He is out again :)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
He is out again :)
Ok I've been here before. I threw my AH out and let him come back a month later while still drinking. This was last November.
Fast forward to now. He has been isolating himself by staying downstairs and drinking. I confronted him about doing some drugs and he adamantly denied doing them but five minutes later he packed and left. That tells me his did them. He came back at midnight the same night trashed and I told him this wasn't a flop house. He ended up staying in the basement cuz I didn't want him drinking and driving.
I got up for work at 3:30am and he got up calling me the C word and etc. Telling me I'm making my kids miserable, etc. Anyway, I know that the alcoholic turns it around on you.
During the time he came back from November my daughter has been diagnosed with depression and was reported to cut herself. Her therapist has mentioned to me that my AH's drinking is one of the main reasons for her problems. My daughter and son's mental health in the most important to me. My daughter stated she feels relief that he is gone and my son does not know if he wants him to come home. That's a reality check for me.
Of course I feel bad for him. (the codi in me) he is not healthy and he doesn't have a job and has no money. How is he going to live? He has no where to stay. Well, maybe if he stayed quit drinking years ago he wouldn't be where he is today.
He left on Friday. I texted him yesterday but today will be the first day I will NOT text him. I don't want him to think that I need him. What would I need him for anyway? Money - No, helping around the house - No, parenting - No. I've been basically living without him anyways.
I'm hoping that this time he will hit rock bottom but I highly doubt it. I'm also going through bankruptcy at the moment. Too much going on.
I have to remember to take one day at a time. Thanks for letting me state my story.
Fast forward to now. He has been isolating himself by staying downstairs and drinking. I confronted him about doing some drugs and he adamantly denied doing them but five minutes later he packed and left. That tells me his did them. He came back at midnight the same night trashed and I told him this wasn't a flop house. He ended up staying in the basement cuz I didn't want him drinking and driving.
I got up for work at 3:30am and he got up calling me the C word and etc. Telling me I'm making my kids miserable, etc. Anyway, I know that the alcoholic turns it around on you.
During the time he came back from November my daughter has been diagnosed with depression and was reported to cut herself. Her therapist has mentioned to me that my AH's drinking is one of the main reasons for her problems. My daughter and son's mental health in the most important to me. My daughter stated she feels relief that he is gone and my son does not know if he wants him to come home. That's a reality check for me.
Of course I feel bad for him. (the codi in me) he is not healthy and he doesn't have a job and has no money. How is he going to live? He has no where to stay. Well, maybe if he stayed quit drinking years ago he wouldn't be where he is today.
He left on Friday. I texted him yesterday but today will be the first day I will NOT text him. I don't want him to think that I need him. What would I need him for anyway? Money - No, helping around the house - No, parenting - No. I've been basically living without him anyways.
I'm hoping that this time he will hit rock bottom but I highly doubt it. I'm also going through bankruptcy at the moment. Too much going on.
I have to remember to take one day at a time. Thanks for letting me state my story.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're doing the right thing, for all of you.
There are places for him to stay and eat. They may not be nice places like his home, but he can survive.
Can you get yourself to Al-Anon and your kids to Alateen? It can help in terms of sorting out the chaos and giving you all some peace.
There are places for him to stay and eat. They may not be nice places like his home, but he can survive.
Can you get yourself to Al-Anon and your kids to Alateen? It can help in terms of sorting out the chaos and giving you all some peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Sometimes "bottoming out" is simply a way to describe a point where one has burned all the bridges, tapped out all the resources, used up all the excuses, can no longer rely on good will, sympathy, family, friends or oneself for "a way out."
This is also sometimes known as the "gift of desperation." I had to wake up on the floor of a church one morning, with nowhere else to go. No one else would any longer put up with me or accept my self pity and excuses.
That was the true beginning of my recovery.
blessings
zenbear
This is also sometimes known as the "gift of desperation." I had to wake up on the floor of a church one morning, with nowhere else to go. No one else would any longer put up with me or accept my self pity and excuses.
That was the true beginning of my recovery.
blessings
zenbear
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi veryregretful
So sorry for you at the moment and what your going through - I empathise.
You are obviously up on the jargon (codi etc) so you know better and just have to follow through with the actions.
It also sounds like your playing the alcoholic game if you stop playing then its not a game and whether you text him or not, will not make him hit his rock bottom!
My own grown up daughter (19yrs) told me the other day that she was happier when her dad left a few years ago and was mad with me for taking him back following an alcoholic episode/internet affair. She has moved out of home now due to her dads bullying behaviour towards her and I am pleased is much happier and stable. I am still living with this man though who has forced my daughter to make the descision to leave home at what I consider far too young and not how I would have liked her to move out, his parenting stlye is so unpredictable that both me and his daughters never know which way he is going to go with any parenting matters.
It sounds to me as though your daughter is in deep pain and is trying to tell you something. If you say that your son and daughters mental health is the most important thing to you, then that is a no brainer - follow through! or live with the possible consequences if you dont, which could be far worse than bancruptcy or anything else you are dealing with right now.
I know its easier said than done and I am still with my AH so dont want to sound two faced but stop giving him any thought whatsoever and concentrate on you and your children. Focus on you and your children and care more about you and your children for all of your sanitys sake. Your children both sound like they need at least one stable parent in their lives and your husbands a big boy and should be able to take care of himself.
So sorry for you at the moment and what your going through - I empathise.
You are obviously up on the jargon (codi etc) so you know better and just have to follow through with the actions.
It also sounds like your playing the alcoholic game
I texted him yesterday but today will be the first day I will NOT text him. I don't want him to think that I need him
I'm hoping that this time he will hit rock bottom but I highly doubt it
My own grown up daughter (19yrs) told me the other day that she was happier when her dad left a few years ago and was mad with me for taking him back following an alcoholic episode/internet affair. She has moved out of home now due to her dads bullying behaviour towards her and I am pleased is much happier and stable. I am still living with this man though who has forced my daughter to make the descision to leave home at what I consider far too young and not how I would have liked her to move out, his parenting stlye is so unpredictable that both me and his daughters never know which way he is going to go with any parenting matters.
It sounds to me as though your daughter is in deep pain and is trying to tell you something. If you say that your son and daughters mental health is the most important thing to you, then that is a no brainer - follow through! or live with the possible consequences if you dont, which could be far worse than bancruptcy or anything else you are dealing with right now.
I know its easier said than done and I am still with my AH so dont want to sound two faced but stop giving him any thought whatsoever and concentrate on you and your children. Focus on you and your children and care more about you and your children for all of your sanitys sake. Your children both sound like they need at least one stable parent in their lives and your husbands a big boy and should be able to take care of himself.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by veryregretful 
... he is not healthy and he doesn't have a job and has no money. How is he going to live? He has no where to stay.
He will manage. Their creativity and lying is prodigious. He will find a way. They all do. The world is full of suckers who will help them. And they are the most selfish, conscience-less people around. They look out for themselves just fine. And they ALWAYS figure it out. It may not be to your standards or how you like to live, but...THEY ALWAYS FIND A WAY.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
thank you for your responses.
i never thought i was playing a game by not texting him. i guess that does make sense. I was just thinking that if I don't text him that maybe he would know I mean business this time. Last time I was always texting him with the I love you's and such. I also can't believe he hasn't even tried to call his kids.
i know my kids come first. one of my daughters big stressors is my AH drinking and his mouth. She said it was a relief he is gone.
I guess i have to go through the grieving process. I really couldn't on with the fact that he would be in the basement drinking and thinking that the kids weren't affected by it. i, myself, was in denial. It's been 4 days since he has been gone and there is no tension, stress, etc.
i know my dd won't be better over night but this is a start.
I have been the sucker for the past 20 years. To feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over his head, etc. All his friends know how he is so I know they won't take him in and they haven't. The only place he can go is up to our trailer. He has from now to Oct 15th. they close that weekend. After that who knows what will happen. I can't worry about that. I have myself and my kids to worry about. He is a grownup. He should be able to take care of himself.
I have given him many chances. Now I don't think he will change. I think he thinks that in a month he will be able to come back. I don't think so. I can't go on anymore like it has been. What kind of family is that. ah stays downstairs in basement. me up here with kids. daughter in her room all the time. that's not what a family is.
i know i said this before but he hasn't even contacted the kids. it's been since thursday actually and today is monday and no contact with the. wtf? i guess i know where his priorities are.
one thing i am thinking of doing is moving. selling the house and moving. i want it done today but realisically that's not happening. i have a lot to clean out of house and to finish a few things. may take me 6 months. my kids just turned 15 and their father just left and now to move them. i can afford the house but i don't want to be here anymore. i have been here 20 years and my husband basically built this house. too many bad memories here. i just hope this won't be like a double whammy with the kids and make it even more difficult for them. i know kids are resiliant but of course i worry about them.
right now they are my number one priority. i need to focus on thier happiness. and my own.
my ah is a big boy. yes he is an alcoholic. he has nodules on his lungs, copd, lupus, ra and other things. he is not healthy. he has no job. my codi in me is feeling bad for him and to make things right, but he is the one who has to do it.
it's been since friday since i have seen him. i feel like i should be able to function more. i guess maybe i am sad, mad at him, mad at myself for letting it go on for so long.
I have been basically doing this all by myself anyways. bills, giving the kids rides, yard work, housecleaning, etc., by myself for all these years so i know i can do it now.
sorry about the rambling. it helps to get it out.
i just got off the phone with my sister and i mentioned about moving. she said get a realtor over to see what i could sell it for and what i need to do and to start throwing crap away. it would be a step forward but it seems very overwhelming. one day at a time.
enough now. your eyes must be tired from my post.
i never thought i was playing a game by not texting him. i guess that does make sense. I was just thinking that if I don't text him that maybe he would know I mean business this time. Last time I was always texting him with the I love you's and such. I also can't believe he hasn't even tried to call his kids.
i know my kids come first. one of my daughters big stressors is my AH drinking and his mouth. She said it was a relief he is gone.
I guess i have to go through the grieving process. I really couldn't on with the fact that he would be in the basement drinking and thinking that the kids weren't affected by it. i, myself, was in denial. It's been 4 days since he has been gone and there is no tension, stress, etc.
i know my dd won't be better over night but this is a start.
I have been the sucker for the past 20 years. To feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over his head, etc. All his friends know how he is so I know they won't take him in and they haven't. The only place he can go is up to our trailer. He has from now to Oct 15th. they close that weekend. After that who knows what will happen. I can't worry about that. I have myself and my kids to worry about. He is a grownup. He should be able to take care of himself.
I have given him many chances. Now I don't think he will change. I think he thinks that in a month he will be able to come back. I don't think so. I can't go on anymore like it has been. What kind of family is that. ah stays downstairs in basement. me up here with kids. daughter in her room all the time. that's not what a family is.
i know i said this before but he hasn't even contacted the kids. it's been since thursday actually and today is monday and no contact with the. wtf? i guess i know where his priorities are.
one thing i am thinking of doing is moving. selling the house and moving. i want it done today but realisically that's not happening. i have a lot to clean out of house and to finish a few things. may take me 6 months. my kids just turned 15 and their father just left and now to move them. i can afford the house but i don't want to be here anymore. i have been here 20 years and my husband basically built this house. too many bad memories here. i just hope this won't be like a double whammy with the kids and make it even more difficult for them. i know kids are resiliant but of course i worry about them.
right now they are my number one priority. i need to focus on thier happiness. and my own.
my ah is a big boy. yes he is an alcoholic. he has nodules on his lungs, copd, lupus, ra and other things. he is not healthy. he has no job. my codi in me is feeling bad for him and to make things right, but he is the one who has to do it.
it's been since friday since i have seen him. i feel like i should be able to function more. i guess maybe i am sad, mad at him, mad at myself for letting it go on for so long.
I have been basically doing this all by myself anyways. bills, giving the kids rides, yard work, housecleaning, etc., by myself for all these years so i know i can do it now.
sorry about the rambling. it helps to get it out.
i just got off the phone with my sister and i mentioned about moving. she said get a realtor over to see what i could sell it for and what i need to do and to start throwing crap away. it would be a step forward but it seems very overwhelming. one day at a time.
enough now. your eyes must be tired from my post.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
ok, yes I do creep on him by looking at the sprint bill to see who he has called. sick, I know so please don't blast me. I'm not calling hiim because I really don't have any thing to say to him.
anyways, he hasn't been working in a long time. says there is no work. I've been taking care of him financially. once in a while he will do a side job and get money and that's where his booze money comes from.
so i just looked at the sprint log and notice he is trying to call a guy he used to work for. I guess it took for me not to let him back in to look for work. whatever.
i didn't reread my post i posted earlier but i've been thinking after the bankruptcy is over, i'm going to put the house up for sale and move. I'll have to rent for awhile but that's okay. So tomorrow is trash day so i'm starting to get rid of things so the house can sell. i think that it would be good for me and the kids to get a fresh start. this is not an impulse decision but one i've been thinking of for a long time but didn't want to sell and buy a new house with an alcoholic husband and have the same problems. right now i live in a small city and there are alot of gangs and crime and want to get my kids away from here. they are starting 9th grade next week. i would like to go to a small town and start fresh. Too many bad memories here and also the house is way too big for us.
i really don't have a question. i think i just needed to type this out so i can reread it. i should just start a blog but don't know how.
I do notice the difference between last time he was gone and this time. I am not obsessing about him. I'm doing things instead of being a couch potatoe and have not shed one tear. is that cruel of me. not to cry?
I'm just a little more scatter brained than normal lol
anyways, he hasn't been working in a long time. says there is no work. I've been taking care of him financially. once in a while he will do a side job and get money and that's where his booze money comes from.
so i just looked at the sprint log and notice he is trying to call a guy he used to work for. I guess it took for me not to let him back in to look for work. whatever.
i didn't reread my post i posted earlier but i've been thinking after the bankruptcy is over, i'm going to put the house up for sale and move. I'll have to rent for awhile but that's okay. So tomorrow is trash day so i'm starting to get rid of things so the house can sell. i think that it would be good for me and the kids to get a fresh start. this is not an impulse decision but one i've been thinking of for a long time but didn't want to sell and buy a new house with an alcoholic husband and have the same problems. right now i live in a small city and there are alot of gangs and crime and want to get my kids away from here. they are starting 9th grade next week. i would like to go to a small town and start fresh. Too many bad memories here and also the house is way too big for us.
i really don't have a question. i think i just needed to type this out so i can reread it. i should just start a blog but don't know how.
I do notice the difference between last time he was gone and this time. I am not obsessing about him. I'm doing things instead of being a couch potatoe and have not shed one tear. is that cruel of me. not to cry?
I'm just a little more scatter brained than normal lol
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
he is not healthy. he has no job. my codi in me is feeling bad for him and to make things right, but he is the one who has to do it.
Once they know they have their hooks in
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thanks Mambo,
I really don't know where my AH has been staying since he left. I did see is brother today and said he said there last night. Tonight I think he is over my sister's boyfriend (he is an alki also). I know I shouldn't have but I checked sprint again and saw his phone number. So I know that's where he is. My AH doesn't even like the guy. He's going to be running out of places to stay and where will he end up? On my doorstep. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to say 'no you can't come back until you have some sober time'.
I'm actually being nice. He is driving in a truck that's in my name. I'm paying the insurance and paying for his cell phone. I'm giving him till October 1 then I want the plates for the truck and I'm turning his cell phone off. It's very hard but I have to do it. I can't take care of him anymore. My kids need me more than ever now.
This is so hard!!!!!!! The codi brain is fighting with the realistic brain. Realistic brain better win.
sigh
I really don't know where my AH has been staying since he left. I did see is brother today and said he said there last night. Tonight I think he is over my sister's boyfriend (he is an alki also). I know I shouldn't have but I checked sprint again and saw his phone number. So I know that's where he is. My AH doesn't even like the guy. He's going to be running out of places to stay and where will he end up? On my doorstep. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to say 'no you can't come back until you have some sober time'.
I'm actually being nice. He is driving in a truck that's in my name. I'm paying the insurance and paying for his cell phone. I'm giving him till October 1 then I want the plates for the truck and I'm turning his cell phone off. It's very hard but I have to do it. I can't take care of him anymore. My kids need me more than ever now.
This is so hard!!!!!!! The codi brain is fighting with the realistic brain. Realistic brain better win.
sigh
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