HealingWillCome

Lately I have been thinking about how I almost never had verbal disagreements or fights with my XAH or my XABF. I was the pleaser and peacekeeper. Calm on the outside, but angry on the inside if he was doing or saying something I disagreed with. And afraid to speak my mind.

What I have realized is that is related to my family of origin, and fear of abandonment. It stems from fights that my mom and AF had when I was very young. I have been told that I would cry myself to sleep when they fought. He was a verbally abusive, womanizing drunk who went out most nights and would return home and pick fights or demand sex. My mom would defend herself and speak her mind. Then when I was 7, AF left us.

I don't have any memories of these fights. But I'm certain that in my subconscious, I have related marital conflict to abandonment. My mom stood up for herself -- my dad left.

I know it's good that I have made this connection, but I struggle with learning how to have healthy fights, healthy conflict with a man who I am in a relationship with.

I can assert myself in all of my other relationships -- with my parents, siblings, daughters, friends, co-workers, bosses, strangers...

But when it comes to men that I love, my boundaries come tumbling down. That strategy obviously hasn't worked either. I need to learn how to have healthy disagreements with a man without fear of abandonment!

Sometimes I marvel at my sisters and my girlfriends who can say things that, in my mind, are mean and horrible to their spouses...and not be afraid of rejection by their men. What I realize later is that what they've said isn't necessarily mean or horrible, just honest and to the point. And their husbands might not like what they're hearing, but they don't leave them because of it. They work things out.

Maybe it takes being afraid and doing it anyway? Maybe if I were to practice that kind of conflict resolution the fear would go away...assuming it is practiced with a healthy partner, right?

Can anyone else relate to this?

Thumper

I can relate. My xah and I didn't fight or argue. In the end, after I filed for divorce, he spent many drunken hours ranting and raving but that wasn't what our relationship was like at all. We didn't argue, and hardly even disagreed. Not because we were always in agreement - we just didn't know how - didn't want to. He had as much trouble with it as I did. The counselor did say it was fixable so I figure there is hope for me yet!

My father didn't leave us but he had a job where he was only home a few days a year. My mom was not happy in the marriage and we knew it. I had no idea how to go about being in a relationship - and still don't even though I was married.

stella27

I relate 100 percent, Healing. I marvel at my friends who express irritation with their spouses - I want to say "you love him - be sweet to him!" and their husbands just laugh it off, and I wonder what my married life would have been like if I had had a husband who knew how to laugh it off - or if I did.

My parents never fought. They still don't, and they are happily married, in spite of a repressed-conflict pattern that defies all modern therapeutic thinking. As a result, though, I don't know how to handle criticism. Somehow I married an AH who deals with confrontation by raging at you til you go away...sobbing, heartbroken, afraid.

Thank God I am out of that relationship, but I don't know where it leaves me for future relationships.

HealingWillCome

Thumper, so did mine. He hated conflict, still does. He's now married to an even less-assertive wife than I was. She was only 18 when he left us for her (he was 36). My girls pick up on her submissiveness and husband-pleasing behavior all the time. I hate that it is modeled for them, but I'm glad that they tell me about it and we can at least talk about it. My oldest and youngest are very outspoken and unafraid to assert themselves. My middle daughter is very much a conflict avoider.

Stella, this reminded me of my friend whose parents fought, but always behind closed doors, so she and her 9 siblings never witnessed conflict resolution in action. I'm not so sure that's a good thing either. We need good models.

dollydo

50 years ago, the little woman did not have a voice, she was not to raise her voice,or get angery, she just walked behind her man and kept her mouth shut.

That was then, and yet, in some families, that still is the case. We are a product of our enviorment, we tend to follow the path we have walked. In my family the woman ruled, she managed the money, she had a voice, she had could walk and talk without a man. In other familes, it was old tradition that ruled.

I make no judgement of either way, it really is about what works for the individual, the final solution is: If you are not happy, do something about it, if the relationship suits your needs, then keep smiling and go about your business.