Nightmare21

for my "husbands" actions?

It's been a while since I last spoke to him and I was starting to think maybe he moved on from me or either had another alcohol/drug overdose. But he called one morning saying he actually checked himself into a psychiatric hospital

Apparently he was feeling very suicidal (felt like jumping from a building, into traffic, into the river) started drinking and was caught by police while he was out in the streets. He told the police what he wanted to do and he voluntarily went into a crisis center and ended up at a hospital.

He called me in a panic. He's never been in this sort of situation before. It's all new to him. He was complaining about nearly everything there; the other patients there seemed far worse then he was, it was under staffed and it was just horrible. To make things worse, it's the same place or daughter was at for a few weeks right before her death. He asked to be sent somewhere else but they denied his request.

I almost feel sorry for him... Or should I say I do. I've visited my daughter there many times and it's almost like a jail. Our daughter would cry everytime we left when visiting hours were over and would be nearly in tears when we'd talk to her on the phone. The people there also seemed much worse off then her. She was completely misserable there. It's hard for me even to type this as all these horrible memories are coming to mind. My husband wouldn't even want to go see her because she was in such a bad state. But now he's in the same spot. Although I guess he's in a better spot now since he's off the streets, has a roof over his head, has food and a safe place to sleep and best of all he's not using or drinking.

I feel sorry for him because I know what he is going through. It's the same thing our daughter went though. I feel as though maybe I wasnt there enough for him and thats why he turned to drinking and using. Was I not supportive enough after the loss of our daughter when all this started? Did I not let him grieve enough or did I expect too much from him? I may never know but I don't think I did. If anything I felt like I was the stronger one during the loss of our daughter. Perhaps I should have been there for him. Maybe then he wouldnt drink?

dollydo

You could have sat on his lap 24/7 and if wanted a drink, he would have figured out how to get one.

Don't blame yourself, you are just second guessing yourself, and there is no real answer to why he is an addict. He just is.

Make today a great day!

Pelican

From what I remember of your earlier posts concerning your AH following your daughter's death, he seemed to be running from his grief.

I think your HP just put a stop to the running and put him in the perfect place to face his grief, sober.

He has a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and professional help.

After Victoria died, you had your own grieving to do. You sought counseling and took time to walk through your pain. You could not walk through your husbands pain for him. That is impossible. You were powerless to control his grief and subsequent drinking.

Please re-read the last paragraph of your post (quoted above). You posted guilt over not having super-human (or miraculous) healing abilities. Guilt over not being able to rescue your AH.

Please put down that load of guilt. It is not yours to carry.

Sending you (((hugs))), love and support!

Jadmack25

Sending loads of love and hugs to you, and emphasising that you have no reason for guilt. He handled his grief, anger and life as he did, and is where he is because of his decisions, not your placing him there.

He would probably complain in the garden of Eden, because he misses his drink and drugs, is in some turmoil as he may want them, but is terrified of the price he may pay.

Take this time to steady yourself, to strengthen your boundaries and know where you want to be, and leave him to be helped by those who are trained, and not as closely involved as you are.
I have you in my prayers.

God bless

tjp613

(((Nightmare21))) I just read all of your previous posts because I was not familiar with your background story. First of all I want to say how very, very sorry I am for the loss of your precious daughter.

As if that loss weren't enough to bring someone to their knees, you then had to deal with your dear husband spiraling out of control. How very sad You have been through an incredible experience this past year but you seem to have done everything "right"....or at least the very best that could be expected from a human being!

It breaks my heart to hear you blaming yourself for the troubles your husband is experiencing. My dear, you tried dozens of times to get him into counseling but HE REFUSED TO GO! He made the choice to deal with his grief in this way and there is nothing you could have done that would have made any difference whatsoever. You had a big enough task just keeping your own self together!...and you did a very fine job of that.

I know it's natural to blame yourself in some way in this situation. He's in pain and you want to relieve some of that for him....but blaming yourself will not accomplish anything of the sort. In the end we are all responsible for our OWN actions and choices and he alone is responsible for his current situation. It may seem harsh, but you know it's true.

Can you spend the weekend with friends? Seems like that would be a good choice. Whatever you do, be very kind to yourself. You so deserve it.

(((((Hugs)))))