bookwyrm

I agree completely. You have EVERY right to feel the way you feel about your X.

Learn2Live

It sounds like you are under A LOT of stress. There is nothing wrong with you. Do you have a physician or counselor you can speak to? You might consider taking an on-line screening for depression and see what the results say. Also, do you do yoga? Doing yoga on a regular basis (weekly) helps your body and mind to automatically deal with stress. Can you go to a class?

I wish there were a way you could have no dealings with him AT ALL for a month in order to build up your strength. I know how you are feeling, believe me I have been that way many times. I think you need additional support dealing with him. (((hugs)))

theuncertainty

Thanks every one. If I could post multiple thanks to all of your posts, I would. I am scared of him; sometimes I can ignore that he exists, but sometimes it feels really overwhelming.

I have been going to talk with a therapist and recently started seeing an psychiatrist who is treating me for depression. It's going to take a while for the medication to have a leveling effect. And I'm trying to keep that in mind through all of this. I've tried a following a yoga video and a couple books from the library, but I don't think a class will be in the budget for a while.

DS was brought home early - 5:15 instead of 6; FIL called me about 4 to tell me that they're back early and would drop DS off at our home. My brother and mom met DS and STBX at the door. I just talked DS out from under the bed and he told me about his weekend and the details make me seriously doubt that STBXAH is complying with the supervised visitation requirement (it sounded like FIL was gone 'walking the dog' a lot - like maybe overnight). I don't know how to ask for more information without 'leading' and what if DS is just telling a story about wanting to have a sleepover at STBXAH's GF's house with her kids and a new stuffed animal to sleep with there or only went there for a little bit before camping in the RV? He certainly smells like a camp fire but he also talked about his clothes being washed last night or yesterday with his gum in the pocket and I have yet to see a weekend rental RV with a washer and dryer.... I absolutely hate that I'm doubting DS's story.

I will be calling my lawyer tomorrow morning to discuss the fact that STBXAH's visitation may not have actually been supervised as order by the court.

I am so tired of all of this.

theuncertainty

Thank you, Bookwyrm. It's astounding how different it sounds out loud rather than just internal. You're right: I would absolutely never say stuff that I've been telling myself to any one else. I have a list from before lunch today of 5 things (positive self-talk) that I've written down in reponse to my negative self-talk.