atdawn

Hello all,
Have not been here for a while. I just moved into my new house and sold the old one. Pfew! Love the new house. But ... (ah, there is always a but – isn’t there ...)
Stbxah is now looking for a house too. He first wanted to find a house near his AA meetings (he sobered up after I left, a few months ago now). I thought that was a great idea. But now, he is looking for a house near us. He wants the kids to be walking distance from his house – and he told them so. I have very mixed feelings about the whole idea.
And now – lo and behold – there is a house that just popped up for sale 3 doors from my house.
The kids saw the sign this morning and were all excited. They will surely let him now next time they speak on the phone, and he will surely find out it is up for sale later today.
I would greatly appreciate your input on this (even though I know I cannot prevent him to buy there if he wants to, at least I intend to voice any concerns).
I am worried :
- That the kids will run from one house to the other and I will never know where they are - The houses are very close to a busy street and I don’t want them wandering around.
- That it will be harder to get my parenting style working because he has very different standards and being so close to each other may make it harder for them to truly make a difference between dad’s rules and mum’s rules.
- That having the beer store really close to his house (view of the store from the house) instead of his meetings close to his house is not going to help his recovery – I know this part is not my problem but next point is.
- That he will relapse and will come banging on my door, drunk, at 3am.
- That having him so close means he will keep trying to intrude and I will have to work much harder to keep my boundaries and set a proper visiting schedule (which is currently a sore point as under the pretext that he has no house of his own, he only takes the kids for 1 hour about once a week).
- That having him so close will make it harder for me psychologically to start my new life.
OK, the more I write the more I think this is a really bad idea.
He will most likely call me later today with a list of reasons why this actually IS a GREAT idea.
What do you all think?

suki44883

Well, I can certainly understand how you feel. I hate living in the same country as my ex. However, you can't control what he does or where he lives. If he does end up living so close, you would definitely have to have some strong boundaries in place, which you have already mentioned. But honestly, I wouldn't spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about what might happen in the future. Just take things one day at a time and deal with things as they come up. Having some general thoughts in place in case he does move in there is good, but I wouldn't let it worry me to death.

ChrrisT

That's kind of a mess.

All those things are very possible.

But if that is what he decides to do it, you can't change it.

And maybe if you show too much concern or that it really bothers you, that may give him more reason to want to make it happen.

Have cool - who gives a crap - attitude. And for your own sake - feel it too.

let us know what happens.

LaTeeDa

My ex rents a house two blocks away from me. He has a job where he is out of town 3 weeks and in town 3 weeks. He wanted to be close to the kids when he is in town. I had major misgivings about the whole situation when it happened. I'm still not sure I like it.

Reality is, it's good for the kids. They get to see him a lot when he is here. They don't have to pack up their belongings and "move" every other weekend. They get to spend time with their dad and come home to their own rooms. As much as he irritates me, they love him dearly. I agree that you will need strong boundaries to make it work, but it can work.

L

Learn2Live

atdawn: I think it would be good for you to try to stay in the Present Moment. You have no way of knowing what is going to happen in the future and worrying about it now is not going to help matters. It only needlessly makes life more stressful for you.

I suggest that since he is soon supposed to be your EX, that you refrain from discussing with him HIS business. Whether or not he lives close to a beer hall, a brewery, or a church with A.A. meetings is none of your business. Set a boundary: Stop talking to him about HIS life and his life decisions. Any input or discussion you have with him about HIS life, is just going to open you up to blame and finger-pointing in the future.

Have you given Al-Anon a try?

nodaybut2day

I understand how tricky your dilemma is. When I was moving out from my apartment with XAH, I briefly considered looking for an apartment a few blocks away, so DD could see her dad often, and so DSS could come by often. In the end though, I elected to move across town for safety reasons. In my case, I had a choice.

In your case, it's completely outside of your control. So why stress about it now? If it happens, it's for a reason, and yes, you'll probably have to work on enforcing your boundaries more, but that it and of itself is a good thing. If it doesn't, ...

I agree with Learn2Live...don't even broach the topic with him and refuse to discuss it with him if he does bring it up. It's his business. Besides there are TONS of reason why the purchase of a house might fall through (failed inspection, house requiring lots of expensive repairs, unavaible funds, another sellers bids and gets it...etc etc).

Learn2Live

Good point, nodaybut2day! Makes me think, also, that he may be just trying to HOOK YOU emotionally to get a reaction out of you.

silkspin

Yikes! Nothing has even happened, and yet you have a whole bulleted list of things at the ready because a 'for sale' sign went up. I was just re-reading "Codependent no more" last night, and was reading about reacting, and that we do it out of fear and anxiety. One powerful line is 'when we react we forfeit our God-given power to think, feel, and behave in OUR best interest'. And, more importantly, we have the choice NOT to react and keep our peace and serenity.
Take back your peace, put this out of your head completely and focus on YOUR one day at a time. Whatever happens, know inside yourself that you will be able to deal with it, but it's a total waste of today's precious energy to catastrophize something that may never come to pass.

You mention that even though you know you have no control over whether he buys, you will at least voice your concerns. Why? Do you think a look will come over him when you tell him your list and he'll say, doggone it, you're right. I don't want to live in view of the beer store, or have the kids running back and forth between our homes. I should just look somewhere else, it will be best for all. That is still trying to control the uncontrollable! Especially now, you are separated. Live is right, it's none of your business where he sets up shop, with whom, in view of what etc. Focus on doing well by you and by your kids, and whatever is thrown at you from wherever, you deal with it as it comes, and ACT in your best interests, instead of reacting to the unknown.

hadenoughnow

I feel for you on this, exah lives 3 miles away which makes it easy for him to drive by my house when DS is with him and try to snoop. Don't jump the gun and worry about it yet, it could be just a lot of blah blah blah to see how you react.

atdawn

Hello,
checking in after a long time off line. Well, your replies hit home. I had to process it all and had to let time pass by. He did not buy the house.
He thought it was too close too.
See, I thought I was pretty good at detaching. We have been discussing together his plans to buy because we are trying to find what's best for the kids, and in the end he shared several of the concerns I had.
That being said, your replies made me realize I was maybe not as detached as I thought, so I have tried to detach more and set better boundaries. One of them being that I would not advise him regarding house purchases anymore, and not look out for open house signs anymore, and that where he would end up buying was none of my business.
Thanks for your help.

ItsmeAlice

Glad to hear nothing became of all that worry. That's often the case with these things, right? For all the energy we put into bracing ourselves for impact, we end up strung out and weakened, and if the worst does happen, we too tired from sleepless night to respond in a healthy way.

Silkspin wrote:

catastrophize

I was thinking 'awfulize' but your word for it is even better!

You see where all this got you and now you've learned something from it....That's great recovery work!!! Good for you!!!

Alice

groybin

Today was the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

silkspin

Good for you, it takes a lot of effort to point our finger at our own selves and even hard to see what it's pointing at.
Believe me I thought I was the expert of my Al Anon program - until his relapse; then all the old stuff came right back. I found out I was really good at healthy behaviours when I had nothing in my life to challenge them, so in actuality, the relapse was what I needed to wake up and realize that I was just coasting along.