What IS it with A's and their stupid resentments?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Maybe for them, wallowing in resentments allows them to focus anywhere but on themselves. It's all part of their death grip on denial and utter refusal to take any responsibility for their own lives?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
XAH did this. It fuelled his passive aggressiveness too - maybe they're linked? Don't know if he still does it since I'm NC but it was totally ridiculous!
My exah did this too, and still does, even though it's OVER! I feel sorry for him in a way, because he will never be happy at the rate he is going.
He would make up stupid things to hate me over, and just sit and fume. I never would know if he was ok, or piping mad, until he got drunk and then I would hear about stuff that either didn't happen, or he blew way out of proportion.
I'ts insane, really, the way they think. I don't even try to understand his thought process, because it 's not normal. H
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Still Waters
Maybe for them, wallowing in resentments allows them to focus anywhere but on themselves. It's all part of their death grip on denial and utter refusal to take any responsibility for their own lives?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yeah, I think that's a lot of it. It's almost a chicken-and-egg question--drinking over the resentments, and having resentments because the thinking is screwed up by drinking. It all feeds into the vicious cycle that is addiction.
Cat is sick. Mom is ill. The planet is sad....
Etc.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hmm i dont think the drinking has much to do with it apart from the obvious it is a depressant for the pity poor me thing...not being right inside, head and spirit has a great deal to do with resentments and that does not change at all without drink unless a substantial shift occurs inside...
My best one was against the bar owner...myself and ex would go round for dinner with him and his wife and have what would appear to be a lovely evening then on the way home i would be quacking on about how really i should kill him because he has ruined my life...hmmm...something not right there maybe?
My best one was against the bar owner...myself and ex would go round for dinner with him and his wife and have what would appear to be a lovely evening then on the way home i would be quacking on about how really i should kill him because he has ruined my life...hmmm...something not right there maybe?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
Insightful points, Bolina. Yet, I have sensed that my own AH does consciously manufacture resentments to throw me off balance and invalidate my reality (sometimes not all the time).
This thread got me to thinking about how we much we demonize alcoholics in this forum (which I, personally, love about this forum). Because our stories are so similar, we lose sight of what different people each of our As are. We stop seeing them as unique human beings, capable of and desiring real recovery, sincerely struggling with affliction, capable of loving. I do that anyway -- forget that not all alcoholics are quasi-sociopaths like my own AH. I hope nobody's going to ask me to define quasi-sociopath.
This thread got me to thinking about how we much we demonize alcoholics in this forum (which I, personally, love about this forum). Because our stories are so similar, we lose sight of what different people each of our As are. We stop seeing them as unique human beings, capable of and desiring real recovery, sincerely struggling with affliction, capable of loving. I do that anyway -- forget that not all alcoholics are quasi-sociopaths like my own AH. I hope nobody's going to ask me to define quasi-sociopath.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Resentment is a loaded topic, but from what I understand about my own dealings with it, I have a history of containing the things that bother me. Picture it like trying to get used to disposing of waste efficiently. There was a time when I could manage to get rid of "garbage" but didn't have the organizational skill to get the recyclable stuff out of sight too. So it accumulated. The person who knows how to process emotions efficiently - and can move on - will not be burdened by resentment too much. The one who doesn't know how will have what amounts to a lot of recyclable mess piling up in the brain, until it's ALL garbage and an awful sight. Then the drama takes over. All because the person doesn't know how to process emotions and live with less than the best. That kind of thinking supported drinking addiction, and drinking made it seem so much simpler. It's not that an addictive person is necessarily being awful, although that's always possible, but the thinking problem makes it difficult for them to keep going and experience the next best emotion, and so on and so on. I don't know the answers, but I think there is something about being able to deal with the next best good feeling that enables an alcoholic to get through the day and take ownership of it and manage to deal with other people better in the process.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Courage To Change pg. 153 Expectations are just premeditated resentments.
I think for me my husband still has expectations for how I will respond or react to things.
Since we have been together for so long my responses have evolved over time. I have learned lessons through working a program. My husband (I think) expects the old me responses. His manipulations used to work better, but I've grown and see through them better now than I did before. I see many more choices in how I respond. They are stuck in the pattern.
I think that my expectation that he'll learn from his mistakes is sadly not likely. I do learn and grow. They are stuck in the stinking thinking: Action------>Reaction
We change the whole game when we no longer react as expected.
My FOO held (holds) grudges for years. I have learned to use my Al-Anon tools to try to overcome them. My favorite is the slogan: How important is it? I guess I'm at a mature age where I accept that I can only change me and keep my side of the street clean.
I sure hope that you're feeling better today, Transform.
Thank you for your questions. Its wonderful to see your process.
Thank you for letting me share.
I think for me my husband still has expectations for how I will respond or react to things.
Since we have been together for so long my responses have evolved over time. I have learned lessons through working a program. My husband (I think) expects the old me responses. His manipulations used to work better, but I've grown and see through them better now than I did before. I see many more choices in how I respond. They are stuck in the pattern.
I think that my expectation that he'll learn from his mistakes is sadly not likely. I do learn and grow. They are stuck in the stinking thinking: Action------>Reaction
We change the whole game when we no longer react as expected.
My FOO held (holds) grudges for years. I have learned to use my Al-Anon tools to try to overcome them. My favorite is the slogan: How important is it? I guess I'm at a mature age where I accept that I can only change me and keep my side of the street clean.
I sure hope that you're feeling better today, Transform.
Thank you for your questions. Its wonderful to see your process.
Thank you for letting me share.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am feeling much better. It's so funny how asking a question here evolves into this microscopic analysis of the situation. I think I was mainly complaining and amazed and freaking annoyed but have let it go, pretty much right after it happened. In fact, I forgot about it till I came back to see what youse guys are doing here.
My AH isn't a sociopath, he's just got this love affair with this resentments, which unfortunately, he focuses on me to get his fix.
My choice. I know that. Having any contact, any relationship with him comes with the probability of bizarre behavior and unreliability..
and I don't know about any you, but I do NOT hold onto and make out with and roll in my resentments like that guy. Maybe I'm just a narcissist and expect everyone else to behave as I do.
My AH isn't a sociopath, he's just got this love affair with this resentments, which unfortunately, he focuses on me to get his fix.
My choice. I know that. Having any contact, any relationship with him comes with the probability of bizarre behavior and unreliability..
and I don't know about any you, but I do NOT hold onto and make out with and roll in my resentments like that guy. Maybe I'm just a narcissist and expect everyone else to behave as I do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
transformie-
i think it has to do with denial. if they can wallow in their resentments and victim state-of-mind then they don't have to shine the Light of Truth on themselves. and until they do so, they will never, ever heal. because only the Truth can heal. and that's why the 12 steps are steps to a spiritual awakening.
get clear of that bloke, girlfriend. he's not good enough for you. simple.
you are like a running river and he's like a big rock.
you are on the move and he's static.
he is old and you are new.
he's complainig and you are questioning the very meaining of Life.
he's drinking and you are doing birkam yoga.
he's falling down and you are getting up from your knees.
he's f**king the deli girl and you are asking your HP for guidance.
he's a drunk and you are a super star!
naive x
i think it has to do with denial. if they can wallow in their resentments and victim state-of-mind then they don't have to shine the Light of Truth on themselves. and until they do so, they will never, ever heal. because only the Truth can heal. and that's why the 12 steps are steps to a spiritual awakening.
get clear of that bloke, girlfriend. he's not good enough for you. simple.
you are like a running river and he's like a big rock.
you are on the move and he's static.
he is old and you are new.
he's complainig and you are questioning the very meaining of Life.
he's drinking and you are doing birkam yoga.
he's falling down and you are getting up from your knees.
he's f**king the deli girl and you are asking your HP for guidance.
he's a drunk and you are a super star!
naive x
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
My Ex has a lot of resentments (as do I), he does the stuff that we all do to process them: talk about them, show them to the light by running them round out loud. However, because he is drunk when he does this, they don't get processed, they don't lessen, ever.
There are resentments I have held that when I have exposed them, I can see are petty or irrational or not worth while holding on to etc, when ex airs, this insight isn't there, everything is real and amplified, he doesn't process by airing, he reinforces, cements and amplifies.
The next day he often doesn't remember at all what the content of the night before was, he just remembers that he felt awful, that his feelings were raw and painful but has no idea why. He attributes those feelings to whomever was around him during that time, me, his folks on the phone, whatever. The resentment is them bigger and more real and more painful, and now associated with me. hurrah.
Listening to the processing, the pain, the first time was a hook: ok, he has insight, he has self-knowledge he can work through this stuff. when you've heard it a thousand times you can see that it never goes anywhere, will be constantly recycled, it is real pain, but it is also brought out at moments when he needs emotional strokes and therefore also has a manipulative element. I have seen him adjust the resentment to the one that will do most collatoral damage to the hearer and therefore bring about the better (for him) response, and also completely about-face the resentment when he is first off resentful that X happened when he wanted Y to happen, and when it turns out he was wrong and in fact Y did happen, he is then resentful that X did not happen.
I'm sure none of this is behaviour isolated to alcoholics, nor present in all, just my experience with my ex. and yes life is so much better now that I have removed myself from within the vicinity of most of the fall-out from his resentments, now that I can put the phone down if he starts in on a rant, and now that I have started to examine my own resentments and behaviour. But still it helps to recognise that this is what he does (for whatever reason).
It also helps to compare notes, because the bahaviour of alcoholics (and addicts and the friends and family of alcoholics, and people with eating disorders and the chronically depressed and all manner of other situations) can be so extreme that you can begin to doubt your own perceptions, comparing notes, the relief of "I'm not getting thi sout of proportion, my gut feelings are on track, this isn't normal" was a hugely helpful stage in my healing journey.
Of course another helpful step was to turn the light to look at myself, do I hold on to unhelpful resentments? (yes) and what can I do about that? (in my case therapy, and getting out of a situation that kept heaping the reasons for those resentments on)
Thank you for the thread TF, people's random questions and thoughts often trip off a realisation about my own life and journey, not a comment on yours.
There are resentments I have held that when I have exposed them, I can see are petty or irrational or not worth while holding on to etc, when ex airs, this insight isn't there, everything is real and amplified, he doesn't process by airing, he reinforces, cements and amplifies.
The next day he often doesn't remember at all what the content of the night before was, he just remembers that he felt awful, that his feelings were raw and painful but has no idea why. He attributes those feelings to whomever was around him during that time, me, his folks on the phone, whatever. The resentment is them bigger and more real and more painful, and now associated with me. hurrah.
Listening to the processing, the pain, the first time was a hook: ok, he has insight, he has self-knowledge he can work through this stuff. when you've heard it a thousand times you can see that it never goes anywhere, will be constantly recycled, it is real pain, but it is also brought out at moments when he needs emotional strokes and therefore also has a manipulative element. I have seen him adjust the resentment to the one that will do most collatoral damage to the hearer and therefore bring about the better (for him) response, and also completely about-face the resentment when he is first off resentful that X happened when he wanted Y to happen, and when it turns out he was wrong and in fact Y did happen, he is then resentful that X did not happen.
I'm sure none of this is behaviour isolated to alcoholics, nor present in all, just my experience with my ex. and yes life is so much better now that I have removed myself from within the vicinity of most of the fall-out from his resentments, now that I can put the phone down if he starts in on a rant, and now that I have started to examine my own resentments and behaviour. But still it helps to recognise that this is what he does (for whatever reason).
It also helps to compare notes, because the bahaviour of alcoholics (and addicts and the friends and family of alcoholics, and people with eating disorders and the chronically depressed and all manner of other situations) can be so extreme that you can begin to doubt your own perceptions, comparing notes, the relief of "I'm not getting thi sout of proportion, my gut feelings are on track, this isn't normal" was a hugely helpful stage in my healing journey.
Of course another helpful step was to turn the light to look at myself, do I hold on to unhelpful resentments? (yes) and what can I do about that? (in my case therapy, and getting out of a situation that kept heaping the reasons for those resentments on)
Thank you for the thread TF, people's random questions and thoughts often trip off a realisation about my own life and journey, not a comment on yours.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Naive! Thank you. What a beautiful poem! Thank you for your kind words.
AH is trying in his own way. But he's so limited. He keeps drinking. It's only going to get worse. I distance myself when I need to. I just need a car and more money, then we'll have our own resources. Seperating emotionally is hard for me until we no longer share a car, the kids, etc. But i work on it. I'm getting better and better I say.
The best news is that I'm on a different path, a wild ride actually finding out what I can and cannot do.
Thanks to Toronto for this
This makes a lot of sense to me without demonizing anyone. How we process, that's what it comes down to. And Naive is right, practicing A's (at least mine) are so preoccupied with denial (read, lies) that they cannot face the truth-which is how you work through resentments. By focusing on yourself. I guess I should speak for myself, that's how I do it at least. Or by focusing on gratitude. Boy is that powerful!
AH is trying in his own way. But he's so limited. He keeps drinking. It's only going to get worse. I distance myself when I need to. I just need a car and more money, then we'll have our own resources. Seperating emotionally is hard for me until we no longer share a car, the kids, etc. But i work on it. I'm getting better and better I say.
The best news is that I'm on a different path, a wild ride actually finding out what I can and cannot do.
Thanks to Toronto for this
It's not that an addictive person is necessarily being awful, although that's always possible, but the thinking problem makes it difficult for them to keep going and experience the next best emotion, and so on and so on. I don't know the answers, but I think there is something about being able to deal with the next best good feeling that enables an alcoholic to get through the day and take ownership of it and manage to deal with other people better in the process.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by naive
i think it has to do with denial. if they can wallow in their resentments and victim state-of-mind then they don't have to shine the Light of Truth on themselves. and until they do so, they will never, ever heal. because only the Truth can heal. and that's why the 12 steps are steps to a spiritual awakening.
this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Still Waters
Maybe for them, wallowing in resentments allows them to focus anywhere but on themselves. It's all part of their death grip on denial and utter refusal to take any responsibility for their own lives?
this again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Carlos, Sonora Mexico
Posts: 7
I am an ACOA and have recently lost my father to Cirrhosis. I loved my father so much and had some sick need to be an overacheiver to try to get some of his respect, love and attention. Just 2 months before he died he started calling me names for things I did when I was 13!! I'm 38 years old. I never had a chance to figure out WHAT exactly did I do to him that was so bad? In public and to his friends I was his pride and joy, but privately he treated me like I was never good enough. I graduated HS with a 3.7 then I graduated from University with a 3.97 in Finance, then went on to have a great career as an anaylst for a big company, then quit it to move to MEXICO to be close to my dad. I have been here 4 1/2 years making very little money only to watch him literaly drink himself to death. Then for the final slap in the face 2 months before he dies he starts calling me a F*&%$#@ liar since I was 13 years old. But I honestly don't know what I lied about and what he is talking about. So my question is if you are the source of someone's resentment, how do you get past that? when do you stop believing those horrible things. Is it the same if they are alive or dead?
My dad died on the 14th of Oct so this is new, I'm having a rollercoaster of emotions, sad, angry, relief, guilt..
My dad died on the 14th of Oct so this is new, I'm having a rollercoaster of emotions, sad, angry, relief, guilt..
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Alcoholics, especially end stage alcoholics, live in a fantasy world in their own minds Tammi. It likely had nothing at all to do with anything you had done, or said, or anything. Just some sick delusion in his own head.
It wasn't and isn't about you. It's all about the selfishness and destructiveness of his alcoholism.
You didn't do anything wrong.
It wasn't and isn't about you. It's all about the selfishness and destructiveness of his alcoholism.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I have no personal experience losing someone to alcohol, yet. My axw will probably lose her battle before long.
From what I've learned, the toxins/ammonia that builds up in a persons body near the end of liver failure, affect their brains and literally make them insane.
Although I can imagine how painful it must have been for you to listen to his rantings, I would have to decide to let the rantings of a dieing, insane person go. I would chose not to take any thing he said to heart.
He had zero idea what he was saying or doing those last few months. I'm sorry you had a front row seat to his insanity.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
From what I've learned, the toxins/ammonia that builds up in a persons body near the end of liver failure, affect their brains and literally make them insane.
Although I can imagine how painful it must have been for you to listen to his rantings, I would have to decide to let the rantings of a dieing, insane person go. I would chose not to take any thing he said to heart.
He had zero idea what he was saying or doing those last few months. I'm sorry you had a front row seat to his insanity.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: CT
Posts: 42
Love the classic "it's a beautiful day, can't I just relax and enjoy a cold one?"
Um, no! You can't. Because if you could just enjoy it then we wouldn't have this stupid conversation. I don't care if it's Saturday, raining, sunny, your birthday, pigs are flying, you saw your mom.....no you can't relax and enjoy. Because you never relax and only God knows if you enjoy it.
Um, no! You can't. Because if you could just enjoy it then we wouldn't have this stupid conversation. I don't care if it's Saturday, raining, sunny, your birthday, pigs are flying, you saw your mom.....no you can't relax and enjoy. Because you never relax and only God knows if you enjoy it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
