Same old, same old.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
Same old, same old.
Feeling horribly whiny/frustrated/sad/irritated today, so I'll apologize for the long and rant-y post, but maybe just writing it up and putting it out there will clear my head and get me dealing with it.
I'm having a hard time reconciling what I want with my life vs what I think I want vs what I have, YK? AH has relapsed and is drinking daily. I told him several weeks ago when he was still in the 'I'm hiding my drinking' phase that I wasn't going to police him or his drinking. This has lead to him drinking openly. Every night. Today he was joking about how it has been awhile since we've been intimate and I nicely told him that I don't find it attractive that he drinks, and that I don't really want to have regular contact with him when he has had even one beer, let alone contact of the intimate kind. I feel like I've done a decent job of limiting contact when he is drinking. After this morning's short conversation, I'm both irritated that it's taken him this long to realize that we haven't been in the same room longer than 5 minutes for the past 2 weeks and that I hadn't realized it had been that long since we HADN'T been in a room together for longer than 5 minutes. On one hand, I'm proud that I recognize that he chooses to drink and that there isn't anything I can do, and then on the other, I'm irritated that part of me knows this and yet continues to stay.
He finally brought home a paycheck today (after a 7 week transition from his old job to the new one...), so I can finally catch up our bills and start saving again for a lawyer and rental fees. I half wonder if I'm using the money thing as an excuse. Part of me just plain old doesn't want to deal with divorce and tells myself that it's not 'that bad', so I should just suck it up and deal with my life. But I don't really want to 'hide' in my own house and avoid AH every time he's drinking-especially if it's going to be a nightly occurrence (makes for an awfully hollow marriage, IMO).
I have found quite a few hobbies and things I really want to do that are fun, but it still feels like these things are distractions from my life rather than part of my life. I can't talk to AH about any of the new-awesome fun I'm having b/c he's been drinking most of the time. I don't know that 'no/limited contact' is going to work for me, although I read that it works for other couples/families. I want to experience life with my partner, not carve a life around him, and I think maybe I'm just now coming to that realization.
We're supposed to go out this evening, have dinner, grocery shop & talk, but I have the sneaking suspicion that this is all to 'make nice' and pave the way for intimate time later today. And probably an argument. One night of playing sober does not make him instantly attractive again, and I don't believe for a second that our conversation today has 'changed his mind' about his behavior.
Gah. Now I have more to think about and more to process and to mentally prepare for the evening.
As always, thank you for listening and simply being there.
I'm having a hard time reconciling what I want with my life vs what I think I want vs what I have, YK? AH has relapsed and is drinking daily. I told him several weeks ago when he was still in the 'I'm hiding my drinking' phase that I wasn't going to police him or his drinking. This has lead to him drinking openly. Every night. Today he was joking about how it has been awhile since we've been intimate and I nicely told him that I don't find it attractive that he drinks, and that I don't really want to have regular contact with him when he has had even one beer, let alone contact of the intimate kind. I feel like I've done a decent job of limiting contact when he is drinking. After this morning's short conversation, I'm both irritated that it's taken him this long to realize that we haven't been in the same room longer than 5 minutes for the past 2 weeks and that I hadn't realized it had been that long since we HADN'T been in a room together for longer than 5 minutes. On one hand, I'm proud that I recognize that he chooses to drink and that there isn't anything I can do, and then on the other, I'm irritated that part of me knows this and yet continues to stay.
He finally brought home a paycheck today (after a 7 week transition from his old job to the new one...), so I can finally catch up our bills and start saving again for a lawyer and rental fees. I half wonder if I'm using the money thing as an excuse. Part of me just plain old doesn't want to deal with divorce and tells myself that it's not 'that bad', so I should just suck it up and deal with my life. But I don't really want to 'hide' in my own house and avoid AH every time he's drinking-especially if it's going to be a nightly occurrence (makes for an awfully hollow marriage, IMO).
I have found quite a few hobbies and things I really want to do that are fun, but it still feels like these things are distractions from my life rather than part of my life. I can't talk to AH about any of the new-awesome fun I'm having b/c he's been drinking most of the time. I don't know that 'no/limited contact' is going to work for me, although I read that it works for other couples/families. I want to experience life with my partner, not carve a life around him, and I think maybe I'm just now coming to that realization.
We're supposed to go out this evening, have dinner, grocery shop & talk, but I have the sneaking suspicion that this is all to 'make nice' and pave the way for intimate time later today. And probably an argument. One night of playing sober does not make him instantly attractive again, and I don't believe for a second that our conversation today has 'changed his mind' about his behavior.
Gah. Now I have more to think about and more to process and to mentally prepare for the evening.
As always, thank you for listening and simply being there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
I totally know what you mean that 1 night of making nice and being sober doesn't magically make you want to be intimate. Especially for women, intimacy is about a strong emotional connection, which is just not there when you have to spend most of your time avoiding drunkenness and/or bad behavior. Feeling safe, loved and respected by your husband is something that needs to be demonstrated more than occasionally in order to feel genuine.
When my AH acts nice to get sex it always makes me sad because I feel like he doesn't think it is necessary to bother to treat me with love unless he wants something. I have also had to point out that brushing his teeth to cover the smell of booze is not exactly the love I'm looking for. He honestly does not believe me when I tell him I can still smell the reek of alcohol after he's brushed his teeth.
I also find myself planning how to avoid AH as much as possible. If it's a bad night, I get to be belittled and told how incompetent I am. If it's a good night, I have to pretend everything is all good because he decided to be nice and normal.
I agree with you about wanting a life WITH a partner. What is the point of a partner that you actively avoid and can only have fun when you are doing things to distract yourself from your own life? I find myself living 2 lives. One is my work, which I absolutely love. I get to be independent, make my own decisions, and work in an area that I am passionate about. My other life is when I come home, avoid AH, and count the minutes until the weekend is over and I can go back to my work life where I am allowed to be my genuine self. This whole 2 lives business is draining.
When my AH acts nice to get sex it always makes me sad because I feel like he doesn't think it is necessary to bother to treat me with love unless he wants something. I have also had to point out that brushing his teeth to cover the smell of booze is not exactly the love I'm looking for. He honestly does not believe me when I tell him I can still smell the reek of alcohol after he's brushed his teeth.
I also find myself planning how to avoid AH as much as possible. If it's a bad night, I get to be belittled and told how incompetent I am. If it's a good night, I have to pretend everything is all good because he decided to be nice and normal.
I agree with you about wanting a life WITH a partner. What is the point of a partner that you actively avoid and can only have fun when you are doing things to distract yourself from your own life? I find myself living 2 lives. One is my work, which I absolutely love. I get to be independent, make my own decisions, and work in an area that I am passionate about. My other life is when I come home, avoid AH, and count the minutes until the weekend is over and I can go back to my work life where I am allowed to be my genuine self. This whole 2 lives business is draining.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
but it still feels like these things are distractions from my life rather than part of my life
We change things when we've had enough.
I think your'e getting there.
And meanwhile (and even beyone)
we're here.
Oh -
and if you're really knitting ... I'm a 3x.
And I really like black.. And white.
Jus' sayin'.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
Sasha MB, I totally get you on the double life thing. I also completely relate to the whole 'but I brushed my teeth' dialogue.
Barb, I am completely enthralled with knitting at this point in my life, lol. Let me get through Xmas gifts and we'll see what I can do
At the very least, I'm an EXCELLENT hat/scarf maker (if I do say so myself...).
Barb, I am completely enthralled with knitting at this point in my life, lol. Let me get through Xmas gifts and we'll see what I can do
At the very least, I'm an EXCELLENT hat/scarf maker (if I do say so myself...).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Oh I remember staying just because it was too complicated and scary to think of leaving. I also reasoned with myself that I could "make it work" somehow, and that it wasn't so bad. However, in the end, I came to realize that I wanted more and that I wasn't willing to just settle because there was a big puzzle ahead. You too deserve to have a life that's better than "Not so bad".
Keep sticking to your boundaries regarding drinking and intimacy, and perhaps now's the time to brainstorm an exit strategy?
Can't hurt...
p.s. I'm also a crazy obsessed knitter and have begun tackling...LACE CHARTS!!! AIEEEEE!!!
Keep sticking to your boundaries regarding drinking and intimacy, and perhaps now's the time to brainstorm an exit strategy?
Can't hurt...
p.s. I'm also a crazy obsessed knitter and have begun tackling...LACE CHARTS!!! AIEEEEE!!!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I can't believe I've put my real size online ... 
Taking the phrase 'I've grown" ... to a WHOLE new level!
A smile can do as much for helping someone as the best most practical advice IMO.
Taking the phrase 'I've grown" ... to a WHOLE new level!
A smile can do as much for helping someone as the best most practical advice IMO.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
I can't believe I've put my real size online ...
Taking the phrase 'I've grown" ... to a WHOLE new level!
A smile can do as much for helping someone as the best most practical advice IMO.
Taking the phrase 'I've grown" ... to a WHOLE new level!
A smile can do as much for helping someone as the best most practical advice IMO.
My daughter knits. Another thing she does that I can't/don't do! I love it!
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