Jenny1232

I realize I am nowhere near as far along as I thought I was. I thought I was over him...

At 8pm, we both decided to head to the same grocery store apparently. Why he didn't turn around when he saw my car blows my mind. As I turned a corner in the grocery store, there he was. I tried to avoid him and check out, and I next thing I know, he's walking past me.. and we just stare. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was as if time stood still... we both blankly maintained eye contact until he was past me.

I laughed it off. My heart didn't skip a beat; I really didn't feel anything, except shock.

Fast forward an hour and I cannot stop over analyzing. Why was he staring at me? Does that mean he misses me? Did he think I looked attractive? My mind starts going crazy with all these possible sceanarios.. Next thing I know - I'm CRYING.. I'm BALLING.. and I haven't been able to stop for an hour now. I THOUGHT I WAS OVER HIM -- AND I AM SO FAR FROM IT.



HE'S GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING A CHILD WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
WHY OH WHY DO I SEE HIM EVERY WHERE I GO?
WHY CAN'T I STOP CRYING OVER THIS SILLY FOOL?

Part of me thinks he was testing the waters.. he wanted to stare at me and see if I'd break my order of no-contact.. so he can watch me get arrested. I realize, NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS.. but to me, it does.

I just want to feel like I meant something to him. I want to think/believe that he went home tonight feeling like crap for what he put me through.. and I just want part of him to MISS HOLDING ME. I don't want to be the only one to feel this way. This is bothering me SO much... I have no one to turn to. I have no friends anymore. It's just me...

I'm stuck in magical thinking fairy land. I keep fantasizing that one day, we can be together again. Who cares what anyone thinks! When this year order is up, we can be together again. It's so stupid of me to think this way... but we were so unstoppable. It meant SO much to BOTH of us.. Thinks got so bad SO FAST.. it was all after I found this site. I pushed him away. I stopped taking his ****. I ruined us. Had I not.. I could still be miserable WITH him.. why is it any different than being miserable with out him? God, I just want him to MISS me too.

When I saw him - he looked so strange and unfamiliar. It was not the man I love.. but, as I sit here and cry I look over the happy pictures of us together.. that is not the man I saw tonight... I just don't get why he made it a point to stare at me tonight. I don't know what he wants from me. He obviously knows I still love him - but, he made it very clear he despises me.

I'M SO CONFUSED.
I'M SO UPSET.
I'M STILL A FREAKIN' MESS.

WILL I EVER GET BETTER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE?
I feel like I've gotten NO WHERE.

yes, I'm taking steps.. I just suck at life. At least I am not crying anymore. I really needed to get this out... here goes nothing I guess.

Thanks for listening/reading if you made it this far...

Jenny1232

another thing.. a lot of people here are over their addicts.. or want to be.

I don't know if I want to be. Maybe I haven't accepted it. I will feel BAD if suddenly.. I do not love him anymore. I was thinking today about how easily "loved" ones are disposed of. What constitutes real love? Why is it so easily dropped? One day you're sooooooooooooooo in love with someone, and the next they're a stranger. Friends & Family included, not just significant others.

I cannot give someone all of me, and just spring on to the next person to love. It amazes me at the capabilities of others (not you guys). I just found out my "best friend" was clowning me behind my back and telling my very personal secrets because she was jealous when guys said I was "hot". I'm cynical and jaded, and now I have NO ONE... why do I still feel bad for these rotten people? I hate how I'm always friends with the people who do not deserve me. I choose no one at this point -- not until I fix my picker, for friends included.

keepinon

ok, slooow down. Take a breath, take a bath, and breathe. You are REACTING right now.That is normal. You have tools to help you out..posting here was a good start. You HAVE made progress.Don't be so hard on yourself.Can you put away the pictures and get out Codependant No MOre, ODAT,Courage to CHange, something that can help bring stuff into perspective?Get right back on that recovery horse ASAP. You are going to be ok.

HealingWillCome

Jenny, girl. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Running into him was a nasty trigger, but please try to pull yourself out of this place where your head has gone.

Take a few minutes to go back and re-read some of your old posts about him. Remind yourself why you can't be with him. Take a step away from fantasy land. Not just a baby step, but some great big giant steps and look at your reality with him. He's the fantasy drug of choice at the moment.

His arms wrapped around you aren't going to fix whatever is really hurting on the inside. Are you still seeing your therapist? Can you make an appointment soon?

Hugs to you, girl.

Jenny1232

I had my therapy appointment today, lol. It seems I always run into Billy on Tuesdays (always my appt. day). This is the FOURTH time I have seen him in one week... That's BAD!!! I wasn't stalking him by any means either; I've seen him at the most random places. It doesn't help we literally live less than five miles away from each other.. and our town is only so big. I pass him driving all the time. ;-/

MAJOR OVER REACTION HERE.. and, I have calmed since posting now. My tears have dried. I like your support and opinions Keeponin.. but it makes me question.. Am I allowed to cry and over react? HWC states, "his arms wrapped around you aren't going to fix whatever is really hurting you on the inside". I've been SO upset all week, whether it be the betrayal of my best friend, things going sour with my "new" guy, the absence of friends, frequent binge/purge episodes OR COURT with Billy.. OR ALL OF THEM. My whole point here is.. I think I needed to cry. I tend to bottle up my emotions now, convincing myself I feel nothing. Let's lay out the facts.

I have no true friends.
I have hardly any acquaintances.
I spend my days alone at the gym.
I gave up smoking cigarettes and drinking.
I battle a food addiction EVERYDAY.

I mean, what it boils down to.. is I am lonely, and convince myself I'm okay and LOVING BEING SINGLE. I'm not so sure I am truly happy. I think seeing Billy just sent me over the deep end. Maybe it had NOTHING to do with him.. I mean.. I didn't find him very attractive.. and I had no immediate physiological reaction (which always, always happens)... so, I dunno. I'm running off on another tangent --- but, I think I NEED to cry sometimes. I didn't do anything stupid except sound like a raging lunatic, feel a little pathetic crying, embarrass myself and feel a moment of pain and despair... I'm in no way disregarding what you say - just offering my perspective.

After all this, I feel refreshed. I really, really do. Hope my scattered mind pieced this together. THank you so much for the support though.. I really do need it...

HealingWillCome

You're allowed to have whatever feelings you have.

If crying is what you need to do, then CRY for as long and hard as you need to. I have cried so hard in my worst times that I'm sure I sounded like a wild animal. I've had to go into my garage, climb into my car, and shut the door so that I can cry without upsetting my girls because I've cried so loud and hard sometimes.

I know how hard it is to run into an XABF. Mine used to live 1/2 block away. It created horrible triggers. I could go from being perfectly content to an emotional wreck in 1/2 second.

All of that is perfectly normal, Jenny. It really is. And as you work on it, it will get easier. If you can figure out ways to stay clear of his path as much as possible, it will help. I know that's hard when you live in a small town, but do it for you, for your peace of mind.

Does your therapist respond to emails? Maybe an email exchange would help since you don't have an appointment for another week?

TakingCharge999

I get it.
I work with XABF.

I used to run into him, and often into him+gf, often. Driving.. he brought her to the office...

Fast forward. After running away from all the triggers, common friends, wearing dark glasses often to avoid any unwanted eye contact, making other new friends that have nothing to do with him, etc etc I feel better.

The funny thing is that I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM SO OFTEN.... I changed parking lot.... I no longer have to share anything with that person... once I am learning my lessons HP/God is taking him away from my life.......


I still overhear him laughing with his friends as usual, but that is expected from people that do not respect others nor the work environment they are supposed to be in. So what do I do? complain with my manager. Its funny to say "there's a lot of NOISE". That's it.. noise.

This stage is too early for you but you are making great changes for yourself, its not bound to be a walk on the park......... it sucks but it will cease to suck so much, pain will start fading and you'll see the sun again !!! and it will shine for you.. and only for you.

HUGS!! its so healing to talk to others that get it....