Is leaving an alcoholic spouse the only option?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I think SoloMio's post is the same answer I would give to your question. I think it bears careful consideration if you really want to help yourself. You won't be able to change him except by getting out of his way. You have to help you---and he has to help him. That is just the way it works.
If you get started on SoloMio's list, I predict that you will start to feel less hopeless.
For myself, I have found living with an active alcoholic intolerable.
dandylion
If you get started on SoloMio's list, I predict that you will start to feel less hopeless.
For myself, I have found living with an active alcoholic intolerable.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by battlescars 
I really liked the Itsmealice comment re: always being the responsible one. For myself, I too grew tired of always playing the responsible one, of being the only one who was interested in a decently clean house, in clean laundry, in making food, taking out the trash. And then being accused of being "boring" or "too domestic" for taking care of these things. I wasn't his mother or some boring person, but when you're the only one who cares about some standard of living, it's really taxing. (I mean and these were the least of my troubles: late nights/early morning home comings so that i couldn't sleep, knocked over furniture from blackouts, lies). My friends started to tell me how tired i was, that it seemed like I was a shadow of myself. I relationship shouldn't leave you feeling depleted all the time. That's how I knew. Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dear nodaybut2day, you mentioned the "reflective" stage. This arouses my curiosity---what are the other stages?
Sorry, if this is considered crosstalking, but I think it pretains to the post.
Thanks, in advance.
dandylion
Sorry, if this is considered crosstalking, but I think it pretains to the post.
Thanks, in advance.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by SoloMio
- Work on YOURSELF
- Go to AlAnon
- Learn about alcoholism
- Create your boundaries and stick with them
- Don't accept lies and other BS
- Meditate or do some other kind of self-awareness activities to examine your own motivations
- Don't enable
- Listen to your gut
- As they say, "don't analyze--utilize!"
- Enjoy life now
- Don't delude yourself into thinking maybe NEXT year will be different. Especially don't base your actions on that hope
- AFter that, trust the still, small voice that prompts you when it IS time to say goodbye
- Don't rush it, and try not to stress about "the right time."
....These are all awesome. My great Uncle suggested Al Anon, and I go a few times weekly, it is great support. The net is an awesome resource to research alcoholism. Boundaries? I changed my phone number, and got legal advice this afternoon. Monday I will be at District Court doing some filing. Dont enable? No more, I bought her her last six pack, and let her know that "that dont fly no more" I will not buy her anything else, or give her 8 cents. I listened to my gut, it was gut wrenching, BUT it was the correct decision, as my Uncle supported it fully. I am through analyzing it, now is the time for action, and I am enjoying my life, instead of doing something stupid to end the stress and frustration, I chose to live life to the fullest, there is too much life out there. (These are all after the fact)....she is the alcoholic, not me. SHE is going to have to deal with the warrant out for her arrest, not me. SHE is the one who is going to have to deal with the cherries flashing behind her, or the knock on the door at 2am, and the judges and the "Habitual offender" charges, not me. She is going to deal with the extended probation and the time in the slammer, not me. SHE is dealing with the tremors, and the bad, bad heartburn from drinking 8-12 drinks daily, she has to deal with the extended abdomen, and the abdominal pain, and the vomiting, and the hangovers, she has to deal with the felony charges on her background, and the fact that her car is about to be repo'd NOT ME. She is the one losing her hair and breaking out in acne because of the stress. Me? I am getting on my horse, and me and Uncle are hitting the highway, prepping for Sturgis.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It depends...
...there is often a point where it's the only option other than staying and waiting for them to die, kill you, or kill somebody else (either from ignorance, accident, stress, or violence depending on the alcoholic and their enabler), but even then some people aren't able to choose it.
If I had known how many years of my life I was going to forfeit to my wife's disease I would have left in a heartbeat. But, like the boiling frog, I stayed in the pot. Unlike the boiling frog I didn't die in the pot, but I have the deep, deep scars to prove I was in it.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. My wife's sober today. She may be sober tomorrow too. Maybe...
If I had known how many years of my life I was going to forfeit to my wife's disease I would have left in a heartbeat. But, like the boiling frog, I stayed in the pot. Unlike the boiling frog I didn't die in the pot, but I have the deep, deep scars to prove I was in it.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. My wife's sober today. She may be sober tomorrow too. Maybe...
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