How do you know what to ask for?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
How do you know what to ask for?
As I have posted about before, I moved out from AH just over a week ago. At first, I was much sadder than I expected to be with lots of crying and wondering if I had made a mistake. I'm still emotional, but I'm starting to feel human again.
I have talked to AH on the phone twice since I left. Each time, he told me that he's been going to AA and wants to know when I'm coming home. I didn't answer his question, but I did tell him that I would need to know more about HIS plans. He now says that he realizes that he was abusing alcohol and that he needs to stop drinking. He did not go into much detail. He sounds very sad and hurting, and I think he's having a rough time. I feel bad for him.
I agreed to come over to the house on Sunday to talk in more detail, but now I'm wondering if that is a mistake. Before I left, AH had never acknowledged that alcohol was a problem. Instead, it was a quackfest of him telling me that I'm the problem, I'm unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, and flat out telling me that he's not going to quit drinking and that he's going to do what he's going to do. I have now succeeded in getting his attention, but the reason I left wasn't as a threat, an ultimatum, or a punishment. I left because I could not live with the constant stress and tension of his drinking and his hiding his drinking. About a week before I left, I found a box of wine stashed in the basement, which confirmed that the problem really was as bad as I thought, sneakiness and all.
Frankly, AH acknowledging the problem and going to AA is a total surprise to me, as I don't think he ever would have done that if I had not left. While I am glad to see him going, and I do want him to recover, I know alcoholism didn't start over night and it's not going to be cured over night either. I always thought that if I left, the most important thing to AH would looking bad to his family and friends. I know that he has not told anyone, and I get the feeling that he wants me to come home partially so that he doesn't have to tell anyone. Now, I don't blame him for not wanting to run out and tell everyone right away. I haven't being feeling all that chatty about it myself. However, whether or not I look good to others is beyond irrelevant to me at this point. My mom thinks that AH is just doing the bare minimum that he has to do to get me to come home so that he can avoid looking bad. While I think that is pretty cynical, my gut tells me that's probably at least partially true.
I don't want to reconcile just to save face. In fact, one big problem in the marriage is that AH is all about keeping up appearances and pretending that we don't have any problems. Hence his denial of any problem with alcohol.
However, I am not ready to rule out reconciliation, but I need to develop some boundaries and some requirements. How do I know what I need to happen in order to reconcile? Obviously, I want him to be sober. And not just sober but actively in recovery. But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol, which was the deal breaker problem.
What do I say to AH on Sunday? Is it too soon for a face to face? If not now, I still do, at some point, need to develop a plan. I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months), I feel like he will just tick things off a list like they are taken care of never to be discussing again. Even if AH is serious about getting into recovery, how do I know if I want to go back?
I'm sorry this post is kind of long and rambling, but my plan of action didn't include what to do AFTER I left.
I have talked to AH on the phone twice since I left. Each time, he told me that he's been going to AA and wants to know when I'm coming home. I didn't answer his question, but I did tell him that I would need to know more about HIS plans. He now says that he realizes that he was abusing alcohol and that he needs to stop drinking. He did not go into much detail. He sounds very sad and hurting, and I think he's having a rough time. I feel bad for him.
I agreed to come over to the house on Sunday to talk in more detail, but now I'm wondering if that is a mistake. Before I left, AH had never acknowledged that alcohol was a problem. Instead, it was a quackfest of him telling me that I'm the problem, I'm unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, and flat out telling me that he's not going to quit drinking and that he's going to do what he's going to do. I have now succeeded in getting his attention, but the reason I left wasn't as a threat, an ultimatum, or a punishment. I left because I could not live with the constant stress and tension of his drinking and his hiding his drinking. About a week before I left, I found a box of wine stashed in the basement, which confirmed that the problem really was as bad as I thought, sneakiness and all.
Frankly, AH acknowledging the problem and going to AA is a total surprise to me, as I don't think he ever would have done that if I had not left. While I am glad to see him going, and I do want him to recover, I know alcoholism didn't start over night and it's not going to be cured over night either. I always thought that if I left, the most important thing to AH would looking bad to his family and friends. I know that he has not told anyone, and I get the feeling that he wants me to come home partially so that he doesn't have to tell anyone. Now, I don't blame him for not wanting to run out and tell everyone right away. I haven't being feeling all that chatty about it myself. However, whether or not I look good to others is beyond irrelevant to me at this point. My mom thinks that AH is just doing the bare minimum that he has to do to get me to come home so that he can avoid looking bad. While I think that is pretty cynical, my gut tells me that's probably at least partially true.
I don't want to reconcile just to save face. In fact, one big problem in the marriage is that AH is all about keeping up appearances and pretending that we don't have any problems. Hence his denial of any problem with alcohol.
However, I am not ready to rule out reconciliation, but I need to develop some boundaries and some requirements. How do I know what I need to happen in order to reconcile? Obviously, I want him to be sober. And not just sober but actively in recovery. But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol, which was the deal breaker problem.
What do I say to AH on Sunday? Is it too soon for a face to face? If not now, I still do, at some point, need to develop a plan. I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months), I feel like he will just tick things off a list like they are taken care of never to be discussing again. Even if AH is serious about getting into recovery, how do I know if I want to go back?
I'm sorry this post is kind of long and rambling, but my plan of action didn't include what to do AFTER I left.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My own addict daughter can't even step into my house without a minimum of 2 years continuous recovery. I'm a hard-headed battle ax in that area.
Although I think all of your questions are valid ones, I also think many of them don't need to be answered now, you know?
You're overwhelming yourself.
I like the saying, "More will be revealed."
If you continue to work your own program of recovery, the answers will come, in time.
If you're not ready for a face-to-face yet, there is no shame in that.
My suggestion if you do talk to him is simply to say "We'll revisit things after you have X amount of sobriety." You don't have to promise reconciliation or anything else.
:ghug3
Although I think all of your questions are valid ones, I also think many of them don't need to be answered now, you know?
You're overwhelming yourself.
I like the saying, "More will be revealed."
If you continue to work your own program of recovery, the answers will come, in time.
If you're not ready for a face-to-face yet, there is no shame in that.
My suggestion if you do talk to him is simply to say "We'll revisit things after you have X amount of sobriety." You don't have to promise reconciliation or anything else.
:ghug3
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
There was a week where I was obsessing on wether or not he was really working on recovery , or if it was him making an excuse to be selfish. I wanted to define the furute and come up with evidence that would show me he was seriously changing. I wanted to make plans on my future and everything seemed so uncertain and scary.
I found this horoscope that week and had to say to myself," is it a dragonfly or a maple leaf?" and the answer was I don't know and I need to stop worrying about it. It is what it is, and being anxious or trying to figure it out is not going to help me.
I know there are people that have more experience and will have more practical advice, than a horoscope but I wanted to share it, because it helped me and gave me something to think about other than worry. Sometimes we cannot define or figure out something. We must just enjoy the present. For me that was no longer having to face all of the craziness that the addict brought into my life. It was time to enjoy my time alone without it, instead of trying to make it better.
"Is it a dragonfly or a maple leaf / That settles softly down upon the water?" asks Amy Lowell in "Autumn Haze," a poem from her book Pictures of the Floating World. She doesn't need to know the answer to her question; either would be fine. In fact, the luxuriance of the moment lies in its ambiguity. The lolling sweetness thrives because of her freedom from having to define its origins. She is simultaneously alert and relaxed; attentive to the scene in front of her but content to let it be whatever it is. I highly recommend that you enjoy extended excursions into this state of being several times in the coming week.
I am facing the same situation with a face to face and got really good advice in my thread.
I found this horoscope that week and had to say to myself," is it a dragonfly or a maple leaf?" and the answer was I don't know and I need to stop worrying about it. It is what it is, and being anxious or trying to figure it out is not going to help me.
I know there are people that have more experience and will have more practical advice, than a horoscope but I wanted to share it, because it helped me and gave me something to think about other than worry. Sometimes we cannot define or figure out something. We must just enjoy the present. For me that was no longer having to face all of the craziness that the addict brought into my life. It was time to enjoy my time alone without it, instead of trying to make it better.
"Is it a dragonfly or a maple leaf / That settles softly down upon the water?" asks Amy Lowell in "Autumn Haze," a poem from her book Pictures of the Floating World. She doesn't need to know the answer to her question; either would be fine. In fact, the luxuriance of the moment lies in its ambiguity. The lolling sweetness thrives because of her freedom from having to define its origins. She is simultaneously alert and relaxed; attentive to the scene in front of her but content to let it be whatever it is. I highly recommend that you enjoy extended excursions into this state of being several times in the coming week.
I am facing the same situation with a face to face and got really good advice in my thread.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 23
...but I did tell him that I would need to know more about HIS plans.
yes they never seem to have a plan do they ;-) i remember asking my AB countless times (at those times when he did acknowledge he has a problem) what his PLAN was and all i got was 'well i'll just try to be better' or 'well i just won't drink any more'. great plans they were, and they worked so well...NOT.
I know that he has not told anyone, and I get the feeling that he wants me to come home partially so that he doesn't have to tell anyone.
same here. my AB is also so proud he has not told a single soul about our problems regarding his alcohol consumption. not anyone from his family or even his best friend. he is totally denying the fact to the outside world.
he wants to look like a strong person but forgets that when he is drunk he just looks like some sorry senile mess that a word has yet to be invented to describe him.
i have kept it to myself for years too as i don't have friends close enough to tell this sort of thing to and also not to my family as i did not want them to worry. only now that my decision is final that i will not stay with him have i told my mum.
so yes it is a big possibility that he partly wants to be back with you in order to avoid loosing face.
However, I am not ready to rule out reconciliation, but I need to develop some boundaries and some requirements.
that will be quite tricky, since i suspect whatever you say and demand he will say yes to everything at the moment just to get you back. however, words and actions are 2 different things, so don't be surprised if his promises turn out to be empty.
But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol..
it is always difficult to judge whether you would still want to be with him even if the alcohol problem was not there, since maybe he has never been off the drink for long enough for you to see his 'real self'.
I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months)...
then again how could you check? how would you know? with my AB i always felt that he was not really trying to 'get better', drink less etc. but merely developing more cunning ways to conceal his drinking..
i wish you good luck and listen to your intuition as i'm sure it will guide you to what's best for YOU not him or other people.
yes they never seem to have a plan do they ;-) i remember asking my AB countless times (at those times when he did acknowledge he has a problem) what his PLAN was and all i got was 'well i'll just try to be better' or 'well i just won't drink any more'. great plans they were, and they worked so well...NOT.
I know that he has not told anyone, and I get the feeling that he wants me to come home partially so that he doesn't have to tell anyone.
same here. my AB is also so proud he has not told a single soul about our problems regarding his alcohol consumption. not anyone from his family or even his best friend. he is totally denying the fact to the outside world.
he wants to look like a strong person but forgets that when he is drunk he just looks like some sorry senile mess that a word has yet to be invented to describe him.
i have kept it to myself for years too as i don't have friends close enough to tell this sort of thing to and also not to my family as i did not want them to worry. only now that my decision is final that i will not stay with him have i told my mum.
so yes it is a big possibility that he partly wants to be back with you in order to avoid loosing face.
However, I am not ready to rule out reconciliation, but I need to develop some boundaries and some requirements.
that will be quite tricky, since i suspect whatever you say and demand he will say yes to everything at the moment just to get you back. however, words and actions are 2 different things, so don't be surprised if his promises turn out to be empty.
But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol..
it is always difficult to judge whether you would still want to be with him even if the alcohol problem was not there, since maybe he has never been off the drink for long enough for you to see his 'real self'.
I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months)...
then again how could you check? how would you know? with my AB i always felt that he was not really trying to 'get better', drink less etc. but merely developing more cunning ways to conceal his drinking..
i wish you good luck and listen to your intuition as i'm sure it will guide you to what's best for YOU not him or other people.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi sasha-
i would say pay attention to what your gut is telling you. pay attenation to your intuition.
i would render a guess that he's still drinking in your absence. perhaps he is attending AA but that doesn't mean he's not drinking.
i would also think hard about meeting him or just forget about it altogether and go do something fun instead. take care of yourself in this situation.
if you need more time to process your feelings, why not do that? you probably are right on about his motivation in going to AA...just do the minimum to get you back before anyone finds out.
if it was me, i would certainly not go back to our home to speak to him because that would bring up all sorts of longings in me...for my home, my own bed, for my husband, etc.
if you do choose to meet him (and i would advise against it as you are so new in your own recovery) then why not meet him in a restaurant THAT HE HAS TO DRIVE TO. that way, it's neutral territory, you can walk out anytime you feel like it and there will be other people around so he can't get out of order. plus, it means (hopefully) that he has to be sober (unless he drinks and drives...does he?)
if he is anything like mine, he will be hungover from saturday night, need a few in the morning to take the edge off. then he would nap, shower, shave, eat some garlic to throw the scent off and come to meet me and lie about the fact that he'd been drinking.
naive
i would say pay attention to what your gut is telling you. pay attenation to your intuition.
i would render a guess that he's still drinking in your absence. perhaps he is attending AA but that doesn't mean he's not drinking.
i would also think hard about meeting him or just forget about it altogether and go do something fun instead. take care of yourself in this situation.
if you need more time to process your feelings, why not do that? you probably are right on about his motivation in going to AA...just do the minimum to get you back before anyone finds out.
if it was me, i would certainly not go back to our home to speak to him because that would bring up all sorts of longings in me...for my home, my own bed, for my husband, etc.
if you do choose to meet him (and i would advise against it as you are so new in your own recovery) then why not meet him in a restaurant THAT HE HAS TO DRIVE TO. that way, it's neutral territory, you can walk out anytime you feel like it and there will be other people around so he can't get out of order. plus, it means (hopefully) that he has to be sober (unless he drinks and drives...does he?)
if he is anything like mine, he will be hungover from saturday night, need a few in the morning to take the edge off. then he would nap, shower, shave, eat some garlic to throw the scent off and come to meet me and lie about the fact that he'd been drinking.
naive
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
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Originally Posted by SashaMB 
I have talked to AH on the phone twice since I left. Each time, he told me that he's been going to AA and wants to know when I'm coming home. I didn't answer his question, but I did tell him that I would need to know more about HIS plans. He now says that he realizes that he was abusing alcohol and that he needs to stop drinking. He did not go into much detail. He sounds very sad and hurting, and I think he's having a rough time. I feel bad for him.
The reason a lot of us like "no contact" is because it keeps us from feeling bad for them.
My axw went to AA meetings faithfully M-F at noon for an entire year. I know because I found her records, complete with signatures, when I was cleaning out a file cabinet after she moved.
Several members of AA , after she left town, felt I needed to know she was drunk at most of those noon meetings that year. I'm grateful for that information. I guess she thought a room full of drunks wouldn't notice, not.
About a week before I left, I found a box of wine stashed in the basement, which confirmed that the problem really was as bad as I thought, sneakiness and all.
Alcoholics have a tendency to get more creative in their sneakiness after they are caught.
My mom thinks that AH is just doing the bare minimum that he has to do to get me to come home so that he can avoid looking bad. While I think that is pretty cynical, my gut tells me that's probably at least partially true.
I would listen to my Mom AND my gut.
But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol, which was the deal breaker problem.
Although I have no personal experience on this, many on here have shared that EVEN though their a's got sober, it wasn't enough, cause all that OTHER stuff was still there.
What do I say to AH on Sunday? Is it too soon for a face to face? If not now, I still do, at some point, need to develop a plan. I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months), I feel like he will just tick things off a list like they are taken care of never to be discussing again. Even if AH is serious about getting into recovery, how do I know if I want to go back?
Yes, and you will know for sure, one way or the other, when the time is right.
I've learned slowly and painfully, that if I don't know for sure, it's best to WAIT and do nothing. More is ALWAYS revealed.
I'm sorry this post is kind of long and rambling, but my plan of action didn't include what to do AFTER I left.
The reason a lot of us like "no contact" is because it keeps us from feeling bad for them.
My axw went to AA meetings faithfully M-F at noon for an entire year. I know because I found her records, complete with signatures, when I was cleaning out a file cabinet after she moved.
Several members of AA , after she left town, felt I needed to know she was drunk at most of those noon meetings that year. I'm grateful for that information. I guess she thought a room full of drunks wouldn't notice, not.
About a week before I left, I found a box of wine stashed in the basement, which confirmed that the problem really was as bad as I thought, sneakiness and all.
Alcoholics have a tendency to get more creative in their sneakiness after they are caught.
My mom thinks that AH is just doing the bare minimum that he has to do to get me to come home so that he can avoid looking bad. While I think that is pretty cynical, my gut tells me that's probably at least partially true.
I would listen to my Mom AND my gut.
But we have other problems too, and I can't even say how much our other issues are impacted (or not) by the alcohol, which was the deal breaker problem.
Although I have no personal experience on this, many on here have shared that EVEN though their a's got sober, it wasn't enough, cause all that OTHER stuff was still there.
What do I say to AH on Sunday? Is it too soon for a face to face? If not now, I still do, at some point, need to develop a plan. I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months), I feel like he will just tick things off a list like they are taken care of never to be discussing again. Even if AH is serious about getting into recovery, how do I know if I want to go back?
Yes, and you will know for sure, one way or the other, when the time is right.
I've learned slowly and painfully, that if I don't know for sure, it's best to WAIT and do nothing. More is ALWAYS revealed.
I'm sorry this post is kind of long and rambling, but my plan of action didn't include what to do AFTER I left.
I offered her this deal: to stay married, and for her to move down to her moms, get a job, and maintain sobriety for 1 year, at which time we could reunite as a family.
Given the stakes, I thought that was pretty reasonable. Let's just say if I'd taken her suggestion of what I could do with my offer, I'd STILL be walking funny.
I think a year of sobriety is reasonable, and his response should be quite telling. IMO most a's prefer a slightly quicker fix than that.
Good luck with what ever you decide.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 23
I totally agree with following your gut. Your entire post could have been written by me word for word. up until the day i moved out, he said he would not stop drinking. we own a bar and he had to. now i've learned the term for that. quack quack. so i moved out, and he came back from his fishing trip, and waalaaa! he was going to be sober. he did stay sober, and about 3 weeks into it i decided to go on a date with him. i was also worried he just wanted to save face. he is a minor celebrity in our small town and boy was this a small town scandal! anyway, after a few dates, we got into a fight, and i realized he is the same person he was, only without the alcohol. he went to treatment, for only 4 days, and attended to AA meetings, which i believe he is no longer doing. anyway, i realized my gut was saying it wasn't right, and if i went back, it would all end up the same. so i told him we were done. That night he got completely wasted and called me. two days later we were at the lawyers office. i have yet to sign that papers, but he has.
so my advice would be to hold strong, after a little time you will realize how nice it is to be away from the drama, the worrying, the fighting, and really enjoy the peace. i'm still crazy with my head spinning everyday, but the thought of going back home made me sick. for the two weeks we were "back togetheR" i couldn't fall asleep before 2am and i couldn't figure out why. once i did what i know i needed to do and ended it, i've been sleeping like a baby. i decided it would take at least a year of being sober before i would even consider it, but the fact is, my feelings for him are gone. it's been too long of a bad road for me to go back.
i wish you the best!
so my advice would be to hold strong, after a little time you will realize how nice it is to be away from the drama, the worrying, the fighting, and really enjoy the peace. i'm still crazy with my head spinning everyday, but the thought of going back home made me sick. for the two weeks we were "back togetheR" i couldn't fall asleep before 2am and i couldn't figure out why. once i did what i know i needed to do and ended it, i've been sleeping like a baby. i decided it would take at least a year of being sober before i would even consider it, but the fact is, my feelings for him are gone. it's been too long of a bad road for me to go back.
i wish you the best!
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Posts: 12,431
I just ran across this again....and my response is to the title only...seems I was over-complicating it...
as it just popped into my head...time and space seems to be what you need...and time to work it all out in your head.
as it just popped into my head...time and space seems to be what you need...and time to work it all out in your head.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I repeated "I need time," "I need space" so many times that I started to believe it.
Develop a "party line" as it were, and just hammer it over and over. That's how I managed to get and stay NC. It took a LOT of repeating, as he didn't hear it. Didn't get it. Or perhaps, just didn't want to hear it.
I filed for divorce and he contested saying that No, the marriage wasn't irreconcilably broken. It took him 8 or so months to "get it." Time, space. Time and space. Time and space for me to heal, figure out what the hell I wanted, and to realize it didn't involve him.
Just a thought. Hang in there, be non-committal, and I wouldn't go back. Of course, that's me, but do trust your gut.
Develop a "party line" as it were, and just hammer it over and over. That's how I managed to get and stay NC. It took a LOT of repeating, as he didn't hear it. Didn't get it. Or perhaps, just didn't want to hear it.
I filed for divorce and he contested saying that No, the marriage wasn't irreconcilably broken. It took him 8 or so months to "get it." Time, space. Time and space. Time and space for me to heal, figure out what the hell I wanted, and to realize it didn't involve him.
Just a thought. Hang in there, be non-committal, and I wouldn't go back. Of course, that's me, but do trust your gut.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
If I were feeling like it was too soon to talk with him, I’d not go. Of course, I’m saying that from this side of If-I-Never-See-STBXAH-Again-It-Will-Be-Too-Soon. Much earlier this year I think I would have gone. Then again, maybe not… Several times after I left him and was picking up DS from a visit with him, STBXAH asked me if we could start “dating” again and my answer was “Umm, no; I’m not ready.” Of course, he was usually drunk at the time he asked, so it was easier for me to be mad at him because he was drinking while he supposed to be watching/playing with DS and therefore to say no. Trust your gut. If it feels too soon, you have every right to say “I need more time.”
I like Freedom’s suggestion to tell him that you’ll revisit things after he’s had X amount of sobriety. You get to determine how long that time is. I’d also suggest that this would a time when I would promise myself to not even think about reconciliation or permanent separation for the duration of that period. Just being, healing, adjusting to living without the drama of active alcoholism; just focusing on my own recovery.
I don’t know it from dealing with STBXAH (he’s definitely not working a recovery program), but I’m pretty sure once you’ve had a bit of distance, you’ll be able to tell if AH is working a program and is serious about his recovery. I have a friend who is a RA, and while he doesn’t broadcast that he’s a RA, he is not embarrassed about talking with me about his alcoholism and his recovery when I need support or in asking for help when he needs it. I think honesty is a key; IMO that would not be “keeping up appearances.”
Best wishes.
Originally Posted by SashaMB
If not now, I still do, at some point, need to develop a plan. I just don't know what to say to him. If it's just a matter of a number (e.g. you have to be clean for 6 months), I feel like he will just tick things off a list like they are taken care of never to be discussing again. Even if AH is serious about getting into recovery, how do I know if I want to go back?
I don’t know it from dealing with STBXAH (he’s definitely not working a recovery program), but I’m pretty sure once you’ve had a bit of distance, you’ll be able to tell if AH is working a program and is serious about his recovery. I have a friend who is a RA, and while he doesn’t broadcast that he’s a RA, he is not embarrassed about talking with me about his alcoholism and his recovery when I need support or in asking for help when he needs it. I think honesty is a key; IMO that would not be “keeping up appearances.”
Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it. AH just called because my sister in law (his brother's wife) is in labor. AH's parents are coming over to the house to wait for the call to come to the hospital because our house is much closer to the hospital than the in laws' house. On the one hand, it seems weird that I'm not there. But on the other hand, I am so glad that I don't have to be home smiling pretty and pretending everything is fine. AH is big on putting on a perfect family show for his parents, so I'm relieved to not be there right now.
Time and space sounds like a good mantra. I hate not having all the answers right now! But maybe it's okay not to have all the answers. I left because I didn't want to be around the drinking and the drama. Well, I'm not around drinking and drama. I think that might be enough for now.
And for the record, I didn't even cry while I wrote this post.
Time and space sounds like a good mantra. I hate not having all the answers right now! But maybe it's okay not to have all the answers. I left because I didn't want to be around the drinking and the drama. Well, I'm not around drinking and drama. I think that might be enough for now.
And for the record, I didn't even cry while I wrote this post.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Your quote: (( he told me that he's been going to AA and wants to know when I'm coming home. ))
This from your man who, until you walked out and up to 2 weeks ago, was adamant, and I quote you again, ((I'm the problem, I'm unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, and flat out telling me that he's not going to quit drinking and that he's going to do what he's going to do. ))
I guess he wants to say to your face, what he asked over the phone, mainly because figures he can convince you he is changing and needs you with him.
I may be very wrong, but I feel it it is because he doesn't really believe he had a drink problem, or want to keep going to AA and wants you back before it gets out to family etc, that you left him.
In a recovery program stage, he hasn't even got to "rolling over" yet, in baby terms....
so I would be very wary of "promises" made to me so soon.
What a good idea to meet in a neutral place, instead of your home.....suggest this to him, and you may find him a bit anti......especially if he is counting on "your home" emotions to help him get you back.
I didn't have a clue what the word "devious" really met, til I was involved with A's, and oh heck was that ever a learning curve.
This from your man who, until you walked out and up to 2 weeks ago, was adamant, and I quote you again, ((I'm the problem, I'm unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, and flat out telling me that he's not going to quit drinking and that he's going to do what he's going to do. ))
I guess he wants to say to your face, what he asked over the phone, mainly because figures he can convince you he is changing and needs you with him.
I may be very wrong, but I feel it it is because he doesn't really believe he had a drink problem, or want to keep going to AA and wants you back before it gets out to family etc, that you left him.
In a recovery program stage, he hasn't even got to "rolling over" yet, in baby terms....
so I would be very wary of "promises" made to me so soon.
What a good idea to meet in a neutral place, instead of your home.....suggest this to him, and you may find him a bit anti......especially if he is counting on "your home" emotions to help him get you back.
I didn't have a clue what the word "devious" really met, til I was involved with A's, and oh heck was that ever a learning curve.
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