Nightmare21

I'm sure this is a pretty common question here, but... How do you move on in your life?

I saw my estranged husband again today after a few weeks of no contact. I was so relieved to see him! I really did fear the worse since I had not heard from him since I kicked him out of my house. He once again, randomly showed up at my house. He didn't seem to drop by for any apparent reason and appeared to be just in the neighborhood. I couldn't believe my eyes and from a distace didn't even recognize him. He now looks like a "bum". He was dirty, he lost a lot of weight, he's rail thin, his once normal complexion seems to be anything but and he just looked sick. He was acting like how he usally acts during the times he drops by - talking a mile a minute, very anxious, picking at his skin and ranting on about how he he thought he saw a chicken leg in the sky and he thought the world was going to hatch ????? I asked him what he'd been up to and he said he did stay at the homeless shelter but decided to leave because they ran out of suplise and there were too many fights. So he's been sleeping in the streets or at different friends houses.

I'm so tired of worring about him!

Pelican

I'm sorry that your husband is still 'out there'. For now, this is the path he has chosen.

We don't stop caring because they choose a path of active addiction. We have compassion and concern for their well-being.

I don't have the right words or answers for you today. Yet I wanted to let you know that you were heard. You are important. You matter.

(((hugs)))
Please keep taking care of yourself. We care about YOU!

yorkiegirl

I really feel what you are saying. What Pelican said is beautiful.

I would like to believe that working on myself as I let whatever I am going through pass, it seems to get better (little by little, small steps backward, more steps forward).

I hope you can focus your positive energy on you (and detach from you ex with love and compassion).

hello-kitty

Yes it's sad. I always say to myself, "there but for the grace of god go I."

We have to let go or be dragged sometimes. There is just no other options. Letting go does not mean we stop caring. It just means we love someone and respect them enough to let them live with consequences of their choices. And we love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves while they do that.

Moving on is a gradual process that starts with letting go of outcomes.

Carol Star

You can pray for him and pray for you in the situation. You can give him to God. You can go to Alanon and share. You can stay close to God and your friends. You can stay busy with things you enjoy and get the focus back on you. You can come here and vent. You can work the program you wish he would work. Do you have family and friend support that could stage an intervention? Or.....you can let go and not let it effect your day to day life...( I know-easier said than done) but my XAH did not want recovery and I did finally accept that I had to let go or be dragged. It was sad to let go but now I have my life back. He isn't my business anymore. Love was not enough. I gave him to God.

RollTide

I started going to AlAnon, started back to church, doing things with friends that I had before I met him. I am trying to...as they say...work the program that you wish he would work. And I can feel a huge difference. The sky is blue again.

Nightmare21

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It really means a lot.


He came by for a visit (again ) this time, he was *completely* different from who he was yesterday. He was very aggressive, angry and everything around him annoyed him. He said he'd slept at the cemetery where our daughters at (weird??) but was kicked out after he was found by security. I guess that messed up his whole day there. He continued rambling on again and than asked for money for the bus and dissapeared again.


I am having problems just letting go. He's been in my life for almost over 30 years, so taking him out of my life (even a little) would be a difficult tasks. I do miss him, just not his habbits. I think I need to have him less in my life in order to move on with mine. I could tell him not to drop by at my house anyone and to never contact me again. I know what I have to do, it's just the matter of actually acting upon it.

sesh

So sorry to hear you're going through all this.
I went through similar situation with my RAH not long ago. He just gave up on himself, he suffers from PTSD and few months ago he has reached that point when his health started to fail him, but still refused to do anything about it. His liver was not working properly (eventualy he was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis) and the toxins were affecting his brain, so he was acting in the similar way your AH is acting now. He was beyond point to help himself.
Somewhere around that time I did start to move one, and as for how I think the most honest answer is Because I couldn't stand that pain any more. I was always a fighter, all my life, whatever came my way I wanted to face it, but with all this happening I finally gave myself presmission not to stand in the face of the storm, so I became grateful, whatever was happening to him, and regardless of how painful that was, I became grateful I don't have to witness it from the front row. I gave myself persmission to run away, to not be so strong and that great feeling of gratefulness I experienced gave me peace.
Once I reached that peaceful place, I was able to work on my anger, as I finally understood he wasn't doing anything to me, he was doing it to himself, he couldn't help himself.
I realized there is nothing I can do but help myself, and after that every step became easier, as I finaly uderstood it is either him or me and him.
It just so happened that during that time my RAH went into hospital (his brother dragged him there, literaly) and after being told he's probably going to die, he miracoulosly started to recover, and has been recovering every since, he's doing the meetings, seeing a shrink, taking care of himself.
My RAH needed to reach that point before he could acctually decide he wants to recover. He had to nearly die before he could decide it is worth living. Before that for whatever reason his suffering was too great for him to even grasp the idea of life being worht living. He needed help but I couldn't help him.
All of this was really heavy, and your situation is much heavier with the tragic loss of your daugther. I'm always quite reluctant to respond to your posts, as I always feel I can not possibly understand what does it feel like to be in your shoes, and I fear what I have to say might not be helpful.
But the way I see it is you have an option to decide what you want to do, not what is a right, good, smart thing to do for you, but what you want to do. IMO that's the key for moving on and reaching peace. If you feel in your heart you're not ready to let go, than you maybe can organize some kind of intervention or ask his friends or family to organize it for him (that's what I did, I couln't get involved, but asked his mum and brother to do it, as I needed to feel I did that last thing for him). If you're ready to let go and leave him to his HP, than NC is probably the best option.
Also, for me it was really important to educate myself on alcoholism, as once I did that than I didn't see my RAH actions as strange, unreasonable any more, but quite tipical for the stage of alcoholism he was in. For me it was really important to know, to understand what is really going on, what am I really up against, how serious it really is, as to say to know reality instead of guess it, before I could make decisions and let go.

I really hope you don't get this the wrong way, I'm just sharing my story and my honest opinion, so you take what you like and leave the rest.

I wish you well
HUGS

stilllearning

Hi Nightmare,

I'm so sorry for both your losses - and sorry that we're so powerless over so many things.

I've had a kind of profound journey over the last few years - I lost someone I loved to a brutal battle with cancer and had a yearlong relationship with an alcoholic not long after the bereavement. I spent a good deal of the last four years with my heart in my mouth, worrying about people I loved.

The common thread with both experiences was complete and utter powerlessness over disease. I finally found alanon a year ago (long family history with the disease) and my huge, lightbulb moment came in step one. All these years I really felt that my worry, my hypervigilence, my full attention, might make a difference. Let me put it this way - your husband has been in your life for 30 years. Has your focus and worry changed his situation to this point? My worry over the cancer made -me- sick and it did nothing to stop an inevitable, but devastating loss. My worry over my boyfriend made -me- sick but it didn't stop him from relapsing, getting arrested and finally leaving me for someone who accepted his choices.

So what would happen if you gave yourself permission to keep loving your husband - but also to unhook. You can't change the course of his disease but you can unhook. Acceptance is Godawful and incredibly difficult but it's completely liberating. I moved on, from grief and from my relationship, by accepting that there was nothing I could have done, or could do. One small step at a time, one decision at a time I used that acceptance as a starting point and began to live my life again.

I can't say enough good things about al-anon. I was every bit as sick as my alcoholic by the end of that relationship and emotionally exhausted after a brutal few years where everything that could have happened did. Job loss, multiple bereavements (it felt like I went to a funeral a month for a whole year) and then a relationship with an alcoholic just as it seemed the clouds had parted. Finding al-anon allowed me to get to know myself again and gave me hope that there was (finally) something I could change - me. It has been a revelation and a relief.

Hang in there and take care of yourself,

SL

Carol Star

I recently had a little emotional slip and broke the no contact rule.The XAH just tried to manipulate money from me after alot of quacking. It took several conversations with recovery friends and several meetings before I was grounded again. As hard as it is no contact is best for me. He has a brother. He has kids. He just manipulates me. He has a higher power. I'm not it. I won't contribute to his slow suicide. I told him that in an email and probably won't hear from him again. He says the $ would be for fixing his house to sell it. I think it would go to cigs, pot, and beer......It is hard. It is sad. It hurts.