lillian

I haven't posted for sometime-- i have been coasting- i have had a boyfriend for the past three years, and had the comfort and luxury of not being alone. but i always wondered if i loved him--when i met my boyfriend, i was a year out of my relationship/ended marriage with my alcoholic now exhusband, whom i loved so much. a year later, the boyfriend wanted to move in/progrss, and i said yes, even though i wasn't sure i really wanted to live with him--the comfort of having a new person who loved me, wanted to move in, liked the domestic life with me, helped with bills, was so comforting. but something felt missing- i never wanted to share myself completely. i have told him this before, and we coasted-he hoped i'd change my mind, and i thought maybe i would-but finally, yesterday, i broke up with him- i felt myself having a crush on another (who doesn't like me and is entirely unrealistic- a fantasy person, not a real relationship), not wanting to make plans for the future, and it didn't seem fair to him.

but now that i am faced with the reality of being alone-- boy, am i scared. and i realize i never completed my own recovery-- never gained confidence or figured out what i wanted to do. i guess i feel good that i was honest, and ended the relationship before i had an affair -- but now i am scared that i will never meet anyone else, that i will be alone- thinking about coming home to an empty house, needing to find another job-- mostly, of being alone and fearing i will always be alone. that my life is incomplete- i don't know what i want out of life. that's why i broke up with my boyfriend, but the reality of it scares me so much-- because what if i never figure that stuff out? i am super scared. i think i mentioned that. oh boy...

did anyone else have this experience? i am 39. i would like a family. am i being too picky? am i foolish to throw this away?

DarkMage

I have found that you must achieve your own recovery before entering into a relationship. We want these so badly. I taught myself not to jump into a relationship until I was able to totally stand on my own and I basically said that I could be with someone who had the same thing. The want for a relationship, not the need. There is a difference between a want and a need. We must be careful of our needs. Are they realistic? Is this self serving?

I decided to pursue a relationship when I had resolved the vast majority of my inner demons. I didn't want to impart my chaos on anyone.

Hopefully this helps you.

-DM