart for holidays is damaging to our marriage. Well, duh, but I think we're a bit beyond that.
On Monday, at his request, I went to an AA meeting with AH. I actually really liked the topic, which was excuses that alcoholics make to get themselves to believe that they aren't really alcoholics. I really wanted AH to hear that message, but he didn't have any comments about it. Or anything else. After the meeting, AH said that he didn't think there was much of a topic at this particular meeting. Oh, and he still hasn't gotten a sponsor, or started the steps.
So, the whole AA meeting was me being supportive of AH. But who is being supportive of me??? Why is it my job to "be supportive," and do everything I can to help AH with his recovery? Why is it my job to convince him that just saying you are in recovery doesn't actually make you in recovery? He claims he knows this, but I just don't see it. And I really don't want to go to another AA meeting anytime soon. While I think AA is awesome, and I'm glad it's there, I am not that interested in understanding what AH is going through at this point. Maybe that makes me selfish, but why is it ALWAYS about him and what he's going through???
AH told me that he got addicted to nicotine gum because he was trying to lose weight. He began drinking excessively to distract him from the gum, so he wouldn't chew it. He said that he was embarrassed by this, which is why he didn't tell me before. I said that this situation shows that he's prone to addiction because he trades one addiction for another, and he still needs to work recovery for both issues. But I think he told me about the gum to convince me that he had a benign reason as the root of his drinking. He didn't actually say that, but I think it's just another excuse as to why he believes that he's not REALLY an alcoholic.
Okay, so AH is "being good" right now. Not drinking, going to meetings, being nice to me. But I still don't want to go back. Someone tell me it's okay to not want to go back. Or tell me, gently, why I should go back anyway. I said that I would consider reconciling if he got into recovery. What if he is in recovery (which I still think is questionable), but I still don't want to reconcile?
As you know, I left AH about a month ago, and I am now living in my quiet, tranquil apartment with my kitties. I have previously posted about how to decide whether AH is recovered "enough," and how I will be able to tell. At this point, I have to be honest and admit that I'm not that interested in figuring it out, and I don't want to help AH with his recovery. To be clear, I do care about AH, and I do want him to be in recovery. I just don't want to help.
Last weekend, I went to see AH at the house, and we actually ended up having fun and hanging out. However, I feel like us having fun together makes the problem solved in his mind. Although it was fun, I couldn't help but feel like I don't want to go back to that life like nothing ever happened. AH was pretty upset when I told him that I am going to see my family--alone--for Thanksgiving. He said that we need to make our Christmas plans together because being apart for holidays is damaging to our marriage. Well, duh, but I think we're a bit beyond that.
On Monday, at his request, I went to an AA meeting with AH. I actually really liked the topic, which was excuses that alcoholics make to get themselves to believe that they aren't really alcoholics. I really wanted AH to hear that message, but he didn't have any comments about it. Or anything else. After the meeting, AH said that he didn't think there was much of a topic at this particular meeting. Oh, and he still hasn't gotten a sponsor, or started the steps.
So, the whole AA meeting was me being supportive of AH. But who is being supportive of me??? Why is it my job to "be supportive," and do everything I can to help AH with his recovery? Why is it my job to convince him that just saying you are in recovery doesn't actually make you in recovery? He claims he knows this, but I just don't see it. And I really don't want to go to another AA meeting anytime soon. While I think AA is awesome, and I'm glad it's there, I am not that interested in understanding what AH is going through at this point. Maybe that makes me selfish, but why is it ALWAYS about him and what he's going through???
AH told me that he got addicted to nicotine gum because he was trying to lose weight. He began drinking excessively to distract him from the gum, so he wouldn't chew it. He said that he was embarrassed by this, which is why he didn't tell me before. I said that this situation shows that he's prone to addiction because he trades one addiction for another, and he still needs to work recovery for both issues. But I think he told me about the gum to convince me that he had a benign reason as the root of his drinking. He didn't actually say that, but I think it's just another excuse as to why he believes that he's not REALLY an alcoholic.
Okay, so AH is "being good" right now. Not drinking, going to meetings, being nice to me. But I still don't want to go back. Someone tell me it's okay to not want to go back. Or tell me, gently, why I should go back anyway. I said that I would consider reconciling if he got into recovery. What if he is in recovery (which I still think is questionable), but I still don't want to reconcile?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
It took me a long, long time to realize that it was ok to have that feeling.
I was a damn good wife, and I worked hard to save our marriage. But I learned that it takes both *partners* to do so. And I was tired of it. He still insists that I gave up. And fine, whatever. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore and I admit it.
When I was in your shoes, I stalled for time. I needed more time to see where I was, and what I wanted. It wasn't until we had been separated for about 6 months that I went ahead and filed for divorce, and although the divorce has taken forever, that 6 months gave me a new perspective that I didn't have to live like that.
Be gentle with yourself. A month still isn't that long. And the red flags in your mind are popping up for a reason.
D
I was a damn good wife, and I worked hard to save our marriage. But I learned that it takes both *partners* to do so. And I was tired of it. He still insists that I gave up. And fine, whatever. I gave up. I couldn't do it anymore and I admit it.
When I was in your shoes, I stalled for time. I needed more time to see where I was, and what I wanted. It wasn't until we had been separated for about 6 months that I went ahead and filed for divorce, and although the divorce has taken forever, that 6 months gave me a new perspective that I didn't have to live like that.
Be gentle with yourself. A month still isn't that long. And the red flags in your mind are popping up for a reason.
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
