Narcissists and letting go of them
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Narcissists and letting go of them
So I just read that word "narcissists" in another thread. That word has been popping up all over the place in my life lately. It's kind of wild, in a good way--like the Universe is saying, "HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO Posie! Are you listening??!"
Okay, I'm listening now. I think.
What has been getting clearer is that I have been wildly attracted to narcissists, and when I trace it back it leads right back to (drum roll not necessary here): Mom. Yeah, a real shocker, I know.
All that "I'll never be enough" and "I have to prove myself" and "Look! I can be good!" ties in with that. I've read all kinds of info about alcoholic narcissism, and my most recent relationship with exA demonstrated all of that very nicely. But before her were 2 other people who were not alcoholics. But they were (are) narcissists.
Wow. I have some work to do here! My grown-up self wants to let go of these people who offer NOTHING to me, and my kiddo inside wants to hang on to them for dear life. There something here I'm hanging onto and it's friggin' painful and I want to let go, but there's also something I DON'T want to let go of. I can't help but feel it's not just "about Mom" and my connection to her, but maybe it's really that basic. Dunno.
Looking for ES&H. These pieces fit together somehow, someway...and now it's time for me to do something else so that it's not all swirling in my head. Tossing y'all the question, and now I'll try to rest my thoughts and check back in the morning.
Thanks,
posie
Okay, I'm listening now. I think.
What has been getting clearer is that I have been wildly attracted to narcissists, and when I trace it back it leads right back to (drum roll not necessary here): Mom. Yeah, a real shocker, I know.
All that "I'll never be enough" and "I have to prove myself" and "Look! I can be good!" ties in with that. I've read all kinds of info about alcoholic narcissism, and my most recent relationship with exA demonstrated all of that very nicely. But before her were 2 other people who were not alcoholics. But they were (are) narcissists.
Wow. I have some work to do here! My grown-up self wants to let go of these people who offer NOTHING to me, and my kiddo inside wants to hang on to them for dear life. There something here I'm hanging onto and it's friggin' painful and I want to let go, but there's also something I DON'T want to let go of. I can't help but feel it's not just "about Mom" and my connection to her, but maybe it's really that basic. Dunno.
Looking for ES&H. These pieces fit together somehow, someway...and now it's time for me to do something else so that it's not all swirling in my head. Tossing y'all the question, and now I'll try to rest my thoughts and check back in the morning.
Thanks,
posie
Last edited by posiesperson; 09-09-2010 at 08:24 PM. Reason: adding text
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Wow Possie....I grew up with a Narcissistic mother.....I never understood how she could be so 'charming' to people on the 'outside' and such an abusive person, violent person behind closed doors. Nothing was ever good enough. We didn't look good enough, we were told we were stupid, inept, 'just like your father', 'wish you were never born' and beaten daily. I deliberately chose men my mother couldn't stand "You should be with a lawyer, doctor"...money and title being ever important and I always chose the tradesperson....When I was growing up up, I always thought my mother had 'shark' eyes...the eyes of a sociopath/narcissist...they're cold...I identified with my alcoholic father in deperation, ie my attraction to alcoholic men...and yep, I married a narcissistic alcoholic as well and divorced him after almost dying from years of abuse.
My friend has a N husband...he is pure evil...he knows that I know what he is...They have a personality disorder and they will NEVER get better, they just become more cunning and manipulative as they hunt down their next Narcissistic supply when their current supply wakes up or has the courage to leave....
Nice to meet you Posie...all the best...
My friend has a N husband...he is pure evil...he knows that I know what he is...They have a personality disorder and they will NEVER get better, they just become more cunning and manipulative as they hunt down their next Narcissistic supply when their current supply wakes up or has the courage to leave....
Nice to meet you Posie...all the best...
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Join Date: May 2008
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I too have a narcissist for a mother, more specifically boarderline personality disordered.
There was never anything I could do that would make her pay attention to me. Nothing I ever did was good enough, I was never good enough and never would be good enough.
Therapy helped me tremendously. One day I literally woke up and said out loud, "Why would I care what my mother thinks of me"? Consider the source. She is sick and can't love herself. Her perception of life is broken, what would she possibly know about me. All sounds simple, but I was able to come to this conclusion after a couple years of therapy.
I think you are right in that your little kiddo wants to hang on. Everyone wants their mother to offer unconditional love which mothers are supposed to give. Ours aren't capable. They themselves are wounded children and wounded children are not caring loving mothers.
Learn to parent yourself Posies through therapy so that you can move forward and away from the people you are attracting. You are good enough. You just have to believe yourself. You are more credible than your mother is, don't you think...
There was never anything I could do that would make her pay attention to me. Nothing I ever did was good enough, I was never good enough and never would be good enough.
Therapy helped me tremendously. One day I literally woke up and said out loud, "Why would I care what my mother thinks of me"? Consider the source. She is sick and can't love herself. Her perception of life is broken, what would she possibly know about me. All sounds simple, but I was able to come to this conclusion after a couple years of therapy.
I think you are right in that your little kiddo wants to hang on. Everyone wants their mother to offer unconditional love which mothers are supposed to give. Ours aren't capable. They themselves are wounded children and wounded children are not caring loving mothers.
Learn to parent yourself Posies through therapy so that you can move forward and away from the people you are attracting. You are good enough. You just have to believe yourself. You are more credible than your mother is, don't you think...
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Join Date: May 2008
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Floss,
You describe my mother to a tee. I used wonder, don't people see her for who she really is? Some did. Problem is there are many people who love their ability to be charming yet outrageous. It's entertaining for them and they can walk away when they choose to. Little do those people know the wreckage they leave behind closed doors.
I'm sorry you have lived this also.
You describe my mother to a tee. I used wonder, don't people see her for who she really is? Some did. Problem is there are many people who love their ability to be charming yet outrageous. It's entertaining for them and they can walk away when they choose to. Little do those people know the wreckage they leave behind closed doors.
I'm sorry you have lived this also.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thanks, Floss and gerry.
As I think (and feel) about it this morning, I don't even want to consider that my mother is a narcissist. That feels really yucky.
It's easier to say that she's a wounded ACOA, her mother was a raging codependent before developing her own special version of alcoholism in later life. No doubt about it, my mother's needs were pretty low on the totem pole of day-to-day life.
Now I see her as very emotionally manipulative. Whatever she says at first is not the "real" response, there will always be reverberations. She gets her emotional needs met by saying one thing that is indirect so that she can then manage situations and people to ultimately get what she wants, which she says she is NOT doing, and even denies that the outcome was what SHE wanted in the first place.
Ugh. It's so sad. And I've done the same before starting my own recovery work in Alanon and in therapy--I've lived the same way in my romantic relationships. Ow, ow, ow. I still don't know how to make space for myself in the context of relationship, but I'm doing it for myself as a single person, so that's progress. I don't want to go back into the abyss.
I have no choice but to deal with my exH, the father of my children. I'm not kidding when I say that whatever the kids need I have to communicate to him from the point of view of how it benefits HIM. Fortunately he seems to want them to do well, because then he "looks good" as the friggin' father-of-the-year (even though I do almost ALL of the childcare) but that way I can point out how the kids will do well (and therefore that will reflect well on him). It's pathetic to strategize this way, but it works in terms of getting my kids what they need (ie, child support, good schooling, etc.).
I still hang on to the "optional" narcissists in my life. I can feel it. I need to REALLY let them go, stop looking for their cars in my neighborhood, stop wondering if I'll get acknowledgement on significant days for me, stop wondering (in my weaker moments) what they're doing nowadays. I need to stop trying to get something from the empty well. There's a big "acceptance" piece in there, and I feel it falling into place.
It's really hard to let go, but I finally see that I WANT to, and am trying to be peaceful with the grieving.
Thanks,
posie
As I think (and feel) about it this morning, I don't even want to consider that my mother is a narcissist. That feels really yucky.
It's easier to say that she's a wounded ACOA, her mother was a raging codependent before developing her own special version of alcoholism in later life. No doubt about it, my mother's needs were pretty low on the totem pole of day-to-day life.
Now I see her as very emotionally manipulative. Whatever she says at first is not the "real" response, there will always be reverberations. She gets her emotional needs met by saying one thing that is indirect so that she can then manage situations and people to ultimately get what she wants, which she says she is NOT doing, and even denies that the outcome was what SHE wanted in the first place.
Ugh. It's so sad. And I've done the same before starting my own recovery work in Alanon and in therapy--I've lived the same way in my romantic relationships. Ow, ow, ow. I still don't know how to make space for myself in the context of relationship, but I'm doing it for myself as a single person, so that's progress. I don't want to go back into the abyss.
I have no choice but to deal with my exH, the father of my children. I'm not kidding when I say that whatever the kids need I have to communicate to him from the point of view of how it benefits HIM. Fortunately he seems to want them to do well, because then he "looks good" as the friggin' father-of-the-year (even though I do almost ALL of the childcare) but that way I can point out how the kids will do well (and therefore that will reflect well on him). It's pathetic to strategize this way, but it works in terms of getting my kids what they need (ie, child support, good schooling, etc.).
I still hang on to the "optional" narcissists in my life. I can feel it. I need to REALLY let them go, stop looking for their cars in my neighborhood, stop wondering if I'll get acknowledgement on significant days for me, stop wondering (in my weaker moments) what they're doing nowadays. I need to stop trying to get something from the empty well. There's a big "acceptance" piece in there, and I feel it falling into place.
It's really hard to let go, but I finally see that I WANT to, and am trying to be peaceful with the grieving.
Thanks,
posie
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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After a couple of years spent researching Narcissism to the point of obsession 
, I came to the conclusion that the term is being applied rather wildly to all kinds of selfish behavior. Then I spent a couple of years trying to determine whether Mommy Monster was plain incredibly self-centered or . . .truly malignant. My criteria for distinguishing the difference is whether the person deliberately causes harm to someone to whom they should be doing good. Surprisingly hard to detect in a narcissist/victim relationship. M. Scott Peck (I don't embrace him otherwise) wrote a book titled People of the Lie, which describes what I'm talking about.
MM is not a flaming narcissist like some here have described, but I eventually decided she is MILDLY malignant in a pathological way. GerryP's use of the word "outrageous" reminded me how she, not having the gumption to do it herself, would egg us kids into non-conformist behavior, then heap guilt on our heads for shaming her and ourselves. Anyway, I'm no contact, except for rare e-mails, and it helps my equilibrium so much.
, I came to the conclusion that the term is being applied rather wildly to all kinds of selfish behavior. Then I spent a couple of years trying to determine whether Mommy Monster was plain incredibly self-centered or . . .truly malignant. My criteria for distinguishing the difference is whether the person deliberately causes harm to someone to whom they should be doing good. Surprisingly hard to detect in a narcissist/victim relationship. M. Scott Peck (I don't embrace him otherwise) wrote a book titled People of the Lie, which describes what I'm talking about. MM is not a flaming narcissist like some here have described, but I eventually decided she is MILDLY malignant in a pathological way. GerryP's use of the word "outrageous" reminded me how she, not having the gumption to do it herself, would egg us kids into non-conformist behavior, then heap guilt on our heads for shaming her and ourselves. Anyway, I'm no contact, except for rare e-mails, and it helps my equilibrium so much.
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As I think (and feel) about it this morning, I don't even want to consider that my mother is a narcissist. That feels really yucky.
It's easier to say that she's a wounded ACOA, her mother was a raging codependent before developing her own special version of alcoholism in later life. No doubt about it, my mother's needs were pretty low on the totem pole of day-to-day life.
It's easier to say that she's a wounded ACOA, her mother was a raging codependent before developing her own special version of alcoholism in later life. No doubt about it, my mother's needs were pretty low on the totem pole of day-to-day life.
What I also find interesting is the correlation between lists of co-dependent traits and behaviour and that of narcisists (underlying shame, indignation when people don't behave in a way that meets expectations etc): I have every blooming personailty disorder and psychological disturbance going when I read these lists (ex was right, I am a psychopath).
Which is why I don't really like the labels, if its this easy to diagnose myself with everything under the sun, how much easier to label someone else? and what does that in the end give us? I'm still approval seeking from those outside of myself (whether they be narcissists, borderlines, alcoholics, codependents, entirely healthy random strangers in the street), and not letting go of those who I find I am a toxic combination with. How do you develop that approval from within thing?
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I can so relate to this having read your post I realise my mother is a narcissist and that has fed my behaviour. Thus making the co dependany I suffer with my AHGF even worse.
Now I've realised it it's a step forward again.
Now I've realised it it's a step forward again.
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LOL, JenT. Yeah, the spelling thing is definitely being tested!
I agree about the narcissism label. Overused, for sure. But there's something to it because I have kept going back, and then subsequently have been NOT LETTING GO in all kinds of little ways. It's silly, silly, silly. And yet I can see how I HAVE let go in lots of ways that I couldn't let go before. But those little strands of hope are there, and I'm clutching them for dear life. ARGH. Frustrating.
I guess there is success in recognizing it. I'm packing up the clothing, any items at all that in my mind are threads of connection. It's not about "purging" the relationships, but recognizing the connections that I keep trying to hold, however insidiously those connections exist. And interestingly, those connections exist around people who are pretty d*mn good at getting what they want. Some part of me wants to be "good enough" for them, or prove that I'm good enough. Something like that.
Probably need to add some $$ to that therapy account... LOL.
Thanks,
posie
I agree about the narcissism label. Overused, for sure. But there's something to it because I have kept going back, and then subsequently have been NOT LETTING GO in all kinds of little ways. It's silly, silly, silly. And yet I can see how I HAVE let go in lots of ways that I couldn't let go before. But those little strands of hope are there, and I'm clutching them for dear life. ARGH. Frustrating.
I guess there is success in recognizing it. I'm packing up the clothing, any items at all that in my mind are threads of connection. It's not about "purging" the relationships, but recognizing the connections that I keep trying to hold, however insidiously those connections exist. And interestingly, those connections exist around people who are pretty d*mn good at getting what they want. Some part of me wants to be "good enough" for them, or prove that I'm good enough. Something like that.
Probably need to add some $$ to that therapy account... LOL.
Thanks,
posie
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Originally Posted by gerryP 
I too have a narcissist for a mother, more specifically boarderline personality disordered.
I haven't always been the best mother I should have been, but I am a good mother, and I do value my kids and always have, over and above myself.
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Infiniti, yes, NPD and BPD are two entirely different disorders and as a mother I don't think any of us are perfect but hopefully, we try our best. In regard to this post as a whole, many of us will read about the different personality disorder types and recognise some of the traits in ourselves. This doesn't necessarily mean we have the disorder.
After being on the recieving end of abuse as a child, I sought answers as to why my mother was so violently abusive. I'm not a psychologist, but I have practised as a counsellor and when I read about NPD, I ticked all the boxes for her....it made so much sense to me. I shared the information I found with my siblings and it made perfect sense to them too as we all suffer in different ways from the trauma inflicted upon us as children. It especially helped my eldest sister who had continually sought my mother's approval even into adulthood. She now realises that our mother will never see us as good enough, smart enough, worthy enough....unless of course we become extremely successful (in relation to what she views success as), married to wealthy professionals, living in an affluent area. Then and only then would she be 'proud' enough to boast to others about her children as long as we 'look good' too.
On a funny note (I find this hiliarious), 3 months after the birth of my last child, for a Christmas present, my mother gave me a set of scales to weigh myself, a pedometre to add up how many steps I walk in a day and cellulite scrub. In her opinion, she didn't know how I could stand the extra weight I was carrying and that I needed to lose it.
Last Christmas, we met for our standard yearly get together. My hair had just been done and I knew it looked good and my family thought so too. She told me it looked horrible and basically described me as looking like a skanky ho. I told her to go @#$% herself. I really don't care what her opinion is. The sad thing is, my youngest sister said that day that she feels so ugly due to everything she's been told since she was a kid and that she doesn't go to hairdressers because she's so ashamed of her hair. My sister is absolutely gorgeous...stunning. She could be a model. She is also extremely intelligent, genius level, but lives like a hermit because she doesn't trust anyone to get too close, except for me...thankfully.
So yeah, there really are hard core sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths out there and once you've been on the recieving end of one of them, you know it.
After being on the recieving end of abuse as a child, I sought answers as to why my mother was so violently abusive. I'm not a psychologist, but I have practised as a counsellor and when I read about NPD, I ticked all the boxes for her....it made so much sense to me. I shared the information I found with my siblings and it made perfect sense to them too as we all suffer in different ways from the trauma inflicted upon us as children. It especially helped my eldest sister who had continually sought my mother's approval even into adulthood. She now realises that our mother will never see us as good enough, smart enough, worthy enough....unless of course we become extremely successful (in relation to what she views success as), married to wealthy professionals, living in an affluent area. Then and only then would she be 'proud' enough to boast to others about her children as long as we 'look good' too.
On a funny note (I find this hiliarious), 3 months after the birth of my last child, for a Christmas present, my mother gave me a set of scales to weigh myself, a pedometre to add up how many steps I walk in a day and cellulite scrub. In her opinion, she didn't know how I could stand the extra weight I was carrying and that I needed to lose it.
Last Christmas, we met for our standard yearly get together. My hair had just been done and I knew it looked good and my family thought so too. She told me it looked horrible and basically described me as looking like a skanky ho. I told her to go @#$% herself. I really don't care what her opinion is. The sad thing is, my youngest sister said that day that she feels so ugly due to everything she's been told since she was a kid and that she doesn't go to hairdressers because she's so ashamed of her hair. My sister is absolutely gorgeous...stunning. She could be a model. She is also extremely intelligent, genius level, but lives like a hermit because she doesn't trust anyone to get too close, except for me...thankfully.
So yeah, there really are hard core sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths out there and once you've been on the recieving end of one of them, you know it.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Posie -
I'm STOKED for you!!!!
I think you're on the verge
of figuring something fundamental out
like a central point
from which
your paradigm of all relationships
have spiraled out from.
wooHOO!!!!
Just one hint:
Instead of figuring out mom...
figure out where you ...
became her.
Or
(if like me)
became something else...
... to please her.
That's the hub.
I'm STOKED for you!!!!
I think you're on the verge
of figuring something fundamental out
like a central point
from which
your paradigm of all relationships
have spiraled out from.
wooHOO!!!!
Just one hint:
Instead of figuring out mom...
figure out where you ...
became her.
Or
(if like me)
became something else...
... to please her.
That's the hub.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I always wondered why other people could not see the issues with my mom.
I am now an older adult, but here's a funny sad story. I was in rehab for treatment for my pill addiction. Here I am locked up, no car and under inpatient care. My mom comes to visit me on the Sunday of visitation, she can visit an hour and she proceeds to tell me my hair looks like hell and I need it cut and she knows I can't drive myself and the rules of rehab are that you only go out in the van to meetings, they don't transport to hair appointments and beauty spas. She then proceeded to tell the counselor what an idiot he was. I wanted to curl up right then and she's done this all my life, I was never perfect, my first perm was at 6 years of age..... I always just wanted to be accepted for myself. I got the message by the time I was 13 that I was not enough, pretty enough, smart enough, ever enough. That was when I developed anorexia. And I take full responsibility for my addiction but I can see this has been brewing for years for wanting to be perfect, for wanting to be enough. I realize now that she is acting out her issues. She was the daughter of a raging alcoholic and I believe she probably could have been in some form of addiction herself but instead it came out this way. To hear her talk she was the only child that was deprived during the depression.
I love my mom, I care for her, but I also realize I want to stop this pattern and stop being a victim to this behavior. Rehab did help me realize I have control over my boundaries. I can't control her but I can control my own issues and addiction and I forgive her because she probably did the best she could.
I am now an older adult, but here's a funny sad story. I was in rehab for treatment for my pill addiction. Here I am locked up, no car and under inpatient care. My mom comes to visit me on the Sunday of visitation, she can visit an hour and she proceeds to tell me my hair looks like hell and I need it cut and she knows I can't drive myself and the rules of rehab are that you only go out in the van to meetings, they don't transport to hair appointments and beauty spas. She then proceeded to tell the counselor what an idiot he was. I wanted to curl up right then and she's done this all my life, I was never perfect, my first perm was at 6 years of age..... I always just wanted to be accepted for myself. I got the message by the time I was 13 that I was not enough, pretty enough, smart enough, ever enough. That was when I developed anorexia. And I take full responsibility for my addiction but I can see this has been brewing for years for wanting to be perfect, for wanting to be enough. I realize now that she is acting out her issues. She was the daughter of a raging alcoholic and I believe she probably could have been in some form of addiction herself but instead it came out this way. To hear her talk she was the only child that was deprived during the depression.
I love my mom, I care for her, but I also realize I want to stop this pattern and stop being a victim to this behavior. Rehab did help me realize I have control over my boundaries. I can't control her but I can control my own issues and addiction and I forgive her because she probably did the best she could.
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Just chiming in to say my mom is a controlling, callous and judgmental individual. Everything in life has to be according to her fiat or she will throw an adult temper tantrum and threaten family members with various things to guilt trip people into getting her way. It really works quite well, drove me to basically putting a gun to my head once. (due to her abuse of calling me a worthless loser, calling family members and detailing how much of a failure I am, etc). She does nice things often but I think she takes 'payment' for doing such things by intentionally inflicting verbal/emotional abuse due to her own depression in life.
I wouldn't living @ home if it wasn't for my own previous drinking actions (need to wait until legal issues are settled, paying rent on a house w/ a friend but not living there). I'm fairly certain after I leave the house her and my dad will quickly spiral out of control. He is not fond of her at all, has stated he could honestly separate and never talk or interact with her again and be happy about it. He used to get the 'you are worthless/stupid' treatment a lot from her, a dentist with his own practice no less.
Just as an example of how she just willfully a bitch, yesterday I say:
Me: "I'm going to 'friend X''s house to watch some football for a bit"
Her: "Oh, you are going over to that loser's?"
Seriously? My best friend since middle school that has helped me out countless times? Every one of my friends is a loser to her since they aren't pulling in 6 figures (even if they are in college and working full time), I'm not good enough for myself, my sister needs to find a more successful boyfriend, my dad needs to run his business better, not sure what her deal is with my other sister, but its always something. My ex-gf was never good enough for her either, came from too blue collar/country/'low class' of a family.
She just wants everyone to live like she does: Work 70 hours a week, spend all free time looking at work email, shopping, or obsessing over cleaning the house/cottage. She lives 1.5 mi from her long time friend from high school, yet only tries to see her 2-3 times a year.
I wouldn't living @ home if it wasn't for my own previous drinking actions (need to wait until legal issues are settled, paying rent on a house w/ a friend but not living there). I'm fairly certain after I leave the house her and my dad will quickly spiral out of control. He is not fond of her at all, has stated he could honestly separate and never talk or interact with her again and be happy about it. He used to get the 'you are worthless/stupid' treatment a lot from her, a dentist with his own practice no less.
Just as an example of how she just willfully a bitch, yesterday I say:
Me: "I'm going to 'friend X''s house to watch some football for a bit"
Her: "Oh, you are going over to that loser's?"
Seriously? My best friend since middle school that has helped me out countless times? Every one of my friends is a loser to her since they aren't pulling in 6 figures (even if they are in college and working full time), I'm not good enough for myself, my sister needs to find a more successful boyfriend, my dad needs to run his business better, not sure what her deal is with my other sister, but its always something. My ex-gf was never good enough for her either, came from too blue collar/country/'low class' of a family.
She just wants everyone to live like she does: Work 70 hours a week, spend all free time looking at work email, shopping, or obsessing over cleaning the house/cottage. She lives 1.5 mi from her long time friend from high school, yet only tries to see her 2-3 times a year.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My mom is a victim. Often she reminds me of a small girl not an adult 60-year-old. There are many plans and enthusiasm- none are followed up. (I do the same). She does not care about her aspect or health.
It is scary to repeat their patterns but it is also priceless to become aware of the similarities we have with them. Also I love her and she has done the best she could - after all they serve as mirrors. A great person here told me "your mom may not beat depression, but you will" this has given me lots of hope for myself.
It is scary to repeat their patterns but it is also priceless to become aware of the similarities we have with them. Also I love her and she has done the best she could - after all they serve as mirrors. A great person here told me "your mom may not beat depression, but you will" this has given me lots of hope for myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Strange. My mother is not a narcissist. She does have some codie traits--she's definitely a giver, sometimes to a fault, but with age, she's learned to put her foot down, and nowadays she doesn't hesitate to slam some people into the ground when they disrespect her. I really love and respect my mother.
And yet, I chose an abusive narcissist alcoholic for a husband.
Looking back, I think that in my case, it had to do with poor judgment, a confusion regarding my identity (I'm biracial), and an inability to assert myself. My previous relationships were never chosen. They just happened on me, and I didn't have the spine to say "no thanks" when it was clear that it wasn't a good idea. Most of my previous boyfriends were with "broken" men, some of whom appeared normal but after some digging were clearly broken, while others were obvious basket cases. I still went with them though. I felt I needed to have a boyfriend to be complete. I was looking for the "Bad Boy" that I could identify with, be wild with (for the longest time I was convinced that my life was boring and that I needed to spice it up somehow), and then fix/save/domesticate.
XAH was just my "jackpot of a lifetime", almost like HP giving me the whopping of a lifetime to cleanse me of that silly need to save/change my partner, and make me realize that I had balls after all, I just needed to use them.
And yet, I chose an abusive narcissist alcoholic for a husband.
Looking back, I think that in my case, it had to do with poor judgment, a confusion regarding my identity (I'm biracial), and an inability to assert myself. My previous relationships were never chosen. They just happened on me, and I didn't have the spine to say "no thanks" when it was clear that it wasn't a good idea. Most of my previous boyfriends were with "broken" men, some of whom appeared normal but after some digging were clearly broken, while others were obvious basket cases. I still went with them though. I felt I needed to have a boyfriend to be complete. I was looking for the "Bad Boy" that I could identify with, be wild with (for the longest time I was convinced that my life was boring and that I needed to spice it up somehow), and then fix/save/domesticate.
XAH was just my "jackpot of a lifetime", almost like HP giving me the whopping of a lifetime to cleanse me of that silly need to save/change my partner, and make me realize that I had balls after all, I just needed to use them.
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